Failed at breastfeeding yet again [sad]- please can someone help me understand why?

[BridgetandtheHairyBrigands]

Sorry in advance if this is an epic post - struggling to type through the tears and just need to "get it all out".

Bit of background - DD was born in 2006 just before Christmas. Midwife on the postnatal ward watched one feed (day one) and said the latch was good, even though I said it really, really, hurt. Left hospital on day 3 with cracked and bleeding nipples. By day 6 (Christmas Eve) I had raging mastitis in both breasts and just couldn't bear to put DD anywhere near my chest let alone feed. Given the time of year, even less support than usual was available, I was given hardcore antibiotics and various painkillers and told to "pack my boobs away and forget about it."

Once I felt better, I felt so sad I wasn't breastfeeding DD (guilt, shame, the whole works) and made lots of promises to myself that - come hell or high water - I would breastfeed if I ever had another child.

Fast forward to October 2013 and, after years of thinking I'd never have another child and 2 early miscarriages, I give birth to DS. Absolutely determined not to make the same mistakes, I make sure I get breastfeeding help in hospital and at home (having already attended classes and read books during my pregnancy).

However, within days, my nipples are in bits again and I suffer terrible engorgement. DS is diagnosed with tongue-tie, which we manage to get snipped by day 7 and the infant feeding team (and I) are optimistic things will improve from now on.

Unfortunately, even after the tt division and help from numerous community midwives, health visitors, visits to the local baby cafe, and 2 sessions back in hospital, the latch remains poor and my nipples just get worse and worse. After nearly 3 weeks of agonisingly painful feeding (and my 6 year old DD begging me to stop crying) I give up and move over to formula.

DS is nearly 6 weeks now and I feel like such a failure. With DD, I could forgive myself as I came to realise I was an inexperienced new mum who wasn't given any support. This time, I just don't understand what happened. I had the very best of intentions and lots of help - why on earth couldn't I achieve anything even nearing a pain free latch? It feels like the failure is all mine.

Sorry once again for the essay. Would be so, so grateful for any insights...

Sorry, I can't give insights, just empathy. I had a very similar experience (though different in some ways). With DS1 I continued for 6 weeks in spite of constantly screaming baby steadily losing weight, wrecked and bleeding nipples, raging mastitis on two occasions. Second time around I suspect that actually feeding was going ok and my problems were only run of the mill stuff (constant, painful feeding but baby putting on weight) - except for the fact that my nipples were so scarred from the first time that the wounds just sprang open when I started feeding. But I was still so traumatised after feeding DS1 and petrified that I would have the same experience again, that I stopped five days in. I felt very let down by the support services, as I'm sure if I'd been advised to stop earlier with DS1, I would have tried for longer with DS2, as I wouldn't have been so physically and emotionally scarred. (When I stopped feeding DS1, the HV said 'thank god you've decided to stop, but of course I couldn't tell you that earlier because of my targets' ). But I feel fine about it now, because I have two wonderful, healthy boys. I know it's incredibly hard, but you have to let go of your guilt and anger, for your own sanity. Formula feeding is FINE, your children will be FINE - you did everything you could, it just didn't work for you. Please be kind to yourself.

Oh lovely you poor thing. I'd guess the tt reattached or was only partially cut, or ds has a lip tie to match. Please dont feel guilty about it. Postnatal knowledge of ties is beyond hopeless. Am so sorry its left you feeling like this. Be kind to yourself x

I can't help you understand why but I can say that your baby is being fed, and both your dc's will be happier with a mum who's not crying with pain. for you, don't feel bad as you have nothing to feel bad about

Hi, didn't want to read and run. big hugs.
My thoughts are some women just can't. .. that's why they invented formula.

ah bless you.

How on earth can you be a failure. People who feed till the baby is 6 mths/12 mths/whatever are people FOR WHOM IT IS STRAIGHTFORWARD (thanks to whatever fluke of nature).

I fed my eldest till she was 8 mths and my second till he was 13 mths. It was a piece of cake, it all just happened; bar the usual ouchy initial 20 secs of each feed, no problems at all. Don't know why and certainly nothing to do with me being better or braver or more of an earth mother than anyone else.

Indeed when I got eventually did get cracked nipples when my son was 13 mths it was total agony and I stopped feeding pronto! I was just lucky I didn't get that problem till he was that age.

I don't think babies care how they are fed. They like cuddles and smiles and warmth and laughs and being taken care of by someone who loves them. You can give them that without breastfeeding!

Good luck x

After dd2 I again gave up at 4 months, I had come through mastitis, cracked and bleeding nipples ( so much so my milk was pink)
Then she began to cluster feed and I was on the sofa all day. I also had dd1 to look after and I didn't seem to be producing much milk. Even the hv said she was still hungry after being on for 40 mins. I gave up.

I got through it and even now, 2 years on I'm still very sad but my dd2 was fine on formula and is happy and actually that's all that matters.
When life throws you lemons... Whatever the saying is

Formula wouldn't exist if breast feeding was so wonderful and easy!

You have it your best shot, so you have nothing to explain and no reason to feel guilty. I think some babies and mums just aren't able to breastfeed for whatever reason.

The most important thing is that your baby is contented and being well fed and that you aren't crying in pain.

Thank you so much for everyone's kind words and I'm sorry your experiences weren't good either Lapin. Your phrase "emotionally scarred" has chimed a chord with me.

I just don't know what wrong with me - my DD is wonderfully healthy and an absolute delight, so I should rationally know that DS will be fine but I just can't stop crying and feeling like I've let him down.

