Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I think EBF is making me miserable.

45 replies

PearlGrey · 12/01/2014 14:42

I type in tears as I feel so guilty but I feel totally trapped. Dd 2 is 10 weeks and all I seem to do is feed her. Bf this time around has come easy. Good supply, no pain, good latch etc. but I feel miserable and exhausted. We live abroad so I have no family to give me a break. DH answer is to get a nanny. I just want to run away from it all. I don't know how to continue with this level of responsibility. At least if she was ff I could hand her over. I'm co sleeping too. I'm not even the attachment parent type.
Has anyone felt so totally overwhelmed by bfing even if the actual physicality of it is easy?

OP posts:

MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 12/01/2014 14:49

I bf and co sleep and have never spent more than 50 minutes away from my baby.
It's overwhelming and I do get down sometimes. I think it's only natural.
Could you try expressing and have DH feed? If you want extra support, then maybe give a nanny/some form of help a serious think.
Whatever you do, don't feel guilty! You have done great to get so far and there is no shame in changing things if they aren't working for you.

TheXxed · 12/01/2014 14:52

The reality of FF for many IME is DH will help for a little bit then you will be stuck sterilising bottles and making formula at 3 in the morning instead of just shoving your nipple in their mouth and falling asleep.

I felt exactly the same as you and my family were able to help. Maybe get a housekeeper a few days a week and you can get some rest. In a few weeks you will be able to leave your DC for longer periods of time and this will be a distant memory.

Ragwort · 12/01/2014 14:53

Why don't you try mix-feeding, I know this seems to be frowned upon but it is what I did very happily - I mainly b/f my son but he would have a bottle most days, more if it suited whatever we were doing. For some reason mixed feeding really isn't promoted but in my opinion it worked really well.

You don't have to co-sleep unless it is something you obviously want to do.

Whatever you do, please don't feel guilty.

Original poster

PearlGrey · 12/01/2014 15:01

I have help so I don't have to do housework but I am just so tired. DH is no help. He feels the baby is my responsibility. I guess I am missing my freedom - I know that sounds selfish. But I am starting to dread each day, each night.... Dc 1 is 9. I forgot how exhausting a tiny baby is.

I'm having a bad day I guess. I feel guilty as I am neglecting my older child as everything seems to be about the baby. I just feel alone in all this and am focussing on the bfing as it is all on me. I only bf dc 1 for a few weeks so as I have found it so easy this time I am wracked with guilt at the thought of stopping. It's crazy as I am not this earth mother type iykwim.....

Thanks for your responses.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 12/01/2014 15:06

The problem sounds like your DH not the feeding

A young baby is tiring and they feed a lot

The baby is not solely your responsibility

The answer is not a nanny it is him stepping up

For me, co sleeping was a massive sanity saver and at least I was horizontal even if I wasn't asleep

It is overwhelming and tiring especially if you aren't getting support from your partner

EvenFlo · 12/01/2014 15:07

I switched to ff at about 4 weeks and in all honesty it was the best thing I ever did - despite being a heart wrenching decision process.

Do whatever you feel is right for you because it is so true that happy mum = happy baby.

And for what it's worth I have found FF pretty easy in terms of bottles etc, just need to be organised.

IrisWildthyme · 12/01/2014 15:07

Is it possible that you might have PND? It's just that it might not be the EBF that is actually causing your misery.
I'm sorry things are so low for you at the moment. If you think the EBF is really the issue, don't hesitate for a moment to move to a mixed feeding system where you give some feeds from a bottle and can have a break. However many people post to point out the benefits of EBF, your baby needs a sane happy mum a lot more than she needs those benefits and no matter what the those benefits are there are still loads of healthy happy adults who were once bottle-fed babies - if that's what you need to do in order to be able to cope then that is the right choice for you and don't let anyone else tell you different.

rubyslippers · 12/01/2014 15:09

Sorry - I read my post and it sounds harsher than it's meant to

If you switched to bottles do you think your DH would genuinely do more feeding? More to help?? If he isn't engaged now, what would change?

If he really won't, and you can afford it then yes buy in help

Original poster

PearlGrey · 13/01/2014 11:20

No problem ruby DH being a bit of a knob tbh.

Ragwort how do you mixed feed? I mean can you describe your daily feeding routine.

Thanks again ladies. Just read a thread about bf and diet. Think I may not be taking as good care of myself as I should. I just have no real appetite. So logically this alone would make me feel drained.

OP posts:

Felix90 · 13/01/2014 11:26

My dd is 3 weeks old and I've been feeling the same recently. I've now switched to mixed feeding and don't feel as overwhelmed! I will bf her or feed her expressed milk from the bottle through the day then she has a feed of formula at night. I bought some pre-mixed cartons so it's quick and easy to prepare. It's taken the pressure off when I'm exhausted and means DP can get involved too. Do you have a pump to try expressing?

niknak888 · 13/01/2014 12:53

I felt exactly the same one week in. Found the emotional and mental aspect of BF really hard not to mention it being totally physically exhausting. DS is 7 weeks now and I started mixed feeding at 1 week. Some days he has 50% FF other day he has 90% BFs, it just depends on what he and I both feel like doing at the time. For us it has worked really well. Obviously I have to keep an eye on supply and I will often pump in the evening if DS is having a bottle then. This has allowed me to build up a good freezer stash should we decide to stop BF. We have had a couple of times where he has refused the breast over a bottle so this is something you need to be aware of.

At the end of the day the only person who is looking after your baby is you so you need to do what is best for you and baby. If that means adding in some or all formula then so be it. I do agree with others though that if DH isn't helping much with feeding etc now that's not likely to change with bottles either.

