not coping

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i wasn't sure where to post this and i know its not just about feeding so apologies. im having a bad day and could do with some support!

i am seriously starting to doubt about being 'able' to be a mum. my dd is 9 months and has just started crawling and is into everything - she never is still for a moment, is grabbing everything in sight. i just don't seem to have the energy - every single thing seems to require so much effort. im drained after just getting her ready in the morning. i find spoon feeding her difficult, i find changing her while shes wriggling about difficult - it just seems she has jumped from being an easy going baby to something i can't handle - and i know all this is normal development and is good for her - but i am finding it all so hard!

and i feel so guilty as a lot of people said they enjoyed their babies MORE when they could do a bit more (around 9 months). i know its just going to get harder for me as she starts to be able to do more, want more, become more demanding - and she really is a beautiful gorgeous girl and i love her so much, please don't get me wrong. its just that i feel i don't have whatever it takes to handle it all! i don't have thyroid probs or anything, got all that checked. i have mild depression and am on a low dose of ad.

the bf also is so hard - i love bf, but she will only sleep when she is on the boob during the day so it means i never get a break. if i move when she is sleeping, she wakes up and cries for the boob. also, she is feeding 2-3 times every night and im so tired.

is it just me that feels like this? i feel so guilty cos other mums seem to be able to just cope, and with more than one child too. i thought this was when it got easier, but she was a lot easier when a bit younger. i do have help a couple of days for a few hours and that does make a difference, but i still feel i can't cope

is it just me that feels like this?

Hell no! It's really tough once they get mobile. Other mums might seem like they are 'coping' but we all have moments where we find our child playing with the bog brush or taking cards out of our purses and putting them in the bin.

This is not an issue with your parenting at all- you obviously care enough to ask for help :) You sound like a great mum to me, it's clear that you really love your DD. Do you think this might be to do with your depression? Are you having counselling?

Parenting has its really tough periods and I think this is one for you- each phase passes and things change so it won't be like this forever.

What sort of support do you have- DH, friends, family? Do they know that you are feeling like this? Maybe you could chat with them and find some ways that they could help.

You say you find spoon feeding tiring- maybe you could try BLW instead? Then you could eat together and that might be less work for you.

Hang in there, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your DD and I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are :)

No most def not just you, depression or not, its hard work, although on positive side for me chasing about my ds who is 10 1/2 months does seem to be shifting a bit of my 'baby weight'.
I have days when i am totally exhausted, ds wont eat, and i feel at my wits end, then other days he is brilliant, will sit on my lap and wait at doctors, or politely eat toast while i make myself a cup of tea. i love him very much, but there are moments when he has just peed on me, or smeared poo all over the change mat beacuse he rolls as i am changing his nappy and i feel like i need a spare pair or two of hands, not to mention a dose of tolerance and patience, although dont think doctor can prescribe that!

Agree with eaurouge can you ask family for support, even if just to come over, share a cup of tea with you, ask them to make it, and hold an adult conversation?
i also found that at around 9 months i needed to get out of the house lots more, so we go out morning and afternoon to do something, i have found lots of nice groups, so have things planned four days a week, you could check out your local childrens centre, as they often have a few things going on.

My ds decided baby led weaning was the way for him, as began stealing broccoli, so now we sometimes go to a cafe and share area cake or a piece of toast, and he will sit in his highchair (most days?) this is great as means i am not chasing about all the time, and if we choose a table near the window he has loads to watch. I am told that if you have a baby who like peas or cheese, once they have developed a good pincer grip, you can settle them happily with bowl of peas or pile of grated cheese at highchair and they will sit happily for ages slowly munching through it, i am yet to achieve this!

hi thanks so much for your replies im so glad its not just me finding it so hard. i do give some finger foods - i will try more babyled weaning, i think that is the way for me to go now. she is just not interested with spoon feeding and it feels like a fight much of the time.

i have told mum its hard, she is great when she comes up but she lives quite far away so can't get up too often. she is off work tomorrow though, and is coming around lunch time so im very grateful.

