Before you have a child no-one tells you how hard bf is or how emotional it can make you feel - both the immense bond & connection you feel while feeding your lo & the horrendous guilt you can feel for stopping, even if you know in your head it is the right thing to do. I have been here once before, and I swore that this time around I would give it a try & wouldn't feel guilty if we didn't get on with it.
Yet here I am again & I feel terrible 
.
DD (now 3 weeks 5 days) was evicted 3 weeks early by emcs due to pre-eclampsia. From the word go she was completely uninterested, and even with the breastfeeding support staff helping, we couldn't get her to bf. She would just get too distressed & scream at the breast. I started pumping & she was syringe & cup fed ebm for several days (just to get food into her) but still wouldn't feed from me so I reluctantly agreed the only option was bottles & decided I would . Bought a pump & started expressing at home.
Unfortunately 2 days later we ended up in nicu having phototherapy for jaundice & being tube fed to try & increase her weight (FTT). Whilst there, the staff helped me try & re-establish bf & after lots of tears from us both we finally found she was happy to feed laying down. A couple of days later she accepted feeding with me sitting up, (but only on one side) & we were discharged.
The first few days of feeding at home were ok but then DD caught a really nasty cough & cold, which after another hospital visit turned out to be bronchiolitis. She was very mucousy & couldn't feed well at all & I became sore & engorged. Despite pumping to relieve the engorgement, it got so painful to feed her I couldn't bear it, & due to the lack of feeding I was so worried we'd end up back in nicu if her weight fell any more, I made the tough decision to re-introduce the bottle. Initially I pumped & gave ebm, but found keeping to a 3hourly pumping schedule almost impossible with another child to look after too. So we started giving formula. That was a week ago & she is now having at most 1 bf per day (yesterday & today hasn't had any).
When I read this back my head says I shouldn't feel bad as we've not had the easiest of starts, but I feel so very sad & I can't seem to shake it. She was so gentle when she fed & it felt so different to last time with DS. She got so much comfort out of snuggling up laying down to feed & I miss it terribly . I really, really wanted to be able to do this for her, & I feel like I've let her down. Plus I'm scared that she will also turn out to be cmpi like DS. It was such a battle to get anyone to listen & help last time - he was 8 months old before we were finally given prescription formula - I ended up with pnd & really don't want to end up like that again.
I keep wondering if I have now left it too late to get the bf back on track & whether it would go better now she is over the worst of her cough. Or am I being an irrational, emotional, crazy idiot? I'm not dried up yet, boobs still leaking but I know my supply is massively reduced from what it was. Is it possible to re-establish after stopping for a week? How do I do it - do I just put her to the breast or do I need to get pumping every couple of hours again?