Feeling like a failure

[MrsGiraffe12]

My beautiful Dd is almost 2 weeks old now.

She was EBF until about a week old. She would be continuously on the boob for anything between 2 and 4 hours continuously at one feed, then 2 hours later be back there again. She also was mashing my nipples to death, blood, blisters and little "flappy" scabs. The lactation consultant said her latch was perfect and she was gaining weight, though not much at all. I'd be in tears and panicky at the thought of feeding her, then crying when she was feeding. So one night after falling asleep feeding her and dropping her on the bed Id had enough and the midwives gave her a bottle and had her a few hours so I could sleep.

Felt reasonably happy with this descision, but after 2 days I felt guilt so tried to put her back to the breast. Immediately the hours and hours of feeding started again, and so did the mood swings on my part, ie lots of tears and dreading her waking because my nipples hurt and I knew shed do it for hours.

Now she's a bottle fed baby and I'm feeling guilty again. I know I can't keep swapping around as it's not fair on her. But the crying needs to stop on my part and I need to come to terms with my choice but how can I? She's more contented on the bottles and sleeps well and is already above her birth weight.

Sorry for the ramble, I guess
I'm just letting it out as DH is sick of my crying and talking about it x

MrsG, so sad to read your story :(

It will help to speak to someone who will not judge, who won't try t 'get' you to do something different, and who understands that for you, how important this all is.
Your baby won't mind switching back to (maybe some) breast - plenty of babies do both and this is not at all 'unfair' on your baby.
Maybe some breast is what would help you come to terms with what's happened?
If full bf is not sustainable for you, but bf is what you want to do, then a bit of bf might do the trick??
Call one of the bf helplines and discuss your options - it's normal to feel upset and disappointed, but it sounds to me that your feelings are deep and strong, and you need support with this.

It's normal for her to feed that much in the early stages (it's also normal not to...). But it's not normal for your breasts to be so mashed. There is obviously something wrong. Has she been checked for tongue-tie? This can often go undiagnosed, even when checked for by several people...

But if there is no tongue-tie the latch CANNOT be right. It is normal for it to be toe-curlingly painful at the start of each feed ( this also happens with the second child, even though you assumed your nips would have toughened up by then...), but it settles down quickly within each feed and if it doesn't you need to find out why, because you are right to feel what you are going through is not sustainable. It isn't.

So bottle feed if you like. Or mix feed. Or get ALL the help you can to sort out breastfeeding. But please know that breastfeeding is BLOODY DIFFICULT and often such a hard-won skill. And even if you've read all the books, your baby hasn't. You have already given your DD the best start in life, so don't feel bad if you have stop breastfeeding her now. Good luck.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. I agree if your nipples are shredded the latch isn't right. The constant feeding can be normal but if the latch isn't ok, it can take longer to get the milk.

I would speak to someone at the breastfeeding helpline, they are lovely - 0300 100 0212