Having a bf related breakdown (again!)

[qumquat]

I'm feeling kind of traumatised by my bf experience so far. Starting with inability to latch, engorgemt, mastitis, tongue tie- hideous pain and endless ineffective feeds, no change after tongue tie snip, infected blisters on nipples. I've now switched to expressing which has meant I've been able to practically eliminate ff top ups, but just not sure I can cope much longer. Back to painful engorgement if I don't express very couple of hours (which isn't always possible and means I can't sleep). I'm sat here expressing at 4.30 in floods of tears. I don't know what I want from this thread, I just wanted to get it out. I feel so stuck, I don't want 12 week old dd not to get breast milk, but I'm not sure I can cope any more. Scared if I give up completely I'll regret it, the occasional go on the breast gives her south comfort. maybe looking after a baby is this miserable however you feed? Sorry I'm not thinking straight. Please make me a virtual cup of tea and tell me to get over myself!

Virtual cup of tea and a hug - not telling you to get over it though!

Sounds like you are really struggling. I can't tell you what to do but it seems to me you have several options..

1. Keep going as you are. However, you are obviously miserable and I don't think feeding is that hard whatever you do. You want to be happy as well - if you are happier surely that's best for your lo?
2. Keep expressing - but then you have engorgement. I found this when I expressed that I just ended up getting fuller and fuller needing to express more and more. And getting up to express when baby is asleep is not a good feeling - totally sympathise.
3. Try and go back to fully breastfeeding. Get some more support from breastfeeding clinics, LLL etc
4. Go onto formula.

I know you said you don't want to switch to formula totally. I can't make the decision for you but I do think you need to be happy and you don't sound happy right now. If it were me, I'd switch to formula.. 3months on breast milk is a great start to life and sounds like you've done fab considering the issues you had.

Thinking of you and hoping it gets easier xxx

You poor thing, that sounds really hard. It sounds like you've tried everything and hit every possible problem. You should feel really proud of your achievement having got to 12 weeks.

No I don't think looking after a little one should be miserable. Sleep deprivation, however, does fuck with your head. Could it be that there are 2 issues here, one is the BF and one is the fact that you are having to wake every couple of hours to pump?

I think you need to get some specialist advice and support on how to deal with this engorgement problem, which sounds horrible. You don't need to get over yourself. Your DD needs a happy mummy as much as she needs BM.

Get some help OP. You don't have to suffer like this - call your midwives and get someone who really knows what they're doing with bf to come round and help. Ultimately, what your baby needs most is a happy mummy. Be that a breastfeeding, bottle feeding or formula feeding one. There's no shame in any method - but you deserve the best help before you decide. Good luck

Thank you everyone! Feeling a bit more sane now! (Although didn't get any more sleep!). At the start I felt really abandoned but I have had more help since, but none of the experts we've seen have managed to improve her latch, although I'm now pain free on one side, which I think has become insensate!. I'm generally anxious and terrible at making decisions, so in that sense my current state is typical me. If I could bf for under an hour a time and dd be satisfied and me be pain free that would be my dream, I just don't know if that's possible. Thanks again for the cups of tea! Xx

Oh bless you, glad to hear your feeling better this morning.

You've done a fantastic job getting to 12 weeks with that very long list of problems!

Formula isn't the enemy. if It keeps you sane, pain free and getting more sleep then personally I would have a good think about switching at this point. And I say this as a huge fan of breast feeding.

Breast feeding shouldn't t make you ill.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best and hope you get s decent sleep soon.

[Brew]

The side I'm pain free on she still hangs on the nipple and still doesn't seem to drink properly though, so after an hour on there she still wants about 150ml expressed.

Sorry peacelilly I hadnt seen your post when I posted again. I think I can't bring myself to switch to formula having been through so much, I've also tried really hard to practically eliminate formula after having been 50:50 a couple of weeks ago. Thanks so much for your support. I'm struggling on for now and do feel proud to see the amount of b milk dd is getting. Hopefully will allow myself to switch to formula when I finally crack!

Have.you seen a lactation consultant? Sorry i kmow.you.said.experts but otay be worth trying another?

Your determimation.is incredible, you are doing.so well!you need support though as longer term the current situation is unworkable

I.really hope it gets easier for you.

Find a lactation consultant and get some real life help. Get rechecked for tongue tie they can reattach or not be cut back enough so there is still a restriction.