Breast feeding in public - support and encouragement please

[gertrudestein]

I have a 2 wk old ds and we are starting to venture outside. So far I've fed him (he is ebf) in the midwife's office and in a very private spot in a park. Have also done it in front of friends and relatives at home. But I am really scared of doing it 'properly' in public - ie in a cafe or a restaurant.

I'm doing the 2 vest thing so feel fairy covered up once he's latched on, but can't get the hang of using a scarf to cover the latching on moments - so basically j have to wave my nipple around a bit to begin with. I would have been fine with that but have had a couple of confidence destroying conversations with friends who think that's offensive/ outrageous/ funny. I know it's not of course, but I just want to be discreet and not draw attention to myself

(One - childless - friend helpfully suggested I should latch him on in the toilet then come back into public to finish feeding him. Another, who has a ds, screamed 'I can see a nipple!!!!' when I was tentatively practising in front of her at home ... There have been more. It makes me want to cry)

Does anyone have any tips for how to breastfeed discreetly in public, what kind of reactions I can expect, , and how to build your confidence?

Tia

Congratulations and well done for considering bf in public so soon. Your friends are numpties, ignore. I also use the muslin tucked into bra strap, if DS is pulling at the muslin I loop it over the strap twice IYSWIM. I use the corner of the muslin to do this so that I can put another corner under my arm the side I'm feeding from while he is latching on so that I'm screened from one side, and if you feel like you need to you can turn so that the other side is less visible by sitting near a wall or using the pram as a screen. Hope that makes sense! Like others I have found no-one notices and they only look when he's screaming his head off! I only ever had one comment from some hyacinth bucket type and I just told her it was none of her business if I was feeding my child. She walked off in a strop but only made herself looked stupid. You can always fall back on the MN favourite "did you mean to be so rude (by staring/saying that etc)". Good luck OP!

What everyone else has said! No one will be looking/care, and you are just feeding your baby. A friend told me that in Kenya women just pop out a boob and no one bats an eyelid, it's not something dirty fgs!

I started out horribly shy but like others by six mo really didn't bother any more!

I have one of those Bebe Au Lait nursing covers, new, unused. If you PM me your address I'll post it to you!

I pick a cafe based on seating arrangements - does it have comfy chairs or at least chairs with arms. Can I sit discreetly (back to most of the shop) or at least angle my pram in front of me.
I haven't yet mastered latching her on under a muslin/scarf so it's a case of hope for the best that she's calm and goes on quickly, then once on rearrange vests/clothes/scarf for minimum flesh showing.
Agree that most people won't notice or care, and that more will be supportive. I've been out like this twice on my own, first time the owner was the only one that noticed and offered me more water. Second time I was complimented on my multitasking ability to feed on oneside and eat my food with other hhand once she was settled (I was starving as well!)
Good luck...

Well my baby has just decided to cluster feed his way through the morning I had an opportunity to try the muslin tucked into your top thing at home ... It's much easier than flinging it over your shoulder and hoping it will stay there, and I can see that with a bit of practice it could be very effective! Thanks everyone - it's really, really great to hear all these positive stories

Honestly I don't have too many tips about being discreet (although probably best not to sit in the window seats of Starbucks like I did ) since I have no qualms about feeding anywhere these days. I focus on the fact that it is a completely right and natural and lovely thing to do and if anyone doesn't like it they are Just Wrong.

Just one tip really. There are going to be some moments when your nipples are on show however many precautions you take (especially once DC gets older and distractible!). When this happens, remember that you are less conspicuous if you stay calm - if you are calm (or appear to be!) and just carry on chatting or whatever, then there is no reason for anyone to look at you.

It does get easier. I fed DS everywhere, my least favourite places being packed commuter trains and the tube. I started off with a breastfeeding cover, which was useful in the early days before DS was good at latching on, and quickly ditched it as it became easier to pop him on without waving naked flesh around. Also remember, the more you do it, the more you normalise it for others around you who may have hang ups (your friends sound a bit immature on the subject tbh). If you still find it difficult there's nothing like solidarity, try and go out with another bf mum or go to a bf group or LLL meeting if there's one near you?

I was really nervous about bf in public but my friends actually encouraged me to do it, I feel sorry for you that your friends weren't supportive! I've now fed in a variety of parks, cares, restaurants etc and honestly no one cares. People look but to be honest I think its more a case of 'why has she got a blanket over her chest' before realising what you are actually doing. Also, I think because yiu have a view from the top you think your boob is hanging out but actually most of the time no one can see anything!

My midwife told me to say "its the feeding or the crying, which would you prefer?" to anyone who was mean :) I have fed him in the baby room of a dept store but not been brave enough to do it in a cafe or anywhere "public" yet. Some good encouragement on here though!

I can really relate to this - the thought of BFing in a cafe or similar public place filled me with absolute terror in the early weeks. Def echo the suggestion to go to a Baby Cafe or similar BF group. I also went to Bumps and Babies groups, and similar and found it easy to BF there and also observe the techniques others used for public BFing. I couldn't really get on with the BF apron but still carry it in my change bag as a bit of a security blanket - so if I get really stuck having to feed somewhere I didn't feel comfortable I know i could use it if I had to. A muslin tucked in a bra strap really helps, as does the vest under top thing. I got some really giant muslins from muslincloths.co.uk which frankly the whole family could hide under - found them a big help early on.
DS is 16 weeks old now and has been fed in a multitude of places that I would never have believed I would have managed a few weeks ago!

