Still feeling guilty and low

[Joshjunior]

Sorry, this is going to be a long one! To set the scene - first baby, boobs failed to produce anything, ds ended up in scbu after a week with severe dehydration. Put onto formula, became intolerant, back into hospital, now on Neocate. I did try to bfeed again but that didn't work and ?intolerant of breast milk as started being sick again. Now 16 weeks and puting some weight on but still no where near the charts. Is under the hospital as was also born with 'funny' thumbs, an extra bone in one and the other very long like a finger. He has had every organ of his body either scanned or X-rayed, and was tested for cystic fibrosis. We still have to see the geneticist. The present problem, I'm still feeling lower than low about not feeding him. I really struggle to see other mums bfeeding. ds has now taken to playing with the bottle and it's a real struggle to get enough food down him in 24 hrs. I feel that I'm being judged on how much weight I can get him to put on each week. Feeding times are getting more and more fraught and I have found myself crying and shouting at the poor chap if I feel he hasn't eaten enough. I dare not go out of the house as any distraction and he won't eat. Worst of all, I would like nothing more than to try feeding him myself again, but I know dh would go balistic if I tried. Will I get over this? I feel I am living on a knife edge and really dread each feed and weigh in. Sorry sounds very self involved. Anyone had similar - how did you cope?

i had exactly the same problem right for starters dont beat yourself up about the breast feeding thing its not your fault its just theway mother nature makes us
secondly how often are you feeding him my ds weight plummeted after he was born because he wasnt taking enough milk so what we was told to do was pick twelve hours out of a day straight hours and feed him every two hours and thats two hous from when you start not finish this is the hardest part because during the day you have to wake him up and make sure he takes the minimum of 2oz per feed
try getting someone else to feed him once or twice a day or more if possible because a baby can tell a stressed out mother and there fore will take less feed because of this while your partner is feeding him go out for a walk get fresh air and more important a break which will make you feel better when you get back to him if he wont take 2oz which sadly mine wouldnt we had to keep offering the milk every fifteen miniutes until atleast 2oz has gone and then start all over again when it comes to his weighing dont worry to much about his weight as long as hes putting it on you will find he will straighten it self out but please remember this aint a over night solution but you should be able to see improvments within the first couple of weeks sorry but thats all we could do and i cant think of anything else that might help

Oh Joshjunior - I really feel for you! Feeding is such an issue and so many people I know (including me) felt guilty and depressed about not being able to feed. I actually found taking him out for long walks in the pram helped as he generally fell asleep then and I didn't have to worry about feeding him at that moment. The fresh air also helped me let off steam.
Do you have someone sympathetic to talk to? HV? Friends with young babies too?
I don't know if this helps - please ignore if it doesn't. Last night My DH and I were talking about the feeding problems we had with DS1 and I said that, 2 years later, the fact that breast feeding was such an issue is completely irrelevant now. Didn't ever think I'd say that at the time - I thought it was the end of my world.
Hang in there - lots of people will support you here too.

oh jj, you have such a lot to cope with, especially with a first baby! you sound like you have done/are doing EVERYTHING possible for your little one. If breastfeeding didn't work (and you have tried it twice), then you are going to have to move on. It ISN'T your fault - just one of those things. Didn't work for me either, with three babies - I felt like crap and guilty each time, but once I made the mental decision that that was it - it wasn't going to work and I should look forward not back - it became a lot easier to deal with.
In relation to weight etc - one benefit of bottlefeeding is that you KNOW how much milk goes into him at each feed (so that is one stress of breastfeeding that you don't have to deal with right now). As Mummytojames says, it is just a case of offering milk little and often if he isn't going to do big feeds a bit further apart. It may be that his sickness etc is connected - that he can't really take big feeds at the moment. I think M2J is spot on in saying that you should be allowing other people to help you give feeds - your dp, or mother, or whoever offers! Again, another benefit of bottlefeeding that you wouldn't have with breast. (Just trying to be positive here, not denigrating breastfeeding in any way folks!). I know it is difficult, but is there any way you can ignore the weight charts? If he is no-where near them, then they are of no meaning to your child, and you should instead be looking at other factors to check health - is he doing at least one dirty nappy a day? Is he wetting nappies a lot? Is he alert when he is awake? Does he seem distressed a lot or alternatively is he sleeping much more than you would expect of a child his age? In other words, go with your instincts. This is VERY difficult to do, especially with a first child as you haven't got the confidence that earlier babies give you, and also because a lot of stuff you get told by hvs, other mothers you bump into at baby clinics etc is, frankly guff.

Sorry this is so long, but my advice is to - share the load with bottle feeding, feed little and often, go with your instincts as to whether he is taking enough milk, and do what your paediatrician/specialists say. If your HV tells you something that you are unhappy about, speak to another one, and if you are still not sure that what she says is right/matches your instincts, speak to the paediatrician.

And keep posting!!! Hugs
You

I'd echo what pph said - if you feel he's doing ok, then he probably is. A friend of mine had a baby who took till he was 2 to reach the centile charts, and was never a good eater. But he is full of beans, energetic, incredibly bright - he's just little. And actually he's just himself. I know how stressful those centile charts can be - the reason they monitor growth is to see if there is an underlying problem. They're not trying to judge you as a mother, depending on where your baby falls on them. If they were, I would be one of the worst in town, as neither of mine have put on much weight - they were both between 91st and 98th centile at birth, and dd is now between the 2nd and the 9th. But she's strong and healthy.

