How can I reduce anxiety about BF? (long !)

[smk84]

Hi , DS is 11 weeks old and while things are better than they used to be, I am still really anxious about each feed, and anxious about some things between feeds. I tend to be anxious about things in general, it?s not just BF, but because it is such an important thing for my LO, I find it really difficult. I have been hoping things would improve, but they have not improved much over the weeks, as I always seem to find something to worry about.
During a feed, these are the things I worry about:
Did he open his mouth wide enough to get good milk transfer?
Is he in a good position?
Is he nursing effectively?
If it is a bit uncomfy, should I take him off? (if I do I find it very stressful re-latching him so I prefer not to take him off)
Will this feed make me more sore? (I have lipstick shaped nipples after feeds,mainly LHS, most of the time it?s only a little bit uncomfy and not painful, have seeked all sorts of help to try to get it sorted but no luck so far)
Whether I will ever be able to relax during feeds (and the effect this has on his weight gain and him in general). I feel so sorry for him that he is near me so often and probably sensing my tension, and that this is so unfair on my gorgeous boy as I should be able to relax and enjoy it. I don?t want him to end up an anxious person like me.
In general I worry about?.
Is he gaining enough weight? He seems so small to me (have posted weight below, none of the HCPs are concerned about it).
Whether he will end up using me as a dummy (I am the sort of person who needs my own space sometimes and if I am going to feed him for many more months I am conscious that I?d like to provide nutrition and comfort, but don?t want him to only be able to fall asleep while feeding)
Whether I am doing the right thing by BF (would we be happier if I didn?t? Would he be more content and gain weight better?.... With DS1 I am pretty sure that stopping BF was a huge factor in getting terrible PND, and I worry that stopping now might bring it on again)
How spending so much time BF will affect DS1 (I try to include him by reading with him or singing songs while we are feeding, and I have prepared a special box of toys for him, but he soon gets bored and tends to play up, and usually ends up watching TV.. and I worry about him watching too much).
So?. I need to develop some strategies to become calmer and more confident about BF. I would really like to overcome my worries rather than give up. The problem is, that I have logical answers for all of the things I have written above, but it doesn?t stop me feeling anxious. So I guess this is more about my mental health than BF, but thought I?d post here in case anyone has been anxious about BF and could share ways they have coped with it, especially during feeds (I am thinking of relaxation techniques I guess). Many thanks for reading, hope this is not too garbled as I'm writing it in the middle of the night and not quite with it !

Birth 3520 7lb 12
3 days 3150g
6 days 3240g
12 days 3200g 7lb 1
16 days 3340g 7lb 5 ½
19 days 3360 7lb 7
23 days 3460 7lb 9
27 days 3580 7lb 14
33 days 3750 8lb 4
41 days 3980 8lb 12
47 days 4050 8lb 15 ½
71 days 9lb 15 ½ (he has had 2 colds between 6 and 10 weeks so his gain wasn?t as good. I am trying to get him weighed less now as he is better and don?t want to fixate on it too much, but I do find it helpful to get feedback this way)

Hi there

first of all, {{{{big hug}}}} (unMumsnetty, I know, but I think you need one )

Second, good for you for posting and realising that you need some strategies to cope with your anxiety, which does sound fairly overwhelming

next, STOP WEIGHING your baby so often! again, I think you have realised how easy it is to get fixated on weight, but he is doing well so you can relax about that now.

Is he generally fairly content (you say that maybe giving up breastfeeding would make him more content - how would that work??), if so, you are doing great.

Also, are there any breastfeeding groups in your area? contact the LaLecheLeague - it might be beneficial to have other breastfeeding mums to talk to.

You could try a dummy for him, but it doesn't actually matter if he falls asleep while feeding. Why would that be a problem?

