My 8 month old bf son is starting to use me as a dummy. Thinking of giving up bf.

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I know this is more of sleep issue but I also wanted to post here as it's effcting my will to continue bf. My ds is 8.5 months and has recently become very difficult with regards to sleep. He wants holding to sleep, if I'm lucky. He wants the boob if I'm not. As soon as he feels me elevating him into the cot he wakes, arches his back and screams until I pick him back up. Same for day and night. He doesn't have a dummy and up until about 5 weeks ago was never much of a suckler.

I'm trying a pick up put down approach. At bedtime it sometimes works, and sometimes during the might. But it can take over an hour.

It's just taken me an hour to get him to sleep. He fell asleep in the car, for less than 5 mins. Stayed asleep while I took him out of the car/seat. Woke elevating him into cot. Cue hysteria. Not even cuddles and rocking would stop him. I eventually caved. Gave him the boob and cried. He's asleep now. But I'm exhausted and in tears.

I don't think I can carry on like this. He's waking 3 times a night at the moment (can be more if he's teething). I feel like my days are dominated by tearful naps. I feel like I'm damaging him. Thing is I know he's tired. I've tried catching him early/ leaving him longer. Result is always tears.

The boob reliance is becoming a particular issue. And I feel like giving up bf might have to be an option, which I didn't want to do yet.

Anyone any words of advice.....anyone?

.....controlled crying is not for me btw

not all babies are able to self sooth. what if you give up feeding but he still needs, bottle or cuddles to get to sleep how would you then feel about giving up?

He also round about the right age for separation anxiety to start. He's only just learning he's not part of you and this can be an upsetting thing for some babies.

It is hard but he really will grow out of it. Have you tried feeding him a bit longer until he's sound asleep and floppy.

A good book to read would be Dr Sears, night time parenting or sleep book.

We had a similar situation with DD2 who is now 10 mo and even now she is a little bit difficult to settle. The situation was exacerbated/ complicated by the fact we also have a 4 yo DD and didn't want her to be woken by a lot of crying etc.

I have now given up breastfeeding but what helped before then was settling DD on her side so she didn't startle awake when I put her on her back and her arms fell to the sides and also rather than just covering her with a blanket we wrapped her in it from the waist down so she is not suddenly colder. Could use a sheet if it was really hot, we also use a sleeping bag when more chilly.

To avoid the sudden movement thing I used to sway backwards and forwards a few times before standing up to put her in the cot. She has got better and a few times I have seen her open her eyes or even roll over and then go back to sleep.

One thing I would say is don't leap to pick him up straight away as some babies do need a little grumble before they nod off.

Also in my experience sleep disturbance is usually due to some developmental stage and you may find he starts to crawl etc in the next few days.

Good luck - I know exactly how frustrating this is.

Mygirl I totally understand what you are saying and until now I've been happy to go with it, but he's waking 3 times a night at the mo, and just a week ago it was 5-6 (but he was teething). I can't be feeding him at every wake, nor at every nap.

20wkbaby your methods are all quite familiar. Sometimes if he's in a sleepy state and I put him down and turn him on his side he will grumble and nod beck off. If he's too awake he just screams. We use a grobag and I've tried the swaying too.

He's been crawling for over a month, so once the teething stopped I thought he'd get better. Tbh this has probably been going on for longer than 6 weeks i just probably put it down to crawling then and let it pass without thought.

I feel for you, it's really hard at times especially when your so tired.
I had the same issue with Spud my oldest twin. I attempted different sleep techniques but they all seemed to make matters worse and I was getting less and less sleep. In the end I decided that I just had to do what gave me the most sleep and that was to breastfeed him to sleep and we safely co-slept. Once I was better rested I felt like I could tackle the world. Spud would settle better for The Beard (probably due to the lack of boobs and he was more relaxed) so once I bf him to sleep The Beard would carefully lay him down in his cot. Often he would wake and hubby would rock him and try again, sometimes I would have to feed him again but we persevered. As Spud has gotten older he has got better at settling himself to sleep and at 11 months he finally learnt to settle himself at bedtime. He is now 18 months old I still have to breastfeed him to sleep at his afternoon nap but he settles well at bedtime and sleeps well at night.
Breastfeeding provides wonderful comfort and who wouldn't like cuddles with Mum and warm milk on tap! Only you can provide such comfort and he will grow out of it. Keep persevering and you will find a way that works for you. I wish you lots of luck.

Do you mean you physically can't be there for every sleep time or that your just struggling with the tired ness?

if you can't always be there then it very normal for babies to settle differently for different care givers. It didn't work for my first but my youngest goes to sleep for daddy fine if I'm not there. my older one I had to feed at every walking, or she need pushing in a pushchair or car ride to go to sleep. She did out grow it but I so wish we'd tried Co sleeping, it is so much easier then having to get up in the night. I don't think I could have coped seconds time round with Co sleeping.

You could try night weaning but again not feeding at night doesn't mean he won't wake up and you'll then have to settle another way.

that should be without Co sleeping

My girl, no I am always here. I just mean it's exhausting, but also if hes waking and feeding 3+ times a night I see a difference in his daytime appetite and attitude to food.

We do cosleep sometimes, when we're both shattered. But we only have 1 bed and 1 cot so when we cosleep DH is on the sofa which is no good for his back. I've also worried about him rolling out (which he did last week) but my bed guard arrived today. But tbh the last 2 nights that we co slept it didn't help. But he was teething.