going to cafe's etc is a good idea that way they she can entertain herself with bits of food etc - i will try the grated cheese, never thought of that. its just getting the motivation to get out. i did try to get out this morning, but the baby group started at 10, and i tried to feed dd before we went. she wouldn't feed, or sleep before we went, and so i didn't go in the end, because last week she had a melt down in the middle of it as was too tired and i had to bf her in front of everyone (it sounds silly, but i don't like bf in front of people anymore as she is too distracted and its just not easy she turns her head continually and it goes everywhere) i think thats what threw me today. i don't want to have to plan stuff around when she fancies her feeds but it seems to be what is happening. in hindsight i should have gone out, the melt down would have been better than staying in depressed trying to manage her.

thank you so much for the encouragement. i really do love her. im just finding things all a bit much at the minute. dh knows im very tired - we have been having some problems too in our marriage which haven't helped.

i was getting some counselling, i might think about going back.

Sling during the day, co-sleep at night, let her feed herself finger foods, those will all help with the tiredness and reduce your burden. And if you babyproof at least one room and put child gates on it you won't have to chase after her all the time, she can just play with anything around.

The wriggling while getting changed is unavoidable (although could be harder depending on what type of clothes she wears). You could make a bib out of a pillowcase for when she eats to avoid another change of clothes though.

thank you i can try all those things except the co - sleeping - tried loads of times and it made me sleep worse! at the minute she is happily sitting in her high chair eating toast and this has been the most relaxed its been in a long time in the morning! it keeps her occupied. so i have written myself a list of other suitable foods for her to eat herself to pick up.

it wil take me awhileto get out of the frame of mind im in but i think i can do it - being positive and getting a bit more support from family.

just to say I sympathise. My six month old is incredibly full on - can't crawl yet but still have to baby proof rooms cos he can get anywhere in a room by rolling and grabs cables, anything dangerous looking, wants to be held to stand up constantly and wants constant attention, is a terrific wriggler and has never been laid back. And is a big boy and wants to bf constantly. I started to wean him recently which helped a lot (he was starving), but a throat infection has put him off solids, so he is currently feeding every half hour at night.

These are I daresay the signs of a very healthy, bonny baby - sounds the same with your DD! I am sure that there are so many people with sickly little ones who would just love a scenario like this, but sometimes it is so tiring I want to cry so I feel your pain.

I also think that marriage issues make it ten times tougher. I don't have this issue, but OH and I both have a parent with a (very) life-threatening illness, and I have found it makes my head spin to be almost too tired to quite think about these huge, potentially live-changing issues in our lives if you know what I mean. It is incredibly difficult to have 'fun' with your baby whilst dealing with deep-seated background worries and foreground exhaustion.

Have you ever had a break from it? I say this because I've been quite rubbish at that (only had two hours away from him since he was born) but I'm planning to sod it and leave my son with OH while I go to a spa or something for a morning. For me, I just think a brief break and remembering the fun, pre-baby me would be the most helpful.

Also, don't beat yourself up. Objectively, it ain't easy, and people who say it is are normally lying I reckon ;)

No it is not just you!

DD is eleven months and is in to everything, doesn't take long naps. Still wakes often in the night. It is exhausting.

Does your DD sleep in a buggy? My DD will fall asleep in the buggy and then I can bring her home to sleep in it for a short nap while I have something to eat or jut sit mumsnetting

Can you find any afternoon baby groups? i find it hard to get it together to go to one at 10am!

