trouble reducing breast feeds during the day

[jollyfolly]

i have an ridiculously demanding 13 month old ds who throws the most almighty tantrum when refused a bf.... currently he is getting about five (!!!) a day still. he eats well so is not hungry and although he will sip at alternatives he is never very much bothered if i am about.... if however it is only his dad at home (who he only see's weekends) he will drain a bottle of cows milk! his dad thinks i should stop bf altogether now but i am reluctant to do this (was hoping to feed up til 2 years) but i am beginning to resent ds for his constant demands and i am also getting quite run down. any ideas???

bump... anyone???

You've done brilliantly bfing for 13 months - feeling run down may be more to do with caring for a toddler, esp if you're doing it alone during the week, which I think may be the case from your post.

I stopped feeding my dd at 18 months as I'd had enough by then. When she used to ask, I would just distract her or make a joke of it by saying no but that she could have a tickle instead, so at least there was a bit of humour injected into the situation. FWIW 5 times a day doesn't seem over the top to me but then dd was pretty demanding too!

My 14mth old has suddenly become very demanding too. I don't think that 5 feeds a day is too bad, I'd say that's about normal for us. If he has very recently had a feed I try to distract him, but tbh the majority of the time I just find it easier to let him feed. It can be really draining but I don't think it will last forever so I am riding it out! If you are happy to continue then don't feel pressured to stop. It is a great parenting tool to have at your disposal!

How many drinks of tea, coffee, water, juice or whatever do you have a day? I bet it's at least 5 especially when it's hot :)

It's not ridiculously demanding to want a drink 5 times a day.

But if you want him to have fewer breastfeeds, the first step would be to encourage him to have drinks from other sources.

"i am beginning to resent ds for his constant demands "

I think this is the problem, not the amount of breastfeeds. You sound like you are tired and fed up. I agree with other posters that 5 x per day is not much at this age, but I think you really need to look at getting more rest / time for yourself / a break, whatever would help you recharge. It sounds like your partner is not arounf much, have you any other help / family / friends nearby?

The best thing I found is to have a bottle of formula/or cows milk made up and ready. I still b/f my dd 15mths first thing in the morning and last at night but I work mon - weds so know she can manage without me. When she starts to pester me in the day I make a big fuss about going to the fridge to get her "special" milk and let her set the timer whilst it warms up. she knows when the beeper goes off its time and she seems happy with that. This sounds mad but the more exciting I pretend to make it for her the better she is at having it.
The only thing I have noticed is that if she is under the weather she will ask for more bf than normal, but I think this is a comfort thing.
Hope this helps and dont feel guilty about resenting your ds. I know there are plenty of times I have felt the same.
Good luck

thanks for your replies, probably you are right that really i am tired because i do most of his care on my own, i am separated from his dad but he does come to stay every w/e and loves his son to bits and tries hard to be supportive.... however i dont get much of a break then because that's when i go to work and to be honest it creats more work because any ounce of a routine then goes out the window.... i dont have any family locally so dont get a huge amount of other help. I think i feel 5 times a day is a lot because so many people raise their eye brows and make me feel awkward for still feeding at 13 months.... even sometimes his nan's who often comment that he should be having more 'water' when it is hot. now that i know everyone else is feeding that many times a day i dont feel so abnormal!!!

Oh jolly, it sounds like a lot to be dealing with, no wonder you are feeling that it is getting too much for you. I think an important thing to remember is that breastfeeding can be comforting and relaxing for both of you - if you can ignore people's stupid comments. It can help you be a more chilled out parent, and reconnect you with your baby after a tantrum or at the end of a long day. I think you need to see if you can make life more easy for yourself, but I think breastfeeding can be a positive thing for you, so I wouldn't plan to cut back on it.

