Breastfeeding a toddler, a newborn and co-sleeping - how does it work?

[catfart]

Desperate for some advice and support.

I have a 19 month old DS and am 9 weeks pregnant, I think I'm going to be tandem feeding both of them as my DS is showing no signs of wanting to stop BF. My DS has been solely breast-fed, doesn't really bother with his sippy cup much, always comes to me which can be very draining at the moment, we're not talking a couple of feeds a day it can be loads (he eats very well as well)- we got off to a rocky start as he was jaundiced and very sleepy not wanting to feed, just a whisker away from going in under the lamps for a couple of days but after a frantic battle of expressing, milk in syringes, then bottle....then back on the breast we were away. And since then he hasn't looked back and neither have I much to the dismay of my family who think he should have been weaned off me over a year ago. Thankfully my husband is very supportive.

Now I'm expecting again, I'm being told I have to stop by my family, they think I'm mad, my mum is very uncomfortable around me, always has been when I feed him. We moved before Christmas to a new area, very quiet place in the country, the healthcare visitor said I needed to stop asap so as when DS goes to school he (in her words) 'won't be all breast-fed and clingy'. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. Every night since DS has been born I put him to sleep, nursed him to sleep (we co-sleep as well which is another minefield for my family & friends), I enjoy this time we have together, it does mean I am restricted but I figure its a short time in the grand scheme of things. I want him to be ready to be come off the breast and not for me to stop him, he'll not understand why.

My worries right now are how will I manage to nurse a newborn and a toddler. Especially in the early days/ I've read somewhere that toddlers are not to get the colostrum because its for the newborn but then read conflicting info that you make more! Plus, I'm co-sleeping with DS1, I'm being told 'he has to go in his own bed' - Is anyone here co-sleeping with a toddler and got a newborn (was going to use the sidecar cot), is it working for you? did you try it and it didn't work? As I was hoping to make this work.

So far I'm blindly stumbled along doing what's felt right but now feel that the support I need from those I will need more help from in the coming months and once the baby is born will be gone, I will only have myself to blame for making things so difficult for myself (my Mum thinks this).

Sorry if this is a ramble but any help you can give on this.

To clarify, the school the healthcare worker referred to was nursery at 2.5 years in the local school (few mornings a weeks)

I'm not tandem feeding but am tandem co sleeping. DD is 3 and DS (breastfed) is 3 months. DD has been quite ill since DS was born so DH moved in to spare room and she moved in with me. I have a king size bed with me in the middle and a child on either side. It also means DH isn't disturbed by night feeds. Not everyone's cup of tea but it's working for us. Once he's sleeping through I'll work on getting DD in to her own bed.

firstly just because you are bfeeding him now does NOT mean he will still be bfed when he goes to school! what utter tosh!

i tandem bfed twice and i made sure i offered hte baby the breast first! and then gave the toddler the breast the baby had already fed off and next time gave the baby the full one iyswim? am not sure you even have to do that, but i felt that way baby who needed it was getting first dibs!

i also co sleep and it was fine! we have a toddler bed next to our futon so we gradually transfered toddler to that but if they wanted they crawled back in with us, i had baby by the wall then me then toddler so i was always inbetween toddler and baby.

the sidecar cot sounds a great idea, we never had space for one but i do like the look of them and have friends who have succesfully used them :)

bfeeding a toddler and newborn was fine, it was great as i could get them BOTH to sleep and have a nap myself!

make sure you look after yourself and eat and drink well etc, but i really never found it a problem.

oh and my boys bfed at nursery/pre-school age and it was fine! ds2 fed until he was almost 4 yrs old and ds3 was 3 and a half as they got older it cut down to just mornings, nap times and bedtime and then just morning and evening etc, being bfed had no impact on pre-school and certainly didnt make them all clingy!

You have to set some boundaries with DS1 as you say it's draining you now.
Can DS1 cosleep on your DH's side?
DS1 has had you all to himself for 19 whole months. DC2 will NEVER get you all to himself, think how much DS1 has benefitted from your undivided attention. You have to start working out how to give the newborn priority at certain times. It doesn't mean you love DS1 any less, but you will need to give DC2 just as much attention as DS1 has benefited from even if that means DS1 has less attention/focus when the newborn comes.

Same here on a Kingsize, was toying with an extra bed as well, DH is in the spare room! he gets a good nights kip though. I was worried the baby would wake up DS, how are you finding that side of things? My DS still wakes up in the night for a feed and then early morning (some times more eeek) so until that stops and he sleeps through I don't want to think about getting him in his own room.

Thanks 5madthings. thats very reassuring. I want to make it work, he's not ready to come off yet, I was hoping someone like you would show up!

Harecare, I do see your point and this has worried me, I just hope (providing I don't get too knackered) to keep it going as long as I can until DS1 is ready to stop.

I tandem feed and tandem co-sleep (DD1 is 3.6yo, DD2 is 14mo). It has been knackering at times, but I think that's just what it's like having a baby and a toddler. I tried to get DD1 to sleep in her own bed when I was pregnant with DD2 but after 3 nights I gave up because I was so bloody knackered. I ended up sleeping on her floor and thought, fuck this, I'm just going to co-sleep with both of them. I just had to wing it because there is so little info out there about co-sleeping with 2. It works so well for us, but you are not us and your DCs are not my DCs so you just have to work out what works for you.

DD1 still wakes up more often than DD2 (just goes to show that they are all different and you can't make them sleep) so I would say it was her that did the waking up. DD2 can sleep through a surprising amount though

We have a king size bed and a DIY sidecar cot, so room for everyone.

