I just feel so clueless and down about everything. Help.

[TwoEightTwoEightTwoOh]

This post is about DD2 who I am really struggling with.

DD1 was EBF and after a bit of a struggle establishing things, it all went really smoothly. I'm very very anxious and spent my mat leave hiding away, unable to face even changing a nappy in public. I swore it wouldn't be like that with DD2, I was going to get out and meet people and do all the groups and thoroughly enjoy my mat leave instead of wishing it away so I could go back to work.

Well it all went horribly wrong with DD2, she got this huge virus just after birth and ended up in hospital for 2 months with meningitis and heart, liver, lung and blood problems. Whilst in hospital she was diagnosed with reflux and she also had chylothorax so my epic amounts of ebm dwindled to nothing as she had to go onto special formula. Once she was cleared I tried so hard to get it back but failed. My HV also thought she might be lactose intolerant so she went onto Neocate.

So now she is 4 months old and I feel I don't know what I am doing at all. I have been bottle feeding her for 8 weeks now and I'm sure I must be doing something badly wrong. I feel I don't know when she's hungry, I just feed her as a default if she cries. I throw half of most bottles away. She fusses and cries through every feed, sometimes it's like I'm force feeding her. She's often sick. I have to stop after every few gulps to burp her because she gets such bad wind and seems like she's in pain. Feeding seems to really tire her out and then I'm forcing her to keep taking it. It's like she's hungry but doesn't want the bottle. I have to swap from bottle to burping to dummy back to bottle, and getting just 60ml down her can take me an hour. Then less than 2 hours later I'm doing it again. When she's having her dummy she will seem settled but then suddenly yowl in pain.

I feel like such a terrible mother - I don't know what my child wants and I don't know how to feed her. Even 14 year old first time mothers can feed their children without these problems. I'm in my 30s and a professional, and I cry constantly about how badly I'm doing.

My health visitor and her assistant are in touch with me regularly. I'm not sure what they think. I suspect they think I'm doing something major wrong but don't like to say. My HV said I should let her get really hungry and demand food, which is fine but I don't know the sign for demanding food! If she seems inconsolable then I feed her because I think that's 'demanding food' but then she will only take 30ml or something. God I'm so hopeless.

My HV has asked me to keep a diary over a couple of days so they can review her feeding patterns. They seem to think I should wean her early (as in NOW) because she's just that sort of baby... But I want to do things by the book and I don't think it's fair to punish my baby just because I can't seem to feed her properly.

I don't know how much of her behaviour is physiological and how much is psychological. Developmentally she's pretty behind so I'm constantly trying to work out where she should be at for her age and her adjusted age. Then we don't know the affects of the meningitis on her brain either. I can't relax about anything and she probably picks up on that. I barely leave the house because I worry about being judged by others if we are at a group and she's fussing on the bottle and throwing up. My MIL and SIL are coming to meet her at the weekend and I'm dreading it, I feel they're going to judge me as a bad mother because the feeding is so all over the place.

I've got few friends locally and no mum friends at all. I'm just so isolated and feel so sad about how things are going. I feel I'm slowly going mad and getting more and more neurotic with my own thoughts. I'm starting to think that she hates me because I'm the person inflicting the pain and trauma on her with the feeds. What if she never bonds with me?

Getting through every day is a battle and I just dread waking up on a morning. I long for Fridays when DH finishes work and then dread Mondays where I spend yet another week alone in the house with the baby. I feel such guilt that I feel like that, and I feel selfish grief that things aren't how I planned. I fill each day with organising the house, decluttering and sleeping but I have no social interaction except with health professionals and on Facebook. If you read my Facebook you'd never believe it was the same person, and I only share my true feelings with DH and, to some extent, my HV who I get on well with.

If you got this far then thank you. I'm not looking for a magic solution, I don't think there is one, but I feel better for getting it off my chest.

I read to the end but I'm afraid I don't have anything helpful to say apart from I feel for you. You may not think if but I'm sure you're doing an amazing job through what seems like a tough start. Your baby loves you, you're her mummy who carried her and loves and looks after her so please don't ever think otherwise. I hope you can get some help and support from the hv and others. I'm sure things will get better just make sure you keep asking for help and don't stop asking until you get the answers or help that you're happy with.

Sending lots of love xxx

I really sympathise with you. I think the best thing you can do to begin with is to try and get out to a local breastfeeding support group - you'll be surprised how many of them would welcome mothers who have finished breastfeeding, and as they're used to mothers who mix feed they should have some advice about formula feeding too.

If you can't find a suitable local breastfeeding group then please please please try and find any kind of local mum and baby support group - it makes such a difference being able to talk to other mums about these kind of problems, and to know that not everyone is able to feed their baby easily and instinctively! (I think I cried more than my baby in the early weeks whilst trying to establish breast feeding, and we're still struggling...)

Good luck and do come back and keep us posted x

Oh TwoEight I'm so sorry. You are not a terrible mother at all, it just sounds like you and your' DD have had a really tough time. I am sure she doesn't hate you, you are her world.

I think there are two things going on here. One is (obviously) your DD's feeding. It sounds like a battle which must be horrible for you. I wonder if because she had such major health problems when she was tiny, her feeding problems have been somehow overshadowed by the Meningitis in the eyes of the HCP? Is she still under the care of a Paed? Can you get referred back to someone who specialises in infant feeding?