XTwinkle I know your right about the beauty of bf and it's why I love it so much and when it's just one or two wakes a night I actually enjoy them. But I'm worried about reliance on the boob. 11 months....right that's 2.5 months off. I can do that...right??!!!

Reliance on bfing is a normal thing for a baby his age, it's one of the best 'side effects' - knock out drops and instant comfort

If he was 8 years and was needing 3+ night feeds, well yes something would have to change but at 8m it's just normal human baby behaviour. Still doesn't help with getting up at night though.

DH can share the bed with you and baby as long as you are in the middle, I think the vast majority of people bedshare with their spouse in bed too (I know DH has never gone anywhere else at night and we have only got a double bed not a king/super king). Though of course if he is a smoker, takes sedating meds, etc then I can understand why you aren't co-sleeping with baby and DH!

Of course you can do it!!! They only way I have done it is through sheer stubbornness to give up but it's hard when you are so tired but I've found that it's only the tiredness talking when I think about giving up. I've just pushed on through the bad times and all of a sudden things improve.

How was last night, any better?

I've found that teething can disrupt sleeping patterns for quite a while (Sprout lasts teeth that came through took about 6 weeks before it all settled down, unfortunately it's now Spuds turn for teething) and then all of a sudden they go back to their normal sleep pattern. Unfortunately you just have to ride the waves.

I understand your concern about his reliance on breastfeeding both Spud and Sprout rely on breastfeeding and they are 18 months old. I don't feel ready to wean them so for now I'll leave it up to them.

Keep us updated on how you are doing. Do you have a local breastfeeding group you could attend? I might be good to get some support or sometimes it's just nice to have a chat.

I'm with you on this one. My 6 month old doesn't sleep on his own so we cosleep at the moment. However, I want to encourage him to sleep in his own bed so am trying a few similar techniques suggested by 20wksmum. Wrapping him in a blanket while I breastfeed him so he doesn't feel cold when I put him down seems to help. I can also recommend the Sleepy Sounds app (free on iTunes) which plays lullabies and white noise. I put this on while feeding and leave it on for him. You can program in a set time or set it to run continuously. He seems to like it and today's naps have both been his cot without tears and have lasted over an hour. Hope this helps x

Bloody hell I've just lost a really long post.

Going to have to summarise as bed beckons! Sorry for not posting I had to go to work thurs and busy day today.

Xtwinkle thanks for checking. Weds nightvwas good. He woke twice, I fed him but he went off in his cot once, the other in our bed. Last night started well he went off in his cot, but then was very unsettled. Booby and cosleeping barely helped. On the one hand is bhr when it comes to sleep screams teething, but in the day he's fine, he's dribble is normal and i can't see anything. But his food is hit and miss. Daytime naps still aren't great. He's slept alot in the car/pram/sling the past 2 days but the 2 naps he's had in his cot have resulted in very quick abrupt wakes and him falling back asleep on me. So if not giving the boob was the objective, it's not going very well! ;-)

Tbh I'm feeling better today. A lot more relaxed. It helps he's showing some signs of being able to settle in his cot (of sorts) as it at least gives me hope. I really don't want to stop bf. Xtwinkle you have my utmost respect bf twigs fir 18 months. Massive well done!!!

Right, off to bed for me. Who knows what the night has in store!!!

My dd was exactly the same, no advice I'm afriad as we did cc and it worked after 8 mins for us, but just wanted to offer support.

he's not using you as a dummy - a dummy is a fake boob. (hence it being called a dummy)

personally, we co-sleep because i need my sleep.
dd can't self-soothe either (7¾ months) and she will sleep by the boob or in the pram or car.

she doesn't nap.
she's nearly 8 months, and that's just what babies do.
she doesn't understand the concept of "you need to get yourself to sleep" she understands that suckling and cuddling are lovely, soothing and snuggly.
yes, it's fucking annoying when she's whingeing and whining and crying because she's tired but won't sleep (especially during the day), but i've just accepted that that's how it works and it'll do until she's able to understand bedtime.

(how small is your bed that your dh can't fit too?
ours is a standard double and dd fits in the space under my armpit)

Nickle I know I think alot of it is your own state of mind. Mine sways unfortunately from 'I'm ok with this' to 'we can't go in like this'. I'm currently in the 'ok with it so zone (though only just). The thing i find hard is i know he can settle without me, and never used to use me as a dummy. I have plans with friends in a few weeks and I don't want to go, let alone drink, for fear of what he'll be like without mummys booby.

Unfortunately cosleeping doesn't always help for us. The 3 of us are in bed and I can't sleep. We have a double bed but I find we just don't have the room. Ds is in my half , I am literally on the edge, facing the wrong way and paranoid that the duvet covering me is too close to him and will suffocate him!! I know all this is stuipd, but I'm wide awake and can't sleep so my mind is now racing! And he's a wriggler so no doubt at his next sleep cycle ill get a foot in my face too!!

Baby shouldn't go in the middle when co-sleeping though - they should always go on the outside (so Dad, Mum, Baby) as it's too easy for them to over heat with two adults next to them.

That's why a co-sleeper cot or bed rail is an essential when co-sleeping unless the bed is against the wall (and then you have to check that baby can't get trapped between the mattress and the wall).

It also means you can have a duvet, you just need to tuck the edge under you so it can't creep over baby in the night.

Hope that helps (it also means you get to snuggle with OH at night too )

and i've found that i don't need the duvet any higher than my waist because the snuggles from both sides make me really hot!