DH/DP and natural term breastfeeding

[fhdl34]

I was wondering if there was anyone out there who is breastfeeding their older baby (1yr+) without the support of their DP/DH and how you handle it.

DD is 5 months old and whilst pregnant I agreed with DH that I'd breastfeed to a year as this would negate the need for formula and then DD could have cows milk. I also felt, at the time, that it wasn't right to feed past a year as that was weird. However, I realised within a couple of months of her being born that it isn't weird to feed past a year and I might want to allow her to self-wean instead. I broached the subject with DH at the time and he was really not keen. I thought he'd kind of come round to the idea because I kept on about it but this weekend, whilst my sister was here, breastfeeding came up and they both said how feeding an older baby is really mostly for the mother and it became clear to me that DH still wouldn't be happy with it. I don't see what he could do to stop me if I chose to continue feeding DD past a year but I would really prefer us to be on the same page about it. I've told him about the health benefits for DD but he just thinks it's weird and there is no need.

I'm not bothered about the views of my other family members as it's nothing to do with them but DH's views do matter and I don't want to disregard them but I also want to allow her to self wean. TBH I don't think she'd feed for years and years as if my periods have returned by the time she's a year, we'll be TTC again so my milk will probably disappear and she's quite an independent little thing anyway and I'd say attached to me and DH equally.

So, does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I've just joined La Leche League and may bring it up at the next meeting if I'm brave enough.

'a year' probably seems a very long way away to your dh and he probably feels that her dd will be 'much older' by then.. but it will happen gradually and he'll be as unlikely as you to want to just stop on the day of her first birthday if she doens't want to stop.

if i were you i'd try not to worry about it at all for at least another four or five months.. (while continuing to subtly 'normalise' the idea with your dh).

Hi fhdl, I'm currently feeding DD, who is now 19 months old, and I'm also around 10 weeks pregnant. I'd told myself I'd feed her for 6 months if I could manage it. Now look at us! When going back to work, someone told me that it is possible to just keep a bedtime feed going (I'd kind of assumed everything would just dry up once I went back to work). So here I am, still giving a quick night feed (still works a treat and she goes to bed all happy and relaxed) and maybe a quick morning nap when she wakes up.

I think DP is wondering just how long this is going to go on for... but as nobody (except for me, DD and DP) sees us feeding he's not that bothered (especially as a happy toddler makes for a more restful evening). Might be a different story if I was still getting my norks out in public with a walking/talking toddler. I'm hoping I'll have a bit of a break before baby number 2 arrives (would be nice to get my boobs to myself for a while) and she naturally weans (my midwife says they often stop when the colostrum starts).
So see how it all goes! Good luck

Agree with maybenow - you have plenty of time yet.

The World Health Organisation recommends 2 years of bf-ing. For health reasons, not just for the mother (!).

And from my own experience of weaning my DS at 1 year, he did get quite poorly for 6 months afterwards. May be just coincidence, but that's one of the reasons I have decided to continue feeding DD (she is now 16 months). She also won't take a bottle or drink any other milk, so really I have no choice but to continue - so you might want to warn your DH that it may not be up to him (or even you)!

Also - your DH may think that you will be feeding at this intensity when your DD is 12 months or older. And you won't. I only feed DD twice a day. I don't feed at night. I can take the occasional night off and have been away & my supply has been fine. So it won't stop you getting on with your life - which may be a concern of his (even if he isn't articulating it). I rarely bf in public these days, though of course wouldn't care if I did, but again this may be something that bothers your DH.

So - in short: do it when you are ready; do it when your LO is ready; remember there are proven health benefits for extended bf-ing; and assess it nearer the time, as you both may feel differently by then. And above all: it is YOUR choice not your DH's (he isn't coming across as a particularly enlightened individual....).

Definitely bring it up at the LLL meeting - you definitely won't be the only one, although there probably will be some proper lentil-weaving types with happy hippy husbands who are wonderfully supportive so just be aware!

There's a great LLL leaflet called "Still breastfeeding" which is aimed mainly at DPs/friends and family (although I wasn't quite brave enough to show it to friends and family!) which outlines the benefits and the reasons why it's okay or beneficial to carry on. As others have said too, she's 5 months old now - feeding a toddler seems years away at this stage and it's hard to imagine feeding a child older than the one you have. DS is 3.8 and we're still feeding, I first went to La Leche League when he was about 17 months old, and my friends I've met through there now say he was the oldest child they'd ever seen feed before. If I'd have seen anyone feeding a 3 year old then, I probably would have found it strange. Now I am so used to natural term breastfeeding I tend to assume all children of that age are still being breastfed it's funny how accustomed you get to it. That photo on the front of Time Magazine recently seemed perfectly normal to me, yet I remember feeling a bit "squicked" when I saw someone breastfeeding a child of about age 4 on a documentary when DS was younger.

