Can't decide when to stop breastfeeding

[GentlyGentlyOhDear]

DD is now 9 months and ebf, but I'm having a wobble about when to stop breastfeeding. I don't really want to go on past a year, as I don't want her to get used to using the boob for comfort and then me taking it away and I don't want to be used as a dummy by an older baby when out and about - I don't mind just a morning and night feed, but I don't think she will settle for that.

I'm wondering if it will be easier for her to switch to formula now while she is a bit younger? I'm scared that it will be more distressing for her the older she gets and reaslises mummy isn't letting her have the boob anymore. She already is rather possessive of my chest and just pulls my top down of her own accord and lunges at me! I just don't think she will take it very well at whatever age I stop

She is intolerant to dairy so I can't just switch straight to cow's milk at 1 year, as this was my initial plan when feeding - go to a year and then switch to cow's milk.

I think you'll find that as she gets older and more active other things will take her attention when out. I fed dd3 to 2 years and 3 months with morning and evening feeds only from 18 months and she never asked when we were out during the day. I don' think you'll find it easy at all to switch her to formula as she obviously enjoys bfeeding and she isn't dim. She will know the difference now just as much as she would do in a few months.
Can I be blunt? I'm speaking as a mother of three and my oldest is 14. I assume this is your first baby? I know I feel very differently about bfeeding now than I did when my first two were little. I enjoyed it but I felt like it was going to go on forever. With dd3 I went on for much longer and really value that time. In the end I felt I'd had enough and she was of an age where it was possible to agree to stop after we'd missed a few bedtime feeds (partly by me going out for a walk at the critical time and leaving dh to it!) Your baby is much, much younger and I find the idea of you withdrawing the comfort and nourishment she gets a bit distressing almost. I think the way to go is to look for a mutual agreement almost (I know that sounds very lentil weaving!) So what I'm saying is in your shoes I would carry on with morning and evening, distracting her during the day. Don't worry about particularly the bedtime feed partly being for comfort. Why shouldn't a loved and treasured child find comfort in being physically close to her mother? The first sound she ever heard was your heartbeat after all. HTH

I see what you're saying about giving her the comfort and nourishment and it is my first baby, but it does feel like it could go on forever. I'm a bit offended and upset that you think it is distressing for me to have fed and nourished her excusively myself for 9 months and to now want to wind it down! And I'm asking for suggestions to try to make the transition as easy as possible.

Well ok then. I was trying to say that you can wind it down over a longer period and that from my perspective I think that would be easier for both of you. That's my transition advice.
Honestly I know it feels like a long time and neverending but my advice is that it is actually neither of those things. You've done great to EBF her up to now, I just think it's a shame if you're starting to think negatively about it as it seemed to me that you were? I'm sorry my response upset you. If you want to stop probably the easiest thing is to remove yourself from the equation altogether. If you're there at the feed times she will want you not a bottle.

It hit a nerve because I feel guilty that I'm not enjoying feeding her anymore. I want to be able to wear my own clothes and not have to worry about easy access to the boob. I know that probably sounds selfish.
At what age can I start refusing to give daytime feeds? Could I just offer food or water when she tries to feed or is this cruel? I think that is the issue for me.

I am in the same situation GentlyGently . DD is 10 months and I am trying to stop bf.

It is making me very but it has to be done because I am returning to work soon and she will go to nursery and also I want to try to conceive DC2 before I am too old (I'm 40 this year).

DD is currently getting one bottle of formula a day which DH feeds her when he gets home from work. It used to be ebm but I stopped pumping at 7 months. I bf morning and evening and a couple of other times a day, if sheis interested, but mostly she prefers solids now anyway. I will keep the morning and evening feeds for as long as I can (I will probably have to stop if I need IVF treatment) but she takes very little in the evening already.

I think DD will lose interest before I do

Gently, from what you say, you want to stop/wind down, and you want to do it kindly and gently for your baby, with the least possible distress and impact.

In that case, NorthernLurker's ideas make a lot of sense.

I don't agree that you will need to be away from her in the day when she wants a feed - in fact, removing yourself and the breastfeeding at this age (prime age for needing stability and constancy - it's why babies get 'clingy' at this age) is a double whammy. Instead of refusing, use the fact that you are older and cleverer than her to anticipate when she might want to feed, and be doing something else distracting, enjoyable, or edible :) at that time. You won't get away with it every time - when she shows signs of distress and needing a bf, accept it, and accept that it may take a couple of weeks or more to really substitute formula for breast (try a cup, BTW, not a bottle, rather than trying to teach her to use a bottle at this stage).

Hope this helps.

Can you give her (soya) formula during the day, eg once in the afternoon, if she wants it (or if she's feeding more frequently, just gradually substitute each feed for an alternative)? In a sippy cup if she doesn't take a bottle. If you're firm about it, she'll soon get used to the idea that bf is just for morning/night in her room. She won't necessarily want it though, mine didn't at this age. But yes, of course she can have water instead (in fact probably a good idea to offer it with lunch and snacks anyway, so she's used to drinking good amounts from it). I'm assuming she is taking to solids well and no weight gain issues?

I did this with both dds, wound down to morning/night feeds from around this age, then cut out the morning feed when we were ready (gave milk in a sippy cup instead), and then, gulp, cut out the bedtime feed at around a year (got them used to sippy cup of milk with solid tea, so they'd already had a good amount of milk, and then just decided on the night when they seemed like they'd go to sleep anyway).

