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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Does anyone else wish they weren't BF?

62 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 26/08/2014 09:25

DS is just over 5 months and EBF.

I'm absolutely shattered from night after night after night of broken sleep with last night being the shittest one I have ever had.

I know giving formula wouldn't mean he'd slept better but at least it would mean I could send him away for the night so I could get some sleep. I can't remember the lady time I got more than a 3 hour stretch of sleep.

I look back on when he was born and ask myself why did I have to be so bloody martyr-ish, so stubborn, so determined to be the 'perfect mother' and EBF and never give a bottle??! God I wish I'd done things differently.

Instead I'm darling with a baby who will only be soothed by me, will usually only stop screaming if I put him to the breast and refuses to take bottles.

I'm in a really crap place and things are getting worse, not better.

Does anyone else feel like this? I can't tell if I'm just having a bad day because of exhausted I am or whether I really have reached the end of my tether with it all.

OP posts:
Brackla · 26/08/2014 16:02

Writer, hang in there. It sucks having a baby who doesn't sleep, so much of your posting rings true for me. I have in the past felt like I'd done something wrong with my ebf 14mo as it seemed like my whole antenatal class had babies on mixed or ff and that was the magic bullet to them sleeping through the night whilst my guy has only once slept for a record 4 hours, but more usually wakes every 40 mins on a bad night, every 2-3 hours on a good one.
We tried a bottle at bedtime to zero effect and if I'm honest, solids made little difference either. What had changed is my attitude. I've given up comparing him to other babies and beating myself up about feeding him to sleep at bedtime and for most naps (if we are out he'll sleep for 40 mins in the buggy or carrier), and for bedsharing. I don't believe any of these things have made him this way, he's just a boob monster who is taking his time reaching the developmental milestone that is sleeping through. I've made my peace with the fact I could have another year of this (I want him to self wean too) and instead have developed coping strategies. They mostly work but I still have bad days.

  • Can your partner get up with the baby in the morning and give you a bit of a lie in? With ear plugs in if necessary?
  • can you nap or rest when the baby does? I found it hard to do this until mine was about 6mo but it revolutionised my sleep deprivation levels. We now don't make plans in the morning and I'm never up and dressed till lunchtime. We bed share and he naps for about 2 hours 9-11ish, sometimes latched on, someone not. sometimes I sleep the whole nap, other times I just rest, read, relax.
  • I tried the Pantley Pull Off for about 8 weeks until it had an effect. It wasn't 100% successful but I'd say DS now falls asleep off the boob about 60% of the time which is a huge improvement. He feeds and then sleepily rolls away. It's the best sight ever.
  • I read a lot of gentle parenting sites (often while DS napped latched on) like Sarah Ockwell Smith' GP site and Evolutionary Parenting to remind me how normal my baby is for (not) sleeping this way. Sometimes I still need these reminders, especially after a hard night.
  • I learned not to care how untidy the house is. My sleep is more important.

Do whatever you need to do to keep sane but if you can get some help, take it. And don't be hard on yourself, it's bloody hard work bringing up a baby.

josephine1986 · 26/08/2014 16:56

Don't beat yourself up. Some bf babies take bottles early on then start refusing them. They are unpredictable little beasties!
Sippy/doidy cup could work - if you left him with grandparents he might just take a bottle from them.
You are lucky to have that support there.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/08/2014 17:57

If you are ambivalent about formula then can I suggest giving him some formula before bathtime, change and bath, then BF and put him to bed. No calpol. Add that tomorrow if he is still v unsettled. If you are lucky he will sleep until 11 and you can give him a dream feed. Have a ready meal around 5.30 and go to bed when he does even if that's at 7pm. Leave DH to watch Dave uninterrupted. Alternatively get DH to do the dreamfeed with a bottle and put him back in his cot. The milk needs to be quite warm though and get DH to wear a muslin that you have worn during the day.

If you are shattered your supply will be affected so it becomes a vicious circle.

