Comments on bf from ILs -- I know they mean well but....

[smallwonder]

Had a few anxieties about BF my DC4 (born a few days ago) but needn't have been, latch has been great, mw was happy, felt I had the support necessary to give it a real go.
MIL arrives at hospital, take DC and says 'OMG can you hear all that wind he has', 'You'll need to give him a bottle' DH and I explain its not about giving a bottle, he's just windy (remind her of DC1) and that all is well.
Continues to make huge fuss and reminds me that DC1 did not gain a lot of weight because of our selfishness to insist on bf.
'You need to give a bottle so we can help/so you can get some sleep/recover from surgery/so that he can sleep for longer and be happier'.
The worst part is his wind which he's had from birth. It is apparently like this because i insist on b/f and obviously can't be doing it properly.
Advice anyone? She'll be staying a while to help with other DC and feel I need to leave my own living room now to avoid conversation when bf.
Thanks.

You must have the most almighty wish to tell her to 'Fuck off' and leave you to it!!
Surely she knows that by your 4th DC you know what your doing??!!
We are mammals and therefore our babies do best on our milk. Formula would only exacerbate the wind/digestive difficulties.

She may have to go home a little earlier than expected. Mummy comes first. Tell your dh to step up and tell her to back off as she's making you uncomfortable in your own home.

Good luck and Congratulations!!!

1. our parents' generation have a warped view of bf'ing as they were given no support and bottle feeding was the thing to do then

2. she's jealous that you can do something for the baby that you can't. She wants endless grandma cuddles and knows that won't happen if you are bf'ing. She'll have to get over that, pure and simple. If you do want to introduce a bottle in due course, mixed-feeding (I've done this with DC2) is perfectly possible and you get the best of both worlds, a rest when you need it.

3. the wind could happen with bottle-fed babies too.

Bf'ing is hard work, especially in the first days/weeks when it takes ages. But it does get quicker and easier. Keep at it and well done!

I found the 'you must have found it really hard to cope when you were first a parent with such a lot of myths about feeding floating about. It's lovely these days now so much research has been done and I can be confident in my decision to breastfeed' works wonders.

Or 'could you get me a glass of water from the restaurant on the bottom floor of the hospital please'. (then lock the ward door).

Tell her to look after the other children.

Say "thanks but I've spoken to the MW/HV and she says everything is fine"

Say "thanks but I think I'm ok, this being DC4"

Even if you do bottle feed, baby should only be fed by mum and dad anyway and not passed around. Babies need their mums not constant harassment by grandparents.

Oh and WRT weight gain, mine both went from the 15th percentile to 99th in four weeks on BM so ner to her argument it's slow weight gain. Your baby is predisposed to gain weight in a pattern that is appropriate to your baby, not someone elses, not hers and definitely not in any blinking red book.

you say that "they mean well"

no they don't - they are trying to undermine your choice

tell them to stop undermining you and ignore them

it is very early days yet - good luck

Oh I feel for you. My IL's were the same. I think its a generation thing. As in, there is a whole generation who were fed the idea that "bottle is best".

I got told that my child MUST be dehydrated (just couldn't understand that baby gets everything they need from breast milk).

Shaking of heads and disappointed "that child just needs a good meal"

Oh and my breasts were referred to as mammeries like it was some sort of science experiment. How women have done this for thousands of years just didn't seem to register.

Your DH needs to step up. Mine did, and whilst the comments continued til I stopped, it did calm down to reproachful looks every now and then.

You have just given birth, you feel vulnerable, your DH needs to do his caveman bit and protect you. Just one or two little comments along the lines of "Thanks for your advice but this is what smallwonder and I have decided is best, so just leave it alone please".

Good Luck! And of course congratulations - I miss breatfeeding. Enjoy.

Also some babies gain weight faster than others anyway. We're not all destined to be sumo wrestlers and provided baby looks healthy, poos and wees plenty then it's fine.

Thanks for the replies. Glad I posted now.
Probably need to be more assertive just trying to keep everyone happy. Four small children and a section means needing all the help I can get and not wanting to offend anyone around. I think it's called trying to keep the peace or not rocking the boat

Get your DH to speak to her. He can't offend her as easily. Also you can emphasise how gratefull you are. And like other posters said, just say you've had advice from health proffessionals and they are happy with you.

When DS2 asked when he could hold his baby MIL replied saying 'when mummy starts using a bottle you'll be able to hold him and feed him then'. I did feel terribly under pressure when 3 grandparents were waiting for 'their turn' to cuddle (which meant going out to waiting room to coo over baby for ages in front of everyone) while I sat just wanting to have my own DC to myself. 'Tell us when you're finished we'll come back and get him'.
Anyway, they are looking after DC now, hopefully not something that will keep happening. Definitely vulnerable in first day post baby!!!!

