Stressful feeding...starting to despair :-(

[ag123]

I've posted on here many times before, possibly about some of these issues, but I'm just feeling really sad about things at the moment and wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom...

So short history- ds now 20 weeks, found feeding very tricky for the first few weeks in that I experienced a lot of pain (don't we all!) and really struggled with getting positioning and latch right. I went to loads and loads of groups and really tried hard but for some reason could never quite get it right. He rarely opened his mouth wide and the few times that he did I either struggled to get him on in time or when I did he seemed to push the nipple forward.

So basically we have ended up with a permanent shallow latch. I get blanching but actually don't suffer with pain any more and he has always put on weight well, following the 95th centile line pretty exactly. The problem is almost every single daytime feed is such a stressful experience for both of us. He gets so frustrated, coming off and on, crying and really moaning as he feeds.

I feel so sad about it...I feel like we're missing out on a key part of the bf experience and I feel guilty for making him so sad and frustrated.

This evening during our bedtime feed I ended up sitting him up on the pillows and leaning over him while he sucked for about 10 seconds then would start wailing so I'd have to give him his dummy for a short time to calm down (he absolutely loves his dummy, a bf counsellor I was seeing thought I had quite a fast let-down making it really hard for him to comfort-suck without getting really frustrated by the milk, although I've never been a 'squirtor' so never entirely convinced about the fast let-down) and then had to keep alternating. I usually only ever feed lying down nowadays as I find it the only position that stops me getting so stressed.

About a month ago we went back to a group as I had convinced myself he had a lip tie which I thought would explain the latch. I saw this wonderful infant feeding coordinator for the borough who properly felt in his mouth and said he didn't have a lip tie but she could feel a tongue tie (also a particularly strong suck and tongue thrust) but she said that because he's put on weight well and I don't have pain there's no point in doing anything about it as he's just found his own way to feed.

Anyway, so sorry about the super long post and I just don't even know what I'm asking...I just feel so sad about things and I don't know what to do about it. This evening inbetween the hovering and dummy performance I just burst into tears while he stared at me in fascination and I don't really want him to have to experience that.

If you're not happy with the way things are going then of course there is a point in getting it snipped It shouldn't have to be this frustrating for you or your DS- it should be a happy, bonding experience and there's nothing wrong with wanting that :)

Is getting it done privately an option for you?

The thing is the feeding coordinator said that if I do have a fast let-down then by giving him the snip it would actually make him a more efficient feeder which would then possibly give him more problems in trying to cope with the fast flow of milk. Also she didn't seem to think it was a particularly severe one (posterior I think as he can stick his tongue out a long way). The other important thing I forgot to say was his night-time feeds are generally relaxed lovely long feeds. Why would this be? It's like he just gets himself in such a state in the day (he is quite a stress-head generally) that he just can't do it properly, yet when he's half asleep he can...

My DS2 was finally diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie at 4.5 months after I got so fed up with his bad feeding I went to see a private Lactation Consultant. Up until then, my experiences of feeding him sound very similar to yours and it was horrible. Instead of the peaceful relaxing bonding time that I had had with DS1, nearly every feed consisted of DS2 screaming, thrashing, bobbing on and off and generally appearing like I was trying to torture him. I ended up in tears on many occasions and found it incredibly stressful, particularly with a toddler to cope with as well. However like you, I didn't feel any pain and DS2 put on weight ok.

We got the tie snipped shortly after diagnosis. I was warned that it wouldn't be a miraculous instant cure and it wasn't BUT things have gradually got better and now (DS2 is just over 7 months) feeding is much easier and even enjoyable for both of us. He is still a quick feeder and very distractible but at least feeds now consist of him smiling up at me, feeding a bit, looking round happily, feeding a bit more etc. I can also feed him when he is wide awake, having resorted to feeding him before / after / during naps when he was being particularly unsettled. Having been so fed up that I was considering resorting to expressing every feed or even going down the formula route, I now hope that I can feed him til he is at least a year old, as I did with DS1.

So my advice is to consider getting the tie snipped, apart from the obvious brief discomfort to your DS I don't see that you have much to lose, but lots to gain.... You have my sympathies!

Hmm that is very thought provoking apricot thank you. I was thinking that as he feeds well when sleepy that maybe the tongue-tie wasn't the major issue, but it's interesting you say you used to feed him at nap times when he was particularly wound up too. Maybe it is relevant...

Yes my DS2 always fed fine at night as well when he was half asleep and I think used to make up for bad feeding during the day by having quite a few long sleepy feeds at night (yawn). The Lactation Consultant's theory was that maybe during the day he was 'overthinking' how to try and feed properly and hence getting in a complete mess but at night he was much more relaxed and so had a slightly less disorganised and frantic suck.

Your LC wasn't based in London by any chance were they?

No, Leeds I think but I live in the sticks in Cumbria so we met halfway!

That's a shame! Oh well, maybe I do need to start thinking seriously about finding someone to at least have a consultation with...

It was Charlie from Milk Matters that I saw and I have a feeling her organisation may cover London as well - try googling (there's also lots of helpful info on the website about tongue tie).

Helen caulfield at the royal free hospital in London is very good but expensive. She is an ent consultant. She did my baby's at 6 months! Careful who you see as my baby had it done twice before by other people who did it wrong, one causing her alot of pain!

No tongue tie issues here but still have a 20wk old who is a pita to feed and has been for last 3 weeks. She'll only take a good long feed when she's tired or sleepy, otherwise she bits and bobs because she's so distractable. The screaming and arching her back have virtually abated now but only because when she comes off I don't persist with encouraging her back on if she won't latch straightaway. I let her sit up and look around for a bit and then if she's still trying to eat her own hand I'll try her again. Takes bloody ages. I know these aren't exactly the same issues as no tongue tie here but just wanted you to know you aren't alone and from what I read, this is common behaviour at this age. Hope you get the tongue tie sorted

Have no advice to give but just wanted you to know you are not alone and give virtual hugs. My DS is also 20 weeks and he is going through a phase of getting frustrated if milk isn't there immediately. Sometimes he just makes quite an amusing growl sound, but if he is feeling grumpy for whatever reason, it's a one way ticket to meltdown. Just remember you are doing a fantastic job, I hope you manage to get things sorted.

Definitely get it done IMO.

It can cause bigger problems later (speech, kissing, feeding can worsen once your supply settles down) if you leave it, whereas there's almost no risk at all from having the procedure.

They do all get fussy at stages, but my tongue tied daughter was worse than average (although I was in pain right up until it was cut at 10 weeks).

It will probably be much more pleasant overall for both of you if you have it done.

Milk Matters do a clinic in London now, you need to book a time as it's been popular. It's at the Welsh Centre on Fridays.

You can get more info about it on the milkmatters facebook page.

Hope you get a good result.

Here is a list of TT dividers by county if you are looking for someone local.

Thank you so much for your advice everyone. I had a long chat with my sister (who is good at long chats being a psychologist) and who also had a lot of feeding problems with her dc2. She said all the things I am describing sound so similar to the problems she had and she too was constantly searching for reasons why it might be. In her experience the key was just to relax and go with it and by the time dc2 was about 7 months everything had sorted itself out without any intervention. Anyway, I now have both sides of the argument in a sense and thank you so much for providing such useful recommendations in case I do decide to go down that path. I think I've just got to try my best to 'chill' for the next few weeks and see how things go...