How to handle my mother and her attitude to BF?

[Gingerbreadlatte]

I'm currently exclusively bf-ing my dd2 (4mths). I did the same or dd1.

My mother and I have a interesting r/ship. It's involved but she has massive esteem issues made worse after her pfb died and my father walked out when I was young. Single ever since. I've lived with this all my life and I find it hard to deal with because I've been so very influenced by her negativity and issues (understandable that she has these).

Part of her issue is her dislike, almost disgust of anything personal or body related. She made many a comment about pregnant womens body's being revolting when I was heavily pregnant.

Fwd to now, she is clearly uncomfortable with me breastfeeding. Thinks children who do it long term are horrible etc etc. she talks negatively about it a lot..

My dd 2 feeds a lot. And it's got to the point that that I don't like feeding in front of her as it makes me so uncomfortable. She can't bear it by her body language and it makes me stressed and dd2 fretful..

Anyway - the point of my post- we are going out for the day with my other sibling soon and I will be bringing dd2 as she will need feeding. I am dreading it. Dreading having to feed dd2 discretely which she doesn't like (will be necessary to be discreet due to location anyway) and mother finding it uncomfortable and exhibiting as much via her body language. She can't take it, and she can't sit and be relaxed if baby screams either. Makes me so stressed.

How do I handle it.? I know I should ignore her but I cant. I'm so deeply affected by her attitudes and moods and I have inhheritited her self esteem issues and I'm struggling with minor PNd at the moment too...

Hi, this is radical but your last para suggests it might be better not to see her so much? Sounds very hard on you.

But if you do feel it best to see her, think 'who owns the prolem?' It is her issue with bf-ing, so five minutes before say 'I am going to feed, if ou don't feel comfortable maybe you should go for a cuppa/whatever and I'll come find you when we are done'. You should not moderate your normal caring routine for someone else's issues really.

Can you just see her less regularly until DD is a bit older and less reliant on breastfeeding? Sad that it would have to be that way but surely seeing her isn't doing you much good if it's stressing you out that much?

What the others have said really ie. we're going to feed now so I'll meet you X in 15 mins or so if you like.

That sounds really tough, on you both actually as it doesn't sound like your mum is being cantankerous in the way some people are - but probably due to the v sad death of your sibling. Has she/either of you had counselling?

Is it just her body language (and your knowledge that she doesn't feel comfortable with it) that is the issue or is she openly vocalising her disapproval?

I can't decipher from your post whether you both have discussed the 'issue' or not.

What you're doing by bf your little baby is totally a normal bodily function. Her attitude and view is not normal. As such I don't think you should pander to her and avoid feeding your baby if it needs fed.

Do what the others have said by a) avoiding her, b) when you're with her take some time apart to feed in peace.

It doesn't sound easy for you, but really she is the one with the biggest issue here.

Thanks everyone.

We haven't discussed it. We don't 'do' that kind of conversation.

She has never talked of the loss of her pfb and some early life 'training' to never talk about anything difficult means I never will raise the subject- I find it hard to talk about to anyone tbh.

She doesn't mean any harm with her comments and behaviour, its just how she is. She'd be beside herself I she knew I felt like this. She'd not sleep with the stress of it - so I can't mention it.

She just seems devoid of empathy and social skills of the right things to say to people and how to behave.

It does my head in and whilst im establishing myself as a mother of 2 its playing on my mind which makes it worse

I will try and avoid her a bit but its hard. No idea how i handle the day out. Got no choice but to feed and if baby cries in posh location she won't be able to contain her stress which makes me so miserable. :(

Can your other sibling help at all? I remember when i was feeding dd and one of dhs brothers had to leave the building if i so much as adjusted my shirt! However his older, much more conservative brother said 'oh for heavens sake, she has to eat, don't mind him' and the support of the other brother made my 'embarrassment' of causing discomfort (mad i know) easier to put up with.

Gingerbreadlatte - it's not right you should feel like this....not specifically about bf, but about everything connected with difficult topics.

To feel pressure not to talk about these topics, to the extent you cannot ask her to control her reaction to breastfeeding because she would not sleep with the stress of you having brought it up.....intolerable.

Now's maybe the time to think seriously about resolving the whole issue, to be your own adult person, without the responsibility of keeping your mother happy - so your dds don't become affected by this torturing family dynamic. It is not your job any more to protect your mother, and it is not fair to your dd to have a mother who is dreading feeding her :(

Posting on the mumsnet Relationships boards would be a start - there are some good contributors there who speak sense about mother-daughter stuff.

