Is it too much to ask for some support?

[Chloe55]

My beautiful baby is 4 days old, I really struggled to feed ds1 6yrs ago but persevered for 4weeks, I found it emotionally and physically challenging-bad latch, mastitis, pnd and really beat myself up when I eventually gave up. When I switched to bottle and formula dh would comment how lovely it was to be able to feed ds himself and how much better I seemed to not have to deal with it anymore etc etc.

Anyway, I think dh presumed I'd feed the colostrum this time round then switch to formula. I did explain before dd was born that wasn't the case and that I'd really like to give bf another go, would feed for as long as I was able but wouldn't get myself stressed if it didn't work out and would be more comfortable in knowing that I'd at least given it a go. Dh commented that if he didn't get the opportunity to feed her then he would be really missing out on that 'bonding time'. I was a little taken aback as thought that he'd want dd to have the best I am able to offer regardless of what that means for which care tasks we get between us.

Anyway, as to be expected my nipples hurt like hell, my breasts feel like they will explode, I'm knackered, I feel gutted when dd throws up my milk seconds after being fed etc etc. I was prepared for this, I'm coping well with it as I know its not gonna be like this all the time, I'm taking each day at a time. I am not prepared for the lack of support. I was going to meet a friend for an hour tonight (on dh's suggestion) however, dd last fed at 3.30am, fell asleep and didn't wake in time for me to feed her before I left. I attempted to express but failed miserably so gave it up as a bad job and decided not to go for fear of dd waking and needing feeding whilst I was out. Dh suggested he give her a formula feed which I flatly refused to allow, he then got stroppy that I couldnt express so he couldn't feed her and he's basically made me feel like shit for wanting to do my best. I am so upset, we have sat in silence for 2 hours and he's just shook his head and left the room as I've tried to get her to latch on (badly I might add :-()

For everything else dh is great, we had a wonderful hypnobirth and he was brilliant throughout but right now I feel so alone.

That should say she fed 3.30pm, not am!!

you need to talk to your DH

he shouldn't be sulking, he should be supporting you

Why is he so fixated on feeding?

there are a million ways he can bond without feeding - have a bath with her, let her sleep on his chest, carry her in a sling, sing to her, talk to her

I BF my DD for 3 years and DH is very bonded with her

He was very supportive of me and that was very important for feeding working for us

he shouldn't be giving you the silent treatment - you've just given birth FFS!

i do think that attempting to go out was probably a bit ambitious and expressing isn't ideal when your baby is so tiny as it can take a while to get the hang of it, and your supply to be established

talk to him but he needs to stop behaving like a baby himself

Well done for persevering

Does he realise he can bond with her by holding her when she's not feeding. I ebf my 3 and DH was great at the nappies and cuddles in between and definitely bonded despite not feeding them even expressed milk for 3 months.

I know he's probably tired and overwhelmed but he is being very childish. And yes, you should be getting more support.

Can you talk to him when he calms down / stops sulking?

X posted with Ruby big time!

chloe It sounds like you are doing so well with the bf, what a shame your DH is not being as supportive as he might.

As others have said, you need to talk to him, although given the lack of sleep etc, finding a chance to do that when he is not sulking and both of you are not exhausted could be tricky!

Can you find out the details of a local breastfeeding support group near you? I know the ones in our area are still running over the Christmas/New Year period. If DH is on holiday or paternity leave, maybe see if you can get him to go along with you. They usually welcome dads. He might get the chance to find out a bit more about ways he can support you, ways he can bond with your new lovely daughter, and to see that actually it is a normal thing to do.

Congratulations on your lovely baby - you are doing a good thing.

I tried to talk to him about the whole bonding thing before she was even born. He is great with her (as he was with ds) and does baths/cuddles/singing/nappy changes etc) he just doesnt get how important I see bf as being. His attitude is very much 'i was formula fed, what's the big deal?'

I wasn't keen to go out to be honest but dh suggested it would do me good to have an hour to myself, it wasn't out out-it was up the road to see a friend for a quick cuppa but I'm certainly not bothered I couldn't go.

He is being very childiish, isn't he?

He is being ridiculous, and very horrible to you.

Maybe your DH feels upset that he can't help you with something you are struggling with? Can you reassure him that the struggling won't go on forever? At 4 days old, things are only starting out.

If you can find a local support group, they will be able to help you with your latch. Also, if DD is only 4 days old, you ought to be able to ask your midwife for some help - there should be a specialist feeding midwife at the hospital / unit who can help, too.

Yes he's being childish.

For me, BF was about how my body could continue to nourish my child, I felt it was the best way to feed. Having trouble with bf meant I felt I had failed as it was my body (not to add that my kids can't tolerate dairy so formula is not an easy solution for me).

He will only see it as a source of calories. Does he understand what it is to you?

Tell him to "man up" selfish git.

You are amazing....just keep telling yourself that!

Keep going x x x x

I'm sure there was a survey that said how important support from your DP/H was in establishing and sustaining bfing, but I can't remember where.

He is being selfish but its telling that he feels he was "formula fed so its no big deal". Maybe he sees your determination as somehow critical of hid DM? Or doesn't understand that your "failure" with your DS means you want to achieve more this time?

I always think of it like this - bm is gold, formula is silver. Nobody would turn down silver if offered for free, but who would choose silver over gold, in terms of providing a good future?

Is he totally unaware of the proven health benefits of breast feeding? Breast milk is pretty amazing stuff, far more than just a source of calories. It is very childish and selfish for him to be prioritising his own preferences over his daughters health. There are health benefits for mum too. My DD is ebf and her and her dad have an amazing bond. Op, if you want to bf you are correct in that your partner should be mire supportive.