It's also very different to feed a toddler in a way it's hard to imagine when you have a

When I had DS1 5.5 years ago I was going to stop breastfeeding after exactly 6 months. Little did I guess that I'd still be feeding 5.5 years later. DS1 self-weaned when DS2 was around 3 months, and he is still feeding at 3. Over time, the attitude of my family has changed considerably, or perhaps they just know not to mention it these days.

DS2 rarely feeds during the day unless he is poorly, and it was so handy to have when he had chicken pox recently. Just go with the flow. You may find your DD decides for you.

I would ignore him and carry on for as long as you feel is right for you and DD. I think he would soon change his view about feeding past one when your lovely peaceful bedtimes are replaced by a crying DD because she wants the boob and can't have it.
I am still feeding my one yr old and intend to let him self wean. I am lucky though as my dh is very supportive. I would show him the WHO recommendations and carry on regardless. He will just have to deal with it!

Would your DH be more open to just seeing how it goes? Most people have no experience of seeing an older baby or toddler being breastfed so they don't understand the benefits (thinking it is 'all about the mother' is sadly very common) or the practicalities of it.

Once your DH sees how valuable breastfeeding is as a parenting tool then maybe he'll come around to it.

And yes, defo bring it up at LLL! See if your group has a copy of 'Mothering Your Nursing Toddler' that you can borrow. Some groups also have toddler meetings if there's enough of a demand.

Agree with others. Natural term breatfeeding is something that evolves rather than being consciously orchestrated. Your DH is seeing a little baby wanting to be fed all the time and imaging that you will have a toddler hanging off your boob in the same way.

I am jealous of all you extended feeders; I wanted to feed DD until she was at least 2 but she stopped of her own accord shortly after her first birthday.

Breastfeeding after one is NOT just for the mother. If it was I probably would of stopped feeding dd2(3.6) and dd3(1.10) a long time ago.

We had to wean Dd2 as she wouldn't sleep without breastfeeding and I had had enough of 2 hour bedtimes, she has some attachment issues after dd3 was born. DD3 is still going and we will maybe look at weaning after she turns 2. I wanted to self wean both of them as it is milk for their benefit not mine. If it was for mine then I would be forcing them to feed and any mother who has breastfed knows that you cannot force a baby to breastfeed.

Keep feeding as long as you want to do. If you get to 1 year and go cold turkey you run the risk of engorgement, blocked ducts and even mastitis, not to mention pain. It is much better for you to take it one day at a time and if you or baby wants to drop a feed then try it.

Dp might not like it but would he physically stop you?

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'll see if I can pluck up the courage to talk about it at the next LLL meeting. I think at the moment he only sees breastfeeding as nourishment. Perhaps once she starts solids in a couple of weeks he'll see it's about comfort and other things as well. Another thing that crossed my mind last night is that he's all for baby led weaning and we've both been very baby led so far so allowing her to self wean is really just continuing in the same vein. I'll perhaps save that reasoning for when she's older. I think a big part will be if she ever wants to feed in front of his family. They've accepted me BFing but I'm sure once she starts her solids they'll be asking me when I intend to stop feeding her as they asked when she was just a few weeks old how long I planned to feed her for.

my husband made 'bitty' comments but then woke up to sense when dd1 got older. fed her for 3 years through pregnancy and tandemed a bit and was glad as i think it helped in a small way her adjustment

currently plan same for dd2

Thanks otchayaniye, nice to hear of a DH whose opinion was turned.
DH said tonight that as I have oversupply perhaps I'll be able to keep on expressing when she's older so she's still getting breastmilk. I said that I thought he didn't want her to have it when she's older and he said that he didn't want her to breastfeed. I didn't say anything, I'm not going to push the issue right now as we have other family issues to deal with (our elderly relatives seem to all be getting ill at the moment) but hopefully once she's on solids and he can see that there are other reasons to BF than just to provide nourishment, I hope he'll see denying DD if she isn't ready to wean would really be rather mean.

Oversupply tends to even out eventually anyway - most people can't express much past 9 months unless you've got into a pattern of doing it regularly.

And besides, expressing is madness when you could just feed her directly! Talk about doubling your workload! :)

I wonder like you if he will change his mind once she's on solids. It really is about more than just food.

WRT DH's family, I would just avoid feeding her there once she gets past 9/12/18 months/however old you feel comfortable. They understand after a certain age that they're only allowed to feed at home if you choose to do it that way. Oh, and once she starts talking make sure you teach her a neutral word so that she doesn't announce "I want BOOBIE!" in front of the grandparents-in-law I used "milk" and if he asked for it away from home I'd ask the host if they could possibly provide some cow's milk in a cup for him, he seemed happy with that although sometimes he'd whisper "No I want milk from you, Mummy" and I'd whisper back "Have this now and you can have some of my milk when we get home"

Why don't you ask if your LLL group do any "family picnics" over the summer? Ours does and it's a nice way for all the families to meet up as well as being a sneaky way to introduce DHs to the idea that breastfeeding is normal if they come from a family where it's perhaps not.

good luck.