Please try to give yourself a break - it's tough with babies, as you just worry about everything. And you gave breastfeeding your best shot. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and sound like an excellent mum! Just enjoy your little one!

Joshjunior, your message took me back to exactly a year ago, when I started bottlefeeding dd at 2 months. She was a big baby at birth in early January (98th percentile), but she got jaundice and lost 10% of her body weight. I persisted with exclusive bfeeding until early March. She gained no weight at all for about 6 weeks and by March, she was still only back at her birthweight. The problem was that I didn't have enough milk. It was very upsetting and frustrating and I felt I was letting her down. My health visitor was supportive and helped me to work out a programme of mixed bf and bottle feeding and this meant I could keep the bf going for two more months. But I felt guilty about bottling feeding her and very inadequate.

However, she started to put on weight as soon as I began bottlefeeding and she was back on the 98th growth percentile by 11 months. I am extremely glad that I 'gave in' and bottle fed her.

I don't know whether it will help you to know that all these feelings will fade with time. Once dd began to eat solids, I felt a great weight of responsibility lifting from me. The whole breast/bottle thing now seems very far way. Don't be hard on yourself. Mothering is about so much more than feeding. You love your baby however you feed him and he will know this.

There was a discussion quite recently on how to bottle feed in a loving way.

Sometimes mother nature doesn't work properly. Breastfeeding doesn't come easily to everyone and there are the mumsnet threads to prove it. You tried and you tried your best.

What your son needs is food and formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative to breast milk. Millions of babies thrive on it after all. There's more to mothering your son than nursing him. He needs to thrive and it sounds like formula is helping him do that.

I would say that if you want to try bf again then do but only if you really really want to and only if you can cope with the prospect of it not working again. I don't know the technicalities but I wonder if at 16 weeks it is too late and you would simply be setting yourself up for disappointment.

You mention that it's a struggle to bottle feed him - well, I very much doubt breastfeeding would be any easier. He'd simply be playing with your breast instead and you'd have no idea how much he's had to eat. Weighing in sessions would be even more fraught.

I'm sure you will get over it. Maybe you'll always have a twinge of regret but you'll come to realise that bf this particular baby simply wasn't meant to be and formula worked best for him.

Lots of hugs... always remember that you did your very best and tried twice to feed him. Stick areound mumsnet, you'll get lots of support.

Let us know how your little one's doing

anyone with a new baby, first time has feelings of doubt and questions if they are doing what is best.

Don't beat yourself up - you sound like you tried and things didn't work out. Your baby needs you to help him in all sorts of other ways.

By the way - I have breastfed one and bottlefed 2 and they all became fussy with feeding at about 4ish months - too much other interesting stuff going on. Just try and relax - if he isn't taking it - give yourselves a break and try again in half an hour. He won't starve himself - honest.

One of my boys was born weighing a bit below 4lb (smaller twin) - he never got near any of the charts, but has grown happily on his own track - he is now a busy 13 month old - still small but perfectly healthy. Don't get stressed about weigh - as long as he is growing out of clothes then he is fine.

Hi. Would you feel better if your bottle feeding him breast milk? that way both you and your DH would be happy. You'd know how much milk he was getting and you'd also know it was yours best of both worlds. This is what i did when i couldn't bear the pain of breast feeding. Just as an aside if he is bringing up breastmilk it could be that he has a dairy allergy so you might find he keeps the breast milk down if you cut out or decrease the dairy in your diet (i'm no expert but i had a friend with this problem and it worked)

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I think I'm going through a difficult time in general at the moment. Have started having flash backs to the birth which was very traumatic - emergency section and they nearly lost him. Having taken 4 years to get him, I think I had a rather unreal expectation that life would be a bunch of roses once he was here - very foolish I realise now. In general he is a very happy chappy. Developmentally normal and sleeps well so I know I'm luckier than some. Think I need a good kick up the pants!

JJ - what a time you are having.

I don't agree with the advice here to ignore the weight charts - it's fine to do this with a baby whose obviously thriving and bouncing and feeds well, but yours doesn't. There is still a question mark about his health and this must be so stressful for you - weight charts in this instance are one way of monitoring an important sign of health, his growth.

It's possible that the feeding problems you are having now are the same ones that caused the bf difficulties - babies with severe dehydration have not been bf effectively, and shame on the health professionals caring for you at that time not to spot this and ring alarm bells. It's often something mothers themselves don't recognise.

You don't need to wonder about whether you should start bf again.....just put your baby to the breast whenever you feel like it, and see if you both enjoy and relax into the closeness and physical connection of it. Actually aiming to build up to a supply once again is a challenge, and takes hard work and committment and probably the support of your dh, too....maybe it's not the time to do it when you are concerned about unresolved health issues in your baby. But sticking him on, or close to, your breast.....that's not committing you to anything, and may be quite nice for you and your baby

Mummytojames, sorry to highjack this thread, but I asked you on another thread about who had told you you had lost your milk in pregnancy, which was such a crazy thing to say, and you disappeared!!