Starting to wish I hadn't bf - sorry long

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Ds2 will be 6 months on Saturday & is ebf. After having failed to ebf ds1 (combined fed ds1 for 6 months) & still feeling guilty over it I desperately wanted things to be different this time. Now nearly 6 months in I feel like it's been a mistake & we'd have been better off combined or ff.

Ds2 fed like a dream & was a text book baby for 2 weeks, then he started fussing during feeds, crying, pulling away, not settling & then between 5 - 6pm would start screaming & crying non stop until 10pm when he'd finally collapse exhausted. I spent until he was 8 weeks literally feeding him all day & all evening. Finally after trip after trip to the doctors they treated him for reflux. At 14 weeks he had a tt treated & had a 4 week course of cranial osteopathy.

His sleep finally started to improve & was more settled. Queue first 2 teeth & cold & his sleep regressing when it was only just bloody improving.

He settled back down at night but daytime sleep is still very hit & miss. The only place he sleeps well in the day is on my lap straight after a feed, so nothing gets done.

Sleep never went back to how it was before his first cold / teething episode but was reasonable.

Enter cold number 2 courtesy of a friend who conveniently passed off her sons blatant cold as teething when she palmed him off onto me to look after 2.5 weeks ago coupled with more teeth & we're back to feeding & sleeping like a newborn.

The first week with his stinking cold he couldn't breathe lying in his cot & just wanted to be cuddled & fed all night & day. Fine,he's poorly needs comfort & plenty of milk, I get that & happy to go with it.

2.5 weeks on the cold is gone. Still teething, we've tried the usual this to help & even gave calpol at night to see if that helped. Not one little bit. The longest he sleeps in his cot,at the side of our bed is 2.5 hours if we're lucky. Then it's a constant hourly theme of me or dh picking him up, cuddling him, him instantly becoming calm & settled on us & putting him back down for him to wake up 5 minutes later.

The only thing to make a difference to this is if he's propped on dh's or my chest or in bed with us (but then he wants to help himself on & off all night & I end up with a seriously cold boob & backache, not to mention sore nipples).

In the last 6 months I have had 1 night out, which was for all of 2 hours & I bitterly regretted it as in the time I was out he c woke 3 times & then wanted to be fed all night. Dh said it was like he knew I wasn't home. I've managed to get my haircut once, again he wouldn't settle in anyway shape or form while I wasn't there despite having been fed up until the moment I left.

I feel like all I've done for the last 6 months is feed him, worry about feeding him, sort out feeding problems so I can feed him & generally have him attached to me for most of the day & night. I feel like I have missed out on so much precious time ds1 because of it too & that our relationship had suffered as a result.

People have said it gets easier but when? I'm so tired & fed up I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if he's just clingy, got into a bad habit or if there's more to it. Bottles aren't even an option as he won't take one.

I really wanted to ebf & enjoy it, but I just feel like it's been one long battle that is just not getting any better.

And now I feel like a shit mum for feeling like this.

Pissed off as wrote an amazing long post and it didn't post!!

You are not a shit mum at all.

Will post in short posts as not to lose it again!

Firstly, what do you want to do? What are the solutions you'd consider? Is stopping bf making you feel guilty because of first DC? Do you think stopping will help?

I ask all these to get you to focus on what the solutions are rather than the problems.

Personally, I think him feeding is circumstantial, ie teething, cold, wants mum.

Teething is a bitch for some babies. Mine was/is a night made when she's teething. Calpol and ibruprofen are your new best friend.

You are sleep deprived and are normal to feel angry and pissed off. Bf zaps you both physically and mentally some times. I recall occasions of feeling like everyone wanted a piece of me (baby, DP) and I just wanted my body back. I quickly learnt I just wanted some "me" time. Not to go out on the lash but a coffee in a supermarket on my own for an hour, or a bath with the door locked etc. You need time on your own. Make this happen, even if just once a week.

Baby is still only 6 months, nights out can come later. Get through this rough patch first.

I can't imagine how tired you must be. Sounds like you are trying to get him in his cot. I, despite the cold boobage, would try co-sleeping, if you make that your aim then it might be a bit more relaxing.
Rather than feeling you must stay awake to get him back into his cot.
Sore nipples sound like a problem, I could feed all night and all day by six months without my nipples getting sore.
Might be worth talking to the breast feeding network in regards to that.
Have ypu thpught about a

Yy, you need me time.

Feeding is something we beat ourselves up about whatever happens. I'm sitting here ff my 9 week old as bf didn't work out after 5 weeks due to posterior Tongue tie & after 2 weeks of expressing decided couldn't go down that road again. Much much heartache as I really wanted to EBF this time etc.

You have 'got what you wanted' but it actually doesn't mean that it's easy. Bottle feeding hasn't been easy either-my dd feeds just as much-theres all the washing, sterilising & carrying around all the crap. She's windier so that takes longer & had to buy dr browns bottles-what a Farr they are but help just a bit. Formula is really expensive-£10+ a week. And, my dd had a cold-same crying etc but I can't put her on the boob to soothe her :(

So, there's the alternative. The other man's grass ain't always greener ;). Try to get some time for yourself-at least it's weaning time so it will get easier with solids.

If I were you, I'd spend the money you would have spent on formula on something luxurious for you or dc1 for day out (£260ish). Don't feel guilty, there's no point, you've done amazing to get this far EBF, be gentle with yourself x

Have you thought about trying a sling or a baby swing for during the day? Those two items saved my sanity when my ds was young.

Fadbook - that is bloody annoying when that happens! And thank you. In answer to your questions I don't know / think stopping bf would help & tbh I don't think it's an option to as he won't entertain anything other than boob! We've tried bottles & dummies but he just doesn't suck them. He will suck a finger though or the side c if my face when he's hungry & boob isn't out fast enough In the cold light of day I don't want to stop bf as it's what's best for him & that's why I still feel guilty about ds1. It's something I really wanted to do for both of them - it's just been so ridiculously hard with both n of them!'Nights out' aren't really an issue, it's more that on the 1 occasion I met some friends on my own (he was 5 months) I came home to a nightmare of all night feeding & clinginess which just made me feel like it wasn't worth the hassle. I was hoping that once he was over his cold he'd settle back down but so far he hasn't. I don't know if it's the teething or if after a week of non stop cuddles & free for all feeding to help him sleep he now can't sleep without it.

Maggie - before the whole hideous cold he'd slept really well at night in his cot & would go 6 - 7 hours before needing a feed so we know he can do it. He'd usually end up in bed with us at about 6am anyway so I could maximise sleep & rest before ds1 woke up so we're not averse to cosleeping. My fear is that it will become the only way he'll sleep. My best friend is having a major issue with her 4 year old who won't sleep anywhere but in their bed - won't even go to bed in his own bed, it has to be mum & dads with her cuddling him. If she gets out of bed he wakes up. I'm scared of setting ourselves up for this later on. Dh loves cosleeping & to him it's the norm (different cultural background) but it's not his boob ds wants to hang off literally all night! The sore nipples have been down to him (& me) being a bit lazy about latch when he's been sleepy or when he's bitten me in the night. We used a sling when he wad tiny Fir daytime naps ad with reflux it really helped, starting to think in the whole spirit of sleep begets sleep we may need to use it again.

evelynj - Sorry things didn't work out for you. I don't miss the ff from the money,washing, sterilising etc point of view one little bit. I do miss dh being able to help with feeding though.

We're even starting to wonder if the reflux is making a reappearance, if he's got used to being cuddled & feeding for comfort all night or if it is just teething. I'm just shattered by it now.