This is really long - feel free to read it but do not feel obliged to work your way through this diatribe of what is going around in my head.
I think it has helped a bit to put it down in writing - and I think it will help to show DP later so we can move past this...
I started a thread last night asking for help in coping with huge, rock hard breasts. I got some really useful advice and was really grateful for it.
My DS was born on Thursday morning at the end of less than one hour of labour. I am not really sure if my body recognises the fact that he is out!
Anyway, I spent the WHOLE night trying different things to help get some of this milk out of my breasts. I have been expressing since DS was born but it was only at 6pm yesterday that the first dribble - maybe 1ml - of colostrum came out. I know this is fine as it is early days and the NICU staff where DS is in an incubator say my supply may also have been affected by my gestational diabetes as well as the stress I am putting myself under trying to express, spend time with DS and balance the needs of my 2DDs.
Anyway, I have tried:
- warm/hot flannel compresses
- hand expressing
- watching dozens of videos to improve hand expressing
- pumping with hospital pump
- dangling boobs over sink of hot water
- kneeling in bath dangling boobs in water
- kneeding breasts
- massaging breasts
- pressing on areola to encourage expressing
I tried using a photograph/slideshow of DS. I tried relaxation breathing. I tried turning on the TV and expressing without paying too much attention to nothing happening. I tried recalling the sensations from earlier in the day when he had been able to come out for a cuddle.
I have tried these things repeatedly all night from about 9pm until 3am. At no point did any milk/liquid/colostrum come out of my breasts.
At 3 am I decided to give up.
I then spent the next 2 hours rationalising this decision. DS is my third premature baby. He is my third NICU baby. Breastfeeding would have been better for him - especially in his early days. I know breastfeeding is particularly important for preemies and sick babies.
I struggled with expressing and breastfeeding with DD1 and DD2. But I managed to mix feed them both until their due dates (8 weeks and 5 weeks respectively).
I gave birth to DS at 3.16 am on Thursday morning. I discharged myself that evening because DP wanted to go into work on Friday (he will take his paternity leave when DS comes home - as he has done with DD1 and DD2). I managed to persuade him to take another day off to support me. I asked him to organise childcare for DD2 so that he could take me for lunch (he did not do this).
Yesterday was a 'good' day as I did not spend it all crying. I asked DP for more help and DP spoke to DS nurses about a load of things I was worrying about. I spent a long time with DS and cuddled him next to my skin for the first time. He was not interested in doing anything but sleeping. I sorted childcare for DD1 and DP looked after DD2 - they are both his children but they had different activities to be at at the same time.
I spent no time with DP all day. I asked my DParents to come to the hospital and have lunch with me. They did.
I spoke with nurses on NICU - DS's lead nurse in the day was very supportive and told me it was alright to breastfeed DS or not. I needed to balance the needs of everyone in my family and the stress I was under (self-inflicted) was not helping. DS's lead nurse in the afternoon was much more pro-BF but she had been speaking with DP the previous evening when he had told her how much we wanted to do this for DS. She was very much for me to persevere no matter what.
I rationalised my decision - these are professionals who will help DS get better and eventually come home. They will not be part of my day-to-day life within a few months and I should be able to make the decision as I need to. Both DDs were fine on prescription formula and, eventually, normal formula. They are both bright, happy children now. I am a good mum and formula feeding was not something I felt guilty about with DDs.
I made the decision to cope with the engorgement and for DS to be fed on formula. He is up to 7ml of allergy formula in his tube already and is coping fine with it. By formula feeding he is likely to come home earlier as he will gain weight quicker and the amount he receives can be measured.
DD2 was kept in NICU longer than 'necessary' because I wanted to persevere with breastfeeding and she was not thriving. I do not want this to be the case again with DS.
I think life will be much easier to organise once DS is home.
DP came in at 5am. He had not been involved with any of my efforts overnight. He had chosen to fall asleep when putting the DDs to bed (about 9pm as we had been out). When he woke up a few hours later, he chose to climb into bed with DD2. he knew I was in agony when he started bedtime with the DDs - I was at that point trying warm compresses and running a bath. I had explained why.
When DP came in to our room at 5am (his usual time for getting up) I told him I had decided to stop trying to express and that I needed his support in this decision.
He responded, "No."
I explained the agony and started to explain what I had tried overnight. He was finding it hard to listen so I suggested he 'look up engorged breasts on the computer.'
He decided to call the NICU for advice and came back telling me to try hand expressing and to use Lansinoh on my nipples. By this time I was crying that I had tried all that and more. He kept suggesting I try expressing. I told him my breasts were so sore by now that they hurt to touch and I cannot lift my arms at the shoulders.
He told me that we had decided to breastfeed DS. He asked how he could 'fix this.'
I now feel really useless and as though I have failed DS. I look at his picture and just want to apologise.
DP has taken DDs to their regular Sunday morning activity. I was going to go to see DS but feel too embarrassed to walk on to NICU. I feel unsupported and undermined by DP and feel that I will just sit and cry if I see DS - although I am just sitting and crying now...
Thank you if you have read this far. I am not looking for any support or advice. I am just feeling really bad and useless. I know engorgement is normal and I would have to deal with it if I had a baby to look after. But I do not have a baby to look after and, if I did, this would not be my situation as he would have been at the breast and I would not have been pumping or expressing for the last 3 days with no result.
Sorry.