I think both my husband and I really only thought of breastfeeding in terms of getting calories into a baby. We had no idea of anything. Christ, I even bought the GF books on the advice of a friend's nanny ...

But faced with your actual baby and what it takes to feed an early baby (and yes, you can feed for 18 hours out of 24) I think we both did a pretty big volte face and went down what for shorthand you would call the AP route (no pram, even two children down the line, co-sleeping, slinging for naps, gentle discipline etc etc)

So as our first got older we both saw the benefits (or at least comforted ourselves that there were benefits!) of the nurturing side of bfeeding -- being able to get a baby to sleep, being free to go anywhere because you could sling and feed a baby to sleep. Not getting ill (seriously, touch wood, neither child has ever been ill more than a cold or one bout of norovirus) so much, perhaps. I went back to work part time when she was 15 months and my husband went part time also and looked after her and he was grateful that I was still feeding as it meant we could reconnect and that helped the adjustment.

You don't wake up at 12 months and they magically don't look like they don't need it. Also remind him that you may be feeding in the morning and at night -- not 3 hourly. Feeds can be very quick, not megalong sofa sessions. She can still be given a cup of drink by someone else. Also remind him that stopping at one year may come with tears and upset, so why not carry on.

In his shoes, before I had a feeding toddler and preschooler I'd have thought a talking child would have needed to have been independent, and not on mother's breast, but I was talking in ignorance then!

My DD will be a year old next week. I intended to BF for a year when she was born as then I could just switch to cows milk. Then, as I got to know more about BF and realised guidelines were 'at least two years', I thought, 'Ok then' and then I got to know even more about BF and just thought we'd probably continue until self weaning.

DH pretends to be OK with all that and in a lot of ways he is, but he is the sort of person who worries very much what others think (whereas I am more the stick two fingers up at anyone who disagrees with me type... ) and I think he does worry other people will think he has a strange wife or that it's weird.

Without any doubt, DH wants what is best for our DD. However, I have some problems with one breast which require surgery and I am putting that off in order to let DD self wean. It does means I am in some pain/discomfort around 80% of the time and I know DH worries about me. I recently went out for the day and was gone for around 12 hours and obviously in that time DD didn't breastfeed and just had water/a bit of cows milk. so then DH came out with 'well, she obviously doesn't need to BF, does she even have many feeds in a day?' and I had to explain to him that it's very different if I am here and she will still have 8-12 feeds a day, albeit most of them short. I also asked him if he thought cows milk was better for our daughter than breastmilk and I don't think he'd have dared say yes tbh. Plus, he knows it isn't.

Occasionally we get comments like above and he did once say to my in laws 'well, the trouble with breastfeeding is that they start lifting your top up etc in public' to which I replied that could only happen if I let it (well, for now at least ) and I admit I called him ignorant, but he was being. Again, I think it comes down to worrying what others think and it was almost as if he wanted them to know it was my decision to keep BF, not his.

Midori, this may be completely unhelpful of me but I have only ever fed from one breast. DS2 is 3 now and only feeds from the left. I work full-time so his daytime access is limited but feeds now are morning and evening only.

Thanks Llareggub, I've been feeding from one side for around 3 months now. It has stopped the recurrent mastitis I was getting, but the problems I am having are unrelated to breastfeeding, although breastfeeding (or milk production in that side) does seem to exacerbate it. Unfortunately I can't get a surgeon to operate on me until I have completely finished breast feeding.

My DH was very odd about it. He was vaguely supportive of BF (whilst thinking I wouldn't succeed because he'd never known anyone who had so the idea of natural term just didn't compute) but wanted to know how long for and found the idea of a walking talking person wanting noob a bit odd. Now we're nearly 14months on and I'm very open that it's worked so far so I'll keep going one day at a time l, he sees DS have other milk without a fuss and he admits it's a pretty good solution for everything.

I now don't really feed outside home and although we're TTC he's agreed to give it until DS is 2 before we start thinking about weaning to get fertility back.

It definitely evolves. At 5 months, DH would have had a fit if I'd said I was still going to be bf'ing at 2.5 years. He's okay about it now (would probably rather I stopped but realises it makes everyone's life easier - and means he doesn't have to deal with night wakings ).

DS has always been very attached to bf, but is losing interest now I'm pg again.

at AngelDog. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and DS (2.9) has yet to lose interest in breastfeeding!

In response to the OP, I think you just keep going, don't bother trying to get your DH on side at the point. I didn't imagine I'd be still feeding DS at this stage, and DH certainly would have thought it odd if I'd mentioned it at 5 months. He's quite supportive most of the time now, except for the odd comment here and there when I'm complaining about DS's habit of yelling 'boobies!' at me and pointing. DH said 'well.....if you weren't still feeding him'. But I've put him straight, fairly sure DS would do this even if he wasn't still feeding, just to be silly/annoying!