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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

I failed at breast feeding

16 replies

Beanymonster · 01/02/2014 09:51

So my dd is 1yo, and I didn't even consider that breast feeding wouldn't go to plan. She couldn't latch due to severe tongue tie, and the waiting list for it to be cut on the nhs was 3 weeks, couldn't afford to go private.
I gave up after the longest 5 days in my life, and she's now happy and thriving on bottles.

I'm 15w pregnant, and I'm honestly not sure I can deal with the emotional side of trying to breast feed, but I so so badly want to :(

I don't think it's helping that I found out yesterday that if I had gone to a different breast feeding clinic (still in my home town) they have someone there who cuts tongue ties there and then..

Does anyone have a success after failure story for me?

OP posts:

tiktok · 01/02/2014 09:56

beany what a sad tale ... But there is no reason why things would be the same next time. Even if your next baby has a tt (and he/she may not) you will know what to do and where to go.

How about writing a letter to the maternity unit and the breastfeeding specialist if there is one saying how they let you down ?

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 09:59

Oh beany

It's not a test, there's no pass or fail. Is your ddd happy and healthy? If so you've succeeded.

I know breast is best and I don't understand why anyone wouldnt give it a go first of all but I didn't find it easy either time and the breastapo put people under so much pressure. Don't put yourself under too much, the good thing is you now know about the other clinic, good luck with it all.

hoppinghare · 01/02/2014 10:00

I'd say you didn't fail at anything. Breastfeeding didn't work for you and your baby. The two things are very different.

This next baby will be different and breastfeeding may work for you both or formula feeding might. Go with whatever works and enjoy your new baby.

Original poster

Beanymonster · 01/02/2014 10:01

The trouble is, I'm not sure who let me down.. Everyone did :(
I was taken to the ward at 11pm, and buzzed (had epidural!) for a midwife to help me breastfeed about 1ish, what I didn't know is that not everyone is a midwife.. A lady came and I was in tears asking for help, and she told me if my dd was hungry she would cry, and to stop trying (she wasn't a midwife) it scared me to ask for help until the morning, she still hadent fed by 9am when my partner turned up and demanded someone please give me some help! On night 3 (!) a lactation specialist came and saw me, and that's when the tongue tie was discovered, and she (was amazingly kind) and persuaded me one bottle wouldn't kill her, but when she drank 3/4s of it the mws started to realise she hadent managed to get anything from me..
I'm just so scared it will happen again, I'm not sure I'm over the disappointment of my dd not being fed by me yet

OP posts:

BigW · 01/02/2014 10:02

Yes! I have one. I feel for you so much. We found it so so hard. DS just would not latch on. I had an EMCS so I was in hospital for three days after he was born. Every three hours someone would come and try to get him to latch on. He would not! Eventually he did, the day I was sent home. But when I was home, I found that we couldn't do it again. The health visitor never turned up for the visit and so I slipped into a pattern of expressing and formula feeding.

About two weeks after he was born, I got a random phone call from a breastfeeding specialist from my local authority. She asked if I was breastfeeding and I just burst into tears! She came round and sat with me for a full hour. Eventually she suggested I try with the nipple guards. It worked. By the time he was 4 weeks, he was EDF. We never found it easy. Even as he got older, but we got through it and I'm glad we did.

BigW · 01/02/2014 10:03

About two weeks after he was born, I got a random phone call from a breastfeeding specialist from my local authority. She asked if I was breastfeeding and I just burst into tears! She came round and sat with me for a full hour. Eventually she suggested I try with the nipple guards. It worked. By the time he was 4 weeks, he was EBF. We never found it easy. Even as he got older, but we got through it and I'm glad we did.

BigW · 01/02/2014 10:04

Sorry for double post. Crazy ass phone is driving me nuts! !

Cookiepants · 01/02/2014 10:14

You have succeeded at feeding and caring for your healthy and happy baby girl!

Whatever you decide for your new baby will be right for you and you're child - be kind to yourself. If it helps you my friends first DS would never latch and she had to FF, her DD latched on straight away and hasn't let go since . She had a cupboard full of formula waiting as she felt she couldn't go through what she had been through with DS.

