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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Feeling low

24 replies

Jessie5 · 21/09/2006 12:14

Feeling like the worst mother in the world. My 9 month old loves breastfeeding. But it seems to cause problems with everybody else. He won't settle at the childminder's, or drink ebm/formula and cries a lot. He won't sleep for more than 2/3 hours at night, so I co-sleep, which doesn't bother me but concerns my dh as he thinks he'll be in our bed for ever. My mother phoned me last night to put the collective boot in to tell me that he won't settle for the childminder because I co-sleep, breastfeed and generally make him dependent on me, which isn't fair on my baby or dh. And the childminder has texted me to tell me that she doesn't feel she can give my ds what he wants and we need to talk, which means she thinks I should stop breastfeeding too.
I am so confused. My baby misses me, so how can I punish him further by stopping bfding? Yet that is definitely what he wants while at the childminder's. I can't even discuss it without crying. The general consensus seems to be that I'm not being fair on my son, I think I am being the best Mum I know how to be, but I'm beginning to cave from all the pressure.

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 21/09/2006 12:23

bumping for you as there are some people who will def have some good advice for you..

squidgeymiller · 21/09/2006 12:34

Hi Jessie, don't really have any advice but as haven't been in this position so thoughts are with you - very tricky situation. Maybe you could start giving him ebm in a bottle yourself, and keep having the cuddle time so that it weans him gently? Tommee tippee have a bottle that has a REALLY big teet, that's shaped like a booby, so it emulates bf better - I assume you've tried it but maybe worth a go if you haven't?

belgo · 21/09/2006 12:46

I just don't think the situation will automatically improve if you stop bf. Some children are more clingy then others, whether you them bf or not. (I bf both my dds, one's clingy, the other has always been very independant). Please don't stop bf if you're baby is enjoying it. I don't know how you can get your baby to sleep longer, but reassure your dh that it won't be forever. You are being a very good mum, you are trying to give your baby what he needs. What you need is someone to support you in your decisions, rather then putting pressure on you. Unfortunately people are very quick to criticise and very slow to give praise.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 21/09/2006 13:43

Aren't they though! Need to stop crying before I go to childminder's. Well, I either stop bfding or change childminders, but both will upset him and neither may solve the problem. Just don't know what to do. Have phoned dh, he is (surprisingly) adamant that I don't stop bfding because of pressure from Mum or childminder, so feel a little bit better.

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belgo · 21/09/2006 13:50

Glad your dh is supportive. My dd is one and just started at creche, and she's found it hard to settle in. I haven't told them that I still bf her, because I believe it is her personality that makes her clingy. Sure enough, the creche have worked really hard and now she is settling in. It is sad that people don't support long term bf, and sadly, I have learnt to lie to creche and family because I really don't want to hear their opinions. I hope things get better for you soon, if you follow your instincts, I am sure you will do what's best.

kayzed · 21/09/2006 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 21/09/2006 17:57

Thanks. Yes, he does take a cup for me, and sips of water for the childminder. Who has just binned us! She says she feels she cannot make him happy and that she can't do anything when he cries. Cannot believe he has been excluded at nine months! Worried now about a new childminder making him even more upset.

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tiktok · 21/09/2006 18:06

Jessie, is it possible for you to suspend going back to work for a little while - maybe just a few weeks? This age (9 months-ish) is absolutely classic for separation anxieties, and responding to a baby by staying with him builds confidence for the future...will be easier to leave him later.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 21/09/2006 18:20

No chance at all - I am a teacher, and I went back when he was 5 months. I think you are right about the separation thing, don't think our lovely long summer holidays helped with that much!

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tiktok · 21/09/2006 18:52

Jessie, I have no idea how teacher's employment contracts work, but is there absolutely no way you can arrange for a few weeks off until half term? Or can your dh take over for that short time?

moondog · 21/09/2006 19:03

Poor you Jess.
God,it enrages me how people love to blame breastfeeding for everything.

I would be sorely tempted to reply with a frosty
'I am his mother,and I know best.'

The childminder needs reminding of this too.