Seriously, you are doing really well! You should be very proud of yourself

thank you tante , i really need as many hugs as i can get at the moment. yes he is generally fairly content, but evenings are sometimes so difficult, especially tonight where he is going on and crying and coming off again and again. i just don't think i can put us through it for much longer, but the thought of giving formula really upsets me, at the moment we have just given him 2oz of ebm in a bottle, beacuse i was finding the whole evening too upsetting. but i don't think i can mange to pump every day as i have another DS and i can only just about find the time to BF. ihave tried to get support from local groups, but I think it's more of a coping with the unpredictability and not knowing whats going in of BF, and that's not going to change !

Um you sound a bit like I was. And it was anxiety that was the problem, not the bfing, or whatever it was I was fixating on.

Please, think about going to your GP with help with the anxiety, and get to a breastfeeding support group for the specific bfing issues.

I ended up having CBT when DD was about 8-10 months old, and wish I'd gone much sooner as I feel I wasted her early months needlessly panicking about stuff that really weren't big deals. [hugs]

(worries I#ll be banished from Mumsnet for sending hugs... )

Oh and I sort of coped with the anxiety by fixating instead on buying more fluffy cloth nappies than a whole nursery could use, and then woven wrap slings. Not terribly helpful...

CBT techniques involve stopping the panicked thought as quickly as possible. Dead. DO NOT TRY TO RATIONALISE IT at this point. Count to 10 while calming yourself (I find it helps to count to 10 in whatever language you know least well from school or similar, and try to identify what your very initial fleeting thought was.

Then imagine a friend was telling you the problem - think of your reasoned response and then don't over-analyse it further....

I definitely second the recommendation for CBT. In the early days I was worrying about all the things you mention and more (not all baby related) and it really wasn't healthy for either of us. CBT helped me have confidence in my role as a mother and trust that my body had provided for DS during pregnancy without any input from me and could continue to do so with my milk.

I also think you should stop having your baby weighed so often, if you go less often it will make more sense the line height is following (or creating for himself) and you won't have need to panic - you will be able to see he is thriving.

Don't worry too much about your older son watching tv. It won't be forever that your baby is feeding so frequently (by the way the coming off frequently sounds like a growth spurt - I suspect he is trying to stimulate another let down, very normal) and he'll soon get used to having his brother around... He will quickly realise he has to share mummy sometimes. (I have all this to come as DC2 is due in a couple of months) - it may be worth investing in a sling and trying to breastfeed in that so you can do more than sit, perhaps starting around the house and gradually working towards the park so DS1 feels he has your full attention even if he doesn't IYSWIM

FWIW I was exactly where you are now 18 months ago. I'm still breastfeeding and have a lot of confidence in it now despite my earlier anxiety. I plan to tandem feed when the new baby comes along and I never thought I'd say that!

It sounds like you are doing your best for both your boys, now its time to look after yourself, go and see your GP about your anxiety on Monday, I promise you will feel better for it. The very best of luck and an un-mn hug from me too

Nothing in your post suggests anything wrong or even mildly out of the ordinary with the feeding....but you know that rationally.

I agree with other posters, and with you - you need to focus on getting help with your anxiety.

Switching to formula is not the answer to this. There are just as many things to be anxious about with formula, if you are anxious anyway.

One thing I will add is that there is no need to worry that your baby is 'sensing your tension' because he is near you so much. Babies need to be near their mothers, and if you are responsive to him (sounds as if you are), if you engage with him and pick up on his moods, then he will be fine. Mothers whose depression and anxiety are overwhelming may well be unable to 'connect' with their babies (they don't look at them much, or engage, or understand when not to do this) - and it's this that affects the babies, more than any 'sensing' of tension.

Whatever....it's important for both of you that your anxiety is tackled, and your baby is easily young enough for you to have time to do this, without the risk of longer-term effects. Don't leave it longer hoping it will get better by itself, as it may not.

