How can I get over it?

[AllTheRAGE]

It's over a year now since my baby was born but I am still crying about how awful it all felt... is this normal?

A big issue for me is that I can't talk about it with my DP, he just doesn't get it. In particular, when it turned out there were problems with bf the first thing he did was go out with my MIL and buy formula. It took a while to figure out there was a problem as all the midwives said we were doing fine until at 5 days baby had lost 10% of birthweight, blood tests etc were normal so paeds thought it was a weighing error but he didn't regain it until nearly 7 weeks and I was unable to bf exclusively at all - on bottles from day 10 and he finally stopped losing weight.

Anyway, DP does not understand why I am upset about that. I have tried to explain, but didn't get anywhere. He thinks I am being unreasonable - am I? Should I just try to forget the whole thing? At the moment I can't even look at the old baby photos, anything before 6 months just stresses me out completely.

Any suggestions on how I can deal with it? Sometimes I think I am going mad. After all, it's not like my baby is/was sick or anything, just that DP did not support me and can't understand or accept my feelings. And he is generally quite sympathetic...

Gosh, this is sad.....it's late and I might post more tomorrow, but wanted to say this is something that's not really about breastfeeding/formula feeding (after all, you say you baby was and is well) but about your partner being unable to understand and accept your deep feelings of sorrow and betrayal.

He wanted your baby to be ok, but instead of discussing with you the options, he and his mother took a decision for you, which was wrong. It was as if they were two, and you were one.

Is there someone like a HV or doctor you can talk to about your feelings? It's desperately sad you cant even look at baby photos - perhaps counselling could help you unravel these feelings and help you take the first steps to recovery. For you to forgive your partner, though, he has to first accept that what he did with his mother was wrong - not the buying of formula, but the making of the decision with his mother to do so, and his continued dismissal of your feelings. When he can accept that, you will find it easier to forgive him.

Thank you tiktok... you don't even know me yet it seems to make some sense to you... I'm not sure that there isn't more to it though - it's as though having bought the formula (for 'hungry babies' - I later heard that despite the manufacturer's instructions it's not meant to be given to newborns) they gave themselves a pat on the back for having sorted everything out and then did nothing to help when I tried to get through to all the helplines etc that are supposedly available because there is 'so much pressure' on mothers to breastfeed in the UK. Not.

Anyway I did feel a bit better last night just for having posted. Thanks again for hearing me.

Formula for hungry babies is not usually recommended for newborns, you are right, alltherage - it is permitted to be sold for newborns, but even the manufacturers make it clear that the normal infant formula is preferable.

It strikes me that you say 'they' as if your dp and his mother are a unit, and you are another unit.....that's never right. You and your dp (and your baby) are the unit, and your dp should not have taken sides with his mother against you.

It's a real shame you could not find a helpline - there are 5 and some take messages so you will always get a call back. You could phone again and talk about your feelings even now.

But the real people who let you down were your dp and his mother :(