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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

upset about feeding

13 replies

getyerfactsright · 15/06/2012 12:27

When I fell pregnant my partner told me that I had to breastfeed or he would be very disappointed in me. Some of his family said something similar. This made me feel quite uncomfortable. I was going to try, of course, but to be told it wasn't my choice to make felt..I don't know..quite oppressive. They spoke about formula fed babies with a real sense of pity, shame even. Formula seems to be, in their eyes, poison.

Anyway - I did try, persevering through bouts of mastitis, a poor latch, a fast let down that meant DS was uncomfortable feeding and bad reflux that meant he could only comfortably feed upright, which was near impossible a lot of the time. I saw several breastfeeding advisors to get help but even they couldn't get me feeding well. Eventually, when bf was clearly not working, I tried giving expressed milk every feed for several weeks but was completely exhausted pumping and feeding non-stop to the point where I had to introduce some formula. DS is now mix fed EBM and formula.

I got quite depressed about feeding not working out, but as I come out of that fog of sadness, I am starting to feel so fucking angry about the things DP and fam said to me about formula. I'm a young mother, my own family aren't involved, and none of my friends have babies so my partner and his family were my only source of advice. I don't know what I'm asking really, just needed to rant.

OP posts:
BlackOutTheSun · 15/06/2012 12:30

I would tell them to fuck off tbh

You tried, it didn't work out, move on. Tho in your place I would still be very angry about it.

sherbetpips · 15/06/2012 12:30

strangely I was also upset and depressed about not feeding but for different reasons - my mum and my sister said I wouldnt be able to as they hadn't I was determined to prove them wrong - I struggled on for 10 weeks until the HV told me to stop as I was too tired and losing too much weight. For some reason baby seemed to be putting weight on fine.
Different reasons but still the same upset and anger - I guess what I am trying to say is there is a lot of pressure on a new mum, try not to dwell on it and get on enjoying your little one! good luck x

EauRouge · 15/06/2012 15:10

Sorry they were so unsupportive :( And they were unsupportive! Simply saying that they think you should breastfeed is no kind of support at all, even to the most determined breastfeeder, if you are experiencing challenges. Expressing that much milk is no picnic, you are doing very well!

Is there a breastfeeding counsellor locally that you can speak to (NCT, LLL etc)? They don't just help with the technical side of things, they are also trained to listen and help you with the emotional side. It might help to have a good rant and get things off your chest, and then maybe you'll be able to find a way for you to be happier with your choices- not your in-laws' or your DH's choices.

getyerfactsright · 15/06/2012 18:21

get things off your chest boom boom!

seriously, thanks everyone. I am just so angry. I fully support all the pro-breastfeeding messages out there but it's so upsetting when people say how awful formula is, some of us just don't have a choice! What I also found difficult was the fact that the HV's I saw were all supportive of my decision to introduce some formula (I'd go so far as to say they looked relieved - got the feeling they were encouraging me towards this decision without being able to say it iyswim) but they then weren't 'allowed' to give me any real advice on which formula to pick for a fussy baby with digestive issues, which bottles might work best and how to do it. This is just plain silly. I had no one around me who could give me bottlefeeding advice.

EauRouge good point about getting in touch with a breastfeeding counsellor about my feelings. In my darkest moments I feel like I didn't try hard enough and I could have made it work if I'd wanted to more, and I guess I do need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that I made the best decision for the health and happiness of my child and my own sanity!

OP posts:
EauRouge · 15/06/2012 18:43

Oh, sorry for the terrible pun, I wasn't thinking Grin

It sounds as though the HVs you saw were lacking in both time and training. It's sad that you weren't given proper support at all.

I hope that if you do chat to someone then it helps you to sort out in your mind what has happened :)

jenniferkk · 15/06/2012 20:33

I think you are fully justified in your anger.

While I would accept that breast is best etc I'm my personal experience formula and a happy mum beats a hungry baby and a depressed mum any day.

Some women can't breast feed in one of them, tried like mad and the only results were a dehydrated skinny baby that I dreaded trying to feed.

The morning after we switched to formula was the first time I danced with my baby.

Being a mum is so much more then feeding

Enjoy your baby

balkanscot · 15/06/2012 21:57

I second "happy mum = happy baby". As somebody who has also been unable to get the hang of breastfeeding (went to numerous BF clinics, watched videos, read pamphlets/internet pages, saw a lactation consultant/counsellor who came to my home) I totally understand how you may be feeling with regards to your DP's view. Personally I was supported by my DH with whatever choice in the end that I decided to make (which is currently EBM and topping up with Aptamil). Same as jenniferkk, I was dreading feeding times during my brief BF days and not enjoying my baby at all because all I was thinking was "is it going to work out or not?" As for the feelings of guilt/inadequacy/not being "a woman enough"... I won't bore you with it - I am sure every mum who has tried and not succeeded BFing will know all too well.

I still think that BF is best but if it doesn't work out, for whatever reason, we are lucky to have an alternative. If I ever have another child I will definitely attempt to BF again - it may just work out. :)

Let's enjoy the joys of motherhood - BF is not be all and end all.

balkanscot · 15/06/2012 21:58

And forgot to say that the whole experience has nearly driven me to a nervous breakdown/PND.

butterybiscuitbass · 15/06/2012 22:31

For many of us Desperataly trying to BF without success it is exhausting and upsetting and this is with support from family and partner so I'm so sorry about your experience. Maybe your DP had no idea how hard the reality was, apart from the idealisation of BF that most of us start out with? Has he softened since you have suffered? I guess that's personal... By the way you have ALREADY done the very best you can for your baby so ditch any guilt- my GP taught me the mantra is "breast is best but formula is fine". Yours in solidarity x

getyerfactsright · 16/06/2012 17:04

Thank you, yes DP has admitted he was rather heavy-handed and unprepared for the difficulties we faced. I think he thought breastfeeding was going to be rather more straightforward. Ha!

OP posts:
Herrena · 16/06/2012 17:13

I would have been so pissed off if my DH or any of his family had treated me like that!! You've done very well and should be proud of yourself, so sod all of them and their (presumably mostly) unsolicited opinions.

Weirdly, I 've got the reverse problem to you this time round; attempts to BF DS1 didn't work out and we switched to FF at 8 weeks. Since he's such a healthy little chap now at 1 year, DH is quite keen to repeat the exact same process with DS2 (due in 5 weeks) and doesn't really get why I want to give BF another go!! It takes all sorts I guess. He will support my decision though, because he's good like that and will get it in the neck if he doesn't Grin

brettgirl2 · 17/06/2012 18:49

FWIW I think that fathers do have the right to a say in how their babies are fed, but. My DH wanted me to breastfeed dd1 but when it resulted in dehydrated shrinking baby he changed his mind and put pressure on me to stop which also made me pretty angry. I blamed him for the failure in my mind for quite a while and was angry with hin. Dd2 he learnt his lesson but the same thing happened and I independently gave up at exactly the same time.

I think men badly underestimate the emotional side of it for mothers. Please try and accept what has happened and enjoy your baby.

Iggly · 17/06/2012 18:55

Bloody hell who are these people?! I put myself under immense pressure to BF through some hellish times so can't imagine how you felt.

I hope you've made your peace with your decision and haven't had to deal with any more crap.

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