Partner not supportive of breastfeeding

[Seren00]

Hi there all am new mum and new to these boards so hope someone out there can help. My lovely daughter is 8 weeks old and I was hoping to breastfeed her. But from the very start we had problems with latching/cracked nipples and of course then with my supply.
Baby was born at 6lb 14 and went down to 6lb 4 by three weeks. HV and MW told me to put her on a bottle so I began to supplement her by giving her formula if she would not settle after a breastfeed.
I then saw every breastfeeding counsellor I could and have found some help at last. But it's still not going that well - baby is putting on weight - she is now about 10lbs (due to be weighed later today). She feeds around every three hours and gets one bottle of formula as her night feed and one bottle of expressed milk as her last feed of the day.
But my partner says he is concerned baby is not getting enough to eat and that my breastmilk is "not adequate" and that is "final". He gives her a bottle at the first opportunity, even if she is not due for a feed, and the result is that her routine goes out the window (I had managed to get her sleeping for 6 hours at night). I've tried to tell him that sucking fingers, etc is not always a sign of hunger and that everytime she cries it doesn't mean she is hungry and that if she cries in between feeds it might just be that she wants another one rather than the last one not being adequate (does that make sense? - she likes to feed quite a lot during the evening).
My confidence with BF is at rock bottom and I just sit there waiting for her to cry after every feed when we had come so far - in the last two weeks we'd gone from a bottle after every breastfeed to maybe one or even none.
Is my breastmilk enough for her? How can I persuade my partner that it is or it can be?

First off - congratulations on a lovely baby who sleeps six hours a night (do you know how lucky you are, girl???) and big hugs for the situation you've been in. They've all really knocked your confidence, haven't they.

I'm sure lots of other people will join me in reassuring you that your breastmilk sounds enough, and that you sound spot on about the evening crying. What is the best way, do you think, of convincing your partner? I ask because my dp is quite similar on things like birth/breastfeeding - he worries terribly, and then gets to a point where he won't listen to me on it. He gets convinced that I express 'too much' and that it's draining me and indeed at one point (we had a weight scare too) that I was expressing and storing all the milk that should go into the baby. (And he was a complete and utter PITA about my plans for a home birth.(

What sort of things would make him pay attention? A printout sheet? Baby's weight book? Reassurance from your HV? I do sympathise.

HTH and lots of love

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Thanks for your kind replies...
Secur I think you're right - DP does like to feed her and I can't blame him - he adores her! And I know it's been hard for him because the past 8 weeks have been really tough - I've been crying with pain/frustration most days and my poor baby was starving in the first weeks so all she did was cry. The problem I have on the more frequent feeding front is that I'm still not an expert and do get a bit sore so can't always put her straight back on the breast. I'm also expressing in between feeds so don't have time for much more breast action, if you know what I mean!
I'm not very confident and I know that if I get anxious I start to hunch over DD when I feed her and then get sore, etc.
MI - our partners sound very similar - does he think you'll run out of milk in the manner of a barrel of beer????

Oh Seren, it's hard enough getting breastfeeding established with a supportive dp, never mind when they are interfering (with the best of intentions, I hope).
Are you in contact with your local NCT branch (you don't have to be a member to benefit from coffee mornings and meet-ups etc). You might get some face-to-face solidarity through meeting other new mums...
And you mentioned you finally got some good help from a b/f counsellor. Could this person talk to your dp? If by any chance you are in SE London there are two different drop-in groups for b/f mums where you can get great support.
If your dd is putting on weight and you are managing to express milk to feed her from a bottle, then there is no problem with your supply.
Weight loss after birth is very, very common (almost compulsory ) and not caused by b/f. And from the sound of things your HV and midwife could have been more supportive of your b/f too.
You sound well-clued up for a first-time mum - your instincts on her behaviour between feeds sound spot-on to me! I do hope you can sort this out, you've done brilliantly to keep going so far.
And it can be done - lots of us have persevered in the face of unhelpful advice/physical problems etc, if you get a chance, have a browse through some of the threads in this area.
Welcome to Mumsnet!