Do you know roughly when DD2 will need feeding? Could you maybe time a cafe stop & your mum have a coffee while you find a chair/sofa/cubbyhole! Is it worth ringing up venue in advance & asking if they have a spare office/behind reception desk? Not ideal I know but if it can separate you & give your mum an excuse to be apart it might work. Always worth a try. You might get another bf mum on the phone when you ring!

I am sorry that your mum makes you feel this way. Well done for feeding anyway. Sounds like you are trying to be as diplomatic as possible. Really hope you find a solution for your day out.

Thanks TikTok. Your post has given me real food for thought.

I have spent my life protecting her indirectly. She always had issue with being on her own and found social stuff hard due to this. As a child I would go to stuff with her and inadvertently play a role of partner. The worst being at my sibling's wedding where she was so edgy it ruined it for me and i ended up with a migraine and feeling stressed out of my head- I felt responsible for her stress.

Even now I find it a hard concept to not protect her, despite being enraged by it!

If I cause her stress by raising any difficult subject or criticising her albeit constructively she has no one else ( though I suppose she has friends) and it would feel cruel given the hand life has dealt her. She cannot take any criticisms and gets stressed and worried about anything.

This is a mess. I always knew that but talking here has really opened mi eyes to it. Will try and get some help and post on relationships.

With regard to feeding my beautiful dd2, i love feeding and only find it hard in her company so not too much fortunately but its bit fair on the baby - I agree.

Thank you TikTok

X post Gruber. Good idea. Will enquire about the room. Thanks .

Agree with tiktok. I was like this with my mum (but for other reasons) - I took responsibility for her mental illness so much so I'd end up stressed and crying when I had to visit but never in front of her. I'd keep visiting as I'd worried she'd have a relapse.

In the end I cut contact right down to the bare minimum - I don't see her except for xmas. I refuse to leave my children with her and do not engage in certain conversations beyond telling her I don't agree. It was easier than I thought TBH.

I would cancel the day trip if possible. Feign illness maybe.

Thanks Iggly. Was your mum alone? I feel so bad about leaving her alone as she hasnt got anyone: her pfb died, husband left her, 2nd child moved out and then it was just me. I was the final person to leave her alone. Its eats me up...

I cant really cancel as its paid for and for a significant b'day celebration. I think the best thing I can do is get my sibling on side to help me on the day- distract her, take off off and let me sit and feed her alone etc. If baby starts crying avoiding situation.

Hope you get some good help generally, Gingerbread. Your mum is an adult and responsible for her own mental well-being - maybe she needs outside help to do this, but you have your own daughters now and you cannot be 'in charge' of your mum's stress any more - love, support, sharing, yes, but not responsibilty or protection.

These dynamics run in families (you'll probably find something similar in your mum's history with her own mother, either as a protector or dominator). Now's the time to break the cycle with your children!

My mum is like yours, OP.

You have to let go of this guilt, really. As others have said, your mum is responsible for her own happiness and she always has been.

Detach yourself as much as you can. I know how hard it is x

No she's not alone but with a controlling abusive man so I felt like I was her only support.

However I came to realise that she is an adult and she made those choices. I'm her daughter - I cannot protect her. It was when I realised that this could adversely impact on my children and I couldn't bear the thought of that.

Totally sympathize. My mother bottle fed me and my sib and has old style idea of feeding every 4 hours, supplementing with water and god forbid actually picking up your child when it cries. When my LO was 2 weeks I picked him up when he cried and fed him and he (unsurprisingly) stopped crying, she just rolled her eyes and said "spoilt already!". Seriously! I find feeding in front of her a total nightmare, and also she has developed this bizarre thing where she jumps across the room and takes him off me when he even so much as whimpers to show how great a granny she is...she even did this mid feed!

My advise, for what it's worth, it may well cause arguments and tears (if anything like mine) but keep at a distance. Support from your other half essential. Like your mother, she doesn't do emotional conversations. I actually wrote her a letter and she basically told me I was making it all up and now she acts like nothing ever happened. Unfortunately, some people are just not ready to acknowledge and work on their issues, but you have the choice to move on with your family and not repeat the same mistakes. Good luck.

Thanks for everyone's posts. It's really made me think differently and some space is what I need I think.

I felt totally obliged to be there at any cost and its not my responsibility!

She totally intends no malice I her behaviour. It's like autopilot passive aggressive at times. Regardless it drives me bonkers.