Hope you get good help soon.

thank you so much for your reassurance. Tiktok I am responsive towards him, but i am sometimes not good at controlling my emotions around him (e.g. sometimes find it hard to calm down and breathe, or sometimes i get upset if he is not happy while feeding. I have been to the GP and discussed medication, but I wouldn't feel comfy taking anything while BF, even though I am told there is a drug callked Sertraline that I could take while BF. I think the anxiety of taking it and how it could impact DS would be too much. I started counselling last week - the lady says it's important to work on where all this anxiety came from and go back and re-write the story. Nice cup - was your CBT like this? It's really good to hear I am not the only one 'cos it feels like I should be loving having a new baby and coping really well, but I find the feeding such a struggle because it's so important. Little wavey I am going to try the counting to 10, I am also thinking that I need to stop watching DS feed. I focus so much on what he is up to and watch his facial expressions to see if I need to change anything. SO I have decided to try to distract myself and look at something else(which I find super hard but going to keep trying) and if he is swallowing and it's not hurting, to just leave him to get on with it ! just thinking maybe I could even try singing or something (I have been finding it really stressful laying him down for naps so have started singing the mission impossible theme in my head and it's making me relax a bit and see the funny side !). Tante I just can;t see how I will ever be able to function and go out and devote time to DS1 and sort my house out in the long run if he feeds and sucks to sleep with me, because it seems to take so much time. I don't want to use a dummy though cos want him to take as much milk in as he wants (when he sucks to sleep he always swallows some, and i will never know if there is hunger mixed with tiredness so I could never actually refuse to feed him!) so I will go with it for now and be thankful that DH is so helpful.

It's great you are getting specific help, smk. It's not usual for mothers to feel the need to be watching their baby and 'assessing' all the way through a feed - exhausting and stressful for you, as you clearly realise, and it's good you have an insight into what feels 'not right' .

CBT does involve 'rewriting' in that it seeks to change your behaviour and responses - it can be very effective with anxiety.

OP no it wasn't really re-writing as such, more working on "what would happen if..." "why would that be so bad" etc - I think it's called 'thinking errors' things like 'all or nothing thinking', 'catastrophising' and such. There must be some info online somewhere. We did a lot of worksheets of evidence for and against certain things I was thinking, how strong the thoughts and emotions were and again how strong they were once weighing up the evidence (much of it perceived and not actually true such as if my baby cries when I'm our people will think I'm a bad mother and will want me to shut him up)

I think CBT can be tailored to the individual though based on what they think will work for you. I had it for depression some years ago in a group and didn't find it helpful at all. When DS was born I had a lot of trouble standing up for myself when family members put me down and gave me unwanted advice and started to get very anxious, just as you describe worrying about breastfeeding as I felt it was so important to get it right, I also struggled with going to public places as I felt very overwhelmed. The weird thing is I wasn't unsure about my choices as a mother at all, I just felt if I could stick up for myself half the battle would be won. The CBT this time really helped me to know what treatment was acceptable and what wasn't and to stop beating myself up over little things.

I can totally relate to the 'analysing' that you're doing. I used to track all DS's feeds (which side, how long etc) and sleeps and drive myself a bit bonkers. It's not healthy but it doesn't mean there's something 'wrong' with you, just that you'd be doing yourself a favour to continue with the CBT and find out what your thinking errors are so you can chill out a little and enjoy your baby. I think you're well on the way to doing that

nice cup - thank you for sharing your experiences i really appreciate it. can't tell you how good it is to know i am not the only one - loads of people have told me to just relax etc etc but if i could i would i just find it hard. i feel like if i could hand my record of feeds to someone in the know at the end of the day and they could give me +ve feedback and say it was all good and normal i would feel much better, but unfort with bf it is our own journey and there is no support like that out there. i am pretty sure he would be on formula now if it assn't for mn, and for hcps in the early days (sadly this doesn't continue). i do try to go to my local bibs group but i am not keen on the group nature of it as opening up in front of a bunch of strangers is hard face to face !