Do you have any family nearby, or even interested older neighbours. I took DD to visit our neighbour yesterday. Neighbour delighted (her grandchildren are grown up) and was crawling around on the floor while I was able to sit at peace chatting!

it is so good and refreshing to hear from others. i honestly thought i was the only one. currently she is in her high chair, again having toast bits of cheese and broccoli and cucumber - anything she will eat really, after refusing a spoon feed. seems to be the only chance i get to sit and mumsnet.

crazyhead im so sorry to hear about both your parents. that must be so incredibly stressful - and like you say at times it is very difficult to have the joy with your baby when there is all that going on - but then again the baby is sometimes the saving grace in it all that gives you nuggets of happiness in such hard times. my baby sounds just like yours - never stops, hyperactive! i think it means they are intelligent - lol i will have to think of it as something good in any case. i think you should go for that spa break you will feel like a different person afterwards and really deserve it. i do get a break the odd time but usually its to do housework or lie down as im so tired. it would be lovely to have the energy to do something nice for a couple of hours. but im grateful for any spare time i get.

falling im glad you get a little time when your LO is in the buggy - mine will sometimes fall asleep but as soon as im home she wakes! thats so nice that you can go round to your neighbours - sounds perfect, and older people are chilled out too and love kids. i don't have anyone like that near me i would love that. i have others with kids i can meet up with, and i know this sounds awful, but often i find it just more stressful as there is just more chaos, noise and mess and i feel stressed and tired after. meeting people without kids i find easier. i sound like a load of fun don't i?! maybe its just taking me time to get used to the whole thing.

DS is now 3 but I vividly remember this stage especially the bf ing in public places and him exposing me at every feed, milk going everywhere. I felt so sorted with Boobfeedind and it completely threw me and knocked confidence.
Fab advice already just wanted to add
BLW - if you fancy, treat yourself to the baby led weaning book www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0091923808/babyledweanin-21
I really found it inspiring, and loads of ideas I would have never considered - like giving your baby a whole lamb chop!!
Sleeping - I got into a bit of a feed to sleep rut. I worked out when the naps roughly fell and tried to get him to sleep walking in buggy or even having a scenic drive. It got him into a bit of routine, and gradually ( quite quickly) broke cycle of boob needed to get him to sleep. I used to stop walking when the baby slept and tried to have a sit down myself, so as not to get him in the habit of having to be jiggled to stay asleep.

Sorry not read all the responses yet, doubting yourself, feeling guilty and not having any energy, are all normal things but could also be signs of depression, have you thought about visiting your GP?

You are not alone though, we have had loads on our plate recently (have a nearly 3 year old and a 4 month old), my husband has been really stressed and even collapsed and got taken to hospital in an ambulance last week :( I was struggling too and falling apart under a pile of house work, with no energy to do anything other than the absolute essential things everyday. This week my DH and I made some time and went for a fancy afternoon tea (with a very good 4 month old) on the one day a week my DS1 is in nursery. We have both been in much better moods since we did that on Tuesday. I even got an energy burst from it and managed to do 5 loads of laundry in 2 days :)

It sounds like you also need to do a little something for yourself, I know it is difficult when BF, but is there something you could do with your DH for a few hours, a nice meal somewhere? Or even just something pampering for yourself like a spa treatment or massage, a nice haircut perhaps? Also, exercise is really good for releasing endorphins, a lot of local leisure centres have creches attached so you might be able to do a 45 minute yoga class once a week, or one of those mummy fit type classes where the baby is in a buggy?

Also, take advantage of any family help you might have available, sounds like you need it right now.

Also, I remember having a really bad day when DS1 was a baby, I took him on my own to a local park that has a cafe that serves caf type of food and fed him baked beans on toast for dinner, I couldn't bear the thought of doing meal time at home.

If you are feeling crap and have hardly any energy, use that energy to get out of the house, if you don't pack your bag properly and forget stuff, a corner shop has packets of nappies and wipes, and you have your boobs to feed the little one :)

littleweed i will have a look at that book thank you. i am in a rut of feeding to sleep, and the walking when she is due a sleep sounds a great idea - would you bf her before or after the walk? if i could stop feeding her to sleep it would make a big difference as she does this every nap and is then stuck on top of me, then i feel guilty when i need to get up and wake her. it sounds good - but its getting the motivation to go out for that walk when i could also lie down with the baby - lol the walk will make me feel miles better but its the harder option in the beginning.
fapl thanks for your thoughts and i am so sorry to hear of all the stress you and your dh are under - it all sounds so difficult - im glad you got that nice afternoon that helped you to keep going and hope you can find a way to get some more of those. i would love to do something like an exercise class but the only time i could do that is at night when dh is here and im just too tired to go out. when mum comes up she doesn't take the baby, we both go out, and it is lovely to spend time with her and the baby but its not really a 'break'. what you said about using the energy to get out of the house really hit home. it has stuck in my head, and when i feel like crap im going to do that. that makes sense it being easier to feed them outside- and we don't have to clean up the mess either the same way! with blw there is much more mess afterwards, but its less stressful at the time.

