When do you decide enough is enough and switch to ff?

[melliebobs]

I know there's no real answer but I'm really at the end of my tether. Today dd has been up for a feed at 4am and has pretty much screamed since. I've been putting up with this for 8 weeks now. We're on stuff for reflux but it's not making a dent. So basically I feed her, I change her I try (unsuccessfully) to play with her then try cuddles. All of which she screams through. I try put her down but she won't settle. I then gets to a point where I don't know if she's crying for whatever set her off at 4 this morning or if she's hungry again. Either way 8 weeks of this I feel like the worst mum in the world and that I'm failing her and think it would be better for all of us for me to just go back to work.

Just rung dh in tears and he's strongly suggesting we go to formula. His reasons being dd might actually put some weight on. She was born 7lb15. She's 3 month now n just over 11lb4. He also said he can help out so I can have a break and we'd know how much she's getting so when she's having these screaming fits we can rule out hunger cos well know what shell have had. I'm really reluctant cos selfish as it is I WANT to bf and I've worked so hard the past 3 month at it I'm reluctant to give it up. It's also the one thing I feel I actually can do cos I seem to be failing at everything else.

I'm just going round and round in circles and don't know what to do for the best

Swaddling. For feeds to stop them wriggling and in general because they like it. Honestly its worth a try. Just really settles them.

No practical advice from me (pregnant with my first and planning to BF) but:

8 weeks of this I feel like the worst mum in the world and that I'm failing her and think it would be better for all of us for me to just go back to work.

and

I'm really reluctant cos selfish as it is I WANT to bf and I've worked so hard the past 3 month at it I'm reluctant to give it up. It's also the one thing I feel I actually can do cos I seem to be failing at everything else.

It sounds like you are very stressed and upset. Please make sure you get help from your DH or other family members between feeds. You are not a bad mother just because your baby cries and finds it difficult to settle. You are not being selfish in wanting to breastfeed - it could be the least selfish impulse you have.

Your baby isn't crying because you aren't a good enough mum, her crying is not a judgement on you. Honest. You are doing everything you can to help her. Hold onto that. She wants to be with you. She's just having a tough time with this reflux at the moment.

Sometimes babies cry and we do everything we can to soothe them and they still cry. There is value in someone (you, your DH or a helper - do feel free to take turns) just holding her/being nearby/speaking to her and letting her know that when she is upset or uncomfortable, someone cares enough to be there with her, even if they can't wave a magic wand and make the source of her discomfort go away. Its her first experience of human compassion. What you are doing is worthwhile and enough.

Keep feeding her, keep trying medicines for the reflux, keep trying out different ways of soothing her (in the hope of finding something she likes) from low stimulation like her lying on her slight incline in a darkened room with just a soothing hand, to dancing around the livingroom whilst holding her and singing and some fresh air walks in the pram or sling. Keep doing all the great things you are doing to try and help her. You are enough, honest.

About formula, (I agree with others that it might not solve the problem and make make her symptoms worse if she's intolerant to dairy/soya, and the change in diet may upset her) do remember that if you try it out and she does get some sleep or settled time, then it doesn't mean that you have to make the switch total or permanent. You could just start breastfeeding the next feed in a more relaxed state (when she and you have had a break) and see how that works.

I forget if you've said whether you/your dH have tried feeding her expressed milk? Does she take a bottle? I'd try this option before I'd try formula myself even though I can't stand the idea of faffing around with bottles at all and hope I'll find breastfeeding easy

Please feel free to redirect me to this post in a few months time when my baby is born. I so know it must be difficult to hear your baby cry when you've tried everything.

Take care of yourselves xx This isn't forever, she probably won't cry like this when she's 16.

I feel like I could have written nearly all of your post a few months ago. My son is now 6 months and a very happy healthy baby, but like your DD, had reflux and spent the first few months crying and not being able to settle. He was also slow to gain weight after being 8lbs at birth, but is now is over 16lbs.

I was determined to BF despite unsupporting inlaws and although my DH supported my decision to breastfeed, once it got hard to he tried to convince me to switch to formula and I was distraught as to what to do.

After much arguing we settled on giving him one bottle a day, sometimes in the afternoon or sometimes at night. Sometimes two when it got really hard. It gave my DH peace of mind and gave me a break, although i felt like a failure at the time it was the best thing we did. I relaxed because i felt like a bit of the pressure was taken off of me and DS was much better for this.

At 6 months his reflux is so much better and he's sleeping through most nights. So i'm sure as you DD grows, the reflux will decrease too. I'm gradually weaning him on BF, and i feel proud of myself for doing continuing when at the beginning it seemed impossible.

I'm not saying this is what you should do, i'm just trying to say that whatever you choose you shouldn't feel like a failure, because you're a wonderful mum. The best thing I've learnt about being a parent so far is to not beat yourself up if things turn out slightly differently than you'd planned. I wished i'd realised that mixed feeding was an option and no matter what you choice to do remember your baby has already had the best start it could have had, so well done!