Gina Ford is useful imo in that it is a guide, but only that. I found it a useful structure to aim towards otherwise I was only getting dressed around lunchtime and we hadn't made it out of the house to a babygroup or a wander around the park, just a pleasant doze on the sofa over the mid morning feed and a packet of biscuits as a "snack"

I had NCT friends who religiously targetted the schedule. Would only "allow" a 30 mins nap first thing, then "wake up baby", would push feeds [unless the child was distraught] as close to the scheduled time as possible. It all seemed v harsh, and I was getting so little sleep with DD1 that there was no way I was waking her up. Their kids all ended up sleeping on schedule, and through the night with a dream feed. As a consequence they were up, dressed and smart looking and got their sh*t together far faster than I did. I spent my six month mat leave in a fog. My Dd2 was a v easy child and naturally went into a near Gina routine from about 6 weeks. I claim no credit for that other than I was more conscious of when she would need a nap and far more likely to let her cry a little longer recognising the difference between a tired and a hungry cry.

Two kids later - lots of stimulation in the morning is a winner in getting them into a nice longish nap around mid day and I would also agree with ArtandCo that if you can get as much food as possible into them during the day it helps towards that magic few hours of shut eye for yourself in the evening.

Taystee · 26/08/2014 19:55

FWIW my EBF Ds was an absolute nightmare from around 4 months to 9 months. OK not all the time but it sure felt like it! At around 9 months he really started to get food and fell into a great nap routine where previously it felt like the biggest battle in the world. I've also just stopped feeding to sleep at 12 months. Thought it would be a huge battle but he's taken to it without a problem. Things will get better!
I tried various readymade formulas too but no success btw

ShowMeTheWonder · 26/08/2014 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SinkyMalinks · 27/08/2014 09:30

Hi Writer - we've met on the night feeders thread. I remember all your problems with family not supporting you bfing - I'm guessing that's where the feeling of martyrdom comes from?

I didn't have the horrible colicky start you did, but my boy has never slept (at least I dodged the bullet of 4 month sleep regression, eh? Can't regress from already crap!)

We're still exclusively breastfeeding, but I am trying a bottle of formula (the ready made stuff for all the reasons up thread, and also I think it works out cheaper as I use so little, I would have to bin powder). Boy is refusing bottles/cups etc (happily chews on teats, but doesn't feed), so no "help" just yet, but I feel like I'm doing something and with the pre made formula it's just a case of sterilising one bottle a day.

I really struggled with first giving formula (pfb-itis I think). My in law family have been nipping me from the birth to give a bottle/formula/rice. Part (a small part, but a part non the less) of my formula refusal was pigheaded stubbornness. I had to get to this point myself without family telling me what to do.

We're co-sleeping/bed sharing. It's been a saviour. I'm also starting to introduce solids as I think he's ready. I'm hopeful a by product of this might be better nights...

This is really long, but all I'm trying to say is I think I feel just like you. I wish Boy would take a bottle. I wish I'd tried harder to get him to take one. I wish he didn't have to fall asleep on the boob. I wish I had a good sleeper!

Chunderella · 27/08/2014 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaggyAndLucy · 28/08/2014 00:44

Someone shared this with me Writer. I hope it will help clarify things for you. :-)
*"You shouldn’t sleep train at all, before a year, before 6 months, or before 4 months, but if you wait too late, your baby will never be able to sleep without you. College-aged children never need to be nursed, rocked, helped to sleep, so don’t worry about any bad habits. Nursing, rocking, singing, swaddling, etc to sleep are all bad habits and should be stopped immediately.

Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, car seat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the car seat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, car seat, stroller, or wear them. Use the crib only for sleep and keep it free of distractions. If the baby is having trouble adjusting to the crib, have them play in it first. If the baby wakes up at night and wants to play, put fun toys in the crib to distract them.

Put the baby in a nursery, bed in your room, in your bed. Co-sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your baby, so never, ever do it. If your baby doesn't die, you will need to bed-share until college.

Keep the room warm, but not too warm. Swaddle the baby tightly, but not too tightly. Put them on their backs to sleep, but don't let them be on their backs too long or they will be developmentally delayed. Give them a pacifier to reduce SIDS. Be careful about pacifiers because they can cause nursing problems and stop your baby from sleeping soundly. If your baby sleeps too soundly, they’ll die of SIDS.