Small oh lovely!! Tell her to go away! Nothing I can really add other than DS1 was a very windy baby and he was bottle fed so it isn't a guarantee is it?

Get DH to tell her to back off.

Hope you're ok!

Thanks McKayz, I'm absolutely fine (just a bit sore and tired) but don't like feeling under pressure to justify my decision to BF. My dad was the exact same when he was around with other DC, usual comments were 'Give the child a good feed FFS, he needs proper food' and so on. I think as others have said, its a generation thing. It's just so frustrating when you're tired and doing your best to make it work to have no support. Thank you.

I was always told that breastfed babies get less wind then bottlefed (see here www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/health/wind/#6 ). So baby being windy is reason to carry on breastfeeding and not ff. So tell mil to shove that in her pipe and smoke it [smug grin]

Why did that link not work ...hmmm try again: www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/health/wind/#6

There is no reason why ff would help with wind, more likely to get wind from drinking from a bottle (I notice this when bf ds gets ebm from a bottle - always windier).
I think what she said to your older boy was awful. He had asked about holding, and the reply implies you are denying him something? I wouldn't be able to listen to much more of that.

Also one final point, you are in fact human OP are you not? So why on earth would cows milk be more suitable than human milk. Your in laws are clearly either thick or bovine (I'm willing to wager it's a bit of both ).

I always thought bottle feeding made wind worse?

How dare she give you advice when you've had 4 kids.

I had similar though from FIL (everytime dd cried 'does she want a bottle or something'). Its really great that you are getting help but I can really empathise with the wanting to leave your own living room plus looking back, in my case, I'm certain that my hormones contributed to it pissing me off more than it might have a few weeks later. As irritating as it is (and to preserve your help and good relationship) I would politely tell her that it would indeed make the wind worse and in fact, you'll get better rest because of bf because you can just lie down & feed having to sit up & feed in the night. I also found that the comments waned when I stuck with this standard response said in a polite but matter of fact way followed by a complete change of subject.
I think its a fact that some people just don't 'get' bf, so for your own sanity have to go with the ignorance rather than stress yourself trying to re-educate.
Congratulations on the fine job you are already doing & enjoy bf and try to ignore as much as possible!!

OP - please have your DH to put his foot down and say if she makes any more negative comments about BF she will not be welcome to stay. Only supportive people should be welcomed into your home at this fragile and precious time.

Congratulations on your dc!

this would drive me nuts!

I'm only on DS2 here, but we are getting significantly less in-law guff this time.

partly because it has all gone so well in comparison this time so there is less room for them to doubt that bf 'works'.

DS1 had a tongue tie and struggled and cried a lot the first couple of weeks. DS2 has fed like a trooper and seems huge even though he started 10oz smaller at birth.

I've just had to be a broken record about how it's not necessary to know how much he eats, or count any hours etc. they've asked hardly any stupid questions this time.

they're still managing to annoy me though, i blame hormones and lack of sleep. for some reason it's getting my back up when MIL says "look at him."

(oops hit post in my frenzy)

"look at him, what are you feeding that boy?"

lard twice a day of course!

I've also not hidden to feed this time as i was fed up sitting in DS's room last time. to be fair apart from not being able to look me in the eye they've coped ok.

so yes, just keep repeating yourself and leave them to it, they might get the idea eventually!

It's a wonder the human race survived for so long really isn't it, what did we do before ff? Maybe that's why so many animals are dying out around tge world

Get it too. My twin sister gave up breast feeding at 4 months, I'm still carrying on at 13 months (though I'm hoping DD will lose interest soon!). My family has been relentlessly bitching on about my breastfeeding since DD turned 4 months.

'She needs proper food'
'Breastmilk has nothing in it'
'Rod for your own back'

DD weaned herself on to food at 5.5 months and now eats anything, including strong flavoured chilli, garlic, veggies, mushrooms etc. And BM. My DN only eats yoghurt and chips, having been forcibly weaned at 4 months. I do think there's a link between a baby choosing to wean and fussiness, against one being forced to....?

My DSis recently referred to me breastfeeding DD as totally gross (and everyone I know agrees with me, she added). Sad really.

I'm a first-time mum, "breastfeeding like a trooper" to quote my mum! The mws were over the moon with my bf baby, she only lost 2.3% birth weight whilst being jaundiced, then put on 280g in 2 days. In 3 weeks she's put on 2lb being exclusively bf. Luckily I have amazing support from my mum. So it's bollocks that bf don't put on weight! I'd tell her to do one and thats it's your decision as a mother.