BF....keep going

[kipplin]

Hello, I just wanted to share my experience and (hopefully) encourage or motivate any struggling mums. I am sat snuggled up to my lovely 8 week old baby boy. Sadly I have just given him a bottle of FF.

I had a tough birth with him resulting in forcepts and a 3rd degree tear. Despite the trauma to us both,we made what I thought to be, a good start to bf. He latched on and sucked well and was having wet and dirty nappies. I went home feeling optimistic that I would succeed with BF. however by day 4 I felt horrendous and it all started to go wrong. I was diagnosed with postnatal hypertension (168/110 my usual bp being 100/60!) needless to say I had horrible headaches, visual disturbances and dizziness. I also felt very sore down below! I was started on beta blockers, in addition to antibiotics, clexane injections, pain relief and laxatives! My baby then got oral thrush. I continued to BF but found it increasingly hard. My boobs were agony, my nipples cracked and bled and I couldn't bear even the lightest pressure on them. I found bf more painfull than the 3rd degree tear or my previous c-section. it was on a par with labour pain! Feeling exhausted and in pain, I gave up....a decision I now bitterly regret.

If I could turn the clock back the things I would do differently are:

Stay in hospital longer to ensure BF was fully established.

ASK for help!!

Be better prepared. Find out in advance what support services are about.

I so wish I had been able to see the bigger picture and find a manageable way of getting through that difficult first few weeks. It doesn't help that at 4weeks old my son developed bacterial meningitis. He spent a week in hospital. I feel so guilty that I haven't given him the best start. I feel guilty that I have failed and everyone around me has succeeded. If any one else in on here and struggling right now, ask for help and keep trying for just a bit longer. Hopefully you will succeed and not have to feel this horrible guilt. X

Oh kipplin you have been all the way through the Advanced Textbook of Breastfeeding Miseries :( :( :(

Not your fault - even with the very bestest of help, you may not have overcome these really extreme problems.

Guilt is absolutely the opposite of what you should feel. Leave 'guilt' to people who deliberately and knowingly do wrong stuff - what did you do deliberately and knowingly wrong? Nothing! Instead, you can feel triumphant that you and your baby are here, snuggled up together, and loving each other to bits.

Now you are ff, you can have the same loving closeness at feed times as any bf mother - feed him skin to skin when you can, make sure you are the main person who feeds him (no pass the parcel round the relatives :) ) , respond to his cues, and feed in response to them, not the clock.

You're bound to be sad about the feeding, and the whole difficult early weeks period was one that didn't go smoothly for either of you, and that, too, is bound to make you wish things could have been different.

But all that is in the past and you can move on and enjoy your baby now - he will never blame you for not bf, and right now he needs to be loved and cuddled and adored above anything else and you are doing that :)

kipplin....come back :)

good golly kipplin, just look at what you went through! please don't feel guilty, you are giving your baby loads of love and security and smiles and cuddles and all that stuff which is what he will thrive on. Just look at that first paragraph 'I am sat snuggled up next to my lovely 8 week old boy'. That's what it's all about, not what milk he has. I'm sorry you had such a hard time, I really hope you can put the first couple weeks behind you. x

Thank you for your kind replies, you're both very lovely. I'm sure I will feel easier about the whole thing in time. I just wish I could turn the clock back and give myself a positive pep-talk. I just wanted other mummies in the same situation to keep going and get the support if they really want to BF.

For now I will continue to adore my baby and do the best I can for him in every other aspect. Xx

Woah kipplin that is a really rough start indeed. :(

I hope you and DS are now both feeling better and please ditch that guilt. It does absolutely nothing and the most important thing is that you are both well and healthy.

I could have written your post, including the beta blockers etc but without the menningitis.

Big bug hugs, its tough to feel like you have failed, but you haven't, feeding a baby is a tiny part of their existence, loving a baby is a huge huge part.
Your ds is very lucky to have such an inspirational mum. Don't heat yourself up with the stick of hindsight, the only way is up from here.

*beat