Breastfeeding bridesmaid advice

[SaRaRaRaRa]

I'm going to be a bridesmaid for my best friend in October. As well as panicking as to how I'll fit into the dress, I'm also ebf my 16 week old DS. DS will be 24 weeks at the wedding. We are feeding on demand and at the moment he feeds every 2-3 hours. But he is not allowed to come to the wedding - no children/babies. At the moment I can't imagine how attending the wedding will be possible, let alone being bridesmaid, and it is stressing me out!

Will his feeds get much more infrequent in the next 10 weeks? He has never taken a bottle (have never tried him) but if I manage to express a stash of milk for the day will I have to express all day at the times I feed him so it doesn't affect my supply? Much as I love my friend and want to be fully involved in her special day my DS comes first and I don't want to ruin BF. Has anyone been in a similar situation and is able to offer any advice please?

That is an idea, I don't know the area very well but I will talk to the bride and see if there is anywhere around I can feed him. None of my friends have children yet and are pretty black and white on the matter, they all think it's a matter of leaving him with my mum for the day and that I am being awkward!

Well you could try expressing and giving a bottle but not all babies are great at bottles if they're used to bf.

You may want to try this in advance though to see if it will work.

Who is going to look after the baby - if its in a hotel any chance your mum could spend the day there and you pop up to the room to feed?

I think though this has the potential to be quite tricksy and you may want to let your friend know that there may well be problem.

If the bride is so insensitive I think I'd probably tell her I couldn't be her bridesmaid, tbh. If you really don't want to do that I'd install DH and DS in a hotel nearby and get DH to bring DS to you when he needs to be fed.

I didn't have kids at my wedding either, but anyone with a small baby was welcome to bring her (they were both girls). You don't have to have had a baby yourself to be thoughtful about other people's situations.

I agree with the others, either baby comes with you (with your mum or someone else) or you can't be bridesmaid.

By 24 weeks, baby may have increased amount of time between feeds but will still need milk during the day. Even if you get him on an expressed bottle, you will be uncomfortable unless you express so it is easier to bring baby to you IME.

You could ask bride if baby can come and if she is adamant "no babies" then suggest your mum will be nearby to look after him and you may have to disappear for half an hour every few hours.

If she doesn't like that arrangement, then politely explain that feeding your child is more important. Go to the ceremony (baby in car) and then go home!

I am surprised your friend is being so inflexible about a ebf baby! I agree with either your mum being close by and baby being brought to you to feed and if the bride is not happy then just do the ceremony and go home.

Personally if my friend was being like that I would decline the offer to be bridesmaid.

I agree, you shouldn't have to compromise your or your DS's comfort. Keeping him nearby and feeding him when needed is one option, the other is politely declining bridesmaid duty. At this age a lot of babies put on a growth spurt so it's impossible to predict how often he will need feeding. How likely is it that the bride will get peed off if you nip out every so often to feed DS?

You are not being awkward at all, you are being more than accommodating trying to find a way you can do both :)

As it's only just before 6 months would you consider mixing the milk with some baby rice to spoon feed if you don't want to try a bottle or cup.

If it were me though I wouldn't go- a good friend should realise that your baby is the most important thing for you right now so should be prepared to compromise. Do they really think a six month old will ruin their fun?! I think a baby would be great at a wedding, and always lovely in the pictures .

I hate this idea that it's so easy to express so you can leave your baby. The number of threads on here where people are being expected to leave tiny babies with grandma and 'just express'. Many people can't express and plenty of babies won't take bottles.

I had a bf bridesmaid. I did everything I could to make it easy for her, and I gave her the option of bringing her baby or not (he was around 8 mo).

If she cannot allow for that then I would tell her you can't be her bridesmaid.

Thanks for all the advice. SuperSatsuma I wish my friend was like you!

I really wish I wasn't bridesmaid now but she asked before DS was born (I was pregnant and naively I thought that it wouldn't be as difficult to leave the baby) and the dress is bought, etc. Unfortunately the venue isn't a hotel but I'll scout out local hotels and will have to install DS there with my mum I think... I'm seeing my friend next week so I'll speak to her about it then and tell her my proposed plan and that unfortunately it's not going to be as easy as she thinks.

Thanks for all the replies, I was wondering whether I was blowing things out of proportion so am pleased to hear that you don't think I am!

I'd tell her that there's a good chance you'll leak all over the dress if you can't express or feed the baby and that might ruin the photos. I don't see why you should have to try and get the baby to take a bottle just for that. The baby will still be in arms so not like crawling round creating havoc. I'd personally sack the wedding off but then I can't think of anything worse than being a bridesmaid :)

I would tell her that I'm bringing the baby or she's a bridesmaid down.

