Am I a huge failure as a mother?

[GGgowiththeflow]

So, my son is now 30 months and he is still breastfeeding. Still not sleeping through the night (at all). Still not potty trained. Still not eating with a fork or spoon. Still likes to be carried ALOT.

I thought I'd be a great mum. But how have i let these normal milestones elude me?

As my nickname suggests I see myself as someone who can 'go with the flow' and that has been my attitude to breastfeeding and other issues. My son is not badly behaved, he doesn't hit or bite. He is friendly and chatty with other adults. He plays nicely on his own with his toys. He eats a reasonably varied diet (lots of veg and carbs, not so good at protein like cheese or chicken). He laughs alot and his talking is coming on in exciting ways now (he said "the bowl is empty now" when we were baking together earlier - i thought that was clever?)

I have not used any kind of plan or conscious tactics with him as regards sleeping or breastfeeding or eating or potty training. I thought I would see the moments to act and we would work together to move forward. But he seems perfectly happy to stay still, stay like a baby.

I'm not particularly keen on 'super nanny' type tactics, although i do respect that postition, it just isn't 'me'. But i am starting to worry that i am letting my son down in some way.

Am i damaging him irreparibly by not helping him move on to these stages? Will he be lost at nursery? Have i given him too much freedom? Is he just 'taking advantage?'

I have had a stressful year - my dad died of cancer, we moved back with my mum because of money issues (she is NOT a hands on Granny btw) and we are currently renting one room in a friend's flat while we look for a place of our own as my husband finally has fulltime employment.

Does my inner stress at the situation affect my son? Does my emotional state affect him even if i don't show him how i'm feeling and act normal? Does moving homes alot affect a toddler to this extent?

Please don't judge me! I need advice.

I'll judge you - you sound like a brilliant mum! Seriously sounds like you have take his lead and he is confident and a nice wee bloke! Excuse typos using phone while bfing.

Chill out. My ds1 wasn't potty trained until 34 months and it took 5 days for day and night dryness, boys can be later. Do you want him in his own bed or is he still cosleeping? You can help him sleep though if you both want, he's of an age where you can do cc because he'll process why you're saying and understand it. You are not a bad mother.

He sounds lovely and very normal for his age re potty training etc.

My dd is 26mths and can use cutlery but prefers to use her hands.

Bfeeding etc all normal and very good for him and you :)

You are happy, he is happy so all good!

Your relaxed approach and bfeeding will.have helped him.cope with the upheaval of moving as he obviously has very secure attachment to you :)

Re night time feeding etc if you want to stop that there are gentle methods to do so, you dont have to resort to cc.

So, you have a healthy, well behaved, sociable, laughing, talking little 2 and a half year old and you think you may have done something wrong?
Erm, short answer is No.
I think you are overly anxious due to your stressful year.
If you want to start pushing some of these milestones, then give it a whirl, encourage his use of a spoon and introduce the potty.
I didn't attempt potty training my dc until she was your son's age so I don't think you need to panic about that.

At 30 months DD1 was eating with a fork/spoon, was potty trained and was saying complex sentences. But then she slept through from week 2 and was formula fed.

DD2 is still young, but shes not really meeting her milestones and still isnt sleeping through (only 16 weeks but the polar opposite to DD1).

It really does depend on the child. It doesnt mean you are a failure as a mother. Your little boy sounds happy and healthy and thats the important part.

Have you tried potty training? Or giving him a fork?

Your go with the flow attitude seems to be working.
My only concern is that you might need to devote a little bit of time to yourself to decompress a wee bit.

You sound like me - I really used to fret about DD at around 2 as she was breastfeeding all day and all night, barely ate solids, woke through the night unless asleep on the boob, carried everywhere, only ever wanted me etc etc. I thought I was too lazy to be a parent as I hadn't dealt with any of these things.

