my daughter breastfeeding

[magic17]

Watching my daughter become a Mum has been an amazing experience for me. She and her partner are totally in love with their beautiful baby, and the baby, now 3 months old, with them.

I breast fed both my children until they were both about 2yrs old and my daughter really wanted to do so as well. However things didn't go too well. She had loads of advice and support at the hospital, stayed in much longer for help and guidance, but because the baby was very sleepy taking to the feeding seemed very hard. So my daughter started expressing and did this religiously for a month or slightly over by which time she was getting tired and frustrated.

She saw an NCT specialist, the baby had a slight tongue tie sorted and still things didn't work out. I think she said at one point that someone, maybe a health visitor did manage to get the baby to feed ok. So I thought the issues were maybe emotional. Then one evening as she was expressing again I sat with her and tried to talk to her. By this point she was saying she was going to stop the expressing and go on to using bottles. She was crying and said she didn't want to talk. So I left it, thinking it was all too painful and stressful, didn't want her to think I was setting myself up as a role model that she had to live up to, and to respect her decision.

But now I feel dreadful, a dammed if you do and dammed if you don't kind of feeling that I should have found a way to help her more, even though I don't think I could have physically helped her, maybe tried to get her to talk and find out what she was feeling. I've wanted to ask her since if she was ok that I didn't pursue it, but I'm scared that this might make it seem more important than it is, and also that this might only be to make me feel better anyway. But I'm sad nevertheless as I do feel that I let her down. As it is the baby is thriving and they are so happy am I just beating myself up with no reason?

Yes I think you are. You sound lovely and I think you just need to continue supporting her.

You are right that a happy and thriving mother and baby are what matters.

You sound like a lovely mum, and it sounds like your DD is doing a great job too. So long as she knows you support her choices, you will be doing everything you can.

Yes, you are!

Talk to her, but make sure you focus on how brilliant a mum she is and how impressed you were that she persevered for so long with expressing etc (which is much harder than BFing). Tell her that every drop of colostrum and BM was worthwhile but that look how bonny and healthy the baby is now, how FF has enabled her to rest and sleep more, and how in the long long journey they are beginning together, what kind of milk the baby gets now is perhaps NOT the huge issue it feels like.

I "failed" to BF both my babies due to multiple issues and those were the things I really needed to hear, especially from my mum. I felt like such a crap mum that I couldn't do this for my babies. I worried that we wouldn't bond etc. having my mum around just saying things like "well I talked to X today and I was telling her what a GREAT job you are doing" and "look at him gazing at you, he already loves you do much!" was really helpful and helped rebuild my shattered confidence.

Enjoy your grandchild. And maybe (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) try and chill out a bit! When my first son was born I did get that it "stirred up" a lot of feelings that my mum had about her own parenting but I wouldn't have wanted her to go on about it - I had enough on my plate!

I know lots of people who have either had big problems bf'ing or had to stop due to tongue ties. They do cause enormous problems.

I wish my Mum and MIL had your supportive attitude to bf'ing though. I still feel as if I'm doing something "wrong" when I feed DS around them (9mo).

The important thing is that the baby is fine and feeding, however that happens.

On the plus side...bottle-fed baby means you will be able to babysit lots!

I wouldnt mention it. I hugely struggled to breast feed my Ds who has reflux and only managed 12 weeks. He was never exclusively breast fed. My mum breast fed 3 of us and I think her trying to be helpful and supportive just contributed to my feelings of guilt when I couldn't do it. Ds is 8 months and I still feel guilty if I think about it. So I prefer to focus on what a happy gorgeous baby he is instead. I think the conversation you're thinking of having is more likely to make you feel better about things than your daughter

Oh and what grumpia said

I really wouldn't mention it; however nicely you put it, it does come over as being incredibly proud (smug?) that you breastfed for two years - I don't mean that in a nasty way - your DD knows this and it might make her feel even worse.

I would have been horrified if my DM even commented on how I fed my baby, it is bad enough when parents make any comments on how you bring up your children . Just be supportive and offer to help in whatever way is best for your DD.

That's a tough one for me, I struggled to bf and only now my dh and I are talking about how it made us feel.
It was a highly emotional time and has had some knock on effects to our relationship as i felt (at the time of struggling) that he wasn't supporting me but now (18 months later) he told me that he was scared I was getting obsessed with bfing at the expense of all else. I also felt no support from my mum who like you had bf 2 kids easily and who had also watched my sister bf with ease too. I wish (and still do) that I'd had more support for me and not just for how I was feeding.. Now my dh tells me that he and my mum were concerned for my health - probably mental as well as physical - but at the time all I heard was "give up bfing" which made me feel cross and unsupported. I still feel distanced from my mum because of this if I'm honest.
I guess I'm saying talk to her but you may get it thrown back in your face for the time being. Don't let that put you off, if shes like me she'll talk to you when she's ready if she knows you're open to talk about it.
PS I never went to the doctor but looking back I wouldn't be at all surprised if I had pnd through all this so that might have contributed to how I was feeling and my experience might have been more extreme that your daughter. I hope so because I wouldn't wish my experiences on anyone with a newborn.

Thank you all for your lovely messages they are much appreciated. I see that like me, 56yrs old and still not sleeping through, some of you too are messaging in the middle of the night :)

I was with my daughter and her partner when the baby was born and I felt so privileged. But like you say brafullofcrumbs it was such a stressful time wanting to make sure we respected their privacy and time together as a new family, while making sure that they were looked after as well, it's a challenging line to tread. We are so bombarded by advice on pregnancy, childbirth and feeding and she wanted to breast feed so much I was worried it would affect her self esteem if she stopped.

I was very isolated when I had my children, my Mum lived so far away and she wasn't very maternal anyway. I has no friends to share the experience with, having only recently moved to the area. So I felt hurt that my daughter didn't want to talk to me when I was so willing to be there for her.

But your comments have helped and reassured me in a way, that I think I would have wished for if I had spoken to my daughter. So for now I won't be speaking to her, maybe there will come a time when it seems right but for now as you say Grumpla I think compliments and praise are going to be much more positive and supportive than going over old ground. I just hope the experience hasn't damaged her self esteem.

You sound lovely and I'm sure your daughter really appreciates your help. I think you should simply be available for conversation if and when she wants to, it's such a delicate balance between "doing the best I can" and feelings of failure. When she's ready to talk, she will; I expressed with my first and lamented the lack of breastfeeding him; with my second child we did manage to breastfeed and it's such a wonderful part of our relationship. Perhaps she will be a bit luckier the next time, should she wish to breastfeed of course.

And, as a little note to a previous poster, I don't see what is smug about mentioning you breastfed your children till the age of two, it's an entirely relevant fact that is part of your experience and what your daughter knows as normal and possible.

All the best for your little grandchild!