:( I hate breastfeeding - help!

[mummyrunnerbean]

DS is five weeks old- have been breastfeeding on demand except for one formula top-up because of low blood sugar. Basically - I hate it. He eats constantly, and even now it's hurting less I'm just fed up with being pinned under a baby. I feel horrible for feeling like this but would just love someone else to be able to take him for a few hours, as opposed to what happens now, which is DP can 'tide him over' for ten minutes while I frantically have a shower/ eat a meal before he gets hysterical again. He's gaining weight fine - seems to have a tiny bit of reflux but otherwise no problems. Everyone keeps telling me it'll get better but so far it isn't. He's just started smiling, which again everyone assured me would 'make it all worthwhile'. It's undeniably cute, but definitely doesn't make me wish any less that I could just have a couple of hours to myself. I feel like my self has been stolen, and feel really horrible and defective for feeling like that. Any words of wisdom?

Surf she was just giving her point of view. Which is helpful.

mummyrunner congratulations on your baby. Is he your first?

The best advice I was given about the whole baby thing was my doula saying to me 'Give it 6-8 weeks'. And even then, it actually took 12 weeks before I felt like things were vaguely OK, and manageable, and I hadn't just made the worst mistake of my life. You are 5 weeks in to the hardest, hardest part; you're right in the thick of things right now. So I am so sorry to wind you up by repeating it but it will get better and you are nearly at the point when that will happen.

The other best advice was - the first 3 months are for free. Do whatever you need to to survive.

I echo everyone who says try a bottle now, whether expressed or formula. You need to do whatever you need to to get through this bit, and it sounds like you do know what you need. This is great timing for trying a bottle, isn't it? They say wait 5/6 weeks so there is no nipple confusion, and if you start now then you won't battle later.

The other thing is - can you bring yourself to try just giving in? My worry is that even with the bottle-feeding giving you a much-needed break, your baby is probably still going to cry a lot, and need you pinned to him a lot, and there's not much anyone can do about that, except put him in a sling and go out, or lie on a sofa watching every single episode of Frasier, according to your personality type. Sorry, that's not a helpful thought, but it may be the reality for the next couple of weeks.

Hang in there. It's not for long. Good luck OP.

MrsW you're kind of making my point. Getting lots of POVs is helpful. Saying that other people's POVs are not needed is not so helpful.

Surfsup1 Totally agree that it's just my experience, and pov, though abneysporridge seems to agree with me.

It's just that no-one else was putting a similar pov - eveyone else who has posted is encouraging OP to plough on, telling her that it will get better. You are adding to that stress she's feeling, and trust me, it won't be helping her.

I'm just telling her that there Is another way, her baby won't hate her if she give up breast feeding, and formula is fine. In fact, formula was a much better option for me and my DD. It meant I could love my baby instead of hating her (which I was starting to do).

I just don't get this "you need to get throug this first bit" attitude.

No, you don't.

Lot's of "justs" in those two posts

Middle, I totally understand where you're coming from, but at around 5 weeks when I was feel horrible BFing DS1 I found the encouragement on MN to be really helpful and not pressuring at all.

Lots of people have said that, even though it's likely to get better, if she doesn't want to BF then she should just stop and not beat herself up about it. In fact I don't think any of the posts I read suggested that she "should" just soldier on toward bf martyrdom?

I'm with middle.

I hated BF. I hated the sensation, the neediness, the being trapped. I tried a couple of time for the first few days, then decided no more. I expressed for a few weeks but in the main DD was FF from the outset.

The moment I decided not to continue the relief was immense. DH also massively encouraging as he wanted to help with feeds and saw the state I was in about BF.

It's meant from day one we could take turns during the night, I could have weekends away, nights out, feel like myself again, AND have a lovely, healthy happy baby. DH can do bedtime with no issues. She settles brilliantly for him, not just me.

She's 1 in two weeks and the picture of health. Never even had a sniffle.

And more important, we are all happy.

If you really hate it, stop.

You don't HAVE to continue. You don't have to carry on and hope that it MIGHT get better. If you stop it will get better instantly!

Whatever you decide to do about feeding, I found that the best option when I got really fed up was putting the baby in the pram and going out for a walk, even if he was crying and I really didn't feel like it because I was so exhausted. I always felt better after a bit of fresh air and sometimes he would go to sleep in the pram (I recommend cobblestones), but even if not half an hour break from feeding/nappies etc did me a lot of good, and half an hour without food will not hurt a 5 week old.
Also, I found that mine would appear to be hungry when actually he was tired, and he did better if I put him in the sling/pram to get him to sleep and then feed him properly when I woke up. We did have some issues with weight gain and inefficient feeding so that might not be the case for you but just thought I'd mention it as I kept thinking I needed to feed him when actually he was just really tired and needed to sleep.

*I just don't get this "you need to get throug this first bit" attitude.

No, you don't.*

Unless you want to keep going and then it's good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

FWIW having done both I'm still undecided about how I'll proceed with the bun I'm currently baking.

I totally agree with whoever said about wanting permission to stop. My husband sat on the fence for months watching me be miserable, and I wish he'd just said "it's ok to stop", rather than saying it was my decision. I was too wrecked to make a bloody decision! The minute he said "Enough is enough" I gave my daughter her last feed.

Obviously I didn't need his permission, but it's his baby too and I wanted an opinion from him!