Don’t let your baby sleep too long, except when they’ve been napping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby. Any baby problem can be solved by putting them to bed earlier, even if they are waking up too early. If your baby wakes up too early, put them to bed later or cut out a nap. Don’t let them nap after 5 p.m. Sleep begets sleep, so try to get your child to sleep as much as possible. Put the baby to bed awake but drowsy. Don't wake the baby if it fell asleep while nursing.

You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don’t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.

Using the "Cry It Out" method (CIO) will make them think they’ve been abandoned and will be eaten by a lion shortly. It also causes brain damage. Not getting enough sleep will cause behavior and mental problems, so be sure to put them to sleep by any means necessary, especially CIO, which is the most effective form. CIO is cruel beyond belief and the only thing that truly works because parents are a distraction.

Formula and solid foods will help the baby sleep longer. Solid foods shouldn’t be given at night because they might wake the baby. Don't stop the baby from nursing when asleep. Be wary of night feeds. If you respond too quickly with food or comfort, your baby is manipulating you. Babies can’t manipulate. Babies older than six months can manipulate.

Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans. Don’t worry. Stress causes your baby stress and a stressed baby won't sleep."*

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/08/2014 13:13

That's brilliant SaggyandLucy and sadly so true !

Mimsylou · 28/08/2014 14:20

You've had some great advice by the sounds of it & you're doing a fab job, it's hard when you have rough nights. I just wanted to say to you that I know exactly how you feel though. With my first DS I EBF, he had bm for 9 months then weaned himself off the breast and wouldn't touch anything other than a bit of cows milk here & there. I HATED every single feed, there was nothing about it that I enjoyed and in comparison to you I think I had it easy because by 8 weeks he at least slept through, but I put the same pressure on myself as it sounds like you have done, you feel that you must EBF, if you don't you feel a failure, if you mix feed you feel a failure, if you wean before 6 months you feel a failure etc etc etc. I just want to tell you that you're a great mummy & nothing like a failure, the only person putting that pressure on me, was me, and I guess it's probably the same for you. With my DS2 (now 11 months) I didn't even entertain the thought of even attempting to BF, I exclusively FF from day 1 without any hint of guilt and I love it. I'm proud of the decision I made this time, as I have enjoyed every single feed I have given my son & more importantly I've enjoyed my son this time round, so much so I'm halfway to expecting number 3. Perhaps that wrong for some, but for me it was right - you should now do what is right for you, if you want to bf and want to make it work then persevere & know that eventually this will pass & it will get easier, if you want to give up bf then do it, persevere with a bottle & formula and it will come & if that means you start to enjoy your baby then that's what is important, not how you feed, because truthfully, it doesn't actually make any difference in the grand scheme of things. Hugs to you x

Madcat22 · 28/08/2014 15:19

I've had exactly the same problem with DD (8 months). I wish so much I'd introduced a bottle early on and I've been in some very very dark places over the past four months (still am sometimes) as the realisation hit that it's me and only me, that I'm trapped totally by BF. However it has got easier as she weaned onto solids and BF reduced. She slept better too. I also cracked and did CC at 7 months. It went so much better than I ever thought and pretty much saved my sanity. A horrible place to be in OP. You aren't alone though xx

Writerwannabe83 · 28/08/2014 15:48

Thank you everyone for all your really lovely posts. DS was started on ranitidine yesterday as GP thinks he may be suffering from reflux and that's what might be causing him to be such hard work overnight. He had his first dose last night and went on to have a 6 hour stretch of sleep, a feed and then another 3 hour stretch of sleep!! It was amazing - it was the best he's been in I don't know how long!!

Me and DH went put got our lunch yesterday whilst my sister minded DDmS for 1.5 hours so that was nice too!

I'm meeting another friend tomorrow and I have decided to leave DS with DH. I will feed DS just before I leave and then head out for an afternoon of me just being me, instead of he being a mom. There are 5oz of EBM in the fridge in case DH needs it and I'm just going to enjoy myself Smile

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