This was with ebm and/or hypo allergenic formula btw. Although from age 1, alpro now do a special soya milk that is suitable (rather than using hypo or soya formula).

And don't feel bad about wanting to stop bf, it doesn't mean you love her less, you're just ready to move on to the next phase of your/her life. No biggie.

Thanks,
Mewling DD LOVES food, so I'm hoping that as she takes on more, she won't want as much from me. She usually has 2 or 3 daytime feeds, a bedtime and a middle of night feed and a morning one. It is just the daytime ones that are a problem. I'm also starting back at work this month and will be away for 2 full days a week so don't want her to struggle.

tiktok I think I might keep offering more snacks at the peak times. I stupidly hadn't even thought of that! Should I offer formula in a cup as a 'snack' when she would usually want to feed? She has had a bit of soya formula mixed in with cereal before so hopefully she will recognise the taste.

I also struggle with the fact that her afternoon feed is usually to try to get to sleep and if I stop feeding her when she drops off she screams blue murder and won't go back to sleep. I suppose I could feed her then put her straight into the pushchair and go for a walk as that helps her drop off.

Thanks brain. I didn't realise that alpro do a special milk too - can I just get that from the normal supermarkets? I would actually feel a lot better doing that than giving her formula, iykwim. Nothing wrong with formula, obviously, but it is a thing I had in my head to get to a year and then give normal milk.

I went to work when dd was 10 months and EBF. In the day she had expressed milk and I feed her when at home.

She only feeds before naps. She doesn't feed for comfort as in when she's hurt or when we're out. The world is too interesting and she prefers her dummy (ironically makes me feel :( )

So you could restrict feeds to certain times and wear high cut tops so she can't grab boob easily. Then drop each feed over time by swapping with milk feed and a snack?

But 9 months is a time for developmental leaps etc so might not be easy.

Yes, if you go to the alpro site it'll say which supermarkets stock it. Annoyingly it only became available after I'd finished a 3 year odyssey of hypo formula-making!

If you are going back to work, perhaps you could start giving ebm or formula during the day and keep the morning and evening bf a while longer. You may find she is happy to give up the boob during the day, especially if she is enjoying solid food.

I went back to work after 8 months and DS had one bottle of milk (formula till 1yr obv) while I was at work and BF morning, afternoon and evening- and all day at weekends. Wish I had just done it instead of googling and reading MN (endlessly..!) because I felt it would be a huge drama/ let down/ upsetting for us both etc. and it was fine and barely noticed what with food, moving around and life in general to distract him. Took all of a couple of days and he was v settled on it before I went back to work.
I also couldn't decide when to give up fully/ what to do/ how to do it and again my over reliance on t'internet was pointless as DS said 'milk' (meant 'not BM' to him) at an evening feed aged 15 months and, bar a few nights of trying to persuade him otherwise, that was that! Felt sad but relieved that he had made the choice himself and avoided my poor decision making skills!!

Same as Iggly here - with DS1 went back to work at 10 months, gave EBM during the day and had BF at home. He dropped the expressed bottle at around a year and then was perfectly happy with just morning and evening after that with the odd daytime feed at weekends. I was back in "normal" clothes full time for over a year before he weaned completely as he completely stopped looking for milk during the day/out and about at weekends after 18 months, and to be honest I could probably have distracted him from it with snacks/activities even earlier than that. I definitely didn't get the "much harder/more distressing to wean after a year" thing. In fact when he weaned completely I think it was probably tougher on me...

9 months is a bit of a funny age for introducing big changes, IIRC - there's a lot going on developmentally so babies can get a bit clingy, as someone mentioned above. I'd recommend going slowly for the sake of baby and your boobs. The upside of later in the first year is that it's when I found DS1 really got into solids so it's easier to replace milk feeds with other foods.

Thanks for the advice and experiences. I didn't realise 9 months was a tricky age, but she is starting to get a bit more clingy and feeding more than a month or so ago so I suppose the separation anxiety might be setting in.

I think I might wait until she gets to a year and then substitute daytime feeds with the alpro milk, but leave formula with MIL when I am at work. She could always have a milky porridge maybe if she refused the milk from a cup. I'll also try upping her snacks to see if that makes a difference.

I am probably overthinking things and making myself more stressed about it like you say binky!

Sounds like a plan It is hard to see how things might change sometimes when you're in the middle of it. Don't forget to treat yourself to new non nursing bras when you get to the end point! I did and it took dh giving me some bravissimo vouchers AND a trip to London to prompt me

Night and morning and just night in the week is all too sustainable.

Ask DD2 who did this for more years than I am allowed to tell you

DC2 is also 9 months and has in the last week or so stopped taking a daytime feed so now has morning and night bf only. DC1 was exactly the same by this age. I am back at work so this works out perfectly. If DC 2 is really upset I'll feed him but I won't offer. He gets snacks and water during day around the time he would normally feed which seems to satisfy his hunger

Try not to stress too much about how you might be feeding your dd in a few months. At 9mo my DS was still nursing like crazy, he's almost 13mo now and he has a bf first thing in the morning and at bedtime. The rest of the time he has cows milk from a sippy cup, sometimes he will go the entire day without a bf, other days he might want one or two but only if we are at home, he never asks for bf when we are out. Like a pp said I only bf him in the day if he asks for it (pulls at my top) or if he's very upset, other times he's fine with milk in a cup and snacks .