not really looking for advice- just wanted to unburden

[myrubberduck]

I am having DS2 in a few weeks time. I am dreading the feeding issue. I did not have an easy time BF the last and felt very pressured to do it by my HCPs and my husband/ILs and by my peers. Gave up after 2 months for various reasons that dont matter now.

I am going to bf this one as well but now I have such negative feelings towards it. I value my personal autonomy, am passionate about women's rights and feel that the pressure to BF that mums are now under that it has for me become a feminist issue. I get very angry by the way that the medical establishment deliberatly talk up the benefits of bf with a view to 'encouraging' woment to do it (NOT saying there are none BTW, but seriously my MW has a poster up which claims that bf children tend to have better vocal skills than ff children, by further example the only bit of advice apparent on my ante-natal notes is a stark warning that ff children are more likely to develop lukemia than bf children)

I am planning to put on my birth plan that I do not want to discuss bf with any HCPs because I know that even the most well meaning advice will piss me off, I dont want the approving looks from them and from my extended family when I feed my child. I dont want my husband to tell me he is 'so proud' of me for bf- I dont want my MIL to tell me how well I am doing at each feed. I dont want to be seen as the 'good mummy' who bfs as opposed to the 'naughty mummy' who does not

I know it sounds daft but I dont even want anyone to see me do it or talk to me about it as i know it will make me angry. i wish they would all just fuck off and leave me to feed my son how I choose.

I know I am being a bit irrational. Has anyone else felt like this and did you manage to get over yourself?

You are not being irrational in any way, it is simply no one else's business but yours and yours only and you simply tell EVERYONE it is a subject not for discussion. How you feed your child is up to you, not midwives, health visitors, relatives etc etc.

I hate the total expossure I felt with my first, all this discussion about my body and my child, bugger off to be frank. I BF both mine in the privacy of my own home, I did not want to sit in a cafe and feed, even though I would have been welcome, I did not want to sit in a relatives house and BF with a muslin square over me. I was 100 times more relaxed and capable at home than with all the eyes of the world on me. Tell you DH to tell you MIL to back off and not mention it, none of her business. Would you talk to them about your vagina? No.

My children are now 6 & 10 and if I looked in their classes at school could I spot the BF children and the FF children? No I could not!

Do you have a nice midwife you could talk too about this, one who understands how you feel and not one he is totally BF all the way? I really stuggled with DS2 and I had a fab midwife who I talked to about the public-ness of BF, the pressure etc etc and she really helped me discuss it and when DS2 was born came round an helped me BF, get comfy, do it my way and no one else ways and she showed me how to make bottles.

Not BF does not make you a failure, less of a woman, less of a feminist.

You do what you want and you are happy with. Visualise a protective bubble over you head and when people bang on about it, ignore them, you are intelligent enough to make up your own mind and do it you way,

Grants- you have seriously made my day

Are you me OP? I am 37 weeks with dc2 and had awful bf experience. I have told my midwife I don't want to discuss feeding methods at all. I just can't see bf as anything other than painful and demoralising. (Failed TT diagnosis, metritis etc etc). I hated the exposure and said this time no one touches my boobs. But I still in heart if hearts would love to successfully bf. I felt bullied by midwives and it was just awful last time.
I plan to stick to no discussing it, try my best, mixed feed. Good luck to you. I want to have a better experience than last time when the 3 weeks of expressing, feeding and 13% weight loss, re admission etc etc ruined my time with dc1 as a newborn.

I don't think you are in the least irrational for wanting people to back off, myrubberduck. Overt approval can be as disempowering as overt disapproval - yuk. Once a HV said to me, apropos of my (bf) baby, 'oh you can always tell the babies who are breastfed - they look so contented!' which I knew was utter bollocks and which annoyed me intensely - I don't need your f**n praise, I thought, as well as hoping she didn't repeat the rubbish to other women who were ff. Grrrrr.

On the whole, women want information, encouragement and support - not approval or praise. Posters with facts on, antenatal notes with info in (both of those pieces of info are evidence-based, BTW!) are useless and irritating, in a culture where women feel judged whatever they do - and there are plenty of women who feel judged for breastfeeding, believe me. Breastfeeding is surrounded by 'yes, buts......' - 'yes, bf is fine, but not here/not now/not if you show flesh/not if the baby is a boy/a girl/older than x weeks or months.....' etc etc. I work with women who are judged every day by their families for bf - they're being 'selfish', 'stupid', 'showing off' 'a hippy'. The cloying praise and approval you experienced is the other side of that - and equally unhelpful!

Breastfeed (or not) the way you want to, and discuss what you want to discuss, and enjoy your relationship with your baby as you want to - you don't need anyone's input from the sound of it :)