I ended up weaning her off breastfeeding and potty training when she was 2 and 4 months because I got pregnant and couldn't cope with stinky nappies and all day feeding anymore. That was the only reason though!

She is nearly 3 now and still wakes and comes into our bed every night - I've stopped caring though

Hi GG! You sound like a lovely mum, responsive and caring.

I didn't breastfeed so no advice on that but imo 30 months would be quite young for a boy to be potty trained so I wouldn't worry about that. (On average, girls tend to be ready slightly earlier). With my DS (now 12) I didn't start til he was 3 and he wasn't really ready then.

And don't tell anyone but I often feed my 4.7 DD her dinner because she would sit and look at it til it congealed and went off and I give in before she does. I do worry about it sometimes but I doubt I'll be still feeding her her dinner when she's 20!

You sound like you're doing a very good job in the face of some difficult circumstances. I doubt he does pick up on your stress tbh. Children are mostly (and of course naturally and rightly) self-absorbed and as long as they are fed and kept clean and loved and cuddled, all is right with their world!

He hasn't missed any milestones, you sound great together. He sounds lovely, you will look at him in five years and wonder where your baby went.

He sounds lovely. Congratulations on BFing for so long. Don't worry about any of those things - he won't be doing them when he's 15!

He probably won't make any moves towards potty training if he doesn't see anything to do with it around - how would he know? It's not too young to start making plans in that direction. You can buy a potty and toilet seat and start talking about big boy pants and how big boys don't wear nappies even if you're not planning on plonking him on it any time soon. I think we had a potty around for months before training. Nursery would probably prefer it if he were out of nappies when he starts so that's something to work towards.

Do you give him a fork or spoon? How does he eat yoghurt or cereal? Set it out for him at meal times and ask if he wants to give it a go.

How is he around other children?

Toddlerhood is only a stage invented by cloth manufacturers, in other cultures under3s are still babies. You are providing secure attachment at a time of stress, it's the best thing you can do. He in no way is taking advantage, whatever he seeks is fulfilling a need (ykwim, not talking about sweets here). You are doing great!

*clothes...

Wow what alot you've had to cope with. Please don't worry about him, my view tends to be will he still be doing this at 18? And gerally no matter what the question the answer is no

Thanks for the support and advice.

re. potty training, we've had a potty around since he was about 18 months! And a loo seat. He went through a phase of sitting on his loo seat but he would just day dream and not use the toilet. And then he didn't want ot sit on it anymore. And he thinks any suggestion of the potty is a game. He runs away laughing or throws the potty across the room. So I stopped mentioning it. I'm glad to hear that at this age it is actually normal.

And spoon and fork wise - he can use a spoon but gets bored very very quickly and squirms off his chair. So i just do it for him or it's finger food (even then i have to put the food in his hand after his initial interest wanes). With a fork, even a small one, he tended to poke himself alot, but he may have improved his coordination now.

TheCountessOleska - thanks for sharing your experience which does sound like mine! I hope i'll be as chilled as you in time. I'm hoping when we're sttled into a new place i'll be able to be firmer about night feeds and wean him off them over time (here's hoping!).

Yes i do need time out to take stock and stop worrying too much. it won't help anyone really will it?

Thanks again.

oh and Noblegiraffe, about how he is around other kids -

He loves older children 4/5 upwards (especially my 17 year old brothers friends who play lego with him. and his big cousins)

other toddlers and babies he can take or leave really. He obviously not an amazing sharer yet but he doesn't hit out. A little boy snaffled a little ride on thomas the tank engine from him at the library last week and he turned it in to a game - chasing the boy and laughing. So i'm not too worried there. Although spending time with other children of any age more often would probably be good for him but it's made more sense financially for him to be at home with me and because we thought staying with my mum would be short term we didn't join any toddler groups or anything. I wish we had now.

You sound lovely, relaxed and responsive.

In terms of the fork and knife/toilet training etc, it may help if he does see other children close to his age or a tiny bit older doing these things.