Sunflower1985 · 13/01/2014 13:17

Didn't want to read and run. It's very hard to make valid suggestions from a few lines of text, but if you are feeling like it could be pnd, which is very common because of the massive changes in body chemistry, I would recommend seeking out emotional support. It makes things that should be easy seem impossible.
Do you have healthcare there? Or maybe a volutary organisation?

iclaudius · 13/01/2014 13:22

Yes
I am the same
Ds is 24 weeks ebf and it's exhausting
My advice was from a worldly wise HV who told me to only feed four hourly in the day and I find that really helps me chill a bit in between feeds
I too am not attachmenty type

tiktok · 13/01/2014 13:24

Glad it worked for you iclaudius but feeding four hourly is distrastrous to bf for many women :(

lilyaldrin · 13/01/2014 13:29

You can always add in occasional bottles of formula (if your baby will take a bottle!). I never got on with expressing so if I wanted to go out the baby would have a bottle of formula. From about 4 months DP would do a bottle feed at 11pm, so I could go to bed early and get a good stretch of sleep until the baby needed a feed about 3am.

One thing I would say though, is that in the experience of friends of mine, once they started doing 2 bottles of formula a day it lead to the end of breastfeeding sooner than they would have wanted.

sittingagain · 13/01/2014 13:37

I have to say I absolutely hated breastfeeding - I also had plenty of milk, both babies latched well, but I simply hated it.

DS1, I managed 10 days, and I thought I was going to lose it completely. GP, Health visitor and midwife were all very worried and I just decided there and then to stop.

DS2, I really wanted to make it work and pretty much BF exclusively until 4 months - and cried throughout every feed.

It turned out that I was suffering from and overactive thyroid as a result of the pregnancy, and the hormone surges linked to breastfeeding seemed to make it worse.

I mix fed from 4 months, and felt like a different person. I mix fed until 7.5 months in the end.

TeaAndFag · 13/01/2014 13:42

Just give your baby a bottle! Why make yourself and your elder child suffer? I speak as someone who nearly had a breakdown as I found the pressure to bf and the physical demands of it just too much. Some women get on with it, some don't. Won't make you a bad mum if you ff. Infact, from the sounds of it it will make you, and in turn, your baby, happier.

dannydyerismydad · 13/01/2014 13:52

You sound really down. EBF can be really terrifying and overwhelming. It's a big responsibility being solely responsible for your little one.

It does get easier, I promise. Feeds get quicker and baby can go longer in between feeds. If baby really is feeding all the time though, you might want to think about getting a tongue tie check - tongue tie can make feeding slow and inefficient.

Your DH could (and should) absolutely be doing more. He could bring you drinks to keep you hydrated during the night feeds and help you to settle the baby. Let him know that you need more help.

CPtart · 13/01/2014 13:59

I was the same. Found bf easy but by three months each time I had simply had enough. Stopped purely for selfish reasons and never looked back. Never contemplated co sleeping either, with no help those hours at night were the only break from DC that I ever got!

The fact that your DH feels the baby is your responsibility is your biggest issue IMO.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/01/2014 14:16

I mixed fed and the bottles are no hassle really - I had 8 bottles and only had to wash and put them in the steriliser once a day, which took about 15 mins max.

At night keep a flask of hot water by your bed so you can warm up the bottle.

It is a big deal to stop / reduce bf but I wanted to highlight that ff is really not that difficult! It's very convenient in other ways - no need to wear bf clothing, and others can feed the baby for you.

BettyBoo246 · 13/01/2014 19:31

Op give yourself a break - if bf is causing you this much distress and you feel ff might help you then give it a go - do not beat yourself up about it!
10 weeks is a long time and you've done well to get this far!
Your dd will get all she needs from formula
Happier mother = happier baby :)

applepigs · 13/01/2014 20:32

Hi I'm sorry to hear it's so hard. I totally think you should do whatever works at this point and I think getting to 10 weeks is a great thing to do. I would say that at 10 weeks things are still getting established- even though you've not had any problems as such you're still in the very intense part of breastfeeding. I'm at 17weeks ebf with dc2 and I'd say at about 14 weeks it got easier and felt less overwhelming/frequent. I'm not really suggesting you do one thing or another just offering hope maybe that it may well get easier soon if you do go on bfing.
ps someone in your house needs to pull his socks up ;)

Joskar · 13/01/2014 22:12

You could always try a couple of bottles and see if you prefer it. Or give the odd bottle now and then. You don't need to pressure yourself. You don't need to decide and never change your mind. A good night's sleep might put it in perspective.

Tbh, I'd say it was your man not your bairn that needs a change. Maybe explain that carrying, having and feeding a baby is quite a big deal and a bit of emotional and practical support is his job right now. You can't do it all yourself.

Aberchips · 14/01/2014 10:17

I found it exhausting first time round & eventually ended up getting quite upset over it as felt so "tied" to my baby, especially as he wouldn't take a bottle. I began to resent having to be with him all the time.

with my second I mixed up bottle & breast from about 6 weeks & found it so much more enjoyable. I had more freedom (especially to go out with my eldest on his own), my husband could give the odd feed.

If you think it might help how you feel then I would say give it a try.

What you're feeling is only normal IMO, you're tired, hormonal & coping with a very demanding period of your baby's life.

iclaudius · 15/01/2014 11:06

Tiktok I really beg to differ with you on this
I have advised many women on bf over the years and have been thanked many times

Once the supply is established feeding a love long feed at both breast four hourly ? Where's the problem ?

I feel advising women to demand feed is counter productive and can not only encourage the baby to snack not getting hind milk but also utterly over face and give the feeding mother no break. I failed at breast feeding when given this advice - my HV who had been one 40 years advised the four hourly and I succeeded - stayed SANE which was important and my babies thrived

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread