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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Failed breast feeder feels guilty

28 replies

Joshjunior · 21/01/2004 22:20

First, apologies for any mistakes, I am both an internet and mumsnet 'virgin'. My ds was born 17 days late by emergency section. I had breast feeding problems from the start and only appeared to produce a few drops. Everyone reassured me all would be fine. ds ended up in SCBU on a drip 7 days later with severe dehydration. He was put onto formula while I continued to both bfeed and express. ds then started vomiting and was readmitted. He was declared cow protein intolerant. I worked hard to relactate and started to breast feed again (still producing pitiful amounts) ds started vomiting again and was then declared breast milk intolerant. He is now on Neocate. Has anyone else had this problem? I feel very guilty at not being able to breast feed him as it was very important to me to do so.

OP posts:

aloha · 21/01/2004 22:37

Please, please don't feel guilty. You went to hell and back and your poor little boy couldn't have your milk for reasons that are no fault of yours. If he is milk intolerant then you couldn't have breastfed him to his benefit whatever happened. You are doing the absolute best for him and I'm sure he will now thrive. Breastfeeding is great IMO but it is still only a tiny part of lifelong parenting. You worked so hard. You have nothing to blame yourself for.

hewlettsdaughter · 21/01/2004 22:39

Hi Joshjunior - welcome. I just wanted to say (as I am sure everyone else will) that it's NOT your fault, so you should try not to feel guilty. Sounds like you and ds have had a pretty rough time of it. I hope things get better for you both.

bunnyrabbit · 21/01/2004 22:42

JoshJunior,
I have not experienced the problems you have, so can only sympaphise that your first few weeks with your son have been so awful for you both.

I can however totally understand about being unable to breastfeed. My DS just couldn't. I spent 4 days in hospital (I hate hospitals!) and had 3 visits from the BF counsellor and after 3 weeks of bleeding nipples and mastitus I had to stop for the sake of my own health as well as his.

I can honestly say they were the worse 3 weeks of my life, and I'm 36 so that's a lot of life!!

I cried for days and couldn't bear to talk about anything to do with feeding as I felt I had failed in my duty as a mother.

COMPLETE RUBBISH!!

Breastfeeding is important, but it's not the be all and end all of being a mother. There is so much more. The smiles, the tears, the weaning the sleeping (ha ha).

If it wasn't for mumsnet I really don't think I would have made it through. It was so important for me to breastfeed too. I've had these damn melons for so long I always kidded myself that I'd be able to breastfeed my kids and everyone else too, but it just wasn't meant to be.

You have already shown your devotion to your son by what you have both been through. you have so much to look forward to, and believe me, it does get better from here on.

My sincerest best wishes

bunnyrabbit · 21/01/2004 22:43

Sorry for the long post, but this brought back so many memories of the anguish I felt, and everything is so wonderfull now....

WideWebWitch · 21/01/2004 22:56

Agree with everyone, don't feel guilty! Welcome to mumsnet.

Epigirl · 21/01/2004 23:00

Joshjunior, I haven't had any experience like yours (thank goodness, it sounds like you've really been through it) but would like to offer you my best wishes anyway. Parenthood does seem to heap guilt on is all for one thing or another, usually misplaced. Surely the reason you feel so guilty is that you love your ds so much and you're such a good mum?

Please try not to feel guilty (easier said than done, I know), yes bf is great if you can do it but it's just a small portion of their life as a whole. x

JanH · 21/01/2004 23:12

Oh, sweetheart, he was breastmilk intolerant? No, guilt not allowed, you have tried so hard!