I think that's especially true when you're exhausted and feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all Becca. It's such a relief to have a little of that weight lifted from your shoulders.

Well said Kelly and becca. There is so much pressure on new mums about having to be the perfect mother, just as there is on women about just about everything else in life.

I was in no state to make a decision. I was tired, in pain, feeling guilty, worried, possibly verging towards PND.

surf how do you know OP isn't looking for someone to give her a good enough reason to give up?

I don't - that's why I didn't say anyone else's POV was unneeded.

Like I said to Becca, it's a real relief to have some of the weight of that decision taken off your shoulders. I was SO relieved when the Drs told me I had to stop.

Like a previous poster, avid long term bf here.

Yup. It's fucking shit sometimes. The laborious night feeds and all the clinging to you they do. Frequently I wanted to jump out of a window. It sucked, a lot. And before anyone says the word 'matyr' (other thread anyone?) I kept at it because I actually wanted to and knew that it would get better.

And it does. But your baby is only 5 weeks old so the harsh reality is that it's not going to get better for several weeks or even months; when feeds start spacing out etc etc. I didn't have a day/night to myself until DC was 9 months old. At the time it seemed like hell but you know what, it was JUST 9 months and you won't believe me when I say there's a small part of me that wishes I could go back to those long lazy days where all I did is feed. Now I'm always running around after toddler and NOW THAT is hard work ;)

HOWEVER, whilst I am a bf supporter and advocate blah blah blah I am also a supporter of women's choices and to put it simply ; Tis your body and they are your boobs, if you don't want to breastfeed and it's making you miserable then just DONT. you are likely aware of the benefits given that youve chosen to begin bf and have stuck at it for five weeks so there's little use me harping on about the benefits of this and that. If YOU don't want to breastfeed, just don't.

I sympathise - those early weeks are awful. In a way is was lucky as due to having had a section I spent many many weeks curled up on the sofa doing nothing except feeding - because I couldn't really have a social life or pop out for a while (due to the section) I didn't miss having time to be just myself so I didn't really notice the ties of BF. I remember weeks 6-8 being the hardest and I was in tears nearly everyday, it was just awful.

BF was very important to me though do I persevered and by the time he hit 3 months things were much, much better. DS is now over 5 months and still EBF. I still have my down days about bring tied to the baby and feeling the pressure of being his sole provider but in general I love breast feeding him now.

As had been said there is absolutely nothing wrong in formula feeding it mixed feeding - just take care of yourself and take reassurance in that we have all been there.

Thanks everyone so much- all points of view have been really helpful! Apologies for the slightly hysterical tone of original post - at that point had been up and feeding for 23 hours - but since then sleep has happened so sverything slightly better! It is important to me to keep breastfeeding (we have family allergy problems and it seems to give Ds the best chance of avoiding at least some of them) but I hear what people are saying about avoiding martyrdom. Think I'm going to try expressing a bit for tw next week or two so DP can give me the odd proper break, then reevaluate formula if it's still awful. Will definitely check out the silent reflux thing too.

Is he literally feeding constantly with no longer breaks at all, even a couple of hours? That doesn't sound right. If you are sore as well then maybe his latch isn't great, and he isn't transferring milk effectively? Has he been checked for tongue tie?

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I've been on the verge of posting exactly the same thread all week - so you have my sympathies OP.

We're at 7 weeks now and feeding every 2 hours or less (with sometimes 3-4 hours at night) - and because there's nothing wrong as far as I can tell, DS is gaining weight, no pain apart from initial let down (or when he scratches me!), I've been feeling really guilty about the idea of giving him formula every so often just so I can get a break... The relentlessness and being the only one able to feed him is really getting to me! Have tried expressing but it just seems so mych effort on top of all the feeding - by the time I finish expressing, he needs to feed again! I still haven't made up my mind to try mixed feeding but I think I might have to just for sanity's sake as I can't really envisage doing this for another 5 months, plus I need to go back to work by that time.

I want to bf as long as possible due to allergies too.

When DS was endlessly feeding so as to make himself sick I popped a dummy in and held him toy chest for a while before putting in bed. Worked a treat for me.

It's funny I've just been having this same conversation with my sister, who's dd is 5 weeks today, which made me think of checking on this thread! My sis is starting to get the feeling the OP had, with the relentlessness of feeding and the staying in all day starting to do her head in. Glad to hear you've had some sleep at last OP, and that you will press on with bf if you can - you're right it is a good idea if your child is at risk of developing allergies, and plus you'll save a fortune if you don't have to buy formula! But it is great that formula is there - it exists and is a great back-up if all else fails, and I for one would have been lost without it when my boobs couldn't hack it anymore.
My sister had a terrible experience yesterday when she went out for the first time without her dp and met some friends - she forgot muslins and a change of clothes and then found she desperately needed both those things, then was getting on the bus with the pushchair but the driver didn't see her and starting closing the door when she only had half the pushchair on board - she said she screamed "don't squash my fucking baby!" at him, then felt really bad. Annoyingly no other passengers even batted an eyelid, let alone leap up to help her out - urgh London
But yeah, it brings back memories of those early days - God it's hard! All I can say is eventually you do just get used to this perpetual 'hard work' way of life, it changes you and toughens you up and tests your deepest levels of endurance, but you do rise the challenge automatically and before you know it you've passed that test and are on to the next one!x