feeling down after been told 8 wk old ds should have a routine

[amijee]

I've just returned from my family's and am feeling a bit flat following comments from my sister in law. She has 4 kids and breast fed them all for a long time but she was shocked to see I was feeding my 8 week old ds on demand roughly every 2 hrs as well as waking several times in the night to feed. I explained that I do try and make sure that it's food he wants and only feed him if other things have been excluded but he seems to have a small stomach and wants to feed little and often. ( normally on for less than 10 mins)

I'm starting to doubt myself and wondering if I am doing something wrong. I know he is healthy and gaining weight really well and that's what keeps me going but I'm beginning to wonder whether I should be doing anything different or whether I have now made him used to drinking little and often like this. I guess I'm also worried about how long it's gonna carry on like this for.

Amijee, you're doing fine and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your baby is only 8 weeks old and this feeding pattern is completely normal - I'm sure other people will be along soon to reassure you but in the meantime do some searches on here to cheer you up!
BTW he won't feed like this forever but all babies are different and some take longer to stretch the time between feeds than others. My first was very much like your DS but DD2 has fed less often from the start.
Enjoy all this time with him while you can.

Ignore her,silly woman (YOUR SIL NOT YOU!!!) all babies are different.At 8 weeks your baby is still tiny and you are doing right to bf on demand.As you say he is healthy and gaining weight.With my 2 they were feeding every 2 hours at this age and sometimes more if on a growth spurt.Go with your instincts.They settle into a routine when they get older and less demanding for milk.You are doing a grand job to give your little one the best start you possibly can.HTH.

Amijee, you're doing just the right thing. Don't worry. It's very hard to remember back to when you had an 8wo, so even if she does have four, she probably can't remember the early days all that well.

You will fall into a routine - or if feeding on demand is bothering you or making it harder for you, you can try to see if you can guide your baby into one a bit quicker (I did this with DS1 - patting him to sleep for naps while I read books, for instance), but didn't have a chance with DS2 - because I had DS1 to occupy!) - but otherwise go with the flow.

ami, you're doing great, you're doing what your baby needs and thats all you need to do.

The amount he's feeding is normal, actually its less than either of my kids! So don't worry.

FWIW I have found it much easier in the long run to do what they want, especially when they are this little.

You have not made him used to anything. He is telling you what he wants and you are responding to that.

It will end, probably fairly soon. By around 4-5 months he'll be able to go much longer between feeds, and you'll start to find it much easier to persuade him to feed more round timings that suit you.

Enjoy it and ignore your SIL. It maybe worked for her, that doesn't mean she knows everything.

Seems quite normal for me. I did find when I had more children I had to have more of a routine, bath and bed time for all 3+ etc of them at certain times just to make it work but with one baby no need for that. The only reason you might want to move to bigger gaps between feeds etc is if you feel too tired or aren't happy with it. Every self respecting normal baby in England is going to want to breastfeed as often as he or she gets the chance. It's normal. The debate is about how much we try to suit the parent who might be very tired or the baby and how you balance your and his needs. Also I never had any of my 5 at 8 weeks not waking very few hours to feed at night. Their tummies can't get enough milk in to survive the night at that age or mine couldn't (fairly smallish babies)

I kept badgering my midwife about having a routine from when ds (now 2.3) was about 3 days old. She just told me to relax and feed him when he wanted it. After worrying about it for the first few weeks, I stopped bothering and just fed him whenever, and it's true, they do sort themselves out sooner or later. DD (now 0.7) went longer between night feeds from the start, and slept almost through the night for a while when very young, so it does depend on the child too I think.

thanks guys - I know in my heart it's the right thing to do but just had a crisis of confidence and needed some reassurance.

My LO is all round hard work - not just a frequent feeder but also fights when feeds, lots of wind, needing lots of stimulation, poor sleeper etc. The rational side of me knows it's his temperament ( and his parents are just as spirited!) but I get bouts of wondering whether it's my parenting skills. Especially when you here bull like - oh he's like that cos he's your first and you don't really know what you are doing.....not great for your confidence. I guess it's what comes of staying at family's for the weekend.

Youre doing a grand job Ami(didnt really mean to call your sil a silly woman but I remember people telling me all sorts of rubbish with my first and feeling I was failing when my baby didnt do exactly what theirs had done and it grinds you down when sleep deprived,a bit of delayed annoyance there I think!!) The feeding and sleeping gets better eventually.

I agree with almost all the comments...bar xenias...Baby's are not manipulators, they do not htink like us adults....and they certainly know better then us when they need food or comofrt or whatever...breastfeeding is not just about nutrition it's a lot more then that!
To the OP, don't let other people make ou feel insecure about your parenting choices...you are doing brilliant and obviously you are not bothered by your Baby's behaviour..!
The only thing I personally used with my younger tow was, that I had a certain get up time (which was sort of enforeced by es scooltimes, lol) but that does help to set a rythm in the day

Just read your last message...do you feed from one side or both sides?
A lot of the things you discribe can happen if a Baby gets to much foremilk, and that often happens when people feed from both sides each session!

Ami,smile and ignore.
You're doing brilliantly.
With four kids,she is confident,so probably assumes she was like this with the first.
I remember feeling that I understood my second baby much more than my first,probably for this very reason.

I had a friend who made me feel similar to your SIL. She too made me doubt myself, but luckily I couldn't bring myself to force some routine on my baby that I didn't want and deep down, new wouldn't have been right for either of us.

First things first, anything is normal with breastfeeding. At one end of the scale you have babies who seem to easy fall into a 3/4 hoursly feeding pattern and have a big feed at those times. At the other you have babies who want to eat little and often. Grown up people are like that too! Babies, like people are all different.

The other issue is where you stand on giving the breast for comfort. At the start I was wary of this and thought I shouldn't do it, until I actually thought why and the only thing I could think of was so vauge worry about dependancy which is rubbish because the more comfort and reassurance you give IMO, the more confident and indepentant your child can become. You can give comfort through breastfeeding and babies need comfort as much as milk. Nature is a very clever thing and it has designed us to be able to give our babies both of these things! Anyway, I'm loosing my point. The point is, even if some of those feeds are for comfort, is there anything wrong with that?

8 weeks is still very early and it took me personally allot longer than that to really learn what my babie wanted. I worried about the same thing, but kept doing what I was doing and stopped watching the clock. If he hadn't fed for a while, I offered him milk. If he had and I ruled out anything else that I could help I offered him the breast. He only really fell into anything routine like when he was being weaned.

Yes, it is logical to say that you could make your baby go further between feeds and have a nice tidy, predictable 4 hourly feeding pattern in which your baby has a big feed. If you wanted, you could gradually try and and coax him into it. But, do you really want to and if so why? knew that would not have worked for my DS and I believed in giving him my breast for comfort.

I think rouines can be great, but I believe in the ones that develop over time and you develop yourself to fit around you and your baby, not just because they are 'nice and tidy'.

To reassure you, my DS fed just like you described and is a big, healthy boy now and I have no regrets for following his lead.

The 'no-cry sleep solution'by Elaine Pantly is worth a read if you are concerned about night times, but your baby is still so young, his tummy is so small - so don't worry.

I wonder how your SIL's feeding regimne of 4 hourly feeds worked on hot summer days or during growth spurts?

your Lo does have a routine.

she routinly cries when she is hungry/dirty/tired/awake etc etc

your being the best mum you can be and dont allow anyone to make you feel otherwise.

Well put fattiemumma

My first reaction to your SIL's comments is "What a load of b@ll@cks!"

Breastfed baby on a four hourly routine? And she's done it with 4 different babies??

Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. I've had ds2 who was a little and often feeder like your ds. Then I've had a no nonsense get the job done in 5 minutes and be full for 3 hours with dd. And I didn't start off doing anything different with either of them, they just wanted different things. DS2 is still little and often type of eater at 2.5 yrs. It was frustrating at times but once I just accepted that is who he is and that's what he wants life seemed to get a whole lot easier. Enjoy breastfeeding as much as you can because even though there's no denying there are times when it feels like bloody hard work, (2 hrly feeds through the nights!) it is such a short time in the grand scheme of things and if it gives your baby comfort and makes him feel safe in the world what is the problem with that?

A general sort of routine, getting dressed, going for a walk, bathtime, etc have helped me just as much as my babies get used to each other and the feeds have fallen into place somewhere along the line but def not by 8 weeks!

I certainly didn't mean to suggest babies are manipulators. I said all self respecting 8 week year olds will want to feed and touch and suck for comfort as much as they can. That's all. I suspect if they had their way they'd be almost permanently latched on as indeed they are in many other cultures. So almost anything except constant attachment parenting is arguably denying them their needs and seeing to your own. It's that interesting and awful balance which I still feel I have with children from 22 down to 7 - how much do you give of yourself every day and how much do you take time for yourself away from the children.

If a person wants to relieve or remove guilt by suggesting little babies need big breaks between feeds I think they're conning themselves. If you want to say they can live and often be perfectly happy with an element of structure and arrangements to suit the mother because a happier more rested mother and father is better for the child that's fine too but I'm sure the 2 hour feed and comfort suck and body contact if the mother is not at the end of her tether I'm sure is best for the baby.

I was in the same situation as you. DS wanted to feed all the time (more than 2 hourly sometimes) and did not want to sleep. We went to DH Nan and she was sooo negative about bf -it is not enough for him etc etc but DH was great - backing me up. Anyway I realised that DS was using bf as his way of sleeping and feeding and decided that instead of feeding him I was going to do everything I could to get him to sleep. This involves rocking him, using the hoover to calm him, having a vibrating chair and now he feeds every 3 hours, sleeps for 30 minutes between feeds and is generally happy to play for other times. Not saying that this is true for your lo as all babies are different but it means that I can now have time to eat when he is asleep and have a little bit of time to myself. He's a happier baby too. If you are happy with the 2 hrly feeds then stick with it. LO only take as much as they need and the comfort, relaxation and love they get from bf is fantastic

Really encouraging comments - I feel so much better this morning. I am going to totally ingnore other people's comments from now on - even if they are experienced parents. You have confirmed to me that all babies are different and you can't generalise - that's why books aren't always great as they generalise too much.

I am quite happy to continue the way we are going - he is very little and i'm just gonna enjoy it - after all, these days will never come back!

Thanks to everyone for making me feel so much better x

Good for you Ami - hang on in there ! Your lo sounds like my eldest ds, lots of little feeds early on + good weight gain, not so keen on snoozing ! I bf all 4 of mine, for different amounts of time (but 4years of someone hanging off a boob was my overall total, therefore they averaged 1 year each). They all have different patterns, and you will already be seeing that those patterns shift too. In a week or 2 you may look back and notice he's spacing out those feeds a bit, as his tummy grows. Good luck and just enjoy your baby.

don't have time to read the whole thread as i'm trying to do 1000 things before dd wakes.

do not listen. you're doing fine. mu mun did that to me when dd was 3 weeks old.

Ami glad its going better ! Just to agree with everyone else really. My DC were also very challenging babies and didn't get into routines until about 6 -7 mths. You are doing great. Just believe in you knowing what is best for your child!

Hi amijee

So happy to read your post, particulary the part abouut you not changing a thing and carrying on as you are!!! It's very true, those early days are so precious and gone so fast. They should be relished and enjoyed as much as possible and I think with your fantastic attitude, you will be able to lok back and be glad that you did what you did.