You know,he could go all day without EBM or formula.Mine did at this age.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 21/09/2006 19:26

No, only allowed time off in school holidays. Dh is a teacher, well, lecturer too, so no chance of that. He does go all day without formula or EBM, but cries quite a bit. Childminder (or ex-childminder!) says he gets louder and louder and nothing she does comforts him. She thinks she makes him unhappy. He's not a very smiley baby full stop though, never has been. He loves mummy milk though!

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Original poster

Jessie5 · 21/09/2006 20:10

Ffs, I don't know why I bother speaking to my mother. She informs me my ds is clingy because I breastfeed and co-sleep and that if I didn't breasfeed him he would eat what he was given. I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but they know which buttons to press, don't they? Oh, and I should do cio, she did it with me and it 'only' took a fortnight. Oh my god! I can't believe she listened to me cry every night for two weeks, even in 1971. I've told her there's no way I'm doing it for 5 minutes even. Just feel like they can all f~ck off now.

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moondog · 21/09/2006 22:29

I think some babies are natural miseries.
My dd was.It was such a shock to have sunny little ds.
Do you like and trust the childminder?That is what matters.
Also,good for her for being honest.Many wouldn't be. How long has he been with her.
So sorry,it sounds shit.

Tatties · 21/09/2006 22:47

Oh Jessie My ds is 17mths, sounds exactly the same as yours. To the point that I don't really leave him for longer than a few hours at a time because he needs a bf. I have often asked myself if I have caused this situation through bf, co-sleeping, etc.. But I really believe I haven't. All the way through I have just responded to his needs, and I'm sure that's all you have done. Your son is very lucky to still be bf, you are doing a wonderful thing for him. I think it's very unfair of people to suggest that you bf him is somehow causing his distress while at the cm. Stopping bf wouldn't solve that problem, imo, and as you say would probably only upset him further.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 22/09/2006 08:14

Thanks. I did like the childminder, but if she wants us to leave I guess we have to! Wondering what should be the right questions to ask a potential new childminder, and worried about how another new person will affect ds. He had been with the old one four months with a six week summer holiday gap in between. She feels she can't give him what he needs.
Thanks for answering, I am still feeling like shit but the kind words help.

OP posts:

mears · 22/09/2006 08:37

Have you considered employing a nany who comes to your home? That is what my sister did.

mears · 22/09/2006 08:38

What about unpaid leave? I believe you can take outstanding maternity leave if you didn't use it all at once. School would then have money to pay a stand-in.

tiktok · 22/09/2006 09:03

mears, that's a good idea about the nanny who comes to your home - if Jessie lives near enough, the nanny could even bring the baby at lunch time and at home time for a breastfeed. The baby's usual surroundings would be the same, too.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 22/09/2006 09:16

It's a fab idea! How do I go about finding one, anybody know?
Have stretched the goodwill of the school far enough I think. I am often called out by the childminder when ds is crying/she is ill. I messed them about a bit by taking longer maternity leave than I'd originally decided. We are a small school and I have quite a responsible position so lots of people are affected if I am not there.

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tiktok · 22/09/2006 09:36

Jessie, I had a come-to-the-house nanny and I found her round the corner from me! She was another mum, whose children were at school but she did not want to work full time away from home. I put a note in the newsagent's window but you might find you know the very person already or can ask around your neighbours. She looked after my kids when I had one at school, one at playgroup and a breastfed baby (I was working part time and odd hours). School and playgroup were all within fairly easy walking distance. The fact she was another mother gave me confidence, and her sons were bigger (at secondary school) so didn't need collecting from school. As we all got to know each other better, she would sometimes have my children at her house. Later on, the youngest went to a childminder.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 22/09/2006 10:35

Good idea, thanks. But am I right in thinking this would be more expensive than a childminder?

OP posts:

tiktok · 22/09/2006 10:42

Why would it be? You are using your house and your foods and drinks....I think in my case I paid about the same.

Original poster

Jessie5 · 22/09/2006 12:01

Okay, will def look into it. Thanks, Tiktok.

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