You're certainly entitled to expect his support, no question of that. However (to play devils advocate) maybe he just genuinely doesn't understand how beneficial BF is for your baby, especially if he was FF - after all, he'll be seeing you struggling (which is probably upsetting him as he sounds like a caring DH in other respects) and he's probably thinking that he's turned out perfectly well on FF, and is therefore thinking of practical ways to ease your suffering (as men sometimes do) rather than thinking about your emotional needs. My DH was FF and he also was surprised to see me persevering with BF when it was clearly a struggle for me, as he didn't see what the big deal was with giving DS formula, and he was keen to feed DS too. He was certainly supportive of me BFing, but said he found it very hard to see me struggling so much when he knew that he could help me (by feeding DS with formula) if I'd just let him. I can see his point of view, though BF was very important to me and he understood that (because I banged on and on about it)

The benefits of BF can be extolled till we're blue in the face, but you can see how a man might reason that you're struggling, he wants to help you, he was fine on FF and therefore your baby will be too.

As the others say, best to have a chat with him when baby is sleeping, but he sounds like a good man to me, and I'm sure just reiterating (maybe several times...) to him how important BF is to you will really help. And if the feeding/bonding is very important to him, maybe letting him do a FF once a week or something might be an idea - my baby had a bit of formula occasionally too when I couldn't manage and it gave me a much needed break.

Thank you so much for your replies. He is a good man and an excellent father but as a few of you have said I think you are right, maybe he does see me struggle and just doesn't get why I don't let him help by giving ff. I definitely don't think he sees a massive difference in the 2 types of milk either-yes he gets the whole colostrum thing but then can't see the problem with changing after that.

I tried to talk to him last night, it was probably the wrong time as had been watching text Santa and was day 4 so everything and anything caused a waterfall from my eyeballs! I probably didn't get my point across very well. I explained that I was finding it a struggle and that struggle was made harder by no support or encouragement. He was quite dismissive of it saying I was being oversensitive. I told him my reasons for wanting to bf and he didn't really comment, I thunk because I got worked up he just thought I was overexagerrating and wanted to drop it. It's me who is the feisty one in our relationship-dh hates to argue so generally avoids too much confrontation which, in some respects is great for our relationship, but in the case we HAVE to discuss it. Perhaps my emotions will hold it together a bit more and I can get my point across better.

I feel better rested as apart from dh bringing dd to me for a feed at 3.30am I have slept from 1.30am-7.30am! I heard dd crying a few times aswell (she sleeps great during the day but is very unsettled on a night) so I am grateful he has left me to rest.

Ha, my OH had an obsession when wee one was 4/5 days old about the fact that I would never be able to leave our baby for more than an hour...I was ill and had no intention of getting dressed never mind leaving the house! I'm also the one who tries to talk about things while he huffs in silence, not easy.
I find I have to appeal to his ego by acknowledging he has a point so that he looks up from his paper/TV and actually listens. Maybe tell your DH that you are not against formula in principle, and of course you'll change if bf becomes unsustainable, but you're not ready to give up yet. Talk about how you and baby are learning and practising, and while it's hard just now things should improve. Tell him that your body is still getting used to bf, and starting formula for an odd bottle now could be bad for your supply. Maybe you could tell him that in six weeks if you're still bf supply will be less of a worry and he could start giving a bottle of formula or ebm each day? Give him a timescale but keep it vague, you're just trying to buy yourselves time to see how things go and you'll talk about it then.
Of course in your own head you're thinking one day at a time...when I had bf problems it was one feed at a time. Hope you're getting bf advice in RL.
He is being totally unreasonable and you are doing brilliantly...best of luck with everything!

Aside from this one thing (which admittedly is as biggie) he sounds like a keeper :).

Agree with going to a BF clinic for you AND him. I dropped in one last week and there were quite as few dads with newborns. If he sees other dads supporting their partners on this he might realise 'it's not just you'.

Congrats and GL :)

Thanks ladies. He's def a keeper, after 11 years I couldn't trade him in now Am glad I'm not the only one. He has been more understanding today. We are probably both just tired and takin it out on each other a bit.

Chloe55, I noticed you mentioned your dd had gone from 1.30-7.30 without a feed & was crying at certain points during this time. 5hrs is a long time to go between feeds for a 4 day old ebf baby. If she was crying I'd have fed her. It'll help your supply and breastfeeding success.

Don't want to add to your stress but you really need to feed on demand and frequently in the early days/weeks to establish a good supply.

Mobly-don't worry, dd hasn't gone longer than 3-4hrs without a feed, it's more like every 2-3hrs really, just re-read my op but not sure where you saw I let her go that long? I did get my ams and pms mixed up though! As an update dh has been much more supportive, especially on hearing that she is now back to her birth weight and listening to the midwife tell me what a good job I'm doing [smug face].

Ah I see where you read that-I was rested 1.30-7.30 but did mention dh brought dd up to me for a feed at 3.30am.

Hey Chloe, hope you are getting on ok. Just wanted to add that you shouldn't worry about the expressing side of things - wait a few weeks and you will have more success... My DD is nearly six months now and from about four weeks I started to express once a day - we built up a little reserve in the freezer and now DH uses the expressed milk to do a feed before he comes to bed (I go up earlier most nights). It means that we are not using formula but he still gets to join in. Your DH will just need to be a bit patient.
:)

I have a 4 day old too :).

Its way too soon to express you will end up with mastitis.

I am resigned to not going anywhere for 6 months as I hate expressing - and I've just been uninvited to a wedding (well had a text saying invites have to be printed tomorrow and what am I going to do as it's no kids).

I love BF but the first 6 weeks are HARD.

Then it's ok after that.