I think I would be tempted to see a lactation consultant to get advice too (if funds permit.) The one I saw said they can advise on bottle feeding. I also wonder whether it might be worth having skin to skin and putting your DD to the breast a bit. I know your milk has gone, but it sounds like she could be sucking for comfort rather than food some of the time so maybe she could do a little bit of that at the breast? Maybe in the bath together to start (Although maybe this is a bit too hippy for you!)

Second thing is you. You sound, understandably, so ground down and sad. I think you need support! Can you go and speak to your GP and tell them how you are feeling? What does your DH say?

Ff isn't failure. This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. The strain is must be putting on you. I hope you can find ways to unload that will enable you to keep your sanity and continue nuturing your dd like it sounds like you're doing. I've gotten support from Samaritans from time to time. Just a thought.
As for her, little and often won't do any harm.
Hugs

Didn't want to read and run wanted to send hugs to you OP.

You sound like a great mum and I hope this tough time passes for you soon.

Please don't feel guilty for ff, the ff babies I know are just as cuddly and bonded with their mums as the ebf ones.

I also know ff babies who snack all day and never finish a bottle. Having said that there is a table in the Baby Whisperer book I found really useful when my LO was born. It describes and distinguishes between cries eg hungry cry, tired cry, overstimulated etc. It helped me move on from being sat there with baby attached to boob 24-7 because I thought he must still be hungry!

Have you asked your HV about any groups at local children's centres to help you meet people? There will be lots of mums who feel overwhelmed and you will probably find the baby is better 'behaved' outside the home than in, they often are!

Also re the anxiety, have you done the NHS IAPT CBT course for GAD? In our area if you do a self referral and have a baby under 1 they will prioritise you and you can be seen right away. Some therapists are also happy for you to bring your baby to the appointment.

X

Hi TwoEight. That sounds so difficult, and well done you for managing to get through all of this with your sanity intact, and for caring for your children with such dedication.

I just wanted to say that I totally sympathise, as I've been in a slightly similar situation myself. My DS was born very prematurely and spent two months in hospital. It was tough being in hospital, and it's been even tougher being back home. I suspect I'm suffering from some kind of post-natal anxiety, which makes it hard for me to take him out of the house (he feels so fragile) and also to be alone with him (as I'm scared something bad will happen, or I'll go mad, or whatever - all totally irrational, of course). Over time, I've found that a lot of my anxiety has kind of crystalised around feeding. He often chokes on his food quite badly, and so I initially found it terrifying feeding him. It's got better over time, and he's now a pretty efficient feeder, but he still does have a lot of digestive discomfort and some choking. I've given up on breastfeeding because of the choking and I give him EBM by bottle. Anyway, all this to say that we also initially found it totally impossible to tell when he was hungry, and just fed him on demand as soon as he cried or vaguely seemed to be searching. Eventually, the paed advised us that his weight gain was too high and the reflux might be due to the quantities we were giving him being too large. We think he comfort-feeds too much when he feels uncomfortable or anxious. We moved onto a (more or less) three-hourly feeding schedule, and this has worked much better for us. He seems more comfortable after feeds, has less reflux, and now when he cries or fusses, I have a better idea whether or not it's due to hunger and can react accordingly. Pram rides to the park help when I can't work out why he's upset, and it gets me out of the house. It definitely hasn't solved all my problems, and I still find it terrifying when he cries and I'm alone, but it has helped in practical terms. This might or might not be something you could try, depending on how her weight gain has been going, but I though I'd share my experience.

Anyway, hang in there. It's very tough. I still find it very tough every day, and when your baby has been sick and in hospital, I think things take longer to renormalise. I've had great support from medical staff for the last few months and, while there's no magic bullet, it definitely has helped me with the anxiety. We're not bad mums, just good-but-overwhelmed mums who have gone through and are still going through a very difficult situation. All the medical professionals tell me it'll get better in time, and I believe them.

Let us know how you and your DD are doing, and have some un-mn hugs from me in the meantime!

TwoEight, I'm really sorry you're finding things so difficult, you have had a really hard time :(
You mention your DD has reflux, what medication is she in?
The behaviour you describe sounds to me like reflux which is not being controlled well, is it possible?

(I'm also having problems feeding my DD at the minute so no expert myself...but my DS had bad acid reflux and was just like your daughter. DD has it too and is not a great feeder. )

You care; therefore you are a fantastic mummy.

I was rubbish at feeding too - couldn't breasfeed ds, was ill from infective mastitis and a breast abscess, he then was very ill with serious asthma following bronchiolitis at four months. I thought I was a dreadful mother and terribly embarrassed I couldn't do it as well as all the other confident mummies.

That sickly baby is now nearly 19 and 6'22. He doesn't remember those early months - he remembers all the big firsts like first day at school, first nativity play, favourite dinners, needing mum for a grazed knee and broken leg and when his first girlfriend dumped him.

Why not try just making up an ounce or two at a time so it feels more like success when it all goes down than failure when half of it is left? You are doing the hard yards and have a toddler too. It will get easier. And when your babies are bigger and older and start school all those confident mummies you know now will admit how crap they felt when their babies were a few months old and you will realise that a lot of them pretended a bit that all was well - under the mask of make-up and a slightly too bright smile.

You are doing fine and it will all be fine. Take one day at a time and just take time for cuddles and love. Your baby will be as she will be and you will not be able to change that but with love and care she will be safe and secure and achieve her potential.

Clearly you are grieving for what you hoped to have at this time and it hasn't worked out and I think you need to be honest about how vulnerable you feel and seek support for that either from the HV and I'm glad you have a supportive one or from your GP and get teh help you need.