I have had 4 kids, all elective C sections and rubbish feeders + I didn't make enough milk either and they all went on to formula after a couple of hungry weeks. I felt guilty too, it's partly hormonal, but it is a little-publicised fact that some women just don't make enough milk (you as well as me from the sound of the few drops) and having a baby who is breastmilk intolerant too just caps it. You did your best, he had some colostrum anyway and he will be fine.

busymom · 21/01/2004 23:24

Joshjunior, definetely don't feel guilty. I know a number of people that didn't even attempt to breast feed their children and they turned out just fine. My mother didn't breast feed me or my brother and we don't have any allergies at all. It's okay you tried but it definitely isn't for everyone.

bobthebaby · 21/01/2004 23:29

Josh Junior welcome to mumsnet. You definitely haven't failed at anything. Your ds will do really well on neocate, thank goodness they found out what was wrong.

When you say it was important to you - what exactly do you mean? Sorry if this is nosey, but I'm just curious.

mears · 22/01/2004 00:09

Josh Junior - please to not feel guilty for something you had no control over. Yes you will see lots of information about breastfeeding here and you will often read that breastmilk is best for babies. However, that is only when it works for mother and baby. When it doesn't, formula is the recommended milk for babies. You had lots of difficulties to overcome that were outwith your control. Try not to think of it as failure - in your circumstances it wasn't to be. You certainly are not failing to provide nourishment for your baby. Welcome to mumsnet.

Marina · 22/01/2004 09:26

Welcome to Mumsnet Joshjunior and just to reiterate what the others have said, breastfeeding is great when it works, but sometimes it really doesn't, especially when mother and baby have so much else on their plates. Thank goodness for Neocate when babies are born milk intolerant like your little ds.
How old is he now? How are you both doing? Sounds like you had a rocky start, hope things are going better for you all now.

motherinferior · 22/01/2004 09:33

Oh sweetheart, every mother feels guilty for something, believe me. Please please please don't let this spoil things for you. It is so difficult with a small baby, please don't let this upset you so much.

tiktok · 22/01/2004 10:03

You have had a horrible fright, JJ....seeing your baby on a drip and dehydrated is horrible.....this is a sign that feeding was not going well at all, and the professionals around you failed to pick this up. Mothers who have never fed before don't always spot this - the baby is at the breast and all seems ok, and they are not told how else to check that feeding is sufficient. But too many health professionals - who have seen 1000s of babies and should know better - miss the signs of a baby who's not doing well. This is emphatically not your fault, anymore than the fact he was born cows milk intolerant is your fault.

You may feel you have moved on, or want to move on and put the experience behind you, but you don't say how old your baby is. Being breastmilk intolerant is vanishingly rare - how confident are you in that diagnosis? You might want to think about relactating again - it might be possible. OTOH, you may decide not to. Either way, guilt is unnecessary and gets in the way of enjoying the good bits about being a mum!!!

And there are lots

Blu · 22/01/2004 10:58

Hello JoshJunior, and big congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby. I agree with TikTok, you were badly let down by the professionals around you, and it must have been very frightening. But now, get on and enjoy your little one guilt-free. Remember that the campaigning and emphasis in favour of bf is aimed at those who could but don't consider it - it isn't meant to guilt-trip people like you who tried and found it not possible! Your baby will be healthy and happy. My Mum couldn't bf, and I was in the English Athletics squad as a teenager!

And welcome to MN - let us know how your DS progresses. Now go and join some frivolous thread about cake or something!

oliveoil · 22/01/2004 11:11

Formula feeding your baby does NOT mean that you love your baby any less or are doing 'badly' by it instead of not breastfeeding. You will find you get hit over the head with 'breast is best breast is best' which is all very well, but it is NOT best if it is making the mother feel usless/distressed at not being able to satisfy their baby.

Chin up, don't feel guilty and trawl this site, its FULL of good advice from far more knowledgeable people than me who will put your mind at rest. Welcome to mumsnet, you will now become an addict like the rest of us.

rainbow · 22/01/2004 11:32

Haven't read all this thread but don't feel guilty Joshjunior. My Grandma always told me if you try you best and can do no more then even if things haven't gone according to plan you haven't failed. Failure is not trying to achieve you goal, and from what I have read you did try you very best.

rainbow · 22/01/2004 11:33

You make the best you can from what you've got.

