Nursing aversion and feeding toddler while pregnant - please hekp

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

Sorry - having a terrible day and need to let off steam before I go crazy.

DS is 18 months, woke at 6.15 this morning and is still awake, not napped all day. He's screamed for most of the day and other than that run around bumping into things and falling over cos he's so tired or he's been completely manic touching the oven and plug sockets repeatedly and shouting at me. He wants to nurse constantly and I can't take it. He is such a fidget and 'gropes' me when I breastfeed - I can't bear it. If I feed him to sleep he wants to nurse (and protests at the top of his lungs) every time he wakes (about 25-30 minutes if I'm lucky) he's been nightweaned for 3 months - I can't face going back a step now.

he's still bloody screaming, I don't know what to do. He's been kicking, scratching and hitting me all day too. I hate to hear him cry and am anti cio but nothing I do soothes him except feeding, he's so angry!

I think it might be because the colostrum has come through (I'm pregnant) that he just wants to nurse all the time but I've never seen a child so upset and cross for so long at being told no. He will literally scream forever unless I give in, shouting 'milk!' at me through his sobs. I know this sounds terrible but I just feel like a fucking object.

I don't want to wean until he's ready but now we've cut down to one nursing session in the morning, one at nap-time (unless he's dropping the nap in which case I'm fucked) and one before bed I do not want to do any more than that . I feel it's my choice to say no but I feel like I have no choice though, I worry he'll stop breathing from crying so much he's literally inconsolable if I say no or no more.

I don't know how much more I can take - everyone I talk to about it in RL tells me to wean. I don't want to and I know for sure he doesn't. I went to a bf support group and basically they told me they only deal with newborn problems. I don't know anyone in RL feeding a baby over 14 months old. I feel so alone

I've 'given in' and fed him to sleep. I expect I'll be in feeding him all night long now if past experience is anything to go by.

I feel like I've failed myself and taught him nothing

I know I need a break from him but he screams if left with anyone else, I can't relax knowing my baby is crying so I martyr myself by being with him all the time. Tbh that's what I want but lately he's been sleeping 9pm until 6am,I'm rubbish at early mornings so I'm in bed by 10 at the latest. Is it selfish to want more than an hour to yourself/with DH a night?!

I can't help thinking he's going through some kind of development thing but it just all seems so relentless at the moment, and I've got to start it all over again in a few months

I don't even know what I'm asking

I can't help because I have a 14 month old milk monster myself. But I feel your pain. DS refuses to nap or sleep without the boob, so no-one else can put him to bed/naps but me. It's exhausting. I honestly can't ever see him weaning but we want to start ttc dc2 in the next few months and I am really worried about being pregnant and still feeding.

I know I'm not helping you here but you're not alone. And you most definitely are not a failure. You've done a marvellous thing by feeding him for this long - think of the start you've given him. And I don't think you should feel bad about 'giving in'. He sounds like he was in a right old state and needed calming down.

I know breast is best and I've really enjoyed feeding DS but no one warns you just how dependent they can get on the boob, do they? Or tells you how to stop without breaking their little hearts?

I really feel for you and hope some rest helps you feel better.

The problem is that by continuing to give in to the demands of your toddler you are perpetuating the situation. You may have to be prepared to ride out a difficult child for a while but they will get used to being settled without being breastfed.

Easier said than done Dorothy

OP I suspect your little one is teething as well. Don't beat yourself up about the feeding - it's hard doing it when pregnant. I felt so over touched and sometimes would cry when feeding DS.

Talk to him - tell him the milk has changed for the baby but he can still have some. Try giving a bit of calpol if you suspect teeth.

Try tweaking your nap routine so it's not just feed then sleep. It could be beaker of milk, story then feed. Then you can drop the feed after a time (that's how I did it - same at bedtime).

Introduce more cuddles so closeness wit you isn't just about boob. Can be cuddles while you read a story for example.

Try putting toddler to bed very early - half 6. That's what I had to do with Ds otherwise he's get a second wind and wouldn't settle til after 8!!!

Apollo - you have helped, thank you. It's reassuring to know I don't have the only milk monster in the world. It's true nobody prepares you for the emotional side, I feel at odds with myself frequently over the whole thing.

Dorothy - in theory I agree with you, but then I could never have imagined loving a child as much as I love DS or being so heartbroken when he's inconsolable. The worst thing is I know I can make things better by feeding him, it's his only comfort and he just doesn't understand why I'm taking it away - and I guess why should he?

DH made a good point tonight - imagine all you've ever drunk is milk when suddenly someone gives you chocolate - you're not going to want to give it up/cut down without a fight!

I think I just need to decide what's more important - me limiting feeds or him being calm. I'd like to strike a balance but I can't even feed him for a while and then stop: he gets as upset all over again and is impossible to settle. Fortunately for the moment he's not waking at night, I think I can handle an increase in feeds during the day if I know I 'get' the night off. I just worry constantly about what happens when the baby comes. I don't mind feeding a newborn constantly but I'm not feeding two babies in the night. I just wish there was something or someone else that could comfort him.

I do understand that it is easier said than done, but whilst you are feeding him he has no need to discover whether there are any other ways to comfort him. Does that make sense?

Do you not have a partner who could be involved with comforting him at night?

In the end I sent DH for all night wakings when pregnant with Dd. I felt like shit as I heard him scream for me :( but I stopped the night feeds before DD arrived thankfully. Then feeding gradually petered out in the day.

Can you call the LLL helpline? All the leaders I know have fed quite substantially and often through these sorts of situations. I've got a 20m old still nursing, and I'm 26w pg also. We've been through teething, allergy testing, colds, what I suspect was a growth spurt, and everything in between.

