struggling to wean 18m.o.:( advice please xx

[mammainlove]

Please repost anonymously, thank you.

Hi all, I'd like some advice re' weaning my 18month old boy. He absolutely loves breastmilk/feeding. I don't think he's ready to wean yet, but I am for lots of reasons, including being hit&screamed at through day&night if I don't give him any/enough (in his opinion). I'm exhausted. I've reduced feeds gradually over a month or 2,(tho went back to feeding on demand when we both had colds&flu), now I just feed him for nap times,&getting him to sleep at night,&I've been trying to cut down night feeds to just 1,but he gets so upset&angry! Screams for about an hour on&off between 4&6. This isn't getting less/easier. What I need to decide is;

1. whether to cut night feeds altogether (even though I only reduced to 1 a few days ago) so he's not confused?
2. Should I let his dad share bed with him&I sleep in another room (bit scared he'll really suffer with this&think I've abandoned him!)
3. What milk to 'replace' it with(not dairy&he doesn't like it), almond, rice, soya, oat, a mixture or something (formula?) I've not thought of? Sorry for long post. Thanks so much in advance xx

Sorry about opening, I first wrote for another page on Facebook but they didn't repost it :-/

Joining in as having similar problems with 20mo. He was down to one or two feeds over night but due to illness this crept up and also ended up feeding him to sleep one or two nights which we haven't done for ages. Now he want feeding every bedtime, and for hours at night.

Currently he is screaming in his room with dh singing. I too worry he will feel abandoned and don't want our feeding time to end like this but goingad amd getting angey with him at the amount of night feeds when I feel he can and should sleep more.

Hope someone can offer advice, only thing id say from own experience is that even one remaining feed can escalate if they are keen on milk, and I wish we had cut hs night feeds entirely before this could happen.

Sorry for typos.

Sorry to hear that blossom..sounds like my situation! :-/

Personally I would start with day time feeds. He should be easier to distract at this point. Does he feed when you are out and about?
I would then be going cold turkey and giving him to his Dad! But then I'm a meany and never fed on demand after they started solids.
Whatever you decide I think you are going to have to make a descision and stick to it.
I don't believe he will think you've abandoned him. He would be with someone who loves him. Safe and cared for. Once it has passed, within a few weeks he won't remember it happened.
As far as replacing the milk goes you will probably just have to try them all and see which one, if any, he goes for. My 12 months old is down to morning and evening feeds and still show no interest in milk from a cup! Ah, well keep on trying!

Thank you. You really think he won't remember after a few weeks? I've read that weaning them when they're not ready could have negative repercussions.. x

Well my LO is about to turn 2 and after quite a long time of thinking I should stop but not knowing how to or wanting to upset him I've decided it feels right. He also gets really cross when I say no- so the cutting down has been very gradual and at times I've caved in. Ultimately I don't reckon I could go on indefinitely and he may still want bm aged 4 for all I know so it seems a good time to wean.
My strategy has been to not be around the minute he wakes up (as he always wants bm then but after 5 mins he's forgotten) and to avoid the usual milk routine at night, and refuse to feed during the day. This is day 2 and its working so far-but dh had been around. I figure I'll do his middle of the night feed for a few days and see how it goes.

Not sure about the trauma thing but I reckon in other mammals weaning can also be mother led from what I know of evolutionary psychology? So don't see that full term bf is necessary more natural? Also as it was annoying me to keep feeding and causing tantrums when I refused I think this is also a source of stress for him and hopefully once he's weaned he'll allow me to comfort him in other ways!!

Mamaonion would be really interested in any links or reading on mother-led weaning in other mammals.

I don't think weaning before they are 100 per cent ready would cause long term problems as in all likelihood the rest of your parenting (since you're worrying about this) is very loving and sensitive to the child's needs. It's the overall care that the affects the chiild imo not a few days or nights. (Easy to say now ds isn't weeping! )

Also, like Mamaonion, I find I get increasingly annoyed by feeds at certain times. Partly I need to grow up and not expect him to understand my feelings, but in the longer term I think that that if I can reduce those feeds as gently as possible it helps me be more.patient and engaged for the rest of the time.

So mammainlove try not to worry you are obviously a caring loving mum, that's what he'll remember.

Blosson - Well I'm maybe theorising beyond my qualification level but here are some links regarding the theory that springs to mind from my psychology degree:
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parent–offspring_conflict
And this is interesting reading
www-personal.umich.edu/~phyl/anthro/conflict.html

So although this is pretty reductionist and not saying I'd use it as a basis for parenting style (!) when I hear people saying full term Breastfeeding is naturally initiated by the toddler / child I often remember reading these studies of other mammals and thinking about the mothers own interests and control of the situation. So without any judgement of say the natural time to wean would be when the mother and/or the infant have had enough... And personally I think I've got to that point now! But like I say these are just my thoughts and don't want to offend anyone! Each to there own ...

As for me OP I've just been sobbing as I put ds down! It's the first time he's really cried for bm. For 3 days now he's only had bm once in the middle of the night. No morning or daytime or bedtime feeds. As his dad wasn't home I think he got upset because its his usual routine to be with me and have milk. He's been a bit crotchety and having lots of none feeding cuddles but this is the first time he's been upset. I felt so bad saying no but it does feel like a right time to do this. Gosh it's just do emotional. I told him its all gone :( which it nearly has I think! I don't know what to do re night feeds now. Thinking Id just carry on a week or so to avoid tantrums in the night? Any wise weaners got experience of this?

Also why am I feeling guilty when actually I should feel so proud yo feed for 2 years!???

Thanks mamaonion, will read those properly when not tired, but really interesting that mother baboons also struggle to wean their young. It defintely makes me feel less like I'm being selfish and/or pressured by society into weaning him around now rather than letting him decide the timings entirely on his own.

You definitely should feel proud of 2 years bf; I think the guilt comes because it seems a horrid way to end what has hopefully been a mostly lovely part of your relationship. Plus the whole end of a stage thing.

Is your partner back yet? Mine is the most help to me in these situations, as he is able to look at things a bit more objectively than me, but still knows how much the feeding has meant to me and DS. Have a or and hope you get a good night's sleep.

DS settled well last night and tonight without bf, plus settled at first waking yesterday so just one feed last night. ALready I'm starting to think 'maybe I can do this for a bit longer'

How are you doing OP?