Anyone else desperate but unable to give up bf and want some company?

[JuanFernandezTitTyrant]

Misery loves company.

My DS turns 1 tomorrow. I had no real expectations either way regarding bf but after a rocky start and pretty much constant pain for 10 weeks we were away. He has never taken to a bottle - we've tried every type in the market, em, all the brands of formula, hot, cold, me giving it, DH giving it, you name it. Consequently, I've not had more than about a couple of hours when I haven't been "on call" since he was born.

DH has (through no fault of his own) done no more than 20 nights where he's had to get up. DS doesn't sleep through, even by the 5 hours standards (although I am "lucky" that he doesn't wake often and resettles easily if fed) and has only taken to food seriously in the last 6-8 weeks. I've had to engineer dropping day time feeds so that I'm "only" feeding first thing, bedtime and at night. It's our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday and at thr moment DS is waking at 9:30 quite often wanting a feed. Our plans to go our for a lovely dinner seem pointless if he's going to be a sweaty, screaming mess by the time we get back. I go back to work in 7 days.

I am knackered, resentful, my relationship with DH has suffered because I crave a zone of exclusion round me after bedtime and I feel like my maternity leave and my relationship with my son has been soured. I would think very, very hard about whether to bf if I had another.

That was a bit of a brain dump, but you get the picture. Anyone else feel a bit conned about the wonders of bf?

Hi JuanF, my DS has just turned 1 too. I am almost 10 weeks pg with DC2 and finding BF really hard going. It's sore, I feel terrible and getting up in the middle of the night is taking its toll on me.

You could get away without formula or a bottle now - my DS drinks (water) from a Tommee Tippee sippy cup. He won't really drink cow's milk but we are persevering with that and he's gradually taking a bit more.

I was with GP today and she's said that he doesn't strictly need to drink milk. If he's having yogurt, cheese, etc. that covers his dairy requirements.

We found that having DH settle DS early in the night really worked for us - it took weeks but DS will now sleep 7.30 - 2ish and then until 7. Previously he was looking to BF 3/4 times a night, now it's only once.

I'm totally rambling now but what I'm trying to say is you are not alone! It's hard being the BFer, it's hard not to be able to hand DS over for a complete rest, but it is possible to stop gently and without too much upset.

Good luck!

Thanks eagle. Now I feel bad when you must really be struggling! DS is taking water and cow's milk from a sippy cup, so that's good. We have tried getting DH to settle him, but it results in an absolute melt down for up to 2 hours and then no-one gets any sleep - his wake up after our bedtime is anywhere from 1:30 to 4:30 (assuming it's only once). I have reluctantly decided that, for my own sake, getting up for 15 minutes at a time is preferable to no-one getting any sleep at all, at least for the moment.

Getting up in the night is so hard, no matter what else is going on.

Does he sleep in your room? DS still sleeps with us because of living arrangements so I sleep the first part of the night in another room.

I've no idea how we will drop the middle of the night feed because DS gets hysterical and is likely to cry for hours

We've definitely taken the path of least resistance because it's easier and kinder to feed him for a short time in the night than have him cry.

Ditto. I am aware it's all my own fault

He's not in our room but only behind a stud wall, so there's no getting away from it.

Hi Juan,

I could have written your OP, I am in exactly this situation too. (My DS is 9 months though). I decided in the last week to wean from bf because enough is enough. I want a semblance of a life back - nothing major, maybe an afternoon out or maybe, just maybe, DH could put him to bed or settle him at night. Attempts to settle him without feeding are met by confusion, frustration, tears, anger until we are left with a baby in complete hysterics and very much awake! As you say, I know I've made a rod for my own back but I feel desperate now. What you said about relationship with DH - completely agree. I feel really cagey and like I'm never "off duty" meaning I can never be just his wife or just me....I'm always an udder waiting to be called for.

That said, I can see how good bf is for DS and I feel awful for taking away something that gives him so much comfort and calm. I'm hoping to replace that with a mummy who doesn't feel strung out and resentful...our mental health improving will surely result in our babies being happier in the long run, right?

Please can I join? I am on ds3 - I fed all of them because it was best for them (rather than feeling strongly about it). First 2 were hungry babies so it was full on for 6 months or so but they slept through by 10 months and were weaned by a similar age. Ds3 isa nnightmare! He is a proper velcro baby, can't have formula due to health issues, is fussy with food, still wants bf morning noon and bloody night and I've just had it with the whole thing :-/. He also co sleeps from his first wake up every night (and time between 10 and 2). I feel like I want 'me' back, even if its just for a weekend but family have stopped offering to mind him as he screams constantly if he is tired and I am out. I don't know what I expect anyone to say but I feel better for having a moan!

Hello Singsong and 3boys I thought this had died a death. DS has had a old the last two days and has slept much better, not least because I have been getting up to feed. So in actual fact I have slept better overall as a consequence of no late night meltdowns. I actually feel more positive today (no doubt as a result of more sleep). But I can't see an end in sight. I guess we'll just have to reevaluate in a few weeks again but I don't know that it's going to make much difference.

That's exactly the right phrase, there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Everyone says that it lasts such a short time in the grand scheme of life but when you are living it - it seems relentless. DS also has a cold so I now feel guilty about considering stopping. How could I deny him antibodies....what a terrible heartless mother!!!

And how exactly do they propose I stop? By making him and me miserable for a few weeks while he screams himself to sleep feeling abandoned and confused?

Can I offer a slight bit of hope? This was me just over 6 months ago, although DD was 22 months old. She didn't eat much, she breastfed frequently throughout the day and night and I couldn't see how I was going to stop it.

Then I read about someone who had put aloe Vera juice on their nipples in order to put their daughter off breastfeeding, as it has a bitter taste. A kind of aversion therapy I guess!

Well I decided to give it a go after yet another night of endless feeding, except I used lemon juice.

When DD wanted breastfeeding the next time, I told her my milk had gone bad and I quickly put some lemon juice on my nipples without her seeing and then offered the breast to see if she wanted to try. The effect was almost immediate, she did not like the taste. She did try a couple of times, but after realising it tasted bad, the next time I offered the breast, it was refused. I followed this pattern for the next couple of days, with the bedtime feed being the hardest for her to drop, but I offered bottles instead and by the end of the week she was off the breast and onto bottles. She also started eating more as the days went by.

Now obviously she was older than your babies, which could have an impact on how quickly it worked. I can also understand if you think they are too young to try that with at the moment, but it might help to have something in hand if nothing else works, for when they are a bit older.

I just wanted to give you all a ray of light, as I thought it would never end for me either.

On the downside, we still co-sleep and she has never slept through, but it's still way better than it was

I hope that wasn't aimed at me Juan, you're preaching to the choir

No not at all Singsong we've tried the same approach! believe me! People seem to to think I can "just" make him go without. I'm sure they'd be happy to do bedtime without me if it's so easy.

Exactly. My neighbour told me how she left her son to cry and it was the best thing she ever did. She seemed almost proud as she told me how he screamed so hard that he was repeatedly sick. DS was up between 3-5.20 this morning and it has cemented my decision that next week I am swapping one feed for a cup of milk. I have to start trying to get him off the boob during the day so eventually I can tackle nights.

Sorry for being tetchy!

Well we have had an odd few days bf wise! I haven't fed first thing or last thing for a few days because DS had been choked up with snot. But he's been wanting feeds during the day, more for comfort than anything else I think. I had dropped the daytime feeds and I'm hoping back to work on Tuesday so I hope this doesn't cock things up. Bug he's hardly eating or drinking otherwise so it seemed the only option.

I go through peaks and troughs with breastfeeding. Same with dc1 too. At 12 months I struggled quite a lot but then it got much better. I wobbled at about 2.4 with both of them too which is when both were night weaned.

DC2 is currently 3.2 and I'm having another slump with it. This is around the time I started actively encouraging DC1 to stop.

Can I join. Ds is 1 in a couple of weeks, I really would like to stop bf.

I have gone back to work and am away from him from 7.45- 5. He is fine without breast milk. Has loads of water and food. When I return he wants milk. He needs milk to go to sleep when I'm around but can be settled by everyone else. Dp cannot settle him when I am here, ds looks so distressed and confused that he is not getting bm. Our living arrangements mean that he is in the same room as us all the time which is difficult. He sleeps in his cot until about 2 and then has bm and we end up cosleeping. It interrupts our sleep and is becoming silly the amount of milk he is drinking. It really is a comfort thing. I'm offloading and looking for suggestions of how to cope!!