Are you sure that she knows what breastfeeding entails? I definitely didn't... I remember almost falling off my chair when a friend told me how often babies breastfeed! I hadn't really given it much thought, but if you'd asked me how often a new baby needed to feed, I probably would've said three 'meals' a day like adults . Is there any chance that your friend hasn't really thought it through? Particularly as she's getting married and is probably really distracted especially if she's a bridezilla like I was

If it's any consolation, I bet you future weddings will be a LOT easier once your friends start having babies. By the time I got married, most of my friends had children. We had a creche at our wedding, manned by two local childminders. Everyone had a whale of a time.

Anyway. Really hope it works out for you, a difficult situation to be in.

I had a similarly arsey selfish bride when my DS would've been 6m. He bf at 630 o sleep and 1030 dream feed. She said no kids and had to leave 3yr old with nan but said I couldn't come if no baby an he came and was delightful. Asleep at 7 next to DJ.
Just tell her. She's no idea how difficult it is for mothers and don't cause yourself so much stress xxxx

The bride isn't necessarily being arsey or selfish. Like most people who've never had a baby she's clueless. Good luck op, I was in a similar position a few years ago and managed to express a bit and went home at the end of the night. It was stressful but well worth to be bridesmaid to my bestfriend. A few years on she has her own baby and realises what a big deal it was (and perhaps feels a little guilty) but she's in no doubt how important our friendship is to me!

My goodness what a bridezilla. Tell her that you are going to have o bring your baby no ifs or buts. If he really wants you to be BM he will have t be flexible, or dont do it

I have a 19 weeks old baby who will take a bottle if needs be. I can miss one feed and be relatively comfortable but I can not under any circumstances miss two feeds without needing to express plenty of milk (obviously at a wedding it would be hard to have the facilities to do this with the privacy you need and toilets don't tend to have plug sockets in the cubicles). So if I fed right before I went out, I would have 5 hours absolute tops and by the end of that I would be risking leakage. I can go longer in the night time but not in the day.

I would be saying no baby no wedding. I would not want to leave mine for longer than a few hours with someone else anyway at the moment regardless of the practicalities of breastfeeding. And I would hope my close friends would also care about the well being of my baby, who would hardly be causing any trouble at their wedding. However, if you want to go, you'd have to practice with expressing and giving bottles before hand so you would feel confident that it would work on the day, and you would have to have the baby nearby so you don't have to miss more than one feed.

What is it with these people who think their wedding day is as important to the rest of the world? Where is their insight?

I missed my friends wedding because of this.
DS was / is ebf, will not drink milk from bottle
Was not allowed to bring him 5.5months.
so I didn't go and now we barely speak ... Its caused a bit of an atmosphere when our group of friends are together too.
I was treated like I had 3 heads when I explained I would not be able to leave him all day and all night :(

Bride has a child too.

Tbh, I don't think you would enjoy the day if you were worrying about yur baby, and kept having to leave to feed him. I would explain this and say sorry but I don't think I can be bridesmaid anymore. Also, if you are used to feeding on demand, you will probably find yourself sore full and uncomftable if you can only pop out at convinient times to feed him

I really don't understand some people.

I'm sorry but I just find it extremely selfish. A breast fed baby is different to toddlers excitable 6 year olds running around.

If you haven't had a baby (or been close to someone who has), you simply don't realise how difficult it is. Your friends will have a real awakening when they start having children, but in the meantime, I'm sure they aren't meaning to be inconsiderate to you.

I wouldn't necessarily say no baby, no wedding. But the reality of the situation would make it difficult for you to be a bridesmaid if you were expected to be on duty all day.

I also wouldn't assume that your friend is being selfish, as it may be the case that she just doesn't realise what EBFing entails. Most people who haven't done it themselves just don't understand how full-on it can be.

She's obviously a good mate if she's asked you to be a bridesmaid, so if it were me, I would have a proper chat with her about the situation and try to find a way to make it work. You may find that she'll make an exception and let you bring your DS. Otherwise, explain that you would have to pop out several times and/or leave quite early to feed him.

For what it's worth, I've brought my 14 month old DS to three weddings now, including one at 13 months where he was the only child, but they were all family weddings so they were very accommodating. I was a bridesmaid in one, but he was 9 months by then and could go longer between BFing as he was also eating solids. He was very well behaved at all of them, although it's become harder work the more active he's become. He generally goes to sleep in his push chair at some stage, even with really loud music blaring near him!

I don't think I could be arsed with all the admin required in this situation, I think you are a brilliant friend for trying to work round the limitations placed on you by your friend!

I think my tendency would be to say "sorry, I just can't do this logistically without my baby here".

I didn't have any children when I got married but I don't think it takes a lot of knowledge about the world to understand a lot of babies are breastfed and ergo need their breast source with them!