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Spot on about the beer, Seren. I've tried and TRIED to point out that no I can express and feed the baby, I won't run out - I mean honestly, I've got bazooms like watermelons, the baby is utterly utterly gorgeous, and she seems to have kept going for six months exclusive b/fing (she's seven months now) but yet again, last weekend, he said he wished I wouldn't express at the weekend (he's finally seen the light about doing it on work days!). Twit

Marina's suggestion of getting him to talk to the counsellor is spot on, I think. Need an 'expert', some lads.

(PS my dp is a very good father btw, and our older dd dotes on him!)

What a shame he doesn't realise that breast milk is the only perfect food for babies. Formula is fine, but breastmilk is perfect. And all breastmilk is the same - ie perfect - you cannot have inferior breastmilk unless you are literally starving to death (ie in famine). It's not possible. If I were you I would throw the bloody formula in the bin so it wasn't even available, but that's me. I do think this is not an issue about the baby but about your dp, maybe he likes to control things and cannot control your breastfeeding? Maybe he is jealous of your breastfeeding relationship? Only you can answer that. It is normal and natural for babies to lose weight when they are born - they are born with extra fat on board precisely for this reason. Also babies suck for comfort and pleasure not just for food (this is why they sell dummies in shops!) and crying is the only way they have of signalling any feeling - inclding mild discomfort, pain, tiredness, boredom, the desire for a cuddle, being too cold or too hot or plenty of other things. Why would it always be hunger? It doesn't make sense. But this IMO isn't about sense, it's about panic. I do think you have to take him in hand. If he carries on like this you will lose your confidence and it will damage your supply and you will be sad and regretful and maybe even resentful. I think it might help to ask the b/f counsellor to talk to him, and you need IMO to get strict on this. This could even make you depressed if he carries on and I think you need to tell him how upset he is making you. I am sure his sense of panic will subside as he gets over the shock of being a father, but in the meantime this is still an important time for establishing breastfeeding. Good luck, you are doing brilliantly. A baby of 8 weeks that sleeps six hours a night and is gaining weight is doing staggeringly well.

Re the 'running out', MI and Seren, ask them how they think twins ever survived!

Seren00, do you think your baby might be suffering from colic? I am b/f my baby and he did wake up about an hour after being fed and would cry and try to suck his fingers, try to latch whenever he was picked up and he would draw his knees up a lot. Luckily both my dh and I knew that it was wind, although anyone else would have said that he was hungry. Because babies don't distinguish between hunger pains and wind pains, when they do have wind they think they are hungry.
It made it a lot easier when I looked at my diet and realised that I was drinking quite a lot of orange juice, which can cause wind in babies, so I stopped drinking it and he's much better now.

It could also be the reason your dd responded better to formula, as whatever is causing the wind would not be present in formula. So do have a look at your diet.

Good luck

Hello there am back again after taking baby for her first injections. I made DH hold her.
Thanks again for your replies - Secur I'm expressing in between feeds to try and boost my milk supply and so that I have a bottle to give her for the last feed of the day. Do you think I should give it a rest? I'm not sure I have all that much milk (didn't feel let down, etc., but now that positioning is better i do) so I'm trying to work on it without actually putting her to the breast and using the milk as a top-up feed in the night.
Thanks Rhubarb I don't think it's colic as she does not exhibit any of the other symptoms but you're right about the diet - I don't think I'm eating as well as I should which is ridiculous because I'm a sportswoman and should know better!
I did lose a lot of weight as soon as DD was born and was always being hassled by people for not putting on enough weight when I was pregnant (didn't diet, just am small).

seren, have you been in touch with your local La Leche group? I joined last year and they're incredibly supportive - will give advice over phone, have monthly discussion groups - we discussed the whole thing about negative attitudes to breastfeeding and it was fascinating and helped boost our morale
I had mastitis lots with my dd1 and handled feeding a lot better second time around thanks to the advice they'd given to me. the first time my supply didn't 'settle down' until about 10 weeks in, when I had my 3rd bout of mastitis, and my nipples were still sore - so don't give up hope, my dd1 started to gain weight then after a rocky few weeks like yours.

ps I went on to breastfeed dd1 till she was nearly 2...and I'm still feeding dd2 who's 9 months today

Thanks yes I have and hope to go to one of their meetings when they start up again soon.
I'm also seeing a brilliant breastfeeding advisor who runs a clinic about half an hour away.
Most of us mums there just sit and cry together - it's fun.
But my advisor is on leave this week (how inconsiderate!) so there is no clinic andas many of you must know - when your confidence goes, it really goes! Am really grateful for all the replies though. Especially like to hear of all you breastfeeding success stories!

