my DD was born with severe brain damage due to a mismanaged labour
She was lucky in that she amazingly she retained her suck reflex but that wasn't apparent until she was ten days old. I went to a very special type of hell to get to feed her, I didnt hold her for seven days and she was in an induced coma until eight days old. She was initially tube fed my expressed milk which I pumped every two hours from the day she was born to try to maintain my supply, I spent the first week of her life sitting by her NICU crib while pumping every two hours.
I hated that pump.
Then the NICU told me I didn't have enough in the freezer to keep feeding her my expressed milk once she was warmed up, so I fed her while she nuzzled, then pumped when she slept, then fed her, then pumped etc. On the day we checked out of hospital they gave me a huge stash of my milk that someone had 'lost', all that stress affected my supply. We were only discharged because we agreed to top her up with formula, knowing the damage that would do to my supply I crucified myself trying to feed her on my own and gave her bottles only when my nipples were bleeding. I cried every feed, she cried between feeds, I would without a shadow of a doubt enjoyed her first few weeks had I given up on breastfeeding. We needed to bond however, she needed the comfort and I needed to do something 'normal' in the crazy world of therapy, brain injury, paediatricians, neurologists, cardiologists, etc which we had been thrown into.
DD by two weeks old dropped the tube feeding and then wanted huge amounts of milk and my supply was understandably awful, I ate fenugreek and oats, I fed her round the clock for weeks and at 5 weeks old she refused the bottle and was exclusively breastfed. My nipples continued to bleed, two midwives checked my latch and declared it ok, in fact it was quite bad and we both had to learn a new technique.
Then she fed. Endlessly. It wasn't so much a series of growth spurts as continual feeding for weeks and months. Listed as failure ti thrive we were advised by NHS dieticians to top her up to boost her calories. Massive self esteem issues on the whole milk isn't good enough. This was normal, I had to do this breastfeeding thing, I decided to enrich my milk by feeding her even more frequently. We then discovered it was a dairy and soya intolerance so I have restricted my diet since eight weeks old.
Now at two years old she is less interested in milk, but still feeds a few times a day. I am increasingly feeling touched out, every cycle I have she tries to boost my supply, the time has come to wean and by going so slowly tomorrow will probably have within it the last feed.
I am quite sad. It has been an amazing journey, and one which has given my DD and I a chance to bond and heal, we have co slept since a few weeks old, she is my mini shadow and she is loving and brilliant and funny. But it does seem sad to remove her source of comfort. No one understands though as no one I know has fed to this age, or through our fairly unique challenges.