If you don't know other breastfeeding mothers you can feel out on a limb - find out if there are La Leche League meetings in your area as there will be lots of mothers feeding older children there and you can get wonderful support and advice on coping with tiredness and resentment etc. I feel like I have been where you are several times since ds was born. Times where it just feels too much and that something has to change. Sometimes just the fact of ds getting older and entering a new stage has helped, sometimes talking to an experienced mother who has been through it, sometimes admitting I am not coping and asking someone for help. Everything seems so much better if you can just get a decent stretch of sleep, so make that a priority.

Please let us know how you get on :)

thanks F and Z. will try to find out about the la leche league groups. In my heart i know to continue feeding is the right thing to do especially as ds gets so much comfort out of it (so far it has been the best pain medicine we have found!). I am not sure why so many people seem to have a problem with bf a toodler but really i think that is why it was getting me down, i was trying hard to cut down daily feeds because people were surprsed that i was still feeding so often and i thought i was doing something wrong. feel guilty now that i have been refusing ds feeds when he wanted which have lead to him having monster tantrums!!!! Will not ignore one single tug of the t shirt at all tomorrow!! :)

have just found the number for the local la leche support group.... will call tomorrow!

Jollyfolly, glad you are feeling a bit better about things already. Franny is talking a lot of sense here. I agree with you that it is really hard bf at this age as everyone is surprised that you are 'still' doing it, and if you are then why is it more than just morning and evening... Yet ironically I think this is the stage where bf seems to get more intense and your lo is pulling up your top every time you sit down! But on the other hand it has so many benefits - as you say, a great pain reliever and comforter, a real cure-all-ills.

How is your ds if you go out for the day? If we stay in ds wants feeding loads, but if we go out and is occupied with other things, he's not quite so demanding.

Do keep posting, it really helps to have a good old moan with people who understand that you want to carry on even though it's tough sometimes

Don't beat yourself up - it's almost impossible not to let other people's comments get under your skin, especially if you are the sensitive type. I find things like LLL meetings, reading pro-breastfeeding books and talking with other breastfeeding mothers on here, helps me to over write the critical voices with positive ones :)

Personally I fed on demand until ds was about 2 and this (mostly) worked for us. He certainly fed a lot more than 5 times a day most of the time

You mention pain relief - it really brought it home to me what a strong effect breastfeeding has on me when I had a spate of chronic mouth ulcers. They were so painful, I couldn't eat and nothing relieved the discomfort. However halfway through breastfeeding ds I realised the pain had gone - it was extraordinary. I had known we get 'feelgood' chemicals released into our bloodstreams when we breastfeed, but had no idea it was such a powerful thing.

That's interesting Franny; quite often I have a tension headache by the end of the day which melts away as I feed ds to sleep in the evening after his bath...

I truly think breastfeeding is a very under rated thing. I think it is designed to help us be nicer parents. I am a crappy, impatient and grumpy mummy anyway - without breastfeeding I would be ruddy awful

How's it going today jollyfolly? Did you call la leche?

Tatties, ds is definately craving a feed every hour or so if we stay in all day but yep if we go out i will maybe feed before the car journey home but otherwise he is not really bothered and will have sips of water... do you all feed in public still, i dont think i have now for about three months, but more than anything because i cant do it discretly anymore... ds is a bit of a shirt lifter now!!
I have contacted la leche, thanks again F and Z, and will be going to their next get together, it is still quite a new group and quite small (south wales) but am quite looking forward to it.... if nothing else it gets me out and about meeting people and chatting to adults!
Have not resented one single feed today and have had a lovely day because ds has been a lot less grumpy.... if he is happy i am happy!
Oh and have just got my tax credit allowance through.... am gutted that it has taken me a year to fill in and sort out because i can claim a heap more money than i ever thought which is a massive help.... can pay a few bills now!!!
So all in all, am still knackered, still a single mum, still broke and still b/f at least 5 times a day.... but i dont feel like a freak any more and have been far less cross with ds and him me than normal.... am feeling far more positive than a few days ago Thanks guys, really appreciate your support!

