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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Stopping breastfeeding before 6 months - guilt and shaming

45 replies

blueberrypudding · 04/08/2014 21:52

DH and I made the painful decision to stop breastfeeding my four month old a couple of days ago after almost two months of struggling.

My DD was 11 weeks old when she first went on nursing strike. Since then I've got her TT divided, breastfeeding support, nursed in a dark room while sleepy, stimulated letdown before feeding etc. Nothing's really worked to get her back on the breast full time - she's screamed at every breastfeed and I've ended up having to make up a bottle and try to swap it for breast midfeed. I've got clinical depression and it's only got worse since - I feel so rejected each time she screams on the breast. I can't find time to exclusively express as she's quite a high needs baby and DH works full time.

In my head I know this is the right decision for both of us (she's no longer distressed at every feed and seems to be much happier overall) but it's so hard to reconcile this with what is said to be the best for baby. Everywhere I look there's things telling me EBF till six months. I feel like such a failure and I can't help but feel that other mums will be judging me.

Is it just me or is everything out there designed to subtly shame mums who FF? The Aptamil advert made me cry today.

OP posts:
tiktok · 06/08/2014 12:29

Some great posts on here - no one is judging you (or no one whose opinion matters!). It is normal to feel sad and let down when bf does not work out the way you wnated.

Years ago, I wrote a post about the 'breastfeeding bus' and the ticket you buy to get on it. I'm editing it here to fit your situation:

"At sometime in pregnancy or shortly after the birth, you bought the breastfeeding ticket for the breastfeeding bus. Maybe this was because of stuff you had read, people you had met, whatever......

"Now, it didn't go how you wanted it to go. But you still have that ticket in your pocket. It reminds you of how you thought of yourself, and how you would still like to think of yourself, in a way that touches you deeply.

So could it be that what we have here is regret and sadness? And it makes you mad when people say things that are a little bit silly but not cruel, and it makes you even see hostility.

You're still hanging on to that breastfeeding ticket and that's great. It's how you see yourself, but with a bottle in your hand you know that's not how the world will see you. So you feel embarrassed, and awkward, and under pressure."

Basically, what I am saying is that breastfeeding feels part of your identity.

It won't always feel that way - and anyway, you have breastfed, and a lot longer than most people.

You will in time feel good about the breastfeeding you have shared with your baby - and so you should!

lbsjob87 · 07/08/2014 13:01

I'm in a similar situation although my DS is only 6 weeks, so bloody well done you for getting this far!
I think the actual issue is that we are told "babies should be EBF for 6 months and that's it".
As someone said, only 1% of babies are, but no way are 99% babies undernourished or deprived.
I think it's actually irresponsible to put mums under this much pressure.
If I ran the country - which I might one day- I would ditch the "breast is best" line, make it no longer illegal to advertise formula milk (!) and promote
"A happy baby is one with a happy mum" instead....

blueberrypudding · 07/08/2014 19:00

Hi tiktok - that actually makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing that.

I do feel like I want to be a breastfeeding mum. I guess the hang-up is that I feel like it's so out of my control. I am a total control freak. It just feels like I've battled through the pain of the early weeks and the tongue tie and just as it's supposed to get easier she decides she's not having it.

I suppose it's just one of the many things that will be out of my control when it comes to being a parent. Blush When she hits the teenage years I'm sure I'll be having non-stop anxiety attacks.

lbsjob - BEST OF LUCK!

OP posts:
mopsytop · 07/08/2014 19:57

blueberry, I really felt that lack of control thing. I worked SO hard to make bf work and I couldn't. That was the first time in my life I really truly worked my ass off at something and saw zero result. I found that really hard. I think it make me feel better now though that I know at least I really tried. But it made the first weeks of my baby's life stressful and upsetting when they need not have been. So I am not sure how great it was really. This time I'll give it maybe two weeks. If it works, fab. If not, I'll move on and enjoy my baby!

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 07/08/2014 20:08

Breast is best isn't actually used by the nhs or charities though. And the advertising stuff actually has quite a solid basis, including protecting ff babies. I agree with the realism point though. Smile

tiktok · 07/08/2014 21:25

lbsjob, 'Breast is best ' hasn't been used as a slogan for years. There's nothing to ditch. There is no organisation or agency that ever says ""babies should be EBF for 6 months and that's it", or even words like it. There is a statement about mother's milk providing all the baby needs for the first six months - see www.nhs.uk/start4life/Documents/PDFs/Start4Life_Off_To_The_Best_Start_leaflet.pdf.

I think there is a case that information on using formula alongside bf is hard to find....but that's not what you said.

iK8 · 07/08/2014 21:35

I strongly disagree with the "mother's place is in the wrong" posts. That is just not my experience of that of anyone I know. Most people just don't care what you do so please don't feel judged by others - strangers really, really will not care, nor will people who love you... but most importantly your baby will not care how she was fed.

