Breastfeeding has gone totally wrong and I am beyond devastated

[smk84]

I can't explain much more right now, I have been crying for days and can't cope very well. I am sure if you come on mumsnet you will have seen some of my posts. Ds will hardly feed from me now, most of his feeds are formula, by bottle, and I feel like part of me and part of our relationship has died. I feel like no one gets it, and I would give almost anything to be able to go back and try again, but I am in such a state that I am gonna have to give in I think. My whole world is dark right now. I can't bear changing his nappies and every feed is traumatic. Sometimes I can't look at him I feel so bad and disconnected from him. How on earth did we get here?

i cried for days and days when BF failed - you know what - it doesnt matter!

i think i worried far more about it than i should have - i could have carried on but i wittered and like you, gave more formula, less BF....

my DH thought i was mad, i cried so much about it. i had no help, i sought help from BF counsel but it was all too late....

dont beat your self up about it - seriously. DD is 15 now, couldnt give a monkeys whether i FF or BF! i did it for 2 months and so wanted to do it for much longer....but i got my knickers in a twist!

relax. in the grand scheme of things it matters not. im sure you are doing a grand job anyway. its not the be all and end all of being a mum!

Just picked up the greater detail about the low levels of help you are having - it can take a lot of organisation to self-refer when you are feeling very down and half an hour every two weeks (with someone who clearly does not understand about bf) and therapy sessions which have not helped after eight of them is so disappointing :(

If there is any real life HCP who has 'connected' with you in a way you trust, then can you see them again and explain that the help you have had so far with your emotional and mental health has just not touched the sides (as far as I can tell)....you could also try the CAMHS in your area, which is where you might find the infant mental health specialists. If not, and you are anywhere near London, try the Tavistock www.tavistockandportman.nhs.uk/ or Anna Freud centre www.annafreud.org/ or for details of therapists in public and private sectors try here www.aimh.org.uk/

I so hope you get good help - this is w...a....y beyond breastfeeding and w....a...y beyond breastfeeding counsellors' and others' scope of practice.

smk, I couldn't read and run. I've been there with the struggling to BF and that's hard enough without the PND. Others have given wise advice on getting help and I can't add much except to say that there is more to your child's life than BF. I hope you can access the help you need.

Thank you everyone. I have read all of your posts and this thread has really helped me to feel less alone. We have a depression and anxiety service here , that's the one I have had the phone call every other week from. About 2 weeks ago they moved me up to the next level of help, so I will get an hour a week of CBt soon. I am trying to find out about more specific pnd help though.
Tiktok thanks for those links I hope to find some support that way, although am not in London.
The reason I find it so upsetting about the nappies is because the formula poo is so different, and they keep exploding all over the place, and it is just a reminder to me of the change in his insides.
Ds1 wants his turn on here, will finish later .

I have found your comments so helpful.i am reading them through every day as a source of positivity. Everything had become very anxious and negative for me. I am still anxious, but trying hard to cut down on the negative feelings and thoughts. I am going to copy and paste your lovely words onto something I can see often.
On another positive, ds has gained 1 pound 6 in a week. I had always been suspicious he wasn't getting enough and this confirms it really. He is weeing and pooing more, more content, and even starting to look a bit chubby. I am feeding him to sleep and when he first wakes up and he is having 4 bottles a day. Hoping to cut down the formula once we start weaning, but like many of you have said the type of milk isn't the most important thing.
It seems there is no support specifically for pnd in my area NHS, I asked the paed at the hosp today and she asked around and no one knew of anything. I did think thought that there might be a support group on here so I will have a look.
I am starting to feel much better connected to ds now. I can play with him and stare into his eyes knowing he has had a good feed and not be watching to see if he is so hungry. I have also,been ,much more relaxed around ds1, so introducing formula has in a strange way started to turn out to have some positives. I am even going out tonight to see some friends.
Balkanscot thank you for sharing that, I knowmwhat you mean.
Manitz you made me smile I feel the same way about ds1 Whois 3.5.
Sarry I have looked up the link, thank you.

I haven't seen your other threads but clearly you've had a tough time. What shines through this thread though is your desire to take care of your son. You're doing everything you can to help yourself and him and you will get through this time. God willing you will have another 60 or 80 years mothering this child. It's a long road and what happens right now is a tiny part of your journey together.

Please don't beat yourself up. The last thing you need just now is to make yourself feel worse. I combined fed for a year with my first, and most of his milk came from formula, but the bf snuggles we had were valuable to both of us. The first bottle I gave him felt like I was giving him bleach, but, and this makes no sense - the fact that I was formula feeding him enabled me to keep breastfeeding him. That really makes no sense, but that's how it was! Take the pressure off yourself, every drop of breastmilk is valuable, but being a sane and happy mum is worth much much more. It will get better and you'll look back on this as a small part of your life together.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to think about, but I wanted to tell you what I did when DS went on nursing strike and I eventually had to fully formula feed. We used to lay down together side by side on the bed, we'd stare into each others eyes and I'd stroke his hair or face as he had his bottle of milk. It was as much, if not more of a bonding experience than BF imo, as with BF you might get one eye glancing sideways at you but baby is right down by your chest.

smk, I've seen some of your other threads and you've clearly had such a tough time. One thing that has really stood out in all your posts is how much you love your son and work so hard to do your best for him. Hopefully when things settle down and you start to feel better you'll be able to look back and see what a fantastic job you did under such difficult circumstances.