Hi, I know where you are coming from too. Haven't read all the replies but what you are feeling is totally normal. Of course you will have low energy if you are up 2 -3 times a night and to top it off you are dealing with depression. That is never easy, esp with lack of sleep.

You say DD is 9 months, are you still wanting to BF or would you consider giving up now? It would give you a bit of freedom back, also you could express and put it in a bottle / cup if you didn't want to give any formula.

Re the depression, I would personally go to the docs and maybe get some stronger AD's, depression is a sneaky lil bugger and needs to be kept in check or it overwhelmes you.

Just want to say you are doing a great job, being a mum is the hardest job there is!

Try to consciously think when feeds are, you might see a bit of pattern time wise that helps you determine it's a proper feed or a sleepy comfort suck feed. You could also try and be very brave and try to keep her awake after a feed then drive, sling, buggy for a ride. Or maybe you could try as a start feeding her to sleep lying down side by side then you could try just lying next to her sleeping not lying on you? It's all baby steps. Re losing a rest, I used to take a magazine or book anytime iwent for drive, buggy or sling walk, then if baby slept I relaxed. Take a drink, a snack, a rug to sit on by the buggy, or if driving and its handy, go thru McDonalds drive thru and park up!
You can tell I've done this can't you?!

thank you for support and suggestions. all great - i do still want to bf, although in the times she has had a bottle she can go for longer. i find bf relaxing too (given its at the right time and shes not doing jumping jacks)
having a book handy when bf in bed is a good idea - then i can read while she sleeps if it works. ill try this week also to get the motivation to get her out in the pram more after a feed. littleweed im glad youve done it and come through it all!

the thought of months of this is enough to make me freak out! but its about getting used to it...and adjusting i guess. there is a support group for bf, i went when she was newborn but i could go back now i suppose.
i have an appointment soon with the doctor maybe they will up my anti depressant, although i don't think im any MORE depressed, i think its just im not coping with all the stress of everything...if that makes any sense... then i feel down. ok im not making sense. anyway, thanks.

It's easy for me to say with hindsight but try to do what is right for you bf-wise, that's not to say stop, or you must keep going come hell or high water, but you're right it is hard work especially the night feeds, and it's pyschologically hard when people all around you seem to have sleep thru babies. I say this because of your comment about months and months ....

I had to stop bf ing at 10.5 months but actually it was quite handy as DS was decidedly less bothered about feeding from me anyway. Just take it in little steps, say 'I see how I feel in say 2 months' and then feel its right for you carry on. Don't carry on just because it's the right thing for the baby - happy mum= happy child - I just didn't see that myself at the time.

I did have PND and I think this was partly to do with me setting such high standards, and putting pressure on myself to be the best mum I could be.
And also because I think bf for obvious reasons makes you very joined to your baby - which is amazing, don't get me wrong- but my sister described it as though 'my umbilical cord hadn't been cut' from DS. She wasn't being mean, she was just understanding how hard it was for me to not feel bad to be within a boobs distance away (!) And when at this age, you are the centre of the babys world - of course you are, they are just interested in the world- it makes things like bf ing which have been such tender loving moments to a potentially embarrassing public hoo ha, it changes all the goal points again.

So here I am 3 years on, genuinely loving our life with DS, it flows, yes it's sometimes stressful but I feel I've got the hang of it and know myself better in terms of MY parenting approach and what works for us. I am sure this gradual confidence has helped kick the PND too.