Where I used to live there was a lovely 'Breastfeeding welcome' scheme just taking off. In the borough of Lewisham venues displayed stickers to help bf mums feel comfortable. I don't know if there is a similar scheme around you?i think its a lovely idea to help nervous mums.

My tips are try and use venues where you feel confident and comfortable in the early days. Do a quick scan for the best seat where you feel least on display. Also if it feels awful and fumbling in the early outings please remember it will get easier and more discrete as your baby gets the knack. And I found I drew less attention to myself without trying to cover the baby with a shawl or muslin sometimes as it might bother him or keep falling off. Do a bit of experimenting.

Good luck - it'll be fine honestly and it's so much quicker when you're out and about than warming up formula!

And also we all should just remind ourselves 'it's just a nipple!' We all have them and there's nothing wrong with them! I don't know why a nipple whips people into such a state of hysteria your friend sounds very immature!

Yes you can't see that much, and yes of course people shouldn't care, but it's natural to feel self-conscious. I could never get the scarf thing to work as I still need to watch DS latch on and I would tie myself in knots trying to stay discreet. Then I saw a friend use an apron and was impressed - it's obvious what she's doing but everything is totally covered up, perfect for when you're still getting the hang of it, and you have a clear view of baby (and he can see you too). I ordered one that day and have happily used it in busy pubs and restaurants without feeling embarrassed. Try BebeChic or Bebe au Lait.

Honestly, few people look, even fewer notice! But, if your confidence takes a knock, there are feeding rooms around in done places - John Lewis, ikea, boots, m&s even. Some double up as changing areas, but others are less smelly and comfortably furnished.

Good luck - it gets easier.

Congratulations on your son, OP. Any advice I could offer has already been given above, but I just wanted to say that I bf both DDs, fed in public on many many occasions and never had so much as a raised eyebrow.I think most people don't notice- they're too wrapped up in their own business- and those that do notice, generally don't care.

If you've got a bfing group near you, I highly recommend. I went when LO was about 2 weeks old and was great to sort of practice in a room full of peopel all doing the same thing. Also good to swap tales. My boy is 7 weeks now and getting more confident - try to stick to bfing friendly cafes but have been out and about a lot now in different places and (to my surprise) haven't felt too uncomfortable or received any 'looks'.

Thanks everyone ! I still haven't been to a cafe but yesterday I had to feed ds in a park because he started screaming. I picked a shady bench and started, then realised once he'd latched on that there was a group of drunk and rowdy teenagers arguing at the next bench. I was really self conscious and felt very vulnerable, but followed advice on here to stay calm and focus on the baby and of course the kids didnt notice or care what I was doing. It was rush hour so he park suddenly started getting really busy and I got quited a few friendly smiles from passing commuters on their way to the tube!

you've had lots of great comments already and I agree with everything they've said but just wanted to share my tip regarding the Exposed Nipple Issue, I used to pull my bra cup down under my shirt, bring DS into position then hold my shirt out very close to him and hold it out like a sort of canopy just over his mouth/nose area which I think hid it very well. When he was older I used to put my spare hand over my nipple/his mouth, just hovering above it. That worked when he was older and like others have said, would get easily distracted and look around for a bit, leaving me nipple to the wind ;-)
honestly, noone will notice. enjoy getting out and about and showing people what a happy confident mum you are.

Lots of good advice as others have said. I just wanted to add that if I have a pushchair with me I often manoeuvre it so it's a bit of a visual barrier on the side I'm feeding if I feel a bit self conscious. Good luck!

The first few times out and about are really hard but it really does become second nature really quickly. My first public bf was in a bar/cafe in a busy area with glass walls! No one noticed though and it made me much more confident. Good luck!

Really pleased you are building confiedence.

I sat in the day ward feeding ds when waiting for dds slot. My mum was there playing with dd, and even though she kept looking over to smile/ chat about dd she didn't reaLised I'd fed ds. When we were called in she asked what did I want her to do if he wanted feeding!

Great that you are getting more confident. I think it highly unlikely you will get anything other than smiles and positive comments. In 18m of feeding ds1 and 12w of feeding ds2 people have either not noticed, or if they have they have been kind. Especially formidable looking ladies of a certain age

As the others have said it definitely gets easier after the first time and your confidence builds.

Keep reminding yourself that it is your right to feed your baby in public and if anyone doesn't like it, that is their problem not yours. You are legally protected for a good reason. People in other countries/the middle ages would laugh themselves stupid at the way people react to breastfeeding in our society.

Imagine if it suddenly became taboo to feed retired people in cafes. We would have lots of threads - how can I feed grandma, she doesn't like a blanket on her head!!? Madness :)

If you do get a BebeAuLait, get one that doesn't look like it was made from 1970's curtains!

I have a v cheap (£7) version of a bebeaulait apron cover from an eBay seller. It's great, covers everything and you can still see down due to boned neckline. Other bonus is that at end of feed you can extract baby without having to also worry about tucking yourself back in at same time and can adjust bra and top back into position before removing the apron.