traumatised by bfeeding 1st time round.. but really want to try again

[rainbow83]

hi all, i'm new here. here's my story and i would like any advice as to how i can go about establishing breastfeeding confidently again.

i am 5 months pregnant and i have a 16 month old toddler. when she was born i was adamant about breastfeeding her. what i didnt realise was how hard it was going to be. she was born by c section and was a vicious bfeeder from birth. she had latch problems and it took ages for her to latch on, and when she eventually did she would chomp for hours. anyway to cut a long story short, both my nipples ( a bit flattish to start with), fell off. my breasts looked grotesque, with my nipples looking like bloody chunks of mince meat (you could actually see my milk ducts). sorry to be so brutal in my description. i fed her even though the pain was unlike anything i have ever felt. despite using nipple shields they didnt heal as the scabs would constantly tear off when she fed. i also tried lansinoh cream regularly, rubbing in my own milk, ice packs, expresing instead of feeding to give my nipples a break i also had a bfeeding councillor and midwives to watch my feeds which they said were fine. eventually her latch became fantastic but one day, when she was about 3 weeks old, i found that she was totally unable to get milk as there was barely nay nipple tissue for her little mouth to hold on to- she would suck but no milk came out although my breasts were full with milk and dripped. i had to giv eformula as she was starving and i couldnt feed anyway and i developed mastisis and then a breast abcess which the surgeon said was the worst he had ever seen. i was put to sleep and an incision was made in my breast (scar still slightly sore and very obvious, under my aeroela) and the abcess was drained but i had to walk aound with a big wound from which 3 plastic tubes were poking out to drain the remaining gunk.

now that i'm pg again (woops) i am having nightmares about breastfeeding and i feel sick with dread . but then a huge part of me is longing and yearning to be able to breastfeed successfuly. i am so eager yet so terrified. i really dont have an ounce of confidence left in me with regards to my ability to breastfeed. but i so desperately want to be able to feed my own baby although i cant quite explain why. does anyone think i have any hope of being able to do so? is there anything i should do next time round to avoid the trauma and nipple damage again? thanks for reading this long message.

goodness me , how sad.. all i can say is every baby is different in lots of little ways, and the next one might just feed like a dream. wishing it all goes well for you this time and hopefully soon someone else will come along and give you some encouraging advice.

rainbow, what a terrible and brave story....I wonder if your baby wa tongue tied at least at the start?

I wonder if your nipples are damaged now, or if they have healed?

I have never heard of a baby going from a 'fantastic' latch to nothing....even with no nipple tissue there should be some way of latching on. So lots of puzzling things there.

How horrible for you to have the abscess....and no wonder you are fearful.
I think you will be helped by talking everythiing through with an experienced person who can listen and who understands bf.

A good, bf-friendly midwife or an experienced bf counsellor could fill the bill.

Did not have it as bad as you, but was unable to breast feed my daughter due to a traumatic birth / not eating properly just before the birth, but whe I had my son 15 months later, I was able to feed him sucessfully. I managed about 6 weeks, which I considered a real sucess considering what happened with my daughter. If you can not feed number 2 it is not a disaster. You are NOT a bad mother if you have problems breastfeeding

oh god rainbow what a horrible time you had.

My experience first time was not dissimilar, not as bad as yours (as in my nipples stayed where they supposed to, just very cracked and bloody). I managed 6 weeks struggling with mastitis, thrush, pain like nothing else - it was honestly the most awful experience of my life.

I gave birth do DS2 three weeks ago. I was dreading breastfeeding - but you know what, he took to it like and angel, my nipples were a bit tender for a few days but now it's fine. The feeds are easy and it honestly is not even a little bit uncomfortable.

Believe that you will be fine this time. At least you know where to get help now and MN is a wonderful source of support. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy
xxx

Jeez Rainbow.
Am sitting here wincing.

Yousound like you had alot of people offering help and support,so I presume you are up on where and how to get help??

Couldthisbe flagged up on your maternity notes too,so that people know to treat you with extra TLC??

tiktok it was very puzzling. later when i started researching into potential reasons for breastfeeding problems it did cross my mind that my baby might have been tongue tied. my nipples did become progessively worse VERY quickly so although she had quickly grasped that she had to open her mouth v. wide, my teatless nipple was somehow not responding (or not producing) a let down reflex. i was full of questions at the time as it was very odd but i think that by then even the bf councillor/midwife (who both suggested i stop bfeeding despite being very pro bfeeding ) had given up on me as seeing the state of my nipples what i was doing was self torture for the sake of bfeeding. i have spoken to my midwife who has added that both my birth and bfeeding experiences were traumatic...... thanks kitegirl too for your message it has made me really hopeful i hope my next baby lactches on better and that my nipples dont fall off.. also they healed within about 6 weeks of giving up bfeeding (only the abcess area of tender, just a little bit).

Oh my god, what a nightmare, I will never complain about bf problems Iv'e had again!

You say your confidence is zero about your ability to bf but its not you and you should try not to blame yourself. Baby has to learn as well, my 7wk still struggles (or is too lazy) to open her mouth really wide when she latches on.

I would suggest you explain all of this to a bf counsellor, like NCT or somewhere you know has counsellors available in your area, with the aim of meeting a counsellor in the first few days so you can get some expert (and ongoing) advice at the beginning.

It is true that babies are all different and this one may be a breeze, but do get some help early on and hopefully that will give you the confidence to try again. I am amazed that you want to after going through what you did, many people are put off by less than that. Its that strong instinct within you as a mum, well done.