Bridget :( :(

Please forget the word 'failure' and any idea that you are to blame in any way :(

It's normal to be sad and disappointed - for you, breastfeeding this baby was part of the way you wanted to be a mother with this little DS. So of course it's important to you....but it is not the be-all-and-end-all of your relationship with him by any means.

In fact, the relationship side of feeding can be just as close, just as bonding, just as 'connected', with bottles, and babies and mothers can enjoy ff just as much as bf. You already know this - you may already be doing the things that make it so (skin to skin when you can; responsive feeding not clock feeding; not passing the baby round to a whole gang of others to feed; 'paced' feeding where you hold the baby slightly differently and watch for the baby's needs is a good video about this).

In terms of what's gone on, maybe your baby has a difficult tie, one that has regrown...it has to be something to do with what happens when the breast is in the mouth, to explain the damage to your nipples, which sounds really bad.

If you want to try again, you have options - nipple shields, for instance...but do talk things over before you decide what to do.

FWIW, I felt much closer to my babies (dd 7 and ds 10 months) once I'd switched to formula (at 6 weeks and 2 weeks respectively). I could actually enjoy the snuggly time with them cwtched up with a bottle rather than wincing in pain and screwing my toes up.
Be kind to yourself

Thank you tiktok for your suggestions - I will watch the link later. I have been scared to do anything like skin-to-skin or bathing together as DS seems to have very strong breast-feeding instincts and dives towards my boobs whenever he is near my bare skin. Having to move him away - and then he gets angry - breaks my heart.

I have thought about trying to relactate but DP is dead set against the idea and I know it wouldn't be successful without his support.

Also, I am getting lots of pins and needles sensations in my breasts even after not feeding for nearly 3 weeks. Does anyone know if this is normal?

I think it helps to work out how many feeds you did. In three weeks you're probably looking at two to three hundred feeds.

Seriously, in what other field of life would anybody attempt something more than two hundred times, in toe-curling agony, when a perfectly affordable and nutritionally complete alternative existed?!

Big congratulations on your new, no doubt beautiful and perfectly healthy, baby, and MASSIVE pat on the back for the hundreds of feeds you managed. Every breastfeed counts and there aren't enough fingers and toes on the thread to count what you did. and

A mummy-friend of mine bf one of her DC and ff the other. Now that they were well past that stage, she has to think very hard to remember which was which.

Bridget, no need to miss out on snuggly co-baths! You could wear a bathing costume or bikini top, and then when he dives towards you, you can place a finger in his mouth to suck on, or indeed give him a bottle of formula in the bath :)

Sounds like you've been through hell.i would say that the first 6 weeks can be most painful so three weeks in not long enough to settle into feeding. I know that's totally unhelpful now.

BUT there's no need to feel guilty. Ds will be just fine. As long as you're comfortable ff and not peeved at the inconvenience. I know lots of ebf and ff babies who grow up to be happy toddlers and there's just no bloody difference.

You already know from your dd not to get too precious about food. Don't worry, move on to something else to worry about. As long as your ds is gaining and is healthy its all good.

Plus there are advantages to ff as much as bf. You know this, you've been there with dd. trust yourself and stop saying you failed.

How on earth can the failure be all yours? You did everything in your power to bfeed. You read the books, got the support, asked the experts, got the tongue tie identified and snipped.
You know how much you wanted to bfeed, and you know that if there was anything else you could have done, you would have done it. No one, in your situation of agonising feeds, distraught 6 year old and no solution in sight would blame you for not going through that torture any longer. A happy, relaxed mum is important for both your baby, and your 6 year old, and also important for your 6 year old's relationship with the baby.

If you want to blame someone, blame the experts for being unable to find a solution to your issues. That's their job. You did your job, through blood, sweat and tears. Well done for coping for so long.

Same here. DS1 is now 3.5 years and I managed 3 weeks of breastfeeding in agony. I was soooo looking forward to breastfeeding this time round. New DS is now 10 days old and history basically repeated itself, except this time I had to stop after one week as couldn't cope with DS1 when I was in constant pain with cracked and scabby nipples. Completely DEVASTATED. Ended up with PND first time round but feeling a bit stronger today, maybe because I know DS1 is fine. Cant help beating myself up that I shouldve been more patient with them to get a better latch or something though :((( Heartbroken at the moment, but it helps to know we are not alone, and we WILL get through it as have done so before.

It sounds like you put a massive effort into making it work - not to mention being in pain for all those weeks. It's hard for anyone to see how you let him down.
The tongue tie might not have been completely divided successfully.
It might have reattached.
His tongue function may have been compromised for other reasons.
He may have had a very high-arched palate/ bubble palate that often accompanies a tongue tie and can make pain-free latching very difficult to achieve.

It sounds like you worked really hard and explored lots of options. Please don't feel you should have been superhuman and able to sort out a situation that a range of professionals/ specialists clearly couldn't.

I'm no breastfeeding expert and others have given much better advice than I could but I just wanted to say that I completely understand, I managed to feed DS for four weeks and stopped because it was agony, he wasn't putting on enough weight and he was waking every twenty minutes for a feed and I was just exhausted. With DD I managed six days before she was taken into hospital for losing too much weight and suffering from dehydration despite being told by three midwives that the latch was great.

I really beat myself up about it, if I was at baby groups where others were breastfeeding I felt add though I had to explain why I was formula feeding, but I realise now that nobody cared how I was feeding!

They are now 7 and 4

SORRY posted too soon. They are now 7 and 4 and it doesn't seem at all relevant how I fed them.

Congratulations on your new DS, enjoy him.