I just don't know what to do :(

[weeper]

DD is five weeks old. I really, really wanted to breastfeed and was prepared for it to be tough. I didn't have any idea just how tough it was going to be.

I couldn't get her to latch on for the first three weeks. She'd constantly come off and usually either start screaming, or she'd just whimper pathetically at the boob. It was a constant upsetting battle and I couldn't bear doing something that seemed to distress her so much, but everyone told me she'd eventually learn, it would be worth it, so we ploughed on.

In the meantime we fed her from cups for the first week or so, then we moved on to finger-feeding via a tube. It took a while for my milk to come in, but she's had some expressed milk every day from birth and from about 12 days she's just been having EBM.

From week three she started to get a bit better at latching on, although there wasn't a moment where 'she just got it', which I'd been led to expect would one day happen. At the beginning of last week things seemed to be going in the right direction and I managed to do a few full feeds and I ditched the top-ups and expressing for a few days. However, she could only latch onto one side (I have a bit of a flat nipple on the other side, and I just couldn't get her to go on and stay on, she'd end up screaming her head off and I'd just put her on the other boob to pacify her.)

So after a couple of days of pretty much feeding her from one boob, that side started feeling excruciatingly painful. DD has been checked several times for tongue-tie (and posterior TT) and definitely does not have one. Her suck reflex is good and her palate is fine. There seems to be no physical reason why we can't get BF going.

I was advised to try using nipple shields on my flat nipple side, which i've been doing, but I think the supply is suffering on that side. When I feed her via the nipple shield she sits on there for ages and I never hear that many encouraging sucking/feeding sounds. The other side is still very sore, and yesterday I noticed some blood in DD's sick after feeding her from that side. Today I'm back to expressing and tube feeding to try to give my nipple a rest.

But I'm just so drained, defeated and exhausted by the whole thing. Every time I think we're starting to make progress there's another massive setback, and every feeding time is so upsetting. Even when it's going 'well', I never know if she's really had enough (she never comes off looking sated, she always starts fussing and getting upset after a while).

Since the weekend, I've been seriously considering giving up and starting her on formula. The thing is, I really don't want to give up, but i don't feel like I'm mentally strong enough to keep going. I finish every feed in tears. I'm exhausted by the expressing. I'm virtually house-bound because I constantly have to feed & express. The only times we go out are to BF support groups, which I do find helpful, but now that I can't feed out my 'good' side because it's so sore and even if it wasn't I'd have to do so much work to try to get her feeding off the other side, it just feels like an insurmountable battle. I just don't know what to do. On one hand if I give up now, I feel like I've put me and DD through five weeks of misery for nothing. On the other hand, I'm starting to feel like I want to draw a line under this, move on and try to actually enjoy being my DD's mum.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and it's worked out? Should I give it a bit longer? I just feel so sad and hopeless.

Who checked for tongue tie? this thread shows how often it is missed by hcps

have a read of this They offer a virtual service for helping you identify tongue tie.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Firstly IGNORE anyone who tells you there has to be some kind of tongue-tie or other issue causing you problems. Sometimes BF just is very hard. Both times with mine I spent the first 6 weeks in agony and I only kept going because I had so much support. Somehow it resolved itself and by 2-3 months I was whipping them out and it was quick and easy, no pain, no fuss. I don't know why it changed, maybe the baby just got used to it somehow, boobs calmed down, etc. I'm not saying don't give up - you should if you want to - but you should also know it can work out from this point.

A few things - are you happy with your expressing gear etc? I used an isis hand pump and it was so easy, much, much easier than what I'd used in hospital and that really helped. Expressing routinely enough to keep your breasts balanced and not over-full makes you feel better.

Have you got lansinoh ointment for the sore one?

Could you try to set up a routine where you express and feed her during the day, and just focus on a proper BF in the evening at "bedtime" (I know that's just nominal at 5 weeks).

