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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Breast feeding publically and te equalities act?

26 replies

hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:14

people making negative comments about you breast feeding?

Was at a restaurant feeding with a scarf over my baby (with colleagues who are also friends - this was a social meeting).

One of the men went "woah! Are you feeding? Oh my god" andade several silly comments about not knowing where to look and said "I want to ask if it is my turn yet".

He and another man felt it appropriate to then continue a discussion about it.

One woman said "I didn't breast feed any of mine - yuck!" and pulled a yuck face.

One wan was mildly supportive saying she breast fed but "felt like a cow sometimes" although she was generally more positive than negative.

Two men said nothing andd carried on with no reaction - this is what I'd generally expect.

I feel like some of these reactions were really quite inappropriate and I feel very sad. In four months they are the only negative reactions I've had.

I feel I should write a nice letter (not a complaint) to raise their awareness. I don't want to piss them of I just want them to know that what they said was not appropriate so that they can be more mindful next time.

Wwyd (bearing in mind I didn't say anything at the tine as I was a bit shocked).

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Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:15

Sorry for typos. I am 1. Shattered and 2. On my iPhone.

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CuppaTeaJanice · 19/05/2012 09:19

If they are colleagues and friends it would probably be less awkward and a bit more friendly and informal to just have a quiet word with them, or perhaps an email. A letter seems a bit, I don't know, serious?

olimpia · 19/05/2012 09:20

If they're "friends" and not just colleagues writing a letter is a bit OTT in my opinion. I agree that their reaction was stupid and offensive to say the least but you should have said something there and then. Don't go out with them next time?

hiveofbees · 19/05/2012 09:20

You were in a restaurant with friends?
Im not sure that I would deal with this by raising the equalities act or writing a letter, tbh I would have probably just told them at the time that they were behaving like children.

olimpia · 19/05/2012 09:21

Cross posts cuppa Smile

EauRouge · 19/05/2012 09:24

That's sad :( Negative reactions from friends can be so much worse than those from strangers. A nice letter might help, you could tell them that their comments upset you a bit and that if they have any questions that you'd be happy to answer them.

I don't think there's anything you can do legally as that covers women who are asked by staff to stop breastfeeding or move somewhere else, not by friends or colleagues. But you could tell your friends about the law so that they know you are entitled to breastfeed in a restaurant.

EauRouge · 19/05/2012 09:24

Cross posts, I am old fashioned I guess Grin An email might be more appropriate.

Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:31

Ok. They are colleagues with whom I work closely. I've beenmoit with them on work related functions twice in four years. I like them and get on with them all. When I say "friends" I mean friendly with them at work.

My issue is that we all head up affiliated organisations - and provide public services (training, events, open days and community action). If they were to voice these attitudes in a work setting they would be 1.very offensive and 2. Breaking the law.

It was a social event - I'm on maternity leave so we were meeting up as they were in my area for a meeting.

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zookeeper · 19/05/2012 09:34

just carry on feeding . yawn.

Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:34

Thanks. I have hung on to this since yesterday and can't seem to shake it. I should have told the men to stop being so childish, and the woman that breast feeding isn't yuck. But I was really not expecting this so was gob smacked.

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Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:35

I did carry on feeding. I didn't feel uncomfortable feeding. I felt (and still feel) uncomfortable with their reactions.

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Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:36

Consensus is to just leave it then. I need to find a way to let it go then.

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zookeeper · 19/05/2012 09:41

or meet up again,this time armed with a few short sharp put downs? A letter seems a terribly precious way to deal with it imo.

Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:47

I feel so deflated by it that if we meet up again I'll go and sit in a corner to feed instead. If they make any comments then, I will challenge them.

Perhaps I should have gone and sat in a corner yesterday. But it wouldn't have meant they'd have seen any less - I and the baby were covered with a scarf.

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Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 09:49

Not sure why a letter would be precious - I am concerned it might be confrontational which is why I asked the question.

I do think that they should be made aware that their comments offended me, but I missed my chance to tell them there and then so I have left myself with all this unresolved sadness and resentment and regret that I didn't say anything.

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Pomtastic · 19/05/2012 09:53

I really sympathise OP. That sounds horrible & I have trouble letting go of that kind of thing as well (lying in bed thinking, "If only I'd thought of XYZ witty comeback!")

Maybe it'd help to write the letter but not send it? You could poss post the letter on this thread & we could all cheer you on?

Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 10:36

Thanks Pom

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seeker · 19/05/2012 10:38

Wow! You had more negative comments over one meal than I had in a total of 3 years breastfeeding everywhere including the checkout queue at Tesco.

Change your friends.

Belmo · 19/05/2012 10:55

:( that's horrible, poor you. Some of my male friends can be immature idiots and I've never had any negative comments.
I think a lighthearted-but-actually-I'm-deadly-serious e-mail might be the best way if you want to confront them, and maybe write yourself a wee list of comebacks so you've got them in your head should it happen again!
Don't let it make you feel like you need to go and hide in a corner, if they don't like it fuck em.

Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 11:32

Thanks. IRS the first negative experience I've had in four months.

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tiktok · 19/05/2012 11:40

They were rude and their behaviour was childish, unacceptable and upsetting, and made you feel uncomfortable.

Personally, a phone call to each of them, calm and friendly but firm, just saying, 'I feel I need to let you know that I felt you were rude and embarassing the other day - there was no need for comments, was there?'

If they say, 'we were just having a bit of a joke with you', then your response is, 'I'm sorry, you must have realised at the time I didn't find it funny, but felt criticised.'

Speak to each of them in turn, so you dont rely on any of them to pass the message on.

nutellaontoast · 19/05/2012 12:06

Oft, how rude were they? I'm embarrassed for them.

If you do decide to bring it up, I agree, in person or by phone is best. And I'd concentrate on how they made you feel - which they can't argue with - not what was said or the law iyswim. More "Do you know, you guys made me feel really uncomfortable the other day." Should elcit an apology rather than getting backs up I hope.

And update us!

Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 13:06

Thank you all - and thanks for allowing me to express myself without making me feel stupid.

I've decided not to say anything. I've had a good cry to release the tension I've felt over this. I'm still a bit pisses off about it bit I think the time to have challenged it would have been there and then.

If there is a next time I encounter this kind if thing I'll politely challenge any negative comments.

I was feeling particularly sensitive this week as the health visitor has given me some conflicting and confusing advice about bf (my DD has gone up from 50th centile at birth to 90th centile at four months), and the HV has said she isn't concerned but that she may be "overfeeding". So that has made me feel a bit delicate.

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ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 19/05/2012 13:09

Ignore your HV. You can't overfeed an EBF baby :-)

Original poster
hairytale · 19/05/2012 13:25

Thank you. I am :)

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