Breastfeeding at 20+ months and need an exit plan

[KateS88]

Hi ladies,

This is my first visit to Mumsnet so apologies if I'm asking questions you've seen before. I've been breastfeeding my daughter for over 20 months and have loved it most of the time. However, it's getting to be more love-hate these days, partly because it feels like she's becoming more attached as she gets older, and also that it seems to be affecting how she feels about her poor Daddy - i.e. if he goes anywhere near her around bedtime she screams blue murder for me, like she's afraid he'll put her to bed and not me (which has only happened a few times ever). It's the same if he goes to her at night, or first thing in the morning as well.

I've been back at work for 8 months now, and she is finally drinking a fair amount of cow's milk, so the desire for breast is definitely more a comfort blanket than nutritional. We've tried at various points to night wean her, which has worked for a while when my husband is around, but he works different shifts including nights sometimes so its difficult to be consistent. Every time she gets a bit poorly or unsettled and I go to her we seem to be back to square one. She usually only feeds once over night now (but even that's hard with a day job to contend with), and the bedtime routine is stressful because Daddy is completely excluded, she won't even let him read her a book! Sounds crazy I know. The rest of the time she's a very happy, secure and fun little thing but it's like she sees her Daddy as a threat!

In my idealistic mind I had assumed that at some point she would just decide that she didn't need the breast any more and that would be that, but I'm worried that she might never want to give it up and I'm going to have a battle on my hands. Also, we are trying to conceive again and I'd rather finish breastfeeding before that.

I realise I probably need to man up, but we have such a strong bond I'm a bit afraid of the consequences. Any advice from people who've been in a similar situation would be much appreciated.

Thanks
Kate

I didn't feed for quite as long as you but fed for 14 months with my first. There is a certain amount of willpower required on your part, as in if you decide to stop feeding you need to stick to it and be firm. Do things that make it slightly easier to enforce such as wearing clothes that are awkward for LO to get at the goods, start bedtime a little earlier so that they aren't so tired that they get more upset by it and provide a little incentive ie replace the feed with an extra story or a big long cuddle. In the end though it is down to you. I have heard that pregnancy can change the taste of the milk and therefore that might give you a hand if you get pregnant but if it is comfort more than anything else this is unlikely to make much difference, also if you are TTC continuing to breastfeed may make it a little more difficult to conceive I think - I'm not sure of stats with extended breastfeeding but I think it does still have some impact on fertility-obv only while still feeding not in the long term.
It's not the kind of thing you can phase out at this age as they are probably only having the night time feed/night and morning maybe I guess? It won't affect your bond though, don't worry about that! My bond with my first is as strong as ever and once I had made the decision to stop and stuck to it she eventually accepted and it was fine.

HTH

Well, first thing is that I have no direct experience of actively weaning a child. Both my older children actively and naturally self weaned when I reached four months pregnant and my supply disappeared completely. I knew two other mums in the same position and the babies also self-weaned, at different points in the pregnancy. I am now on no. 3, who is only tiny, but at some point I will have to wean him!

So what I'm saying is just what I've picked up from friends, books, etc.

I think that the main things are the evenings/nights. Do you currently feed to sleep? If so, I'd say that is the first thing to go. Your DD is old enough to process what is happening. I personally would start by moving the last feed to before the bedtime routine. Explain something like that milk needs to go to sleep, so you're going to do it before bath now. Then let her have a long feed, then do bath and bedtime. Try to ensure that both of you do the routine, or that you do. Slowly, you can separate the feeding and bedtime more, and introduce your DH into it.

Night weaning might happen naturally if you remove the last feed. Or you might need to actively do it. But it will be easier if you can sort the last feed before bedtime first. I think Elizabeth Pantley has some stuff in No Cry Sleep Solution about night weaning.

What other times does she nurse? Distraction is easier in the day.

FWIW, my 3 year old can still be very mean to my DH in the night or at bedtime. In some ways it's easier to just put her behaviour in perspective as she's one of three, so DH still has plenty to do! Plus she's lovely to him at other times. When he's put her to bed, have you been there, or has it been that you were out?

I had a very similar DC to you and weaned him at 2.5. It was actually all much easier than I had originally feared it might be but I did do it in stages and I had to do it all myself, any involvement of DH just made him howl for me.

I did the following:

1. Nightweaned, very gently loosely following the guide by Jay Gordon. After about 3 nights he was used to it and even though he was a bit annoyed, we had no great hysterics.

1. Waited a month and in this time rearranged the bedtime routine slightly so it went: bath, feed on our bed, into his room for a story and cuddle and put down awake in cot. Stroke back until sleep.

1. Drop breakfast feed by DH immediately getting up and going for breakfast with him as so as he woke.

1. A couple of weeks later drop morning nap feed, replace with good filling snack like a banana and do routine as bedtime: banana on our bed then into his room for story and put into cot awake.

1. A couple of weeks later after a nicely busy day when he would be tired (but not overtired) and had eaten plenty including good supper, do the bedtime routine and just skip the feed stage so: bath then story, into cot.

He maybe asked for a feed once or twice after this but we just said no and swiftly distracted. It was trickier for us as he wouldn't take any milk from a bottle / cup so we couldn't use as a replacement.

So it's certainly not quick but it worked and was very painless and easy for all of us.

Hi op! I came on here to post the same thing! My ds is 23 mths old and I am hoping to stop soon. He too seems to be getting more attached than he is ready to give up!