Breast feeding and visitors...

[PenelopeChipShop]

Just wondering how others have dealt with this in the very early days... I plan to bf my first baby (Having an elcs on Friday) but obviously I have no idea how I will get on with this or how on earth to do it discreetly!

Essentially what I'm worried about is that my ILs have said they are coming to see me in hospital on Saturday. The mws told me I won't be allowed to get up or even have the catheter removed until saturday morning so although i will be up I'm guessing will still be v sore and not terribly mobile. I'm not that comfortable with the idea of getting boobs out in front of FIL but if the baby is hungry I'll have to, won't I?!

What would u do or have done in that scenario? Do u find you aren't worried about it at the time or would u ask them to go outside for a bit? Or just get on with it shamelessly?

If you're uncomfortable then ask them to leave for a little while until baby has fed. They can go for a coffee and you can text them when you're finished.

Once you're home, I find the easiest, most discrete way to feed is by wearing layers. A nursing bra, a long, spaghetti strapped vest (Primark sell them for £2), and a t-shirt or jumper on top. Then you pull the jumper up, vest and bra down just leaving a small area exposed.

I think it's wrong for anyone but the baby's father (assuming a good relationship with the mother, of course) to presume it is ok to visit anyone in hospital, after a birth or an op and you will have had both.

Hospitals are not where we feel or look our best or feel at our most sociable.

To visit any new mother on day 2 (day 2!!!!?????) without her express invitation is over-stepping the mark - it might be fine for some people of course but it should be the mother's choice.

You do not need to be worrying about this the week you are due to have your baby.

Your dh can call them, and explain you are not sure how you will be feeling the day after the section and can they hold fire until you feel you are ready to see them? That does not need to be rude or unreasonable and anyone who cares for you will say 'oh, of course, just let us know when the best time to come is'.

And learning to bf after a section, or indeed after any sort of birth, is not a spectator sport, so if they do end up by your bedside, just ask them to disappear and someone will fetch them when you're ready.

1st baby I worried and it contributed to me failing bf, this time other than FIL (Muslim) I have whipped them out in front of everyone at home or in public. Get a light scarf to put around your neck and pull a "loop" down to cover, once you are latched on there really isn't much to see when pulled down as far as baby's nose (I don't cover her head) so ask whoever to step out/look away as you latch on and cover up.

Tips - don't try and wait to feed it will stress you.

Don't lock yourself away (unless you want to as an excuse ;)) otherwise you will feel left out and tied down

Just be honest if you need privacy, my dad is ok when covered but not with "visible" so I just said "feeding now" and whoever was uncomfortable looked away.

You do get used to it, dad came and was stroking baby's head without even realising she was attached the other day, when I said "ahem Dad!" you should have seen his face, after that it was embarrassment free!

Oh and I agree with pp you need time to get used to it yourself so be honest and say you don't know how you will feel so you will call them if they can visit, don't turn up without that call.

1st time round everyone turned up at hospital (I was in 3 days) and again it put me off bf.

2nd time I was in only 4 minutes to have her and 4 hours obs yet my mil, bil and his wife and my parents all managed to turn up 30 minutes after birth! I was still naked under a sheet and hadn't showered or anything!

I was stronger this time and told the mws exactly who was allowed in (Mil, mother and my dad if he could handle the blood and bf) and turned bil and his wife away. They never said anything after, probably because when DH got back from the car where he had been to get my bag he booted them all out again much to the mws pleasure, as she was they were there.

Agree with Tiktok. I understand the ILs wanting to see their new grandchild but you'll be recovering from major surgery, trying to bond with a new baby and getting to grips with BF. You don't need to have to worry about visitors. Why not wait and see how you feel and tell them if you want them to visit.

Get DH to stand up for, you don't need the hassle at the moment. Part of his job is to make sure visitors don't overstay their welcome so that you can rest and get to know your new baby.

Good luck with the section, hope all goes smoothly :)

softly "yet my mil, bil and his wife and my parents all managed to turn up 30 minutes after birth" :( :(

As a breastfeeding counsellor, this makes me mad as anything! Quite apart from bf issues, the time after birth is quiet, private, loving and calm, for the new immediate family to enjoy alone.

It is not a family party.

What difference does it make to grandparents and uncles and cousins to wait a few days to see the baby - the baby doesn't care. I also hate it when each family member has to have a 'turn' holding the brand new baby, with the camera recording it. That baby needs to be close to his mum and dad all the time, not passed round like a parcel for the fun of everyone else.

Grrrr.

Thanks for the advice, I think I'd better brief my DH that he might have to ask them to step out for a bit if needed and generally handle them for me! I don't want to ask them not to come as understand they are excited and it doesn't seem fair to treat them differently to my parents - I'm quite keen that my own mum does come to see me on day two in order to get advice etc! No one else though.

Thanks for the tips on long vests as well, that sounds a good idea. Will see if I have the energy to swing by primark this week to get some!

Learning to bf after a section is hard work. I found that family members even my mum were happy to nip for a brew whilst I tried to get dd to munch. 15 weeks in I'll get her fed wherever.

I do see where you're coming from with the 'equal treatment' approach for your own parents and your in-laws, but (at the risk of derailing the thread entirely and cueing folks up to spout forth about relationships with their respectives), it IS different with your own mother...