Don't worry about other people telling you that you MUST do X or that you HAVE to do Y- you are the one dealing with the night-waking, you know what works for you and what doesn't. If you are following safe co-sleeping guidelines then the rest is just your preference.

Best of luck and enjoy tandem feeding, it's so sweet watching them hold hands as they nurse together :)

PS if you haven't read it then this book is ace.

Oh and you might find other tandem feeders if there is an LLL group near you.

its not something i ever planned to do! ds1 weaned himself at 18mths but ds2 never showed any signs of doing so! i got preg with ds3 when ds2 was 18mths ish? so ds2 was 2yrs 4mths when ds3 was born and was still feeding, we just carried on, at times ds2 fed a bit more purely because he saw ds3 feeding he would want to, so we just went with the flow and as he got older he gradually cut down, went to pre-school fine etc. he weaned at almost 4yrs but i was still feeding ds3 who was one and a half and carried on feeding him until after ds4 was born, ds3 weaned at 3 and a half yrs pretty much of his own accord :)

like i say i never planned it, its just how it worked out, it can be tiring at time but tbh motherhood is tiring anway! and i found bfeeding made life easier at times we could have a nap together or a lazy day in pjs snuggled on the sofa, 'boob on tap' so to speak and it kept toddler and newborn happy and meant i could rest a bit!

congratulations on your pregnancy btw :) and dont be suprised if you find bfeeding gets a bit painful at times during pregnancy, i think its a hormonal thing? but at times the initial latch would make my toes curl but then it was ok on the whole :)

I am tandem cosleeping dcs 3.5 and 1, so did from newborn. We have a double and a single pushed together (tightly!) DD is next to the wall on the single bit and me and DS snuggle up on the double, with a bedrail on the outside. DH is in the spare room.

I intended to tandem breastfeed as well, but I weaned dd about a month before ds was born because it was just so...not painful...irritating? Ugh shuddery feeling like fingers down a blackboard. I tried to get her back on when DS was born but she had already forgotten how to latch. Sad and amazing at the same time.

DD started nursery for a few hrs in Jan and she went without a peep, very happy, in no way clingy. I like to think this was because she has always had her needs met, always knew we were there for her.

I did night wean DD before DS was born - she was about 2 I think - can't remember. I didn't fancy 'rotisserie' nursing! Definately second the book by Hilary Flowers.

Well as soon as DS wakes he's on the boob so doesn't really cry. If he's having an unsettled night DD sometimes stirs but generally is undisturbed. She sometimes has a drink or goes to the toilet then goes back off. Just do what's right for you. The only downside is 2 very small people seem to take up a lot of room. I'm tempted to bring the cot in to our room and see if it works at the side of the bed.

Congratulations on your pg. :)

[anger] at your HV.

A third vote for the Hilary Flowers book - fab, and looks at loads of different case studies - weaning (planned or not) and continuing to bf.

I'm planning to tandem co-sleep with DS (now 2.4; will be 2.10 when DC2 arrives). DS currently wakes 2-5 times a night (though he doesn't always want bf) and there's no way I could face getting out of bed to deal with him, especially when getting out of bed means I'm awake for at least an hour even if he goes straight off again.

At the moment we have 2 single mattresses pushed together on the floor. DS has one and I have the other. DH sleeps in the spare room as he has insomnia. If he wants to join us, he puts a single lilo next to our mattresses.

I'm planning that DS stays on his own mattress and the baby can share mine. I'll probably have DS next to the wall (as it's draughty), and the baby next to the edge of the bed, with a couple of pillows on the floor just in case (s)he falls off.

When DC2 gets to the point of wanting his/her own space, I'll think about DS going on a ready bed or something similar, but that'll be ages away anyway.

On the waking issue, when DS was on his own mattress, he'd wake and cry loudly. When he slept snuggled up to me, he wouldn't really cry as I'd wake & feed him before he got to that point.

18-21 months is 'the mother of all developmental leaps' which often goes hand-in-hand with children wanting lots of bf, so you may find that your DS is more amenable to nursing manners / limits after that if you wanted to introduce some. (Though it's worth starting right away if there are things you think would make your nursing relationship less draining for you). And it's generally a rough patch for sleep, so you might see improvements there too. (Or not - DS sleeps less well now than he did at that age. )

I ended up weaning DS while pregnant because I found it horrible BF. not because ds was a toddler, but because my nipples became so sensitive, I could feel everything and it really made my skin crawl. It was hormonal but I felt awful. However I knew I had to stop as I would be tense while feeding. (it did pass though once I reached the third trimester). In the end we stopped at around 8/9 months pregnant so DS remembered it when DD arrived. He asked for feeds a lot at first so I'd let him have a go but less so as time went on. He also asked less too - it was usually a sign that he was unwell or tired so I'd try and give loads of cuddles instead.

I'm cosleeping with dd, DH looks after ds at night. No way would I have done both. Dd is 5 months and no sign of stopping co sleeping - I wish I'd done it for longer with ds as it's much much easier!!! I feel a little rested even after being woken every hour. Whereas with ds I'd get no sleep trying to put him in the cot.

Have a think about arrangements when newborn arrives. You forget just how intense it is and just how much they need you so trying to look after toddler too might be a bit much. Invest in a good sling for baby as they'll want carrying for pretty much 24 hours a day for the first 12 weeks. Then it gets easier as they can stay awake more, go longer between feeds, feed quicker and don't mind being put down for short bursts.

Thanks both! :) 15 weeks and I'm hoping I get to the 'second trimester' soon...

I've been much less unwell than I was with DS, which has been good.

It passes quicker though Angel