The pregnancy is the big thing for me in what you've said, your instincts are moving on to your new baby, but your head might not be, mine didn't and to quite an extent still hasn't. When my milk dried up, she dry-nursed to try and get the milk back, when my colostrum came in, she went wild! Now we have an 'understanding' and she only nurses at home, with a few exceptions that we've both agreed to.

We've substituted some nursing with cuddles and milk in a cup. Its very hot round here atm, are you offering plenty of other liquids? DD us very thirsty and will fall back to mummy milk as her instinct correctly tells her should be plentiful to quench her thirst. of course it isn't but she tries anyway.

Can you get hold of a copy of 'adventures in tandem nursing'? It covers pregnancy in quite a bit of detail and has definitely helped me regain some sanity!

Iggly - bingo! Teething, of course why didn't I think of that?! I think that because when he was small every squawk or bit if dribble and everyone would tell me he was teething - I've sort of convinced myself its never that rather than believe it always is. His teeth have come in quite late and he only has 9 - of course its probably that, poor thing. Will try calpol tomorrow if nothing else works.

Iggly/Dorothy (Yes that does make sense but it's getting out of the pattern without too much upset - I can't keep doing this to him, he's so upset) I've tried leaving DH to it, he might as well not be there for all the good it does. He finds it heartbreaking that he can't comfort him but I think DS sees him as the 'fun' parent. TBH he wants me for comfort for bumps/general upset but when he's that upset its not even me he wants, it's my milk

Anita - you've hit the nail on the head about the pregnancy thing, my body is ready to give up but my heart and head are not. Will it get better when I've had the baby do you think? (my feelings not the milk monster!) sometimes it's all that gets me through - 10-12 more weeks and I'll feel differently. I really hope so.

I will try and call LLL but will need to do it on DHs day off as DS makes such a fuss when I'm on the phone cos he wants to be too. I've got that book saved on my Amazon wishlist but was waiting for it to go down in price before buying it (plus reading about 6 other books at the mo) -I also wasn't sure if I'd actually be tandem feeding but I think it's quite likely now

we already only feed at home bar the very odd occasion. I'm stupidly worried about what people will think/say about me feeding a toddler even though I know it's right and good for us. I offer drinks (milk/water) frequently and he asks too - he's recently discovered a taste for fizzy water and warm milk but when he wants my milk nothing else will do. We cuddle frequently but only briefly, he's too energetic and wants to push me off and run off to play!

I think tomorrow I will change my attitude and just feed him when he asks for as long as he wants. I'm always worried about creating bad habits/making a rod for my own back but baby-led everything has always worked for us and if he is teething/whatever I want to help him through it, whatever happens I can't cope with him not napping/screaming that way for another day, today has almost broken me!

I can't answer that in all honestly lovely, no-one can. I know I read your post and thought 'thats where I was a month ago' you're ahead of me in your pregnancy, but there's no time limits, rhyme or reason to the whole thing. Its just your own hormones working through you, lately I've calmed a lot and stopped trying to fight so hard, I enjoy DD coming in on a morning, and latching on.

Its suddenly become my complete, unashamed normal. I don't care who knows, and I don't care what they think. DD has started sharing with her babydolls and I've been using this to gently introduce the idea that there's a baby in mummys tummy that will share the milk when it comes to see her. She talks to my bump, cuddles and kisses it now, she even tells it about milk!

The book is very poorly titled imo. It mostly deals with pregnancy, going through each emotion and feeling in quire a bit of detail, and suggests helpful ideas for coping with them. It basically assumes that your new baby either won't be an issue, or you already have the ability to deal with the new baby and concentrates on you and your older nursling. The first half us almost exclusively about pregnancy. You might be better off either trying to get one secondhand, ordering from the library or seeing if any groups have a copy you can borrow tbh.

I'm happy if you wanna pm me love.

we've always been very baby-led too, and I'm not changing that now either

There's also a really common, really awful sleep regression and developmental leap at 18 months. You can read about it here.

Adventures in Tandem nursing is definitely worth a read - you might be able to borrow it via the library or through your local brach of LLL. It helped me work through some of the issues.

FWIW, I have a suspicion that my colostrum is coming in at almost 28 wks pg. My 2.7 y.o. has really gone off nursing since I've been pg - he usually feeds 1-2 times a day now instead of 7 or 8 times a day and more at night beforehand. If I've said 'that's enough, I'm uncomfortable,', he's been happy to accept it. But the last few days he's been wanting milk much more often and gets very upset if I try to delay or refuse. It's rather trying, especially when it's a long going-to-sleep feed which isn't very pleasant for me.

Thanks ladies, so nice to hear of other similar experiences. I tried to get that book from the library but they don't stock it. It was going to cost me £7 just to get it stocked so I will try some local groups and if not I'll buy it.

He woke screaming after about 20 minutes last night but went back to sleep when I stroked his back (very unusual) - he's full of beans today (if a little 'defiant') and doesn't seem to hold a grudge.

Must read about that sleep regression again, I'd forgotten about that.

Colostrum has definitely come through. Milk was almost gone at 24 weeks, I felt a marked difference (and could hear him swallowing again) at 26 weeks. I don't know what he'll do when the milk comes back - hope he doesn't think the baby took it all! For now though I guess it can only do him Good especially if he's teething.

So today going with the flow but no doubt will be MNing like mad to distract myself. He never used to' let' me multi task so I guess I've got that to be thankful for.

Thank you for all the experiences it really helps

Good luck OP! DD is now 8 months and DS hasnt fed in a long time. I worried about feeding two, whether it would work then resigned myself to at least trying. But in the end DS made the decision to stop which I felt much happier about.