Will I ever feel better about this?

[MidnightinMoscow]

I am FF'ing DD and I feel dreadful about it.

To give some back ground, DD is DC2. I didn't BF DC1 because, I didn't really know what I was doing and was very naive.

This time round I was certain I would BF. I decided to try for a VBAC to help feeding get off to a good start. Did lots of research, contacted a feeding co-ordinator etc. Had no formula/bottles in the house.

However, I ended up with a crash section at 10cms and felt like I had been in a car crash afterwards. I had massive problems with her latch, my nipples were black with bits of skin falling of them. MW's said her latch was fine and no tongue tie etc, so I am not sure why my nipples ended up in such a state.

I then contracted a chest infection, which made me feel dreadful and the pain on coughing with my stitches was unbearable. By this point I was expressing, to try and heal my nipples. However, I became so ill with the chest infection I decided to keep expressing and didn't seek more expert advice to get DD's latch checked. I should have gone to a BF drop in etc, but just felt so ill and in pain.

I stopped expressing when she was 2 weeks old. I could not keep up with pumping/feeding and looking after DC1 who is 2.

However, now DD is 5 weeks old and I am starting to feel a bit more well again. But, I feel so dreadful for FF'ing her. I am so embarrassed feeding her in public and keep finding myself telling people how I tried to BF etc.

I feel like it's a dirty secret.

I had PND with DC1, and a lot of it was due to not BF'ing him. I am scared I am going to end up in the same boat again. I am already thinking of stopping going to toddler groups etc because I am so ashamed of feeding DD in public.

How can I make these feelings go away? Every time I think about it I end up crying.

Congratulations on the birth of your DD. You have nothing to be ashamed of, it's sounds like you did the best you could at the time and that is all any of us can do. I had an emcs as well after 36hrs of labour and I know just how exhausting it is, my nipples were in the same state, black with bits dropping off. I was just too tired to make her latch properly in those first few days. I know it's hard but remember that you did get some breastmilk into her and that's something to be very proud of. Hopefully someone with experience will be along soon that can maybe talk to you about relactation if that's something you'd like to consider. It must be very hard with a second child to look after as well. You sound like a wonderful mummy and that you do your best for both your children every day. Be proud of that x

You poor thing. Everything you went through must have made bf difficult and you did brilliantly to express for 2 weeks.
Can you talk to someone about the birth?
Congratulations on your dd and please don't let any of this spoil your time with her if you can.
Most people know better than to judge how a woman feed her baby. If they don't, ignore them, they're showing their idiocy.

Just read that you are scared of going to toddler groups :(

You need to stop giving yourself such a hard time. You have got more than enough on your plate without beating yourself up for not BF your new DD. You tried, it didn't work out as planned for many reasons and now you are feeding her in the only other possible way. Formula is absolutely fine and certainly not something you should be feeling ashamed about. You may or may not get PND this time round, but you will be more at risk by making yourself feel so awful about this perceived faliure.

Give yourself a break, try to enjoy your 2 very young children and remember that formula feeding is just another way to feed your child, which is after all essential for their survival!

Congratulations on your new baby, yes you will feel better about it but you need to stop beating yourself up. It sounds like you did everything you possibly could in really difficult circumstances. You should be proud of what you managed to do. My girls are nearly 2 and to be honest no one ever asks me how they were fed as infants, they are healthy and well and none the worse for not having had breast milk for the whole first 6 months. It took me ages to decide to stop persevering with breast feeding and even longer to stop feeling like I was the worlds worst mother. I wish now that I had made a decision quicker and then moved on because I made myself ill with the what ifs and maybes.

Try and just enjoy your new wee one knowing that you are doing your best.

I think you need to talk to someone about this in real life - your birth experience and PND history mean that you really need it, I'd say. It sounds like there's a lot wrapped up in your previous experience and your feelings about BF/FF.

Please don't worry about feeding in public. Take it one day at a time. Set a target of going to one toddler group a week and feed your baby. Sit in a corner if you need to, make yourself comfortable, have everything ready so you can get feeding easily. Maybe get there first so you can grab a good spot. Your older DD might need bribing with a biscuit healthy snack so you dont have to worry about him. Or take a friend with you for moral support. See how you get on at that one group and take it from there.

Congrats on your new DD. Sorry to hear about all the challenges you've faced. There's only so much you can do with the support you are given and the health problems you've had.

If you would like to talk about your experiences then you could chat to a breastfeeding counsellor. They have plenty of experience of talking through the emotions involved when breastfeeding doesn't go to plan and they will be able to listen to you and help you to resolve your emotions and find some peace. They will never judge you or make you feel like you don't want the best for your baby.

You can try any of the national helplines-
NCT : 0300 330 0771 (7 days a week, 8am-10pm)
The Breastfeeding Network: 0300 100 0210 (9.30am-9.30pm every day)
Association of Breastfeeding Mothers: 08444 122949 (9.30am-10.30pm)
La Leche League Great Britain: 0845 120 2918
Government helpline manned by The Breastfeeding Network and Association of Breastfeeding Mothers: 0300 100 0212

You could also ask about relactation if you think it's something you might want to explore.

OP please don't feel bad for formula feeding, you did what was best for you and your baby at the time. I didn't manage to breastfeed and no-one has ever said anything to me about it! I've had a couple of "looks" when people ask me if I'm breastfeeding/formula feeding and those people can piss off! If they don't like the answer, they shouldn't have asked the question!