GoodtoBetter · 01/02/2014 10:17

My DS was born at a low birth weight (4lb 12oz) at 36 weeks in Spain, where they aren't brilliant about bfing. Although he didn't need special care or oxygen, he was really jaundiced and sleepy and wouldn't latch til day 5 and then only for about 30 secs before he was too tired. He was on formula in hospital as they said his bloods were too unstable and tbh I didn't really know enough to say no. We managed a bit of bfing until he was 8 weeks when all the endless trying to latch and express and bottle feed and sterilise and make feeds etc just drove me mad (and I reckoned based on what he was was taking in formula he wasn't really getting anything from me) and I gave up. I could have tried harder but I was a bit in shock from it all and so tired and had to go back to work when he was 7 months and felt a bit hopeless about bfing.
Then had DD who was born at 39 weeks, (7lb 7oz I think, only know it in kilos) who came out and craned her neck to look all around, eyes wide open, bfed from 30 mins old until she was 16 months when she decided she'd had enough.
It can be done. Part of my success with DD was she had the strength to do it, but also I knew what to expect much more.
Best wishes. xxx

GoodtoBetter · 01/02/2014 10:20

And you know what? It was really important to me at the time, hugely so...but now it's all years ago (DD is nearly 3) it's faded. You do your best, which you have, you gave her the best start you could in the circumstances you had, and then you let it go. You have to. I'm sure you'll be fine this time with more knowledge and support.
I hope all of that doesn't sound too clumsy. xx

Original poster

Beanymonster · 01/02/2014 11:31

Thank you so much, everyone! I don't think I was at all prepared for the emotions to be bought back up again being preg with my 2nd. I have no idea how long breastfeeding takes, is it hard to find time with a toddler? :/

OP posts:

tiktok · 01/02/2014 12:20

beany you can write to the lactation specialist you saw and tell her the whole tale. It sounds like there was no coordination from the start. Someone needs to know, officially, that a mother is still grieving and afraid, after the useless excuse for support and help they offered you.

harverina · 01/02/2014 22:00

Beany it is hard having a newborn and a toddler regardless of how you feed - I am bf'ing dd2 who is 13 weeks old. Dd1 is 3. Dd2 feeds frequently and at times I feel guilty about how little time I spend 1:1 with dd1 but this stage doesn't last for long and I make sure we go out on plenty of play dates and trips so that even if I can't sit on the floor with her and play for long, she is still getting lots of opportunities to play and learn.

I have friends who have toddlers and a newborn baby and I would say that the mums who formula feed have similar feelings to me!

With regards to you bf'ing this time - well my story is very different in that dd1 did manage to bf, however, we had a very difficult start as she didn't feed until day 4. With hindsight I see now that she never really fed all that well. I have always suspected that she has a tongue tie too. Dd2 is a different story all together. She latched on while I was being stitched and we have had NO issues with feeding at all - I couldn't believe how easy it seemed!

So although my story is very different, what I am trying to say in a very long drawn out way (sorry! Lack of sleep!) is that every baby is different and you should just see how it goes this time. Don't put pressure on yourself. Sending you lots of best wishes.

Original poster

Beanymonster · 02/02/2014 18:46

tik I think I will, it might even make me feel a bit better for someone to officially know the problems!

harverina no, not long winded at all! Aha, I think your right, either way when your home with baby and toddler your going to be 'stuck' doing something! I think I just need to keep perspective and remember it's not failing to not be able to breast feed! Will give it a good hard go, but if it doesn't work again I think bottles to keep everyone sane!

Thank you all so much!!

OP posts:

anothernumberone · 02/02/2014 18:51

3 tt babies 2 ff after big bf problems last one bf for 2 years. We struggled with bf but found getting lots of top class support the only solution. Best of luck.

carovioletfizz · 02/02/2014 21:49

Please don't feel a failure. You didn't breastfeed for as long as you wanted to. What failed you was the lack of support that you got. And a lot of mothers feel emotional about BFing not going the way they wanted it to, even years on.

I gave up after five days with DD1, and DD2 three years later, in pain and misery. I told myself I was just one of those women who could not breastfeed.

With DD3 I got the right support from a lovely,patient, supportive midwife and breastfed her till she was 16 months. Still going strong with DS1 at 2 years!

This time, perhaps see if there are any antenatal breastfeeding classes you can attend? Arm yourself with the numbers of all the BFing support in your local area, and the number of the BFing helpline - 0300 100 0212, so if things don't go to plan you'll know where to go for help. It might even be worth giving them a call before your baby is born so you can have a proper chat about what happened last time.

Good luck!x

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