It's nice to hear that you're feeling a bit more connected to your ds today. Have you done any baby massage? I did a course at the children's centre and it was a nice way of feeling close to dd.

I hope you find the CBT useful. It's rubbish that there is no specific PND support available for you. Maybe you could find some useful support on forums or helplines? Something like this or this? Good luck with it, and I hope you enjoy your night out.

Smornin ds is 20weeks.
Thank you everyone , its interesting that many of you have commented on how much I love ds, it really made me think when you said that, and I realised that I am really negative about my mothering skills and feelings, as in I never feel what I do is good enough. Something to work on.
Alison I think it might be true for us that ff will allow us to carry on bf, ESP as I feel much less pressure on me to get it right.
Hefner, thank you for links, I will have a look. I have done massage a couple of times, I think it will be easier now ds seems content more. Poor little man isn't well today though he has nasty virus that we've all had.

Hello there,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. I was sort of where you are a couple of months ago (search Support for FF Mum to see my thread) and felt pretty horrid about BF not working out. Please please don't let this ruin your newborn time with DS - it really isn't worth it. It's just milk. BF is a bit better but I don't think it has the monumental impact that it seems to promise in the early days. Genes, who your parents are ... much more important.

You are doing your best for your baby who you love - and nobody can ask any more. You will be everything to your DS for the next 18 years at least (yes even when he's a grumpy teen ). How you fed him isn't everything. Infant milk is very good for babies. It is all they need to thrive. A perfectly good substitute. And you are mix feeding so you have nothing to feel guilty about. I was all FF two weeks in and DD is doing great!

Try to think of all the articles in the newspapers week by week about super foods etc - dark chocolate can protects from this - blueberries from that - breast milk is just a lot more emotive and it's not even as though your DS hasn't had it!!! The colostrum is the most important thing anyway!

You will get a lot of support on here. Try to look at this with a balanced view - I know it's hard.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Enjoy your beautiful little baby. All he needs is you xx

I've just read that your DS is 20 weeks and still getting breast milk - that's amazing! You have done a fabulous, fabulous job. Please be kinder to yourself :) I'd also second baby massage - so lovely for bonding.

I haven't read all the thread so forgive any repetition. I was in your position 8 years ago when breast feeding didn't work for my DS1 and I felt such a failure 'resorting' to formula. Even now when I overhear new mums complain about breastfeeding and the pints of milk they are producing I still feel a twinge of envy and guilt that I couldn't do that for my son; but what helped me 8 years ago was to realise that, yes, a bit of my body hadn't worked as it was supposed to but I could still be an excellent mother and make good choices for him even though I had to use formula.
A little while later after some thinking a found this analogy helpful. If my pancreas failed, would I feel guilty in taking insulin? Would I feel guilty wearing glasses for dodgy eyesight? I gave my son formula because my tits didn't work and he was hungry so I gave him what he physically needed.
Is it the difference in breastfed and formula poo that highlights how you feel about formula feeding that makes you dread nappy change? I hope you come to peace with the circumstances that you find yourself.

Golden and kicker thank you for your posts, you are both right. Things a settling down a bit now with dh home I am able to have a bit of time to myself which is helping.
Kicker yes it's the different poo, bm poo smells so much sweeter and looks better! I am getting used to the plasticine explosions now, and am trying to think that at least he is well fed and thriving now, and I read in another thread that bf baby poo changes when you wean anyway so hoping when we start that that it will help.
I know I keep saying it but I can't tell you how important this thread has been In helping me.

smk, don't beat yourself up about the nappies. DS is now 20 weeks isn't he? Before too long, you'll be dealing with proper poo anyway so don't worry too much about it.

Thank you show. Things are going downhill really , and really not sure what to aim for now. Our only proper feed now is middle of night or early morning, and even that is less predictably good than it was. Think I might need to start another thread!

smk84

Just noticed this thread and am so glad things are looking up. I sympathise entirely with you. I felt like double failure after DS1 in having an EMCS, then failing to bf. Later, when I was weaning I did not think what I could make for him could be good enough, that someone else knew better, so gave him lots of jars. I had mild PND/anxiety.

I promise you that you will look back and think "That was crap, but it was only a few weeks/months n the long relationship we are building together".

DS1 is 12 now and I think we are excellently attached

Oh, and I know this anecdotal, but he's really healthy, intelligent and emotionally mature

Oooh something positive about FF - looking into their eyes as you feed them

Thanks Jamie that's really encouraging. We are all ok here still, one thing I am learning about life is that things really do pass! Not out of the woods yet, but I can see daylight now :)