I had an almost pathological, biological, hormonal tug towards my own mother when I had DS (still do, 9 months on). I physically and mentally needed her there soon after. The same cannot be said for MIL!

Honestly, being hooked up to a catheter, probably having canulas in your hands etc post-surgery, plus feeling generally steamrollered, makes those early days very taxing. You need to be free to be with your baby without the 'pass the parcel', as Tiktok says. In those early days, too many smells, touches and stimulation can be very upsetting for a newborn, who really just wants you (and a good bit of Dad goes without saying, but mainly you).

If you're happy for your family and in-laws to visit that's great, but make sure they do not alter your behaviour one iota. If you need to sleep, sleep. If you need to feed, feed. If you need them to leave, either tell them yourself, or agree on a sign or codeword with DH to ask them to!

I agree with mombo - if you have a lovely relationship with your own mum and want/need her there for support, then that's wonderful. You don't need to be thinking about 'equal shares' in a baby a few days old, and anyone who is a caring person understands the difference between the bond you have with your mother and the in-law relationship, which can also be warm and supportive but which is not the same :)

Really, the point is, what do you want for yourself and your baby? What is going to make life less worrying for you this week (when you are anticipating) and at the end of this week, with your new little person to care for and get used to? You are at the centre of things and what you want should override everything else - I'll say it again, nice people who want the best for you will understand and accept that :)

Look out for something called a Bebe Au Lait. It helped me breast feed in public later as well. Breast feeding in the early days is relentless and lonely. If there are any visitors you feel comfortable with, get them to come and sit with you. Have a book/Kindle nearby to while away the time. Don't look at the clock, just feed, feed and feed. And as for who visits you in hospital, that is entirely your choice. I was so proud (I was scheduled for an ELCS and had an EMCS) that I wanted to show my baby off to all and sundry. And when I wanted to feed, just told people to step outside and get me some food so I wasn't eating hospital food. gave them something to do and gave me some space. Having said that my hospital had pretty limited hours anyway, and I was glad to hand the baby over then and take a shower/nap if I wasn't feeding. So just do what feels comfortable.

*tiktok yes mws were a bit agog, my friend (Turkish) had it worse she came home to extended family (think as far as cousins plus kids!) all in
Her house awaiting the baby and having a party, 2 days home and baby was back in hospital with dehydration as she missed all feeding cues from baby being passed around.

Ask them to wait until you are home and can escape to your own bedroom. Failing that, just tell them to go to the dayroom when you're feeding.

Personally I'd only let your DH and possibly your own mum visit until you're on your feet at least. Basically unless you're happy for them to see you topless then you shouldn't be expected to see them until #bf is established and you're on your feet again. Much as I love my Dad and PIL they weren't welcome in the first few days.

Very good point Mombo I think it is just different with my mum, I have no problem with her seeing me in any state but the ILs not so much!

I tried bringing this up with DH today and he just looked blank, this hadn't occurred to him at all! He was also talking about going out for dinner with his parents that evening but I was hoping they would just stay for a bit and then leave, so he could stay with me and the baby as late as possible, surely that is more important than entertaining them!! I'm beginning to get a bit worried that the reality of life with a baby is going to be a massive shock to him.

at Softlysoftly's poor friend!

Penelope. I think your dh will "get" it once he sees his baby. Something happens to them, and despite being largely useless during pregnancy they suddenly become all protective and practical (uses huge sweeping statement to describe basically what happened to my husband :o)

It's great you are discussing this now with him. I've had two sections and first time everyone came to the hosp and it was awful. I needed time to recover, hold baby, learn to feed. Second time strictly no visitors til I went home and then I enjoyed their visits. Your dh job is to manage your visitors so he needs to get his head round that

I would avoid at all costs any visitors. My FIL turned up the day after i gave birth (he happened to be in London at a conference and actually lives 250 miles away). I had had a Ventouse extraction, endless (badly done) stitches and could hardly move, and the only saving grace was that the baby slept so I did not have to attempt to feed etc in front of him on what was day 2!

I hope he turns out to be like yours Headfairy! Not trying to say he's clueless or anything but he is sort of relentlessly positive - I don't think he realises that there will difficult times whereas I'm trying to effectively prepare myself!

I had a section (emcs though, so different from your situation) and I just kicked out any visitors when I needed to feed (I didn't have to kick my own DMum out as she went on holiday the day after DD was born ).

Eventually, I had been trying for days to bfeed and getting nowhere so I took the midwife's advice to 'restrict' visitors by essentially telling the midwife station that I wanted no visitors at all. Nobody was put out (as far as I'm aware), and I managed to get sorted and go home 24 hours later, so mission accomplished!

I am now expecting DC2 and plan to have no visitors in hospital at all, as it really affected my ability to get bf sorted and I want to get going and get home as quickly as possible this time.

I was delighted to see my visitors and my baby slept loads and never wanted to feed during visiting time. When I got home I just made my excuses and went to the bedroom until I was confident. Good luck!

Oh and I would have hated not having any visitors at all, though I was in for four long sore lonely nights.

DH needs to be your door bitch for the first few weeks, they call him if they want to come, he says yes or no depending how you feel, you shouldn't need to worry about anything but your lovely newborn and getting to grips with breastfeeding.

Lol at 'door bitch'! I will give him his instructions!