Please help. Feeling so down about 19mo bf DS.

[pigsmightnevercease]

DS is 19 mo and has never slept well. I've namechanged recently, but have been posting on here about his sleep since he was a couple of weeks old. He's better than he was, but usually still wakes once a night. I work almost full time and I'm exhausted.

After a few disastrous attempts at sleep training (lots of screaming and no sleep) I've mainly gone for the 'path of least resistance' style of parenting - bf to sleep, bf back to sleep in the night. Lately we've been having some success just bringing DS in with us when he wakes at 2 or 3am - he'll cry for a couple of minutes, then cuddle up and go to sleep without boob. We were doing well and I hadn't fed at night for five nights.

This morning he woke at 4:45am and screamed and thrashed around in our bed for an hour. I gave him water but he just wanted boob and wouldn't settle for less. Eventually he started bashing me in the face :( so DH took him downstairs. He's now having breakfast and happy as Larry.

I feel so guilty that DH has been awake since DS woke (he's looking after DS today) but equally I know if I'd given in and fed him it would've taught him that if he screams long enough he'll get boob.

I feel really held to ransom because DS is a real daddy's boy (a whole other thread) - if DH is around it's like I don't exist - a lot of the time he won't even let me pick him up :( - except when he wants boob, then it's mummy, mummy, mummy all the way. So I feel like I can't stop bf because it's the only reason DS ever wants his mummy and the only real time I get to snuggle up with him :(

I had PND during his first year and worry that maybe he picked up on it and that's why he gravitates towards his dad.

Not sure what I'm asking, really. I guess it's how can I stop feeding at night and get some sleep? Do I have to stop bf altogether? I feel I've made such a mess of things :(

Pigs, I am on night 7 of stopping feeding 18 month old ds to sleep.
He went to my Mum's last week as I was desperate for sleep and ended up staying for two nights so when he came back I decided that we may as well try stopping.
The first night was terrible, much crying from both of us and he kept twiddling with my bra strap :( and raging at me as I wouldn't give in. He eventually went to sleep in his cot. It seems to have got a little easier and less stressful each night, he hardly cried at all tonight. I have been staying nxt to him until he falls asleep.
He also still wakes up at around 4am and 6am, which I'm finding harder to deal with, as that's normally when I'd bring him in with me and feed him back to sleep.
Fortunately I don't have paid employment to deal with as well and the situation isn't ideal but it is getting better and, fingers crossed, touch wood, etc there does seem to be some light at the end of the tunnel.
I do however miss those nighttime feeds and snuggles but I stopped night feeds with dd much earlier, around 10 months. I am finding it a bit difficult emotionally because I know that's it now and he really is a toddler rather than my baby iyswim? :(
Sorry bit of a waffley post but really I think you have to do what works best for all of you and your individual circumstances.
Good luck with whatever you decide

I think it's really hard because there's a pressure that children 'should' be sleeping well by this age. In the No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers book (which has loads of good ideas for different problems), Elizabeth Pantley cites research that was done based on interview with 1,473 families.

47% of toddlers woke at least once a night every night and needed an adult's help to return to sleep. 9% woke 2 or more times every night.

(36% of preschoolers woke at least once a night every night and needed an adult's help to return to sleep).

So it feels like you're the only one, but actually almost 1 in 2 children are waking every night at least once. It's a lot more normal than you think (and more normal than other people admit).

I find it goes in phases. Developmental stuff always affects sleep. DS is quite sensitive to sleep disruption which makes it worse. Naps an hour late have a knock-on effect for several days as he gets overtired. The wrong temperature in the bedroom has him waking, as do colds, eczema flares and leaking nappies. It's been a month or two since our last spell of only one night waking - mostly 5 times a night recently. It always changes though (only 1 or 2 last night :))

We co-sleep though, which makes a HUGE difference. When we've tried not co-sleeping, I'm awake for at least an hour every time he wakes. When we share a bed, I just roll over, bf him and roll back and go to sleep.

DH is really busy and suffers from insomnia, so has never dealt with a single night waking since DS was born (he sleeps in the spare room), and unfortunately doesn't have time to give me lie-ins more than about once every three months. I manage by napping every lunchtime. I'm finding it harder at the moment as I'm pg and exhausted, but DH's insomnia is dreadful at the moment so night-weaning is off the cards (not that I think it'd help anyway). So lots of sympathy from me.

pigs please don't feel so down.

I worked full time and bf DS around 8 times a night until he was 16mo. The only reason I wanted to give up bf in the night was that it no longer sent him to sleep (so destroying my secret weapon) and to ttc (as I had fertility issues). Oh and I felt like I was dying from exhaustion. I had never slept more than 3 hours ever in that 16mo and I was not in a good place.

But I loved bf - don't give up if it works. I loved the relationship with my DS. I'd hope to bf for even longer if I had another child.

Incidentally, he has definitely become much more attached to his dad since I stopped. BUT I actually also think this is an age thing. Some mornings I am poison, some days his dad is poison and sometimes we are both equally popular. Sometimes only mum will do. And so on. So I've tried not to take it all to heart.

I didn't use controlled crying or anything when night weaning DS at 16mo by the way. I simply fed him at 7 and 11, then after that, got DH to go in to him and stayed in my room with covers over my head. He was furious and DS and DH spent a lot of that night up watching telly. But DS was ok, pissed off but ok. The next night was better and the next one. This took a massive commitment from DH but DS was never left to cry - he was annoyed not to be bf but he was cuddled all the time.

I then went out after a week or so and DS didn't have an 11pm feed. He didn't notice so I dropped it. Then we went on holiday for a week and I ran him ragged till he was knackered out every day. Then instead of a bf before bed, his dad sung to him and he was so zonked, he fell asleep. He asked once if bf was "all gone?" but never cried about it. Which I couldn't believe after his 8 feeds a night.

I'm not saying give up bf. I'm just saying that it will not always be this way. DS is a better sleeper now and I don't know if that relates to not bf or not, but he was appalling for 16mo. Sometimes he woke up every 45min for months on end. So you all have all my sympathies; don't feel down, you sound like a lovely mum.

Bit rambly, sorry. Might not be back to full brainpower yet after all that disrupted sleep .