You do your best and that is all you can do. Congratulations on making a decision because that's winning half the battle with your perception of how things will be and who you ar. Write your own story and give yourself a break.

lbsjob87 · 08/08/2014 14:10

tiktok My HV said those exact words to me yesterday. We were discussing the fact I am going to switch to FF as BF isn't working out for me.
She was very kind and understanding but she used those words. Had I not made up my mind, I may have felt bad by "giving up" at 6 weeks. But I don't.
Far too many people assume that because their experience is different, other people's experiences don't exist.
And you're right, mix feeding is a very grey area, with no support network.
Anyway, OP, as I said, a happy mum has a happy baby. That's my belief, anyway.

Deluge · 08/08/2014 14:18

You've done amazingly well. And you have made the right decision for your family. Please, please don't beat yourself with a stick over this.

Totally relate, as stopped BF at 6 weeks with DC1 (terrible mastitis and abscess) and at just 2 weeks with DC2 as my abscess came back and went septic. First time, I was devastated and felt like the worst mother ever. Second time I realised that we all make the best decisions we can at the time, based on circumstances. I wasnt prepared to go through weeks of stress and pain again and called it quits.

Breastfeeding is so emotive and stopping (even for perfectly sensible reasons) can induce such feelings of guilt. But you really have nothing to feel bad about. Pat yourself on the back for feeding for so long through tough times and concentrate on getting yourself well. Xx

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 08/08/2014 14:25

lbs- then to be honest the issue is with your HV being out of date or under trained. A bit like the stories of hv would trot out that Aptamil is the best formula. Sad

MollyBdenum · 08/08/2014 14:39

Fewer than 1% of babies in the UK are exclusively breastfed for 6 months, which is something to keep in mind if you feel bad. If you imagine a single class intake primary school, statistically one child IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL will have had six months of exclusive breastfeeding. In Hungary, 37% of babies get 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding.

The UK has the lowest breastfeeding rate of the developed world. This suggests to me that it isn't that individual women aren't trying hard hard enough but that women are being failed by the support they are being offered and by a culture which is clearly hindering both people's desire to start breastfeeding and ability to continue.

I think it's really shit that so many mothers are left feeling like failures when they have actually been failed.

monkeyfacegrace · 08/08/2014 14:44

I chose to ff from birth.

I'm the devil himself so whatever happens you can feel okay that you are at least better than me Grin

And fwiw, by the time they get to their first birthday, how they were fed for the first 6 months is forgotten.

MollyBdenum · 08/08/2014 14:49

And I am using the word "failure" because it is used so often by mothers themselves, when really it's totally inappropriate.

Feeding a baby isn't failing.

Making a feeding choice that keeps your baby growing at the appropriate rate isn't failing

Making a feeding choice that allows a mother to treat her own health problems isn't failing.

Making a feeding choice that benefits the mother's mental health isn't failing.

Making an informed decision to use formula because you believe it to be the best for the particular circumstances of your baby can never be a failure - how can doing what you believe to be best with all the knowledge available to you ever be anything but hugely successful parenting?

enormouse · 08/08/2014 15:00

Hi I wanted to share my story with you. I recently stopped breastfeeding DS2 just shy of 6 months.
He's a big boy, very demanding wrt to food and milk and I was up all hours of the night bfing and running myself into the ground. I'm sure this contributed to me developing pnd. The fluoextine I was put on diminished my supply a bit more and I had to stop.

I felt horrendous putting him on formula as I felt like my body had failed and I had bfed DS1 for over a year. I fixated on the bfing as I felt crap about my abilities. And I felt like the pnd had taken the decision to stop bfing away from me.

But he is a completely different child to DS1 and is now thriving on formula. Growing, eating and sleeping well. As am I now. I did feel guilty but seeing him now, it was the right decision for us both.

You can pm me if you like op. If you ever need to talk about it. Thanks

enormouse · 08/08/2014 15:06

I forgot to say, you have done fantastically well to get this far op. You should be proud of yourself.

With a bit of distance and perspective, I feel proud of myself for bfing milk monster DS2 for as long as I did. It was bloody hard.

Be kind to yourself Thanks.

Kendodd · 08/08/2014 15:13

Wow, I think four months bfing is great. I fed my first for about four months and was really pleased with myself for it. I believe that's more than most babies get.

theborrower · 08/08/2014 15:51

Feeding a baby isn't failing... how can doing what you believe to be best with all the knowledge available to you ever be anything but hugely successful parenting?

molly good post. Thank you. I think we all need to be reminded of that.

enormouse · 08/08/2014 16:20

I wish there was a like button for Molly's post.
When I was at my lowest I would have appreciated someone putting it like that.

MollyBdenum · 08/08/2014 16:33

As, thank you. Normally I get called a breastfeeding Nazi, so that makes a nice change.

lbsjob87 · 08/08/2014 19:29

DEFINITELY that, Molly.
That's the message that should be promoted.

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