Have you tried going to one of the sure start mum and baby groups? The people that run them at my local one are really friendly and helpful and will make sure you feel welcome and introduce you to people.

Hope you get on ok

Thank you for your replies and kind words.

I contacted the listening service that our hospital offers foe woman who have experienced traumatic births.

I tried to relactate with DC1, admittedly he was 8 weeks old. However, I didn't get very far as I had little info/support from HV's etc. I can't see how this would be an option for me this time as I have no family support and the commitment required would be impossible with 2 DC's.

See, there I go again taking the easy route out.

I know that people will say you did what you can only do at the time etc and that in the future it won't mean so much. But it hurts in the here and now, and I cannot help but feel I have let her down at the first hurdle...she was pretty stunned by her birth and now she feeds from a bottle. The only two things in her life that I could do for her, and I have failed.

You have not failed her. She is alive and growing, she is being loved and cared for. And if taking the easy route is a bad thing then shoot me now because at the moment that is my whole childrearing philosophy for my 17wk DD. And I only have one child! For what it's worth I don't think it's an easy way you're taking, none of this child rearing malarky is easy.

No you haven't! I'm so sorry I know you are all caught up in it at the moment but please believe me, we can see this clearly. We are not saying this to make you feel better. Some births are traumatic. Not the fault of the woman! Feeding does not go as planned, very rarely the 'fault' of the woman. Not wanting to relactate is not taking the easy way out! It's being practical and doing what is best for your family. Your dd is luckier than the many babies, she has loving parents and a mother who will tear herself to shreds for her. (still shuddering at the black bits comment). That is all that matters. Breasrfeeding was obviously important to you. Breastmilk is only part of that. You can still feed on demand, do all the feeds yourself holding her close and staring into her eyes. You can still allow her to sleep on your chest where its warm and she can hear your heartbeat.
I have been accused in the past of being 'militant' about breastfeeding. I am not glossing over this to try to make you feel better. All is not lost and you are, and can continue to be a fantastic, caring mum.

Can you please tell your hv or gp how bad you are feeling? If you are slipping back into pnd, please be aware

You have to forgive yourself. It is an incredibly hard thing to do, after trusting your body to 'grow' a baby while you were pregnant, any feelings of empowerment and confidence in your ability to 'mother' that child when it is born can be smashed to pieces by a traumatic birth and feeding difficulties.

Neither of these things are your fault.

You birthed your baby. Whether it was the experience you'd hoped for, you can claim it as YOUR experience. You.Did.Not.FAIL. Don't let the medical procedure get in the way of the fact that you carried your baby and laboured to deliver her. You tried to feed her one way, but for circumstances beyond your control at that time, you are now feeding her another. She'll grow, she'll thrive, she'll love you unconditionally.

Please consider seeking help. It's good you've contacted the hospital about discussing your traumatic experience. You can also request a copy of your 'yellow book', or even a chance to talk through what happened in detail with the obstetrician or midwife lead. Do also talk to your GP or HV about a referral to a peri-natal mental health team. Very gentle talk therapy brought me out of a very dark place following my own traumatic birth experience. It takes time. Not days, or weeks, or maybe even months but you will find a way (with help) to reclaim the experience you had as your 'own', and to forgive yourself for what you see as failure.

Op, are you still around? How are you doing?

Midnight - congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Six months ago I had DC2 and I could have written your post word for word, except I was knocked flat by a throat infection after my emcs (also 10cm and under GA). I had tried to bf DC1 (also emcs) but after 7 days of no milk, paed recommended FF. With DC2, it was actually harder to "give up" bf the second time; I was struggling to keep my body temperature normal, let alone be a mother to two small children. But I didn't feel like a failure - I felt that I was doing what I needed to do to manage my family, including my new baby and my 3 yo. And that is simply what you have done.

At our NCT postnatal reunion I was the only mum not bf. I felt awful; guilt, failure, inadequacy.. I felt like an inferior mum to the others and I felt that I had let my son down. Then, of all people, our NCT teacher said to me "You nurture your baby in so many ways; how you feed them in just one of them. Anyone who believes it is the only way that counts is so very wrong". She saved me from myself, for which I will be ever thankful. I did spend a lot of time justifying my decision to ff my baby both times, and I had to brazen it out ff in public, because I also felt embarrassed and ashamed.

I now have a happy, healthy, strong, bright and characterful 3yo and a lovely, cuddly 6 month old. Both emcs, both ff from no more than a fortnight old. And you couldn't tell them apart from babies at a party. Thing is, bf is a huge thing in pg and with a newborn - once they are a few months old, then no one is that bothered. A lady once stopped me in a shopping centre when I was feeding DS and told me I should be bf - she had a toddler with her in his buggy with a bag of Walker's crisps. I guess we both judged each other as much as each other.

I do hope you can get over this dark cloud in your life and enjoy your baby and toddler. It's a very different life with second baby, but the growing bond between my two is lovely to see developing.

Who are these people who judge and feel the need to share their judginess with the judgee?! (i do believe you btw, just can't believe it iyswim). On a personal and professional level I want to improve breastfeeding rates but that is not at the expense of the feelings of individual women!
Mmmm...crisps