Secur, eating well is good for you, but it won't improve your breast milk - neither will eating badly make it worse - it is as it is and is near identical for every woman. Rhubarb meant that if you baby had colic or was very windy it might be because she doesn't like something in your diet. But if she's not crying inconsolably in the evening it's not usually defined as colic as such. If she's putting on weight and sleeping well, believe me, you make enough milk.

I wouldn't bother expressing until your other problems have died down - unless you need to get a bit out to ease pressure if your supply is really good. oh and I now look at pictures of dd2 when I'm expressing (I work 3 days a week) which help nicely with the let down...

and try to keep up your fluids, I find if I don't drink enough it does affect my supply.

hi Seren00, you are doing a fantastic job and your little girl sounds like she's thriving now. I got a bit over the top with expressing when ds was same age as your dd. I found that relaxing on that front helped psychologically. the whole faffing around with sterlising etc. was taking its toll. its interesting, i'm from NZ where everyone bf's and no-one ever doubts their ability to produce enough milk. its natures way, we are designed to be able to nurture our babies. trust your instincts and trust everyone on mumsnet who say it gets easier. i had sore nipples for quite a while also but it all comes right. sorry to hear that your partner isn't so supportive but hang in there, its worth it. water really helps the supply, drink truck loads of it. good luck, don't give up!!!

Seren00 - congrats on you new baby! Thought I would add my twopenny. I DID have a supportive partner, but NOT a supportive mother who stayed with us when ds1 was born, and who never breastfed. She was constantly trying to get me to give him a bottle (he was a big baby and fed pretty much constantly). She took this to mean he was always hungry and even told me when he would cry after a feed that she 'felt sorry for him' (did nothing for my confidence). I stuck to my guns and used the NCT Breastfeeding helpline (let me know if you do not have their number) which was fantastic. I rang them SO much in the early days as I was constantly being told that I did not have enough milk. The counsellor kept telling me that I did and to keep putting baby to the breast to build up the supply (BTW it worked!)
You are doing SO well. Stick with it.
PS the counsellor kept coming back to the latch and getting that right (baby and I got there in the end); it is SO important for both comfort and supply. A correct latch will ensure a comfortable experience and that the breast is FULLY emptied at each feeding (baby gets lots of richer hindmilk, baby is more likely to be satisfied and the breast makes more milk to replace)
PSS Remember that the breast is never actually 'empty'; baby will always get something

Hi Seren00 - your milk is fine and your dd is gaining weight - so your milk is all she needs. I think your dp needs to talk to some of the breastfeeding counsellors too - so that he can learn about it all.

You're doing fine and your dd sounds lovely. Good luck.

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I've just started expressing to improve my supply. My ds is now six weeks and going through a growth spurt. I've noticed that his 10.30am feed does not last him through his afternoon nap and he's waking up in the middle of it still hungry. This also happens after his 10.30pm feed, it used to last him until 3am but now he's waking earlier to be fed. So I'm expressing at 10am and giving him the milk I've expressed just before I put him down for his nap as a top-up. Then I'll express at 8pm and give him that milk after his 10.30pm feed, again as a top-up. Hopefully after a few days I can stop the expressing and my breasts should be fuller for those two feeds and satisfy his hunger.

Of course, if you are breastfeeding on demand then this wouldn't be a problem as you'd just feed more often. But I do believe that you can improve your milk supply in this way and would recommend it.

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not much to add to other excellant advice but just to say that you doing a fantastic job seren00, and your breastmilk IS enough - it's not fair of your DP to say that. The first few weeks with a newborn baby can be hell but it WILL get better, easier, less worrying. Please hang in there and do try to explain to DP how you feel. Would he agree to speak to a BF counsellor or read more about the subject? so he can appreciate that what you are saying to him is correct.