Maybe try to commit to another week, then see how you feel?

The other things is you're right in the most difficult part of having a newborn. You're leaking from every end, exhausted, hormonal, trudging around in tears and everything's not going by the book. No matter how much you adore your baby, it's a tough time. This just all does start to get better, really really soon - they start smiling, your routines start to come more easily, your energy returns, hormones drop off a bit, they sleep better. Your post makes me remember those first few weeks and how overwhelmed and blinded I felt and I just want to give you a massive hug. Whatever decision you make, just hang in there, because you will start to feel stronger. And you have done a wonderful thing for her by battling on with the BF until now. That's a million times better than nothing.

Having x-posted with mawbroon though I should also say I'm not ruling out tongue-tie so do take her advice!

So sorry to hear you are having such a horrible time.

I know a bit of how you feel as when I had my DS (now 22mths) I was desperate to bf. After a bad start in hospital where he ended up on formula, I spent 2 weeks expressing and back and forth to an excellent bf support group.

Despite a lot of help, nipple shields etc he never managed to feed longer than 10secs, and he only did that twice!

I could not carry on with him (and me) being so terribly upset by the whole ordeal and so I decided to ff. I felt awful about it at the time, but almost 2yrs on I have a healthy happy boy and can see that for me, it was the best decision.

Obviously everyone is different, and you should do whatever you are happy with. I just wanted to say though, please do not beat yourself up if you do decide to ff. You are still a great mum!

Maw - she's been checked about four times. First by a BF support worker in hospital, then at the cranial osteopath, and most recently by two different midwives at the BF support groups I've been going to (one of whom is supposed to be an expert at diagnosing TT), so I'm convinced that's not the problem. I wish it was something physical that could be fixed!

Begonia - thank you so much for your lovely message. It does give me hope to hear that it worked out for you, I just don't know if I've got the stamina to keep going at the moment. I'm normally a really positive and laid-back person, but this ordeal has turned me into a pessimistic, neurotic mess! I'm using a Tommee Tippee pump, which is ok (although I'm sick of the sight of the bloody thing!)

hovis - I'm glad to hear that you have no regrets about your decision to ff. it's so very upsetting when you make no progress despite so much effort, isn't it?

Well, fingers crossed that the midwife is as expert as they say she is.

Good grief, you poor thing, first off well done for persevering for so long. I've had good and bad times with feeding, much better with new son but impossible with dd- turned out she was tt but I was a wreck by the time that was worked out - I didn't have it checked, only found out about it from mn !. What I would say is though, looking back things I wish I'd done - although I don't have a clue what might be the issue, I wish I'd done the following:

• hired a private bf woman who gave me time and focus - made big diff with son
• thrown out shields - they made more pain as they pinched flat nipple
• hired a hospital grade pump - I expressed until 12 weeks, blinking hard and would have been so much better to double pump - more effective and quicker when you've got everything else to do!!
• discovered breast shells- great way to get air to nipples while they heal and help flat one pop out ready to feed - I have two if the flattest nipples ever although new son seems to have fixed them

Finally, accept when you feel you've tried all options that there is more to being a mum than bf. I spent too much time with dd sobbing on the sofa. In the meantime if you can get a bf person round that will be so helpful to you. Hth

I really struggled for the first few weeks, I had DS checked for tongue tie and was referred to the hospital but the doctor wouldn't do it as it was so slight. He said that the problem was that DS had a small mouth and quite a recessed chin and as he got bigger it would get easier.

I didn't believe him, but kept persevering and it did just get better. DS is 14 months now and I am still feeding him.

You have done really well keeping going for so long so far. I hope that it gets better for you.

That's interesting scrivette. When I was seen by a BF counsellor, she couldn't find tt or anything else wrong, but said the only thing she could think of was that I have quite large nipples which might make it painful/hard to get a good latch. So maybe the baby getting bigger was the reason it sorted itself out, both times.

Good luck OP.