Thinking of introducing a bit of formula, feeling sad and weird about it, come and sort me out please

[HarderToKidnap]

DS is 8mo, EBF. ON the few occasions I've been out for the night, I've hand expressed as I can't pump. It's getting harder and harder to hand express, I also have to boil the milk before freezing it or it goes soapy. So basically it's a massive faff. I have a night out planned this week, DH is taking DS out for an entire day soon and I also have an operation at some point and won't be able to feed for 24 hours, so there is lots of pressure to get the freezer full up. I am painstakingly squeezing out milk, across four "sessions" of hand expressing a day, I'm getting 3oz and frankly it's boring and frustrating. So I'm thinking of giving DS some formula when I'm away from him and packing in the expressing.

But, here is where I get weird. This makes me feel very sad and like a failure and crap and borderline actual tearful. I just don't WANT to give him formula. I just want him to have my milk. I have no judgements to make or negative feelings whatsoever towards either formula or people who use it, but I was always going to exclusively breastfeed until he was at least 1, and I wasn't going to have to give any formula! And luckily for me that has all worked out lovely, and now I feel awful for even contemplating giving formula, like I'm almost there y'know? And just a few months of handexpressing, in fact if I even just went for it hardcore for ten days I would get 30oz, I already have 16oz in freezer so that would be enough maybe to get through to a year. And then I wonder why I have set the arbitrary goal of a year and maybe I should stop angsting over such a non-issue.

Emotionally, I do NOT feel ready or happy to give formula. Rationally I think I'm being an idiot.

Please help me either get a grip or tell me to keep up with the expressing. Feeling a bit weird and upset about the whole issue. Really grateful for any words of wisdom or shared experiences!

ok lets weigh up the options....re the night out - how long will you be out for? at 8 months he might manage ok with a feed before you go and one when you get back. re the operation, since the expressing etc IS such a faff wold it be less faff for his dad to bring him to you to feed in the hospital - night be worth finding out about whether this is alllowed. again at 8 months he might be ok with 3 feeds a day - how long you expecting to be in hospital?

12 months is a good goal - it was mine and i happily took dd off the boob then and never looked back. i too was v emotional about formula and at the time it would have been then end of the world so dont feel bad for thinking that way. maybe looking at other ways to get around the feeding problem would work better for you just now than worrying about formula?

hope that helped

Give yourself a break. The thing that's best for babies is maternal happiness...find your nearest Greggs and stand outside it at opening time. you'll see lots of teeny tots munching away on stuff that will make you feel much superior. Instant relaxation.

hope your op goes well. Spend your time before the op doing something nicer than pumping your norks to Jeremy Kyle. That's not good for your mental health...

well there are always options. As op said a night out at this age doesn't always mean he'll need milk while you are gone.

As for your op is there any reason why no feeding for 24 hours? its normally ok to feed straight after as long as they haven't given you can't feed with. A general anathetic isn't normally a problem as soon as your awake you can normally feed. Check with your Doc and the BfN drugs in breastmilk help line for more info.
If its any consolation I had to have an op when DD was 10 months. I couldn't get her to take a bottle and she point blank refused any formula as hadn't had it before (it was a short notice job didn't have time to express). The staff at my hospital where lovely and even put a cot in my room for her. All worked out fine.

How do you feel about cows milk? While under 1s can't have cows milk for their main drink they can have it.

So maybe the freezer stash could be for the operation and the night out he could have a bottle of whole cows milk or water.

Could u ask the hospital about borrowing from the breast milk bank?

I really dont think a little bit of formula is going to hurt for a couple of feeds you have done amazing to get to 8m and one day of formula isn't going to u do all that.

Options r -cancel operation reschedule for when baby is one

• go through the faff of expressing
• give formula
• donated milk

Oh and remind yourself this- 8m they r crawling you will be pulling allsorts out dc's mouth - mud worms grass fluff moss gravel cat litter etc all sorts ! Blink and they r shoving it in!!! Really formula Is the least of your ingestion worries! :o

Give yourself a break. You've done really well and there is nothing wrng with formula so go for it. Once you've bitten the bullet you'll wonder why you worried so much. You'll presumably still be BF most of the time so your baby will still be getting lots of the good stuff! Enjoy your baby. 8 months is such a lovely age so don't waste a second of it fretting.

I think you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. A failure, after bf for 8 months? You've done amazingly well! I completely understand not wanting to give formula, but I think if you do, you'll be giving yourself a much needed break. I used to hand express too, found it much more productive than pumping, but it's no fun, that's for sure.

Besides, giving some formula doesn't mean you've stopped bf. One bottle is just that - one bottle.

How much milk would your DS realistically need in 24 hours? If you really really don't want to give formula, and he is eating solids, could you try to fill him up with other foods to make your expressed milk stores go further?

Thanks so much for all the kind words and understanding. After hand expressing last night after I wrote this I am resolved not to do it again, it was all over my hands/top etc smelling cheesy and then I had to BOIL the stuff and just eurgh. So no more of that. I am going to look in to feeding him after my op, and I'll have to express when his Dad takes him out for the day for comfort reasons, so maybe I won't have to use any formula but fine if I do. Well, not fine, but i'm trying not to be silly now!

I think part of it is that in my circle, 8 months is really just getting started on breastfeeding and to give formula at 8 months would be looked at very slightly askance. Obviously this attitude has filtered in a little more than I thought.

Glad you are feeling more optimistic. Just had a thought - if it's at a big hospital, the op - ask if beforehand you can use the hospital pumps - from what I hear they are amazing!
I'm inclined from your op to say don't go with the formula but it's absolutely your choice and at 8 months your baby is past the virgin gut stage ifvhes eating solids.
I put myself through the mill trying to express with dd1. With dd2 I'm refusing to do it unless its an emergency! Dd1 wouldn't take a bottle anyway (well she might have if exp hadn't made such a pigs ear of it) but I digress - I will be hand expressing for engorgement only this time around

I gave DS formula some days once he was on solids - I reasoned that it's no more of an issue than giving him any other food once he is eating something other than bmilk. once back at work (he was 7 months), i couldn't express enough to keep him on bmilk alone. I think your friends' attitudes are a bit bonkers tbh, why would the odd bottle of formula be worse than the odd banana or yoghurt?

I am still nursing my DS at nearly 3 btw

I completely understand that you only want to give him your milk. If that is want you want then don't let people pressurise you into trying to feel ok about formula, but maybe you can try different pumps (a hospital one, or a hired one from the nct?) and make expressing easier? The national breastfeeding helpline or la leche league have free helplines that can help with expressing as well as bf. Good luck with the op and with doing what you want to do whatever you decide that is.