That is so good to hear, jolly

Yes I still breastfeed in public on occasion (and ds is 3 now )

I found the hardest period for me, as regards feeling uncomfortable about it, was between the age of 1 year and 18 months. Ds was large, looked older, was wriggly, and almost all the women I knew who were still breastfeeding, stopped abruptly when their children reached 1 year old.

I felt quite at sea and it took a while to get my confidence back about feeding in public. I remember going to an LLL meeting and hearing another mother saying she had fed her toddler (2 year old) on the bus on the way there. I thought "How the HELL does she have the nerve to do THAT?"

I think once your child gets past a certain age, then it becomes beyond the pale in most people's eyes, and I decided to stop caring, more or less I run toddler activity classes and can vividly remember the first time I had to breastfeed ds in front of the group, while I was reading the story It was either that or cope with a massive tantrum. He was about 2 at the time and I thought "Well if any of these people actually come back to the group ever again I will try to get over being so embarrassed about this."

No-one has ever made unpleasant comments to me as a result of breastfeeding in public. I have found the comments that hurt are those that come from friends and family, but even they shut up in the end. I think over time they see that you and your child are happy with it, and if you appear confident with your choice, there is not much more to be said about it.

This is a great thread, it has really made me feel positive about MN for the last day or so.

blimey, your so right.... it is not really other people that i get upset by (although yes they make me paranoid) but it is the family commenting!! Both nan's have had their digs about bf still, more especially now as they think ds is getting to demanding. at one point they were really making me question my motives (xp has made a comment on this as well), am i doing it for my dependance or his wellbeing.... i still think there is an element of both in it, ie i dont want to lose the closeness i feel with him but also because after a winter of chest inf and virus's and bf being the only comfort and source of nuitrition ds would tolerate i have realised its value and well sod everyone else and their opinions.... it does hurt though when i know they probably discuss it amoungst themselves on the car journey home!
i have a lot of respect for women who can confidently feed in public, the only place i ever felt totally comfortable was (at home) and at a new baby bf support group that i went when ds was small. if i was out shopping i would mostly shuffle of to some manky baby changing/feeding room.... i certainly could'nt have feed on a bus!! i would have felt far more confident if i knew the law was on my side though, i would'nt have felt quite so paranoid and vulnerable sitting in cafe's and restaurants worrying about if i was offending anyone!

That's great Jollyfolly, it's really good you are feeling more positive and have a LLL group to go to. I am thinking about finding something like that near me but not sure if there is anything...

I do still feed in public, in cafes, reastaurants, on the bus...I just don't care Well, no, I do wonder what people think, but at the end of the day, if ds wants a feed I'm not going to deny him it, wherever we are. There are a couple of ok feeding rooms in town which I seek out however if I don't want to go into a cafe. Or if I'm in a clothes shop, I sometimes pick up a top or two and head for the changing rooms if ds wants a feed when we're shopping

I have to say though, what you say about having the law on your side is interesting; I was in Edinburgh recently and fed out with absolutely no qualms, knowing that it was 'accepted'. Even though I do bf in public in England, I don't always feel comfortable doing so.

The only negative comments have been from acquaintances I don't care about, or from in-laws who are just ignorant about many aspects of bf. I am also really lucky that I have a very supportive dp, so we are a united front iyswim, and can face any negativity together.

You're doing a great job, enjoy it Oh and let us know how the LLL meeting goes!

jollyfolly, I'm still feeding my now 2 yr old dd,
she is a V.avid bfeeder & to only feed her
5 times in 1 day would be a slow day!

She a tall 2yr old & I get the odd look from people when i'm in a cafe & she has her 'num nums'! But if a 2 yr old can sit & have a bottle
of milk in a cafe why can't my dd have her milk?

If you can cope with the demands of your feeding
ds I think it'd be wonderfull for you both to
carry on. You have to still enjoy the bfeeding
for it to work though.