Blackduck · 22/01/2004 11:40

Agree with everyone here you are not a failure....One of my best friends tried to bf for many months. Her babe cried and cried, she got no sleep....finally after a particularly harrowing night where she had shaken her dd she took herself off to the Dr, who said 'you can't do it, that child is starving, stop punishing yourself. Buy a bottle and formula on the way home and get on with your life'. She did, dd now 28 and a perfectly happy adult. My DP and his brother and sister were all bottle fed - all healthy and normal (well not so sure about the last bit....!)

Kayleigh · 22/01/2004 11:45

Joshjunior, I couldn't breastfeed my ds1 as he just would not take to it. I opted not to breastfeed ds2 as I hadn't breastfed ds1. My boys are both very happy and very healthy.
Please do not beat yourself up about this. You are a good mother.

secur · 22/01/2004 12:18

Message withdrawn

wilbur · 22/01/2004 12:27

Hi joshjunior and welcome. What happened to your ds is the same as happened to me at birth, terrible cramps and vomiting even on b/f, then given cows milk, huge reaction totally rejecting everything and ended up in hospital for months. This was 1968 so it took them a while to work out what was going on. Just say that I was fine eventually and grew out of my allergy and became a very fat and happy baby. It must have been so tough for you, but please everyone is right about not feeling guilty and I hope you feel better soon and really enjoy your little boy. All the best.

princesspeahead · 22/01/2004 12:28

poor you joshjunior - I was unsuccesful in bf all my three, despite trying hard with all. I just didn't produce enough milk/they had funny latches and couldn't get it out, one or the other. But again my babies all just lost weight when I was bf, and with my first it also got to the stage where she was admitted to hospital and I was told to give her formula or she would be drinking with a tube through her nose! It isn't fair, and you do feel terribly guilty, but it really isn't your/our fault. Especially in your case where you have an intolerant baby! But I felt almost as guilty with the third as I did with the first. Just remember that your baby is now on what is best for him, that in a few weeks you will just be so delighted to see how well he is thriving, and as someone else just said, bf is a very small part of parenting. Have a really good cry and then start to look forward! Worked for me. hugs

Finbar · 22/01/2004 12:54

I was unsuccessfu too with both my chldren - I REALLY tried and had nearly every Midwiffe in the County try and get them latched on.

I suffered mastitis again and again. With my second , it got so bad that I developed and abcess in my breast and had to have emergeny operation to remove all the gunk - still have the scar today, though obviousy I tell everyone it was from a Shark bite wheln I was snorkelling off the Barrier Reef!!!

Please don't feel guilty - it's just a small phase in the whole of your baby's life(and yours).

ThomCat · 22/01/2004 13:02

You poor things.
I can't see why you would feel guilty - you did everything you could, and then some.
It's not your fault. I know it was important to you, but you really tried and it's just not possible. You little boy is allergic to breast milk - how is that YOUR fault, please don't feel guilty? If anything feel bad about wasting precious time feeling guilty!!!! Now go and give him a big cuddle and stop beating yourself up. With a mum like you to love him he's going to be just fine

Original poster

Joshjunior · 22/01/2004 21:42

A big THANKS to all of you that have taken the time to reply. I must admit to shedding a tear or two. I really didn't expect quite so many responses. Please forgive me for not answering you all, but to reply to a few questions, ?why was it improtant to breast feed.To be honest I'm not quite sure. I think it was just shoved down my throat so much that I expected anything else to be neglecting my duty as a mother. By the way, ds is now 9 weeks old and has just passed the 8lb barrier, hooray! As far as the diagnosis is concerned, I'm pretty sure this is OK as I had even gone dairy free to ensure I didn't pass on any dairy 'bits' to ds. So the only thing that had changed re feeding was the breast milk. He was better within 2 days of stopping and has been OK since. Again, a big thanks